'The mention of my child's name may bring tears to my eyes, but it never fails to bring music to my ears' - bereaved parents thread.

[DawnOfTheDeementedDead]

'PLEASE SAY THEIR NAMES'

The time of concern is over. No longer are we asked how we're doing. Never are the names of our children mentioned to us. A curtain descends. The moment has passed. Life's slip from frequent recall. There are exceptions: close and compassionate friends, sensitive and loving family. Still look. Still ask. Still listen. Thank God for them. For most, the drama is over. The spotlight is off. Applause is silent.

But for us the play will never end. The effects on us are timeless. What can be said, you ask? Please say "their names" to us. Love does not die. Their names are written on our lives. You may feel that they are dead. We feel that they are of the dead and still they live. They ghost-walk our souls, beckoning in future welcome. You say, "They were our children"; we say "They are". Please say "their names" to us and say "their names" again. It hurts to bury their memory in silence. What they were in flesh is no longer with us. What they are in spirit stays within us always. They were of our past but they are part of our now. They are our hope for the future. Please understand we cannot forget. We would not if we could.

We know that you cannot know, yesterday we were like you. Understand that we dwell in both flesh and spirit. We do not ask you to walk this road. The ascent is steep and the burden heavy. We walk it not by choice. We would rather walk it with them in the flesh, looking not to spirit worlds beyond. We are what we have to be. What we have lost, you cannot feel. What we have gained you may not see. Please say " their names" for they are alive. We will meet them again, although in many ways we've never parted. Their spirits play light songs, appear in sunrises and sunsets. They are real and shadow, they were and they are.

Please say "their names" to us and say "their names" again.
They are our children and we love them as we always did.
More each day.

'PLEASE, SAY THEIR NAMES'

In memory of my darling forever-baby Ciaran. I loved you from the moment i saw those two pink lines, and i'll love you til i draw my last breath as a wizened old woman of 103. You taught me what it was to truly love, and although you could only stay such a short time, you made me a better person and my world a better place. I'm so glad to have known you.

Hi everyone! sorry for being quiet... been pretty busy with preparing DD's 3rd birthday party! Cake made... took me two nights decorating. Hope I haven't forgotten anything, it's the first time I'm organising a birthday party! I hope all DD's friends will show up, cause only 1 mum explicitly rsvp'd. ah well, we'll see tomorrow! she'll love it anyway! she's been so excited the last few days counting down the sleeps till her party and her birthday!

Well done Blue The only cake I can remembering making (it was probably more than 25 years ago Ihonestly can't remember) was a snowman cake, baked in 2 pyrex pudding dishes, very popular at the time and delicious (of course), but back then I didn't work in the daytime and had nothing more important to do. I am sure your dd's friends will turn up, hope you have great day xx

Good for you Blue. I can't remember when I made a birthday cake. Unfortunately my boys seem to order a Ben 10 cake or Spiderman cake and I end up buying one of those foul-tasting supermarket ones.

DD wanted a Peppa Pig house cake, it doesn't look like the pictures of professionals that I found on the web, but hey! :) I could have gone to the shop and bought one, but baking it myself is half the stress fun although I keep saying every year, that I'll buy it the next

Morning girls xx

Morning ladies xx

Having a lazy day, going to see Noah and the Whale at Hall for Cornwall tonight, should be good. Will make a nice change. We don't go out enough. x

aww dee ...I know you will be thinking dont be daft but I feel bad having prattled on about my mum when your mum has been gone 3 years... of cours you will miss her. I didnt think my mum and I were particularly close till this happened.. if truth be told I thought she was a demanding pain in the bum.. i've no doubt i will be thinking that by this time next week .. .. I hope the day passed peacefully.

Well done blue.. one year ds wanted rory the racing car. I didnt know where to start but someone told me you can buy cake toppers on the internet... icing with pictures on .. you just peel and put on the cake. So I eased my conscience by baking the cake itself and adding the topper ... came out quite professional ... [hgrin]

come and tell us how it went .. after you have had time to relax

Hello ladies.

Had a visit today from an old friend whom I hadn't seen in ages. She has never married or had dc's of her own. She told me that I should "move on" and be thankful for the children that I have and that dd "wasn't meant to be" as the pregnancy was so troubled. ( I miscarried dd's twin at 7 weeks and then had placenta accreta when she was born)

I did feel a bit upset that she felt that my lovely girl wasn't meant to be and to me, "moving on" is something you do when you are dumped by a bloke or fired from a job.

And I know she meant well but did find it a bit

ooh chip so sorry that your friend made you feel like that.
I was chatting with a mum I hadn't met before at DD's birthday party. She asked me whether DD was the only one we had, so I said no, she has a little sister, but she died at 20 weeks pregnancy. She also muttered something about wasn't meant to be or something.( I hate it when they say that! Clearly our children were meant to BE, as they existed! They were conceived and lived, whether inside of us or outside or however long is doesn't matter! ) Of course I didn't say that out loud. I just explained what happened to DD and that was that. I think I managed pretty well!

DD had a great party and the children (and parents) were well impressed with the cake!
(still find it very silly to wrap it up and stuff it in a party bag to take home, back in Belgium children actually eat the cake at the party... at least then you can see them enjoying to eat it oh and no such things as party bags in Belgium, but I've been very English and Mumsnetty and put a Chuggington (Bookpeople) book in it )

oh chip I would have been more than a bit I would have been livid. How utterly disrespectful and belittling

After I lost my DD in pregnancy I was off work for a period on long term sick. On my first day back a woman came into the office, said "Good to see you back, how are you?" - didn't pause for more than half a second, no interest in allowing me to answer and she carried on "These things happen, now, I'm looking for a parcel..." I was beyond livid and shook for ages afterwards. Sobbed the second she left the room.
People can be so insensitive.
How dare they dismiss our children so out of hand?

