I had my stillbirth last night

[desperatehousewife]

I feel a bit weird being on here telling the ether such incredibly personal things so soon - but I've always been a person to talk to here goes.

On Monday I was told my 25 week pregnancy was no more (I knew something was wrong I had felt no flutters for a couple of days). As I was 1 week over the 'viable' date, I was told I would have to give birth to him. Giving birth naturally has been one of my biggest fears (had DS by emergency c-section) and was planning to go for elective c-section in March.

I went into hospital yesterday morning at 9.30 and was induced. Had a long day of small contractions and a couple of hours of really painful contractions then the birth at 7pm
was easy. One big push and all was over.

The relief was monumental. My DH has been amazing and we were both really composed and calm about the whole thing - bizarrely.

We chose to have him cleaned and brought to us - so we saw him and held his hand which was totally amazing - we felt really privileged to see something so tiny and so peaceful that was ours. It made it more real and it made all the labour pain worthwhile.

Was home in a morphine haze and in bed by 10.30 which was great. Slept fantastically and felt eurphoric this morning. So relieved I didn't
have a c-section and that my body feels like mine again. Am probably on a bit of a hormone high - but feel great. Am fully expecting to have a massive low at some point too. But taking each moment at a time.

Am very proud of myself - as I've always been a firm believer that I was a wimp and couldn't do anything remotely difficult. Well I have now
and there's going to be no stopping me in life.

I keep thinking how unreal it all feels and that if this was happening to a friend of mine, how utterly devestated I'd be for them. I guess time will change how I feel and I'll get to realise that this really did happen to me. Sadly we have to wait 6 weeks (probably more with xmas in the way) for the post-mortem results. Would really help to know why this has happened.

Thank you to the people on mumsnet who advised taking a special blanket and a camera - i was so deeply opposed to this idea - didn't even want to see my baby - but when it came to it, both my DH and I felt it was so important not to brush what had happened under the carpet; and to look at what we had created together to make it all more real and to help us accept things. It really really did help and we will never regret it.

Thanks for listening.
DHW

[Atomicstockinghanger]

DHW, I am so sorry this has happened I did send you a little message on the March thread, saying how sorry I was to hear things had turned out as they did. You are so strong and it sounds like you and your wonderful DH are going to get through this, together. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your husband, and I am sending you much love with this post. Take care of yourself DHW, and go with your feelings, don't fight them.
Lots of love
ASH
xxxxxx

[Mercy]

I'm so very sorry to hear of your loss.

[noddyholder]

DHW I am amazed at your strength and dignity in this You are right that you have so much to be grateful for even at a time like this Your dh is amazing and you deserve no less xxx

[walkinginawinterBundleland]

thanks DHW, I just wondered, that's all. I hope "talking" on here helps in some small way. The 3 week old baby of a friend of ours died in the summer, and I think of him/her often. We'll all be here when you need us, x
(I'm so glad you were dealt with sensitively, and your dh sounds lovely)

[Bugsy2]

dhw, you are amazing. I hope you will always be able to remember the moments you spent with your baby with such fondness.

[cod]

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[ItllBeLonelymumThisChristmas]

I always think having to give birth to a stillborn baby must be one of the worst things in the world, but somehow you have managed to gain some strength from this. Wishing you the very best in the future.

[ediemay]

your post is so beautifully written. Peace to you and yours at Christmas time.

[Mummyvicky]

Well done for everything DHW,you are certainly no wimp-You are very strong.
Wishing you and your family all the very best.
xx

[LadyTophamHatt]

Oh DHW, what a wonderful post about such a tragic event.

I'm so sorry that you've had this happen, my heart aches when I read posts like this and I hope the post mortem give you and your Dh some answers.

Take care.
xxxx


(I was emmatmg)

[MulledWineFlanders]

Oh DHW, I am so, so sorry. I wish I knew what to say.

You are absolutely right to be proud of yourself and I so hope that your positivity remains strong.

I don't think I'll ever forget the way you described your perfect, peaceful little boy.

Lots of love to you and your family. xxx (((hugs)))

[Meanoldmummy]

I think you are an incredibly brave and dignified person. The thought of going through what you have makes me shake. I doubt anything in life will ever be as hard for you as this. I hope you get the rest and peace you deserve after being so amazingly brave. My thoughts are with you and your husband.

[puff]

Thinking of you dhw.

puff xx

[wilbur]

DHW - I am so very sorry for your loss, and amazed by your extraordinary courage. Take care. xxxx

[Zephyrcat]

Hi DHW. I was devastated to see your post on the March thread. I can't begin to tell you the mixture of emotions your post here made me feel. I think that you are an amazingly strong woman and I'm so glad that you and your dh were able to spend some time with your Son and find that level of peace with him.

We are all here anytime you need us and are in all our thoughts and prayers. xxxx zc

[RosiePosie]

DHW, I'm afraid I was going to chicken out and not read your post, but I am so glad I that I did because, as someone else said, it was so beautifully written. You did amazingly. Take good care of yourself over the next few weeks, and I hope the new year brings you peace and happiness.

[puddle]

What an amazing post DHW. Thank you for sharing it with us. I am so sorry about your baby boy - it sounds as though you are surrounded with love to help you through this. Take good care of yourself and hug that little boy tight. xxxx

[mygarland]

Just wanted to add my support. You are incredibly strong but don't be afraid to cry or not feel strong, it might not have hit home yet. From my family to yours I offer my sympathies and well wishes, x

[NoRoosmumAtTheInn]

so sorry to read this, really admire your strength & glad you feel peaceful it.
xxxxx

[NoRoosmumAtTheInn]

about it (sorry)

[slinksanta]

im really glad your experience was a good as it could be and that you said goodbye to your baby, i really hope the postmortem can give you some reasons as to why this happened.
as for the next few days/ weeks take it as it comes, your milk will come in which can be distressing, but i shouldn't last very long.
we will all be here for you to rant scream and cry whenever you want.((((({hugs))))))

[Snowballstrike]

DHW I also want to add my best wishes and admiration to this wonderful list of caring people. You have touched all of us with your story and your strength. You deserve to feel proud and have all the happiness in the world for the future.

[Socci]

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[laundrylover]

Thank you so much for letting us know this DHW as I had been thinking about you a lot from the March post. I'm glad you chose to see him too as I know people who both did and didn't and in the long term it definately seems to help. Stay strong and get out the Xmas Baileys!!

[WigWamBahhumbug]

So, so sorry for your loss, but so glad that you have managed to gain comfort from seeing your baby, and that you have had as positive an experience as you could have done given the circumstances. Such a beautiful and dignified post.