I had my stillbirth last night

[desperatehousewife]

I feel a bit weird being on here telling the ether such incredibly personal things so soon - but I've always been a person to talk to here goes.

On Monday I was told my 25 week pregnancy was no more (I knew something was wrong I had felt no flutters for a couple of days). As I was 1 week over the 'viable' date, I was told I would have to give birth to him. Giving birth naturally has been one of my biggest fears (had DS by emergency c-section) and was planning to go for elective c-section in March.

I went into hospital yesterday morning at 9.30 and was induced. Had a long day of small contractions and a couple of hours of really painful contractions then the birth at 7pm
was easy. One big push and all was over.

The relief was monumental. My DH has been amazing and we were both really composed and calm about the whole thing - bizarrely.

We chose to have him cleaned and brought to us - so we saw him and held his hand which was totally amazing - we felt really privileged to see something so tiny and so peaceful that was ours. It made it more real and it made all the labour pain worthwhile.

Was home in a morphine haze and in bed by 10.30 which was great. Slept fantastically and felt eurphoric this morning. So relieved I didn't
have a c-section and that my body feels like mine again. Am probably on a bit of a hormone high - but feel great. Am fully expecting to have a massive low at some point too. But taking each moment at a time.

Am very proud of myself - as I've always been a firm believer that I was a wimp and couldn't do anything remotely difficult. Well I have now
and there's going to be no stopping me in life.

I keep thinking how unreal it all feels and that if this was happening to a friend of mine, how utterly devestated I'd be for them. I guess time will change how I feel and I'll get to realise that this really did happen to me. Sadly we have to wait 6 weeks (probably more with xmas in the way) for the post-mortem results. Would really help to know why this has happened.

Thank you to the people on mumsnet who advised taking a special blanket and a camera - i was so deeply opposed to this idea - didn't even want to see my baby - but when it came to it, both my DH and I felt it was so important not to brush what had happened under the carpet; and to look at what we had created together to make it all more real and to help us accept things. It really really did help and we will never regret it.

Thanks for listening.
DHW

[majormoo]

DHW-just wanted to say, hope the 3 of you have a peaceful Christmas. Take care

[ellasmum1]

only just read this thread and just wanted to add how sorry i am for your loss of your son. the very fact that you are able to talk so openly about it will hopefully help you and your family come through this difficult time.You really are an inspiration to others for your courage and honesty.xxx

[desperatehousewife]

thanks for your thoughts. Sadly santas already been - DH bought me a lovely watch in October...that'll teach me to be impatient for xmas pressies!!

Sounds a bit of a naff old cliche, but christmas will be a great opportunity to be together just the 3 of us and to 'regroup'!

Just counting down the days now for DH to finish work - Next week is his last week of commuting to London ever again...yay!

You have a lovely xmas too...xx

[walkinginawinterBundleland]

(btw dhw, with friends who've been in a similar situation to you, I've found it helpful for me to refer to their baby by his/her name, as I didn't "know" their baby like they did. however, you sound like you know what is right for you & your family, nothing is compulsory, x)

[LadyTophamInAChristmasHatt]

Bundle, I just thinking the very same.

I hope you have a good christmas DHW, and Santa is generous to you all

[walkinginawinterBundleland]

dhw, I'll be thinking about you a lot this Christmas, x

[desperatehousewife]

oh toscar - i cannot imagine what you must have gone through - I am so desperately sorry for your loss. Thank you for your message.x

[toscar]

Am very very sorry for your loss (i have heard that a million times and it seems such a dumb thing to say, but what else do you say). I went through the same thing 3 years ago, at 41 weeks and 4 days, when my Chloe Angel was born to angels. Counselling was the best thing I did, but didn't start until 5 months later, and by then I was a mess. You've done the right thing by seeing someone so early. I wish you well.

[desperatehousewife]

thanks

[RudiRedNose]

(((((DHW)))))

[desperatehousewife]

Blimey - can't believe i'm still getting messages on this thread - it's incredibly touching - really.

I had my first session with a bereavement councellor last night - it was so weird because never in my life have I ever expected to need to see a councellor and it felt faintly familiar (but bizarre!) because I guess I have seen so many programmes or films with people going to see councellors.

Anyway I found it draining because she asked lots of pertinent questions and after having just told her that I hadn't cried for the last 3 days, I just lost it and cried and cried.

I can hardly believe that this has happened to me - I feel numb and wonder if I'm still in shock or what...?

Most of the time I am absolutely fine - very very very tired and a bit flat, but fine. Am able to talk about it in whatever detail people require, but I think in a slightly detached way and there is a lot of me keeping it 'together' so as not to embaress others or maybe to show them just how well I'm coping I guess.

