I had my stillbirth last night

[desperatehousewife]

I feel a bit weird being on here telling the ether such incredibly personal things so soon - but I've always been a person to talk to here goes.

On Monday I was told my 25 week pregnancy was no more (I knew something was wrong I had felt no flutters for a couple of days). As I was 1 week over the 'viable' date, I was told I would have to give birth to him. Giving birth naturally has been one of my biggest fears (had DS by emergency c-section) and was planning to go for elective c-section in March.

I went into hospital yesterday morning at 9.30 and was induced. Had a long day of small contractions and a couple of hours of really painful contractions then the birth at 7pm
was easy. One big push and all was over.

The relief was monumental. My DH has been amazing and we were both really composed and calm about the whole thing - bizarrely.

We chose to have him cleaned and brought to us - so we saw him and held his hand which was totally amazing - we felt really privileged to see something so tiny and so peaceful that was ours. It made it more real and it made all the labour pain worthwhile.

Was home in a morphine haze and in bed by 10.30 which was great. Slept fantastically and felt eurphoric this morning. So relieved I didn't
have a c-section and that my body feels like mine again. Am probably on a bit of a hormone high - but feel great. Am fully expecting to have a massive low at some point too. But taking each moment at a time.

Am very proud of myself - as I've always been a firm believer that I was a wimp and couldn't do anything remotely difficult. Well I have now
and there's going to be no stopping me in life.

I keep thinking how unreal it all feels and that if this was happening to a friend of mine, how utterly devestated I'd be for them. I guess time will change how I feel and I'll get to realise that this really did happen to me. Sadly we have to wait 6 weeks (probably more with xmas in the way) for the post-mortem results. Would really help to know why this has happened.

Thank you to the people on mumsnet who advised taking a special blanket and a camera - i was so deeply opposed to this idea - didn't even want to see my baby - but when it came to it, both my DH and I felt it was so important not to brush what had happened under the carpet; and to look at what we had created together to make it all more real and to help us accept things. It really really did help and we will never regret it.

Thanks for listening.
DHW

DHW - I've not seen this thread before and I've not read others comments yet - I'd just like to say your dignified and empowered post made me weep - for many reasons... because I feel for you so, because your son would have such lovely parents, because your responses are utterly magnificent and I feel humbled

I hope during the low points you wisely sense you will have, you make time to re-read your post - your sense of acheivement is hard earned, you deserve to be proud of yourself

xx

DHW - I have cried my way through this thread. I think that you are truly amazing with a strength and dignity that is humbling.
Your DH sounds like he will be a terrific support. Lean on him and on anyone else you can to help you through this saddest of times. I hope that 2006 will be a better year for you all and that you'll find some happiness again just as soon as you are ready.

so many of these posts have made me shed a tear - i cannot tell you how overwhelmed I feel reading so many lovely lovely messages - it means the absolute world to me. I asked DH to read them last night too, and he was utterly blown away by everyone's caring (he's always been a bit sniffy about Mumsnet, because i've been a bit of a self confessed addict over the last year!!) but he has seen what incredible benefit and caring that goes with this forum.

Thank you everyone so much for your lovely kind words - I am no braver than anyone else - I am just lucky to have a good support system, and a natural ability to cry (at the drop of a hat i might add!!)

My mum and dad had DS to stay last night (as they have many times this week) and sleep is proving to be the best healer for me and DH. We feel amazing today. We even looked at the two rather shocking photos we took of our tiny baby this morning and we are feeling very calm.

The sun is shining, it's a new month, Christmas is around the corner and there's a lot to look forward to.

Everyone - thank you for caring about me the last few days. I'm sure I'll be back next week when DH goes back to work and the cards and messages stop coming!

Thank you
dhw
xxxx

DHW as have said before sorry is not enough for your loss. You are dealing with it incredibly and I am in awe of your strength. I hope the PM holds some answers for you. Huge hugs and love to you, your dh and ds.
Love
nemo and family
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

dhw - i'm pleased you and DH have had some time together to yourselves. and are both manageing to rest up as much as you can do.

don't do yourself an injustice, you have been very together and dignified. and crying honney - there's nothing wrong with a good old cry, you just cry all you want (and DH for that matter)

as nemo says fingers crossed the PM can give you some answers.

love to yourself and family, wishing you all the best, remeber you know where we are if you're feeling a bit down esp next week

munzy - thank you so much for your caring - am feeling well rested (even slept in until 8am today!!) have just started seeing friends - saw a friend who is expecting her second baby in a month - i cried as soon as I saw her which really took me by surprise. Saw another friend today with her 4 week old second child - and again cried. But I have got very understanding, sensitive friends which is great, and I don't mind making a tit of myself and weeping in public!!!

the whole tiredness thing is kicking in now - felt a bit low today - think I have been on a hormone high or adrenelin high for the last 3 days and the whole physical aspect is hitting me now. But have got lots of cbeebies on for DS and we are going to light a fire and snuggle together and watch nemo later. lovely!

