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Original poster

'The mention of my child's name may bring tears to my eyes, but it never fails to bring music to my ears' - bereaved parents thread.

993 replies

DawnOfTheDeementedDead · 16/10/2011 14:44

'PLEASE SAY THEIR NAMES'

The time of concern is over. No longer are we asked how we're doing. Never are the names of our children mentioned to us. A curtain descends. The moment has passed. Life's slip from frequent recall. There are exceptions: close and compassionate friends, sensitive and loving family. Still look. Still ask. Still listen. Thank God for them. For most, the drama is over. The spotlight is off. Applause is silent.

But for us the play will never end. The effects on us are timeless. What can be said, you ask? Please say "their names" to us. Love does not die. Their names are written on our lives. You may feel that they are dead. We feel that they are of the dead and still they live. They ghost-walk our souls, beckoning in future welcome. You say, "They were our children"; we say "They are". Please say "their names" to us and say "their names" again. It hurts to bury their memory in silence. What they were in flesh is no longer with us. What they are in spirit stays within us always. They were of our past but they are part of our now. They are our hope for the future. Please understand we cannot forget. We would not if we could.

We know that you cannot know, yesterday we were like you. Understand that we dwell in both flesh and spirit. We do not ask you to walk this road. The ascent is steep and the burden heavy. We walk it not by choice. We would rather walk it with them in the flesh, looking not to spirit worlds beyond. We are what we have to be. What we have lost, you cannot feel. What we have gained you may not see. Please say " their names" for they are alive. We will meet them again, although in many ways we've never parted. Their spirits play light songs, appear in sunrises and sunsets. They are real and shadow, they were and they are.

Please say "their names" to us and say "their names" again.
They are our children and we love them as we always did.
More each day.

'PLEASE, SAY THEIR NAMES'

In memory of my darling forever-baby Ciaran. I loved you from the moment i saw those two pink lines, and i'll love you til i draw my last breath as a wizened old woman of 103. You taught me what it was to truly love, and although you could only stay such a short time, you made me a better person and my world a better place. I'm so glad to have known you.

OP posts:
Bluetinkerbell · 02/11/2011 19:29

Cycled 10 miles (in total there and back) today to go to the requiem service in the church where Sterre had her funeral and had prayers at her grave with the vicar. Was very nice but also very emotional, tomorrow is her due date :(
Will be thinking of you tomorrow too chip as it should have been Sylvie-Rose's due date as well! x
There is a new pic on my profile of DD1 at Sterre's grave with the memorial stone on it.

chipmonkey · 02/11/2011 19:50

Blue, was going to post the same to you. Will be a hard day tomorrow.

Bluetinkerbell · 02/11/2011 19:56

it's tough isn't it! a day that we've been looking forward to at the beginning of our pregnancies and nothing left to look forward to! just empty arms :( and a hole in our hearts...

frasersmummy · 02/11/2011 20:41

chip and blue I will light a candle for your dc tomorrow...

I will be thinking of you both .. we will remember you in my prayers tonight

shabbapinkfrog · 03/11/2011 06:49

Morning girls xx

Chip and Blue my candle is already burning brightly xx

lavandes · 03/11/2011 07:02

Morning ladies xx

I will be thinking of you and your families today Chip and Blue xx

Whatevertheweather · 03/11/2011 07:44

Candles lit here for Sterre and Sylvie-Rose. Thinking of you today Blue and Chip xx

Bluetinkerbell · 03/11/2011 07:47

Thank you all! I feel remarkably calm and peaceful! x

Moominsarescary · 03/11/2011 09:00

Thinking of you chip and blue x

CheeseandGherkins · 03/11/2011 09:02

Morning all. Didn't sleep well last night, yawning as I type. Off to have more tea.

chip and blue I'll be thinking of you both today and lighting candles xx

janedoe25 · 03/11/2011 09:15

blue and chip thinking of you both today and your precious girls, I will light a candle for Sterre and Sylvie-Rose.x hugs to you bothx

Can I ask how are you all feeling about Christmas? I am dreading it as we were full of hope and excitment for this Christmas with Zoe. I want to let the day go past unmarked but df wants to carry on as normal, I really don't think I can manage it.

spilttheteaagain · 03/11/2011 11:20

chip and blue thoughts are with you both today x

chipmonkey · 03/11/2011 12:33

Aw, thank you ladies! In timely fashion, Sylvie-Rose's memorial candle arrived yesterday so I will be lighting it today.

Thoughts with you too, Blue

CazandBelle · 03/11/2011 13:41

love to blue and chip today. I remember the dread as Belle's DD approached, but actually found the build up much worse than the actual day. Even this year it felt a very strange not quite right day. I wonder if 7th aug will always feel a bit odd, even though I don't suppose it means very much anymore. Its hard to believe we've been through that date twice since she died.

The same with christmas, awful awful last year, but the build up much worse than the day. last year we had a quiet christmas. We put up only a small pink tree we bought for Belle, went to church in the morning, let bubbles off all over the cemetery and then quietly spent the rest of the day at home. Small dinner with a specially personalised candle and cracker for Belle.

