'The mention of my child's name may bring tears to my eyes, but it never fails to bring music to my ears' - bereaved parents thread.

[DawnOfTheDeementedDead]

'PLEASE SAY THEIR NAMES'

The time of concern is over. No longer are we asked how we're doing. Never are the names of our children mentioned to us. A curtain descends. The moment has passed. Life's slip from frequent recall. There are exceptions: close and compassionate friends, sensitive and loving family. Still look. Still ask. Still listen. Thank God for them. For most, the drama is over. The spotlight is off. Applause is silent.

But for us the play will never end. The effects on us are timeless. What can be said, you ask? Please say "their names" to us. Love does not die. Their names are written on our lives. You may feel that they are dead. We feel that they are of the dead and still they live. They ghost-walk our souls, beckoning in future welcome. You say, "They were our children"; we say "They are". Please say "their names" to us and say "their names" again. It hurts to bury their memory in silence. What they were in flesh is no longer with us. What they are in spirit stays within us always. They were of our past but they are part of our now. They are our hope for the future. Please understand we cannot forget. We would not if we could.

We know that you cannot know, yesterday we were like you. Understand that we dwell in both flesh and spirit. We do not ask you to walk this road. The ascent is steep and the burden heavy. We walk it not by choice. We would rather walk it with them in the flesh, looking not to spirit worlds beyond. We are what we have to be. What we have lost, you cannot feel. What we have gained you may not see. Please say " their names" for they are alive. We will meet them again, although in many ways we've never parted. Their spirits play light songs, appear in sunrises and sunsets. They are real and shadow, they were and they are.

Please say "their names" to us and say "their names" again.
They are our children and we love them as we always did.
More each day.

'PLEASE, SAY THEIR NAMES'

In memory of my darling forever-baby Ciaran. I loved you from the moment i saw those two pink lines, and i'll love you til i draw my last breath as a wizened old woman of 103. You taught me what it was to truly love, and although you could only stay such a short time, you made me a better person and my world a better place. I'm so glad to have known you.

ROFL LOL LOL Toms GCSE Maths is not until the 7th November!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ha ha ha ha Now I know he takes after - all that worrying for nothing!!

You must dust off your abacus and help him revise x

Its in his diary for today but they have moved it forward so he can do his French GCSE this week????????

vous devez sortir votre dictionnaire français et l'aider avec ce alors! x

you are showing off now lavandes...

perhpas the shool should do gcse timetabling... lol

Google translate is very good x

Wouldn't mind but he is doing his B Tech in French - which is equivalent to 3 GCSE's - ROFL - so they must have thought that sitting another exam would be wonderful for him Oh well, suppose it will all come out in the wash!!

ha ha ha ha ha Lavendes he knew what you were saying.....Now me, Im a Greek speaking girl Kale Spera mila fou.....Ti kanete? Meera beera parakalo. Endaxee. Sagapo. Roughly translated means 'Good afternoon my friend, how are you, another beer please, OK....I love you!!' My word - small things amuse small minds Shabbs!!

Sometimes we need to laugh x

its amazing how you always remember how to translate i would like a beer

guten tag.. wie gehts meine freunde ich mochte eine beer

see i can do it too [hgrin]

I hope no-one minds me posting. We lost Charlie on 29th Sep at two and a half months. I feel like I'm losing my mind. My OH posted a separate thread recently.

There is death in my house and death in my head and I can't shake it off. Does anyone have any advice on what we should be doing? Work are trying to make me redundant and I have an interview for another job soon but my head's all over the place and I need something to do now. I was a mother, and now I'm not. I just don;t understand anything any more.

The world seems so frightening and confusing now and I'm scared to be a part of it.

Oh sweetheart I'm so sorry
My situation was so different from yours that I don't feel at all equipped to offer advice (lost my DD in pregnancy), but the part of your post that jumped out and I really wanted to respond to was to say you ARE a mother. You are always Charlie's mother. I struggled with precisely that after losing my only child - outwardly I was someone without children, but that is not true.

I remember the sense that I was going mad. Child bereavement is such a horrific unexpected shock I think it takes a long time to process the fact that it has happened at all. Every part of us revolts against the idea that babies and children can die. It's not right, it's not how it should be. The feelings that follow are incredibly powerful and frightening.

Please know that you are not alone in this. There are many others on this thread who are walking the path you're starting on and they understand your grief and despair.

Don't fight how you feel, let yourself cry cry and cry some more, it's the only thing I found that helped.