Ah Blue - You forget on vital thing... the cake in the party bag is the mums reward for enduring a couple of hours spent in the company of other peoples children Mind, that only works as long as you stay with the kids. It's a pain when they're old enough to go on their own!! Hope your DD had a lovely day x

Chip - Pardon my french, but fucking hell, that woman is a twat of the first order. She's a DHAC and no mistake. I'm so on your behalf, and sorry you had to go through that. (cwtches)

FM - yunno, what i'm going to say, don't you? Thank you, but she's your mum and you natter about her here as much as you like.

I had such a strange dream last night. In this dream i kept seeing dead people, but they were cartoon like - almost drawn, iyswim? Some of them weren't aware that they were dead and i had to tell them. And then i had the realisation that i could see dead people, i should be able to see Ciaran again. With that thought, it was almost like reality hit, and people were no longer cartoons, but real. I turned around and all the people that i know who have died were there - my mum, granny, nana and my grandad. My grandad was holding a newborn wrapped in a white shawl and i just knew it was Ciaran, but they were a distance away and i couldn't get close enough to see him clearly. Then i woke up.

It wasn't a particularly distressing dream, more... unsettling, disconcerting, iyswim? It's the first time i've ever dreampt of Ciaran too.

Evening all Back from Nottingham - had a nice break. Major wobble when a lady came to their Halloween party with her 12 week old dd but other than that managed to hold it together (aided by lots of !)

Chip sorry to hear you encountered a dhac (still love that Dee!). Some people eh! I think it's especially hard when it cones from a friend. I find the 'wasn't meant to be' comments the hardest.

Blue glad all your part efforts were worth it . Hope you're relaxing now.

Cheese how are you feeling now after your scan?

Came home to a letter from the consultant summarising our pm meeting. He put in a lovely line 'I am absolutely certain given the rarity of your situation there was nothing either of you could have done to change the outcome'. Was nice of him to include that.

I am struggling with the thoughts that she had such a tough fight pretty much right from conception though . I also feel weird that I carried around that much cancer in my body for 8 months. But then I feel bad for feeling weird.

Hope everyone else is doing okay xx

Morning girls xx

Morning folks,

WTW - You didn't 'carry that much cancer around for eight months' You carried your beautiful, amazing baby girl, who just happened to have cancer. The very fact that she survived for eight amazing months inside you is a testement to how hard she fought to be with you, and a testement to how much you loved her. She's still your baby girl, and the fact that she had canceer doesn't change that, my lovely. It just tells you the reason that she couldn't stay.

Morning ladies xx

That is so upsetting Chipwhere the hell these people think we should move to is beyond belief. My SIL said that to me 6 months after Richard died, I was devastated and I can't forget it. xx

I remember taking Danny down to my Mums a few days after his twin Gareth had died. It was a beautiful day so I decided to walk. I still had the twin buggy - couldn't afford a single one. I had almost got to my Mums when my DH's elderly aunt saw us. She came over and said..........'He looks a bit peaky (pale and not well) are you sure he hasn't got the same problems as the other one!!!! Mind you its good to see you are over it now and carrying on.'

FFS it was less than a week later - she had NO children of her own!!! Before that day she was one of my favourite relatives.....I never, ever spoke to her again - now I have written that down it sounds childish but its just what I did.

Oh shabbs - not childish whatsoever. How callous and harsh of her. (cwtches)

Please can everyone keep their fingers crossed for my amazing DS4 - Tom. Today he is sitting his Maths GCSE exam!! They have selected some Year 10's to fast track through this exam. He shouldn't even be sitting it for another 18 months. He is very, very worked up about it. My Nan gave me a little brooch - it is a golden butterfly. Always makes me think of Gareth and Matty when I hold it. I have pinned it to the inside of his school shirt pocket. The pocket is right over his heart and I told him to touch it and ask for their help. I hope he gets through today without too many wobbles.

Dee - she died a few months ago - I didn't go to the funeral - I couldn't be two faced and sing her praises. Her words cut right through my heart that day.

Fingers crossed for Tom Shabbs. You must be ever so proud

Good luck to Tom!!!

Shabbs, i'm not surprised, i couldn't hae gone either. Something like that stays with you, doesn't it? No matter how long it's been.

The vast majority of the kids are already 15 or almost 15. Tom is a Summer baby so only turned 14 at the end of July. Its hard being the youngest boy I think. They take long enough to mature as it is

Good luck Tom you are brilliant just for being asked to sit the exam xx

That was awful Shabs what a thoughtless woman, I'm not surprised you never spoke to her. xx

hey shabs ... how come you have a bright son.. does he get that from his dad ....????.lol... fm has just been added to shabs list of people she aint talking to any more .

seriously thats brilliant you must be soo proud.. have everything crossed for him. Times like these always have a sad edge dont they ..its things like this that "non bereaved" parents dont get isnt it

I dont understand the english system.. we all sit our exams in may /june.. just before the school ends and most kids dont go back after the exams .. results come out in aug jsut before school restarts

how does it work ?

ha ha ha ha cheeky bugger!!!

Our kids leave at Easter in year 11. So they only go from September to Easter in their final year. Thats supposed to be study leave They then go back in about June and sit their exams....and have to wear school uniform!!! Its all doolally!!! The year 10's who are chosen to fast track their GCSE's have started doing them now.....even though they have only been in year 10 for about 6 weeks????????????????????