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Bereavement

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Original poster

I had my stillbirth last night

229 replies

desperatehousewife · 01/12/2005 15:15

I feel a bit weird being on here telling the ether such incredibly personal things so soon - but I've always been a person to talk to here goes.

On Monday I was told my 25 week pregnancy was no more (I knew something was wrong I had felt no flutters for a couple of days). As I was 1 week over the 'viable' date, I was told I would have to give birth to him. Giving birth naturally has been one of my biggest fears (had DS by emergency c-section) and was planning to go for elective c-section in March.

I went into hospital yesterday morning at 9.30 and was induced. Had a long day of small contractions and a couple of hours of really painful contractions then the birth at 7pm
was easy. One big push and all was over.

The relief was monumental. My DH has been amazing and we were both really composed and calm about the whole thing - bizarrely.

We chose to have him cleaned and brought to us - so we saw him and held his hand which was totally amazing - we felt really privileged to see something so tiny and so peaceful that was ours. It made it more real and it made all the labour pain worthwhile.

Was home in a morphine haze and in bed by 10.30 which was great. Slept fantastically and felt eurphoric this morning. So relieved I didn't
have a c-section and that my body feels like mine again. Am probably on a bit of a hormone high - but feel great. Am fully expecting to have a massive low at some point too. But taking each moment at a time.

Am very proud of myself - as I've always been a firm believer that I was a wimp and couldn't do anything remotely difficult. Well I have now
and there's going to be no stopping me in life.

I keep thinking how unreal it all feels and that if this was happening to a friend of mine, how utterly devestated I'd be for them. I guess time will change how I feel and I'll get to realise that this really did happen to me. Sadly we have to wait 6 weeks (probably more with xmas in the way) for the post-mortem results. Would really help to know why this has happened.

Thank you to the people on mumsnet who advised taking a special blanket and a camera - i was so deeply opposed to this idea - didn't even want to see my baby - but when it came to it, both my DH and I felt it was so important not to brush what had happened under the carpet; and to look at what we had created together to make it all more real and to help us accept things. It really really did help and we will never regret it.

Thanks for listening.
DHW

OP posts:
XmasAngelCrimboKat · 02/12/2005 09:29

{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

xxxx

MARINAtivityPlay · 02/12/2005 09:30

dhw, there are some good suggestions on here - Cliff's idea of printing out this thread for your ds2's memory box, and everyone who has suggested a short break away, as soon as you feel well enough to travel. We went away for a week while we were waiting for the PM results. It was a surreal time, for me especially, but ds1 and dh managed some happy times and the change of scene did us all good.
We are all here for you, never be afraid to speak out, however sad you are feeling. Like you, I hit a bad wall on about day three as the elation of the birth passes. Will you be visited by a midwife at home? I was, and that helped a bit.
Your dh sounds wonderful. Mine did his utmost, bless him, but was so harrowed by it all that he spent his fortnight off painting the patio doors - over and over again. He so needed to get something right.
Take good care of yourself. XXX

AlmostAChristmasAngel · 02/12/2005 09:31

i dont know you but i am so proud of you...be gentle on yourself [[hugs]]]]]]

morningpaper · 02/12/2005 09:32

Thinking of you DHW. xxx

StarofBethleCam · 02/12/2005 09:52

DHW xxxxxxxxxxx

I have been thinking of you a lot over the past few days.

My sister had a stillborn daughter 15 years ago, the baby died during labour, and she went on to have another daughter who is now 14.

I am very upset for you and please contact me if you want anything.

Love and hugs, Cam

Original poster
desperatehousewife · 02/12/2005 10:06

thanks cam. x

OP posts:
AwayInAMunker · 02/12/2005 10:08

DHW, you are an amazing woman. I am so glad you have your DH with you to support you through this incredibly sad time. Thinking of you xx xx xx

swedishmum · 02/12/2005 10:31

My thoughts are with you. I can't imagine how you must feel though I gave birth to a baby knowing she would die very shortly. Writing everything down in a diary really helped me - sometimes it's a load of rambling, sometimes nothing to do with her but it's still very precious to me 10 years later. I know later on you'll really be glad that you held your baby. It will take time but it sounds like you're a fantastic and strong couple.

calebsmummy · 02/12/2005 12:53

DHW - Please do CAT me, I have changed my settings so I can recieve them now. It won't stir up bad memories for me, after 13 years I know I have accepted it as much as I can. I would be glad to chat to you and help you as much as I can.

