I had my stillbirth last night

[desperatehousewife]

I feel a bit weird being on here telling the ether such incredibly personal things so soon - but I've always been a person to talk to here goes.

On Monday I was told my 25 week pregnancy was no more (I knew something was wrong I had felt no flutters for a couple of days). As I was 1 week over the 'viable' date, I was told I would have to give birth to him. Giving birth naturally has been one of my biggest fears (had DS by emergency c-section) and was planning to go for elective c-section in March.

I went into hospital yesterday morning at 9.30 and was induced. Had a long day of small contractions and a couple of hours of really painful contractions then the birth at 7pm
was easy. One big push and all was over.

The relief was monumental. My DH has been amazing and we were both really composed and calm about the whole thing - bizarrely.

We chose to have him cleaned and brought to us - so we saw him and held his hand which was totally amazing - we felt really privileged to see something so tiny and so peaceful that was ours. It made it more real and it made all the labour pain worthwhile.

Was home in a morphine haze and in bed by 10.30 which was great. Slept fantastically and felt eurphoric this morning. So relieved I didn't
have a c-section and that my body feels like mine again. Am probably on a bit of a hormone high - but feel great. Am fully expecting to have a massive low at some point too. But taking each moment at a time.

Am very proud of myself - as I've always been a firm believer that I was a wimp and couldn't do anything remotely difficult. Well I have now
and there's going to be no stopping me in life.

I keep thinking how unreal it all feels and that if this was happening to a friend of mine, how utterly devestated I'd be for them. I guess time will change how I feel and I'll get to realise that this really did happen to me. Sadly we have to wait 6 weeks (probably more with xmas in the way) for the post-mortem results. Would really help to know why this has happened.

Thank you to the people on mumsnet who advised taking a special blanket and a camera - i was so deeply opposed to this idea - didn't even want to see my baby - but when it came to it, both my DH and I felt it was so important not to brush what had happened under the carpet; and to look at what we had created together to make it all more real and to help us accept things. It really really did help and we will never regret it.

Thanks for listening.
DHW

[walkinginawinterBundleland]

(btw dhw, with friends who've been in a similar situation to you, I've found it helpful for me to refer to their baby by his/her name, as I didn't "know" their baby like they did. however, you sound like you know what is right for you & your family, nothing is compulsory, x)

[desperatehousewife]

thanks for your thoughts. Sadly santas already been - DH bought me a lovely watch in October...that'll teach me to be impatient for xmas pressies!!

Sounds a bit of a naff old cliche, but christmas will be a great opportunity to be together just the 3 of us and to 'regroup'!

Just counting down the days now for DH to finish work - Next week is his last week of commuting to London ever again...yay!

You have a lovely xmas too...xx

[ellasmum1]

only just read this thread and just wanted to add how sorry i am for your loss of your son. the very fact that you are able to talk so openly about it will hopefully help you and your family come through this difficult time.You really are an inspiration to others for your courage and honesty.xxx

[majormoo]

DHW-just wanted to say, hope the 3 of you have a peaceful Christmas. Take care