Do you want to tell us about Charlie?

So very sad to hear about your precious Charlie - I think I read your OH thread.

There is no death so sad as that of a child (of any age) all your hopes and dreams gone. You are in the horrible early days of grief where everything hurts so much. Im glad you came to post here, this is a wonderful, supportive and loving thread. Nobody will ever judge you and we all at different stages in our own grief - usually there is someone here who can say 'I remember that feeling' or 'I remember the way I dealt with that.'

Do you want to tell us all about Charlie? Dont worry if you dont.

Have you had any counselling or any help from anyone?

Charlie had blue eyes like me and lots of dark hair. He had little batty ears just like me and his Grandad.
He loved swimming. He would throw his arms open when he went in the water. He was just learning to smile properly and it would start at the corner of his mouth and spread right over his face. He was just starting to sit up in his buggy rather than being rear-facing in the pram because he wanted to see everything when we went for a walk.

He died in my arms on the sofa in his sleep and my sleep. We were downstairs because my OH's son had woken up late at night and climbed into bed with his dad. I woke up and he wasn't breathing. Oh did CPR but I think even then we knew.

The paramedics came and the whole street woke up. Our neighbours came with us to the hospital (I went in the ambulance). They told us in resus that there was nothing they could do.

The police came. My brother came (both sets of parents were on holiday - mine in Vietnam, OHs in Mallorca but they live in Denmark). The police took us home and made a video of the lounge.

I'm crying now. I want my Charlie bear back. Life doesn't make sense without him. i want my baby boy. I want him back. And although I'm only abke t9 admit this when I've had a drink (though sober tonight) I dont want to be here without him.

oh and they have opened an inquest because the PM didn't find anything.

Evening all. Had an eventful day, ended up going in to the hospital this morning to have the baby checked over. I wasn't feeling many movements and have been getting crampy tightenings; was really worried. They listened to baby, took my bp etc and made sure everything was ok. I saw a dr too and she checked my cervix which was closed and did a swab but everything was fine. I've been told to rest and take things easy for a few days now so that things settle down hopefully. Phew, so relieved that all was ok.

I have my doppler scan booked for Nov 15th now so I'm glad the date is sorted out. Hopefully that will go well too.

azira I'm so sorry to hear about Charlie :( Our daughter Scarlett was stillborn last December at 37 weeks and it took a while just to stop feeling numb. It's been almost a year now and while it's still painful and hurts, it's not the same rawness of the early months.

shabs Good luck to Tom, hope he does really well and I'm sure he will :) That woman sounds awful, what is it with some people?!

chip that's just terrible, totally thoughtless :(

dee your dream sounds odd and quite disconcerting! I've dreamt of Scarlett much lately but I did a few times at first.

whatever it's a relief to know that everything is looking good with the baby so far, definitely. Glad you had a nice break, must have been difficult with a young baby there; I don't cope well with babies lately myself. I hope the words from the consultant helped you a little. Your beautiful girl was a fighter and she held on for so long, both you and her are so very brave xx

split "these things happen"... words fail me, hugs x

Oh he sounds a wonderful little man. Your words describing him are beautiful.

When one of my twin boys died (in 1982) even though he had serious heart problems from birth we were investigated by the police as well. It is so frightening. I really feel for you so much. Then in 1992 when my 7 year old DS was killed by a lorry......I almost lost the will to live....I was more sad than I had ever been in my life.

Your feelings of not wanting to be here without him are so normal, so very normal. But Charlie would want you to fight on...I know so well, how hard it is to get up every day and try to pretend everything is OK. We are all walking this 'crappy path' of bereavement together on our special thread. We all prop each other up on bad days and laugh together on good days.

I know I speak for everyone on here when I say we will hold your hand and help you xxx

shabba your story is heartbreaking. Thank you so much for taking the time.

I love to talk about my sons. It means they are still around me if I speak about them. Keep posting here - you will find all the ladies are really lovely and will help in any way they can. We are all at different stages....we all have different stories to tell....our children were all different ages, but we are united by a common bond and know how each other are feeling.