Very occasionally I have the hideous thought running through my head that I have given birth to a dead baby - sounds very cold but that is the truth of the matter unfortunately.

I find that if I sit or lie around 'relaxing' I start to replay the birth or see the image of our baby and it's pretty wearing I have to be honest.

There seems to be quite a lot of suprise that we didn't name the baby or that we don't want a funeral service. I can only go on what we feel at the moment and neither of those things felt right to us.

Am being easy on myself - had the most amazing 90 minute facial today and feel the most pampered I have ever felt in my life!!! Amazing!

[LizzylouDonkey]

DHW, I hadn't seen this thread before, but I am so touched and overwhelmed by your grace and dignity throughout all of this, you are remarkable, as is your DH.

I am unable to express myself very well here but I want you to know that I think about you a lot xxx

[handlemecarefully]

Only just seen this thread again after spilla's bump, how are you doing now dhw? I'm not surprised the floodgates opened...

[spilla]

you must b the bravest person I know!!!!!!!!!!

xxx

[munz]

oh DHW honney ((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))). you're not damaged in any way. you've suffered a horrible loss which only others who have gone through it will know exactly how you are feeling. no you and DH won't be the same again, but hopefully this will bring the family unit closer together.

what you are feeling is natural and normal. unfortunatly honney there's nothing that will be a quick fix so to speak, so if those flood gates open honney u just cry away (even if it means u cry urself dry) how ever you and DH are feeling right now is perfectly normal.

the key thing is to talk with your DH, and your Dcotor. please don't bottle things up. even if it does mean coming onto here and having a good old rant (when he's not about). remeber we've laughed together, we'll cry together. I can't begin to imagion what u're going thru, just try to get some rest, and don't expect anything of yourself. all of you need time to grieve and heal.

((((((((((((((((((((((((9hugs)))))))))))))))))))

[calebsmummy]

Hi DHW,

Sorry I haven't been about for a few days. Also sorry to hear you are feeling rubbish. I did think this may happen after a while. I have sent you an e-mail and also sending you big hugs.

Take care xxxx

[coribells]

DHW, you seemed to be doing so well that I had wondered when you would 'hit the wall' so to speak. I remember being shocked at how strong I felt after the birth, and how I just seemed to carry on. After a while it hits you just what you have been through, and you know that a life changing traumatic event has happened and you can never be truly the same again. But as you know over time it will get easier, and there will up days, and moments where you will just crash for a while.
If you dont have much energy at the moment just give into it for a while, dont push yourself too much at this stage. I did after my miscarriage and ended up getting sick with one infection after another.

[desperatehousewife]

thanks noddy - could really do with all my things realigning! Am all yours!

[noddyholder]

Sending you loads of good vibes DHw xx It amazes me the way people are just discharged after something so major with no emotional help in place should you need it.This is where holistic therapies can be excellent.Will talk to you about it when you are ready xx

[sunchowder]

DH, I just saw this and wanted to send my love and support to you, I cannot even begin to imagine what you are going through.

[desperatehousewife]

you lot just stop!

I have hit a wall and have had an emotional crash! Went to docs yesterday (as was feeling angry nobody "official" seemed to care about my physical or mental wellbeing) and he said that many women have an emotional crash 7 days after giving birth naturally - so felt reassured that there is a big hormonal thing going on with me at the moment anyway.

Have had a lot of teary outbursts over the last two days and feel slightly scared that there could be a bit of a floodgate opening soon and that I might cry myself dry.

I think it's starting to hit me now what has happened and although I know I will be alright and I know that there is light at the end of the tunnel - I also know that there is a lot more sadness and difficulty ahead and it really scares me.

What scares me most is that I consider myself damaged goods now and that's really hard to deal with. I will never be the same person again. My DH and I will never be the same people. There will always be this thing that has happened that makes me feel sad.

But I know there will be some positives somewhere and we will learn to adapt to us being slightly different...

I am so completely exhausted at the moment - hope I get some energy soon.

[CarlyP]

you and you family are doing amazingly well. wishing you all the happiness in the world.

[MABS]

Hello darling, you've told me about the business idea and it sounds perfect. As others have said on here, you are truly inspirational and that is without them meeting you. Being lucky enough to count you as a friend is truly a privilege and I'm sure your inner strength and wonderful family will help you through this.xxxxxxxx

[jinglediddle]

Oh DHW - your last message is inspirational, if nothing else my miscarriages made DH and I also feel so lucky for what we have, and to really treasure life, and the lives of others even more than ever.
I hope you have great success with your business, sounds exciting.

[allycotownofbethlehem]

DHW - you posted earlier on my "panicking cos I'm having a boy thread".

You are so dignified and brave and after all that you have been through recently you can still spare a thought for other people. WOW!