Things are different this year but somehow the same. I'm dreading the build up, it hurts just as much this year that she isn't here for christmas, i'm still not sure if i can face the mass of xmas cards without her name on. but then a big part of me wants to celebrate this year. X deserves a special first xmas, we have to be parents to him too and give him a happy childhood that doesnt focus soley around his sisters absense. Everything is always going to be split in two. pain and joy.

Sorry thoughts spilled out there. I'm missing Belle a lot this week, feeling quite mixed up. I blogged about it last night.

CheeseandGherkins · 03/11/2011 13:56

jane Christmas, December was the month everything happened for us. Scarlett died on the 2nd, was born on the 6th, her due date was the 23rd and we had her funeral on 29th. We did a "normal" Christmas for the dcs, I had my parents and grandad over as usual and thankful that we did as I could barely function. I'd planned to do the dinner, everything that I usually did (Christmas used to be a big deal) but I couldn't move from the sofa :( My mum helped do the dinner with dh while I wallowed basically.

This year is slightly better as things haven't just happened but it will be our firsts. I'm sad that she won't be with us and plan to visit her on Christmas day as well and we already have a bauble for the tree in her memory. We plan to make some decorations with the dcs and take some to Scarlett too. She is a big part of our lives even though she isn't with us.

I remember drinking a lot once the dcs had got to bed which seemed to help at the time but looking back didn't really, I suppose i did what I had to in order to get through. I can't drink at all this year due to being pregnant but that doesn't bother me at all.

I am stressing about losing this baby then as well as that's when Scarlett died. It's going to be a difficult time but I know we'll get through it.

Whatevertheweather · 03/11/2011 16:30

Another one dreading Christmas here Janedoe. I normally absolutely love Christmas and spent a good part of my pregnancy imagining the four of us this year. Will still have to put on a good day for K but I just feel tired whenever I think about it. I'm dreading K coming in to our room with her stocking and hopping on the bed as we've always done to open it as id thought so much about there being 4 if us snuggled there this year. We've been invited stay with my sil family with her and my dsis but it's a 4 hour drive away and I feel I can't not go to Erin's grave on the first Christmas without her. Trying to come up with something totally different that I hadn't imagined doing but know I will spend the whole day thinking....'Erin should be here' Sad

janedoe25 · 03/11/2011 16:55

whatever I spent the whole of last Christmas thinking that this year will be so perfect with Zoe, DF and I our first christmas as a family. I was really excited about it, now I just don't know what to do? It will however be DF and I first Christmas as husband and wife (we get married on 19th Nov) and he wants to mark the day.

Whatevertheweather · 03/11/2011 22:00

Chip and Blue hope today has passed as peacefully as possible. I really hope all our angels have found each other.

Jane how lovely that your wedding is coming up. Bittersweet to though I would imagine. Can I just say how much I love the name Zoe - I would have loved it for dd1 but it doesn't 'go' with our surname. I've always loved it.

Had a really emotional day today. Lots of tears. Am feeling under the weather and af is due so am putting it down to that. Just missing my little Erin so so much.

janedoe25 · 03/11/2011 22:49

whatever Thank you! We have organised the wedding around Zoe, we are having pink as the theme coulour and butterflies as theme (we had her bedroom decorated in a butterfly theme). We are also having my flowergirl (my wee sister) carry Zoe bear down the aisle with her (we had a build a bear made for her on her funeral day). As you say it will be a very bitte sweet day. Oh we are also having the same civil celebrant who conducted Zoe's funeral service.

Of course you are missing Erin, hope you are ok?

Moominsarescary · 04/11/2011 02:02

Jane that sounds lovely having pink and butterfly's the same as you decorated Zoe's bedroom.

whatever sorry you are having a bad day and not feeling well x

Dp keeps saying that Christmas is going to be bad this year. We did think Jacob might be with us for christmas as his brother was 8 weeks early. I keep telling him that we have to make it good as it's ds3 first Christmas . He will be 9 months so probably more interested in the wrapping paper than anything else, snd dinner he realy loves his food.

shabbapinkfrog · 04/11/2011 06:46

Morning girls xx

Whatevertheweather · 04/11/2011 08:14

Ah Jane your wedding plans to include Zoe in the day sound perfect especially Zoe bear Smile

Have passed my lurgy on to poor Katie so she's staying home today. She is quite impressed her husky/croaky voice! Dvd and duvet day for us Smile

chipmonkey · 04/11/2011 14:21

Yesterday wasn't too bad, I lit her candle and it helped.
But we have another "special" day today, it is one month since she died. I feel as it it were ten years!

Yes, Christmas will be tough but I want to make it as special as possible for the boys. I am thinking of putting up a little pink Christmas tree in our bedroom just for her and then do my usual mad Christmas with too much food for the others.

Whatevertheweather · 04/11/2011 14:43

just wanted to share this

Her work is breathtaking I think xx

Bluetinkerbell · 04/11/2011 15:05

whatever it is amazing isn't i? I received my Twilight picture for Sterre today! Might turn it into a canvas as well if I can find a good deal somewhere! x