You will always be Charlies Mummy....always and forever....just that very sadly he is not physically here. That will never alter the fact that he is your precious boy and you are his Mummy xxx

Aziraphale a very very warm but very sad welcome to our special thread. Your story is so heartbreaking and your words for Charlie are so beautiful. My situation is slightly different, I lost my dd Erin at 35 weeks pregnant in August. I still feel like I am going completely mad some days, but there are now better days too. I think Chipmonkey's loss of her darling Sylvie-Rose is probably the closest to yours I hope she'll be along soon for you. Whenever you feel you can't go on please please come on here - there will always be somebody about to 'talk' to. Have you been able to have a funeral for Charlie yet? Do you have lots of RL support? It must be so so hard to see Charlie's things all around. With regards to work I'm sorry to hear about the potential redundancy the last thing you need right now - are you still on mat leave? You are entitled to full mat leave regardless. The loss of a child is so hard to bear my love but we will hold your hand all the way xx

Cheese you poor thing! How stressful today must have been. Hope you are resting up now.

Blue How are you feeling coming up to Sterre's due date? I found the build up actually much worse than the day itself. Hugs xx

Shabs Ooops for timetabling error

Well I survived my first ever trick or treating with dd and her cousin this evening. They absolutely loved it and our road was totally fab - loads of very dressed up houses and a warm welcome at each one. Huge bags of goodies that will last them weeks months! Am off to --eat some- put them away now [hgrin]

Yes we had his funeral on 11th October. It was beautiful and we were so well supported by family and friends. Cheese and whatever, thank you for your posts. It feels as though I've just walked in to a big warm room after being outside in the cold, I'm not even kidding.

I wanted to post this link because it is really the only way that I can show you what Charlie was like. Obv it's quite upsetting so please take care. On the justgiving page is a link to a video OH made - this is Charlie.

www.justgiving.com/CharlieLauenborgWatkins I hope no-one minds. I'm not going round with the charity begging bowl either - please just have a look at the video.

oh aziraphale

My situation is different to you . My little boy was stillborn 7 years ago .. god it cant be 7 years but it is..
but the feeling of not being a mother resonates with me and with every mum on here I expect
I remember coming home from the hospital and thinking the house was empty without him... and he hadnt ever been here..must be sooo much worse when you had your ds with you for 2.5 months

I know it sounds contrite but do whatever feels right.. scream shout cry, and dare I say even smile if you feel like it

Dont try to think too far ahead ... not easy when work are being horrid but concentrate on getting through an hour at a time

we are all here to help in any way we can

I Am A Mother

I've loved my child right from the start,
A feeling that's filled my entire heart.
I went through the labor and suffered the pain,
For many long hours with nothing to gain.

I've spent sleepless nights being awake,
Though it's been a while my arms they still ache.
I've sat and I've wondered of how he would grow,
The love of my family that he'd come to know.

The sound of his voice as he learns to talk,
Watching his steps as he tries to walk.
I have a child that I really love so,
I am his mother yet nobody knows.

I've spent all these months feeling him grow,
I've lived through it all and have nothing to show.
I don't get invited to chat with young mothers,
Because I don't have a baby like all of the others.

I've got some stretch marks that I'd like to hide,
but I don't have a pram with a baby inside.
The people I've known for so many years,
Avoid me now, which adds to my tears.

I don't know how long I'll be feeling like this,
But one thing I know, my baby I miss.
When Mother's day comes it will be very hard,
I won't have any flowers, not even a card.

And just because he's not here with me,
I still have a son I wish I could see.
But one thing I know and this is for sure,
I'll be his mother forevermore!

• Author Unknown

Bookmarking

Now off to catch up, will be back x

whatever I am indeed resting :) Glad you enjoying trick or treating, we went out with the dcs and they loved it! Didn't go far and walked slowly though.

fm that's a lovely poem, here's another similar one

What makes a mother

I thought of you and closed my eyes.
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a mother and
I know I heard him say,

A mother has a baby.
This we know is true.
But God, can you be a mother
when your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can, He replied
with confidence in His voice.
I give many women babies.
When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime
and others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb
but there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this. God,
I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared His throat
and then I saw a tear.

I wish I could show you
what your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile
with other children and say,

"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of life and love and fear.
My Mommy loved me, Oh so much,
I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom
who had so much love for me,
I learned my lesson very quickly.
My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy, Oh so much,
but I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
on her pillow's where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
and whisper in her ear,
'Mommy don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I'm here.'"

So you see, my dear sweet one,
your children are okay.
Your babies are here in MY home
and this is where they'll stay.

They'll wait for you with ME
until your lesson is through.
And on the day that you come home,
they'll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother?
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of,
right from the very start.

Though some on earth may not realize you are a Mother,
until their time is done.
They'll be up here with ME one day,
and know you're the best one