I had my stillbirth last night

[desperatehousewife]

I feel a bit weird being on here telling the ether such incredibly personal things so soon - but I've always been a person to talk to here goes.

On Monday I was told my 25 week pregnancy was no more (I knew something was wrong I had felt no flutters for a couple of days). As I was 1 week over the 'viable' date, I was told I would have to give birth to him. Giving birth naturally has been one of my biggest fears (had DS by emergency c-section) and was planning to go for elective c-section in March.

I went into hospital yesterday morning at 9.30 and was induced. Had a long day of small contractions and a couple of hours of really painful contractions then the birth at 7pm
was easy. One big push and all was over.

The relief was monumental. My DH has been amazing and we were both really composed and calm about the whole thing - bizarrely.

We chose to have him cleaned and brought to us - so we saw him and held his hand which was totally amazing - we felt really privileged to see something so tiny and so peaceful that was ours. It made it more real and it made all the labour pain worthwhile.

Was home in a morphine haze and in bed by 10.30 which was great. Slept fantastically and felt eurphoric this morning. So relieved I didn't
have a c-section and that my body feels like mine again. Am probably on a bit of a hormone high - but feel great. Am fully expecting to have a massive low at some point too. But taking each moment at a time.

Am very proud of myself - as I've always been a firm believer that I was a wimp and couldn't do anything remotely difficult. Well I have now
and there's going to be no stopping me in life.

I keep thinking how unreal it all feels and that if this was happening to a friend of mine, how utterly devestated I'd be for them. I guess time will change how I feel and I'll get to realise that this really did happen to me. Sadly we have to wait 6 weeks (probably more with xmas in the way) for the post-mortem results. Would really help to know why this has happened.

Thank you to the people on mumsnet who advised taking a special blanket and a camera - i was so deeply opposed to this idea - didn't even want to see my baby - but when it came to it, both my DH and I felt it was so important not to brush what had happened under the carpet; and to look at what we had created together to make it all more real and to help us accept things. It really really did help and we will never regret it.

Thanks for listening.
DHW

[REINDEERPOOtlepod]

Thinking of you DH.

[starlover]

hi dhw... i am not sure what to say... everyone else has already been so eloquent and said everything i wanted to say

but my thoughts are with you

[FlameRobin]

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

[spod]

Message deleted

[hoxtonchick]

thinking of you dhw.

[CliffRichardSucksEggsinHell]

Print this thread off too, then get a special box to keep all the treasured memories of him in it. I think it might be nice to have something of him to keep.

Best wishes for you and your family. xxxx

[biglipskissinunderthemistletoe]

im so sorry about what had happened.. my thoughts are with you xxxxxxxx

can i say this?.. why havent you given him a name? as i dont understand? (Sorry)

[ambercat]

I am in awe of your strength and courage in dealing with this.
Iam so sorry for your loss

[desperatehousewife]

We knew from our 20 week scan that he was a boy and have struggled over the last month to come up with boys names that we both like.

When this happened we didn't want to personalise it too much - we didnt' even want to see him after he'd been born, let alone name him. It was hard to think of him as a being.

We did however decide that it was real, he was real and needed to be seen and said goodbye to. But giving a name just felt too much. He wasn't ready to come to us yet so will remain 'baby xxxxx' and if we go on to have another child and it is a boy again, we might want to use a name from our fave shortlist.

[hornbag]

Like so many others I've shed a tear at this. My thoughts are with you x

[Roobietherednosedreindeer]

I feel the same as everyone else ..... please know that you are in my thoughts.

[winterWOMBAland]

You and your family are in our thoughts dhw
xxx

[nikcola]

thinking of you and your family xxxxxxxxx

[beansprout]

best wishes to you and your family xx

[majormoo]

your post was so moving and I am really glad you and your DH mangaged to get through the experience with such strength.

Re getting through the next few weeks, try and take things slowly, you don't have to rush anything. Advice that I think helped me after losing our baby, was reading in a leaflet we were given that although life has to go on, you don't have to pretend that it's your normal life. You are going to feel 'weird' for while (sorry-bit of an understatement), and that is OK-you just have to go with that.

You already said that you are a person who needs to talk, so carry on doing just that.

Hope you find SANDS helps you

Anyway, thinking of you.

[biglipskissinunderthemistletoe]

oh right..... ((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))

how is your DP/DH coping with this?

[calebsmummy]

DHW - I know you are feeling all kinds of different emotions at the moment and there will be more to come. Shock at this stage is probably the norm, I know I was in a state of shock for a long time. Sadness, overwhelmingly so, will be there and anger too. And lots more. It takes a long time to accept what has happened, if you ever can, but it does get easier. I have always said that you never get over losing your baby, but you do learn to cope with it. You will never forget him. Cai's face is imprinted in my memory.

I am part of a support group, Baby Loss Support Group, which is fantastic. There are sadly far too many of us there at different stages. If you feel up to it, have a look. this ( I hope that works)

Also I am happy for you to CAT me if you want to, though I am not sure how that works yet.

You mention your 3 year old. He will get you through this, children are a good distraction. Cai was my first, but I had my second son 13 months later and I have always said he saved me. I now have 4 sons, 3 with me and Cai.

You take care of yourself. Your posts are moving me to tears and all of these wonderful caring ladies here. Someone mentioned printing these messages off, a great idea. It will be a wonderful memory of your baby. Also get a special memory box for him, I have one and although I don't look every day now, I know it's there when I want to be that bit closer to him.

Anyway, I am rambling now. My thoughts are with you. You will get through this, I promise.

xxxx

[Frizbethebumpedupreindeer]

Thinking of you dhw xx

[desperatehousewife]

calebsmummy - thank you so so much. Amazing to know I'm not alone.
Really appreciate your advice.

I will certainly print these amazing messages off and put them somewhere special. Many of these messages of support have brought a tear to my eye too!

Times like this that Mumsnet really shines. I have had my fair share of silly posts and silly worries, but this has been a really serious support system. Very reassuring.

Thank you everyone - I can't tell you what it means.

x

[HollyLogos]

No words except thank you for sharing the birth of your baby. You are truely amazing. My thoughts are with you and your family.

[coribells]

DHW,
I had some the same worries as you when I had my miscarriage. I had DS by ceaserean section too, and was convinced that I wouldnt be able to get through it. The gas and air and morphine made it a very sureal experience, so the actual birth wasnt as traumatic as I thought it would be. I also remember feeling a slight elation/pride almost after the birth, I have heard women who have vaginal births describe this. I think this must be something to do with the hormones too.

One thing that did help us a lot , was going away for a long weekend the week after the birth. We had already booked a weekend at Disneyland paris, we decided to go ahead with it even though I wasnt well. It really helped to focus our attention on our DS and not constantly be thinking about what we had lost.

If it wasnt for Mumsnet I dont know how I would have got through my miscarriage, the support I recieved is/was beyond anything I would be able to find in RL.

[Morgan]

DHW,
Very very sorry to hear of your loss.

The same thing happened to my closest friend 3 years ago at about the same time. They decided to go away for Xmas with their dd and went to Tenerife. Ny friend always says that it was a good thing to do to get away and she has good memories of Christmas on the beach etc rather than what it could have been at home.

Definitely keep on talking too we used to talk about everything from Eastenders, the other children and what had happened and that seemed to help.

[SNOWaMANda]

DHW, reading your post and how strong you sound and how well you have dealt with such an enormous loss has reduced me to tears.

I wish I would have dealt with my loss at 21 weeks like you have done now. I held my daughter I'm glad I did as it made saying goodbye easier.

My thoughts are with you and your family.

[elastamum]

So sorry

Thinking of you...