I am so glad that you are sleeping at night and having restful days. It is so hard to cope with the insane emotions otherwise.

FWIW: I also cried as soon as I saw my pg friend. It is just so hard to come to terms with an unexpected loss. Thank heavens nobody is surprised when you burst into tears. It would be strange for you not to cry.

Continue to take good care of yourself, DH and DS. Enjoy Nemo this afternoon. A fire sounds lovely.

Thanks Cadmum!
xxx

I have been thinking ot you most of the afternoon... Hope you are coping and that your quiet afternoon with a fire and Nemo went to plan. Take care. I am glad that your DH is home tomorrow. Enjoy your time together.

Thanks Cad - DH has taken DS to pre school so I can have a shower and take my time. I don't want to do the school run thing on my own - so my lovely husband is going to do it with me at 11.30.

So at least if I see all the other mums and they are nice to me and I cry, i have husband with me!

Wonderful nights sleep last night - feeling great today. I have to say the feelings are not as bad as I thought they would be.

It's very sad what's happened, I do feel a sense of loss and what could have been, and I am harrowed by what happened - but I definatley don't feel all consumed by grief and wondering how I'll continue. I guess I'm lucky for lots of reasons - already having a great child definately helps.

anyway, I am seriously rambling here.
Just wanted to say, it's not half as bad as I thought it could be.

Still will prepare myself for low points though and probably a lot more tears.

dhw
x

DHW, only just seen this thread. So sorry for what you have been through/going through. But as others have said, I am blown away by your amazing courage, strength and dignity. What an amazing person you are. I hope you continue to take strenght in the wonderful relationship you have with dh. x

I am so sorry DHW, I was away and I missed this,your strength and courage shines through the screen.

My thoughts and prayers are with you all.

LGJ

it's ok to feel angry and to cry in front of others, no-one will think any less of you (and so what if they do?). it's definately the time to be being selfish and thinking of yourself (and dh and ds of course). it was to be expected crying at seeing pg women and babies. i'm glad your dh is helping when you need it (eg school run) but if his work gets grumpy and he can no longer be with you as much as you want i hope you have a friend who can stay with you during the day.
i'm also glad that you have ppl to cat who have gone thru the same unfortunate events as you. unfortunately i don't think there's any advice anyone can give to fast track you thru the grief just the usual time is a healer and doing 'normal' things while acknowledging the situation.
i'm sure you can get thru this, love and hugs to you, dh and ds, x

Desperatehousewife,

I've only just seen this thread and I am so sorry that you lost your little boy. I've read all your posts on this thread (not everyone's contributions though) and I am blown away with how well you and your husband are doing. So glad you are finding support from your friends and here on line.

Stay strong,

hmc
xxx

But meant to add - if you desperately low and unhappy please offload here. There is nearly always someone on line who will listen.

Dear desperate housewife, I too have just seen this thread. So sorry that you lost your baby, thinking of you and your family.
Tumblemum

I am glad that DH was there with you for the school run. Seeing people (who may or may not know what has happened) can be really challenging. I hope that it went well.

You are really courageous and perceptive at the same time. Whatever you are feeling is perfectly normal. Feelings cannot be be planned for nor easily altered. Keep taking care of yourself.

hug hugs and sympathy DHW

..I meant huge...

So sorry to hear your news..You are a wonderful woman and have a wonderful DH too who is supporting you and understands you. Take good care of yourselves and my thoughts are with you xx

sometimes you can surprise yourself and find reserves of strength you didnt know you had.

Looking back at my old thread about miscarriage I can see that. Months on I cant believe that it was actually me that went through that terrible experience.

I also felt I was OK if left on my own, but people being nice, and saying how sorry they were made me crack up. I think I got around this by wearing huge sunglasses, so no one could see my eyes just in case. Bit harder in winter though.

coribells - how i wish for sunglasses!!! Maybe I could wear swimming goggles instead!

Did the school run today which felt funny (partic. when a couple of the mums saw me and looked away in embarresment! I would probably have been the same - never again though). Glad i've done it - the teachers were so lovely to me.

It actually all feels quite unreal now - cannot believe i went through the labour (is this what they mean when they say you forget about the pain of labour quickly...?)

Going to use this to try and do something really amazing with our lives. DH resigned today (hates his job at the moment and is spending 4 hours a day commuting to London which is rubbish). We need to be a proper family and are investigating a family run business which could be big and exciting and fun and hard work.

Would love to hug every single one of you lovely ladies who have said such kind things to me over the last week (can't believe it was a week ago exactly that I found out our little boy was no longer breathing).

Thanks again
DHW
xx

DHW, glad you got the first school run over with. Its a shame people look away and dont know what to say. Really glad you and dh looking for a positive. Brave to resign. Hope your business idea comes off x

Somehow or other this thread has been missed by me. You sound like a really strong person with a fantastic husband. Wishing you and your family a very happy and peaceful time to come.
xxxx

Its great that you are building strength from this DHW. Stay strong x