I look forward to hearing from you. x

Original poster
desperatehousewife · 02/12/2005 15:53

Calebsmummy - I have CAT-ed you, thank you so much.
DHW

OP posts:
NewBethlehemGirlwithsparkles · 02/12/2005 15:59

Oh DHS, so sorry this has happened

You do sound like a very strong person.

I hope you get the answers you want.

x

northerner · 02/12/2005 16:13

xxxxxx

calebsmummy · 02/12/2005 16:36

Call me daft/dopey whatever but how do I get CAT's? I thought they came via e-mail, but I haven't got one from you DHW.

Can anyone enlighten me?

DoesntChristmasDragOn · 02/12/2005 16:37

MN Towers send them on to your registered email address. They do this to ensure they are genuine and not nasty or spam or anything They can take a day to get through depending who's on duty.

DoesntChristmasDragOn · 02/12/2005 16:38

(btw - have been thinking of you DHW )

bosscatsroastingonanopenfire · 02/12/2005 16:41

just seen this dhw. what a terrible thing for you and your dh to go through. I am so glad you got some peace from seeing your baby and that you have remained postive. Take care x

calebsmummy · 02/12/2005 16:44

Thanks DCDO, was just coming on to say maybe I was being too impatient and hadn't given them time to pass it on.

DHW - I CAT-ed you back, before I read the blurb! Will speak soon. Look after yourself x

Bibiboo · 02/12/2005 20:59

You are such a brave woman and I'm sure you will get through this and all the awful emotions that come and go. Wishing you lots of love for a positive future
x

moondog · 02/12/2005 21:13

I'm so sorry desperatehousewife. What a momentous event to go through.

It must be a great comfort to know that you handled this in the way you felt was right.

Wishing you peace,love and healing.

XXXXX

anchovies · 02/12/2005 21:22

Am so sorry DHW, am thinking about you xxx

newyearmum · 02/12/2005 21:39

I am so sorry for your loss.

In terms of getting through this terrible time, make sure you allow yourself to really feel all your emotions whatever they are and whenever they arise. Talk when you need to, don't talk when you're too weary.

I know this sounds really 'Oprah', but I think it's really important for the grieving process (I tried to stifle the pain with a different bereavement and it became a much longer-term issue for me). My thoughts are with you.

Cadmum · 02/12/2005 21:53

DHW: I am so glad that your DH is so understanding. It is essential that you spend as much time together as you can manage. I was amazed by my DH's strengh following the loss (similar delivery scene) of our twins. He was a pilar of strength and I was so grateful that he was there for me throughout the induction and the weeks that followed.

Don't be hard on yourself for feeling sad. You have every reason to be devastated. Just reading your posts makes me cry. Be kind to yourself and give yourself time to heal. Talk as much as you can about your experience and know that we are all here to listen.

Thinking of you...

SHHHHsantaiscoming · 03/12/2005 00:11

what can i say..how very very very sad . I so admire the strength you are showing and feel you have gone through such a traumatic time,something I know I couldn't possibly cope with. Having exp x2 mc myself I know what the loss feels like but I have no idea what it feels like to experience it at the time you did. I so hope I never do......

I wish you all the best for your future and I hope you do decide to try for a ds or dd again. Allow yourself time to grieve and to repair. Sending you lots of {{{{hugs}}}}

BournemouthBaubleBabe · 03/12/2005 00:14

Thinking of you, dhw, glad you have had good support her and in rl. xx

bauble99 · 03/12/2005 00:34

Thinking of you DHW, as I have been after reading your last thread. I hope the PM results will help to make some sense as to why this has happened. I can imagine how you're feeling and I know that you can and will get strength from all of the lovely people here, if you want to talk.
Although this is probably not what you want to hear right now, time will help to ease the terrible pain you're feeling at the moment.

Bubble XXXXXXXX