Morning all. Sorry I didn't post again last night but I crashed out and just slept, which I needed. Felt so shit this morning when I woke though as I had a message on my phone from my aunt telling me that my cousin's due date is Dec 28-30th, I just cried as Scarlett's funeral was the 29th of Dec and all I could think was that it should be me. I only found out last week that she's pregnant. I'm just sick of pretending that everything's ok and that I'm happy because I'm not. I don't begrudge her being pregnant at all but I just can't stand knowing that it's all going to be happening when our little girl died; all those firsts and I have to deal with someone's baby being born then as well. I can't say this anywhere else and I think I sound like a selfish cow but I'm being honest and I need to say it somewhere. I just couldn't stop sobbing this morning at all. Kids were a few minutes late in for school so I feel bad about that as well. Walked round the shops yesterday and they were filled with babies and pregnant women as usual but we passed one tiny little baby that was asleep and all I could see was Scarlett lying in the midwives arms not sleeping :( Sorry to be so miserable but it's not a good day. Plus I tested this morning (shouldn't have bothered) and it was negative as expected but I had to do it anyway.
Blue We had a hearse for Scarlett but it brought her and the flowers to the cemetary, we all made our own way there, and after the service it carried her down to her final resting place. God I feel so much for you, I don't know how I kept it together on that day, I think through a blur of numbness. Sending you love and strength. I couldn't hold her coffin and nor could dh, just couldn't do it.
spilt (hugs) I know that feeling, everyone being excited about their pregnancy but even now (and I'm not pregnant) all I can think is how I couldn't really actually believe it until I held a live baby in my arms. It's strange to think that even a few days before she died the thought that she could die didn't cross my mind; not really. Never with any real meaning. Now, it's all I can think about and all I can stop myself from saying when people talk about it. If I'm lucky enough to get pregnant again I'm avoiding all classes again, didn't bother with any after my first and I don't think I could now at all.
green my dh also called and told his mum, I texted mine from the room where they scanned us. I remember it all so vivedly. I can't believe I texted her but I had to tell her right away and I just couldn't speak. I was so numb with disbelief and tears but also thinking that I must wake up as it was clearly a dream. I knew something was wrong after 4 or 5 midwives couldn't find a heartbeat and then them ushering us straight up to a room to be scanned with more people in the room. God I couldn't believe it. My dh feels the same, it was his first baby, mine are with my ex husband but I still think he's a dad. We had a lovely poem at Scarlett's funeral which works for a dad as well as a mum I'll post it now:
I thought of you and closed my eyes.
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a mother and
I know I heard him say,
A mother has a baby.
This we know is true.
But God, can you be a mother
when your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can, He replied
with confidence in His voice.
I give many women babies.
When they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime
and others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb
but there's no need to stay.
I just don't understand this. God,
I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared His throat
and then I saw a tear.
I wish I could show you
what your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile
with other children and say,
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of life and love and fear.
My Mommy loved me, Oh so much,
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a Mom
who had so much love for me,
I learned my lesson very quickly.
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy, Oh so much,
but I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
on her pillow's where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
and whisper in her ear,
'Mommy don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I'm here.'"
So you see, my dear sweet one,
your children are okay.
Your babies are here in MY home
and this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with ME
until your lesson is through.
And on the day that you come home,
they'll be at the gates for you.
So now you see what makes a Mother?
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of,
right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realize you are a Mother,
until their time is done.
They'll be up here with ME one day,
and know you're the best one
Copied and pasted but I changed the "moms" to "mums", works for dads too so you could change those. I really like it.
wool (hugs) for you and your family. I talk about Scarlett, and share photos of her grave when we add things, on facebook too. If people don't like it they can choose to delete me, not look or hide all my posts. I refuse to not talk about her like she didn't exist as she very much did and will always be just as much a part of our lives as my living children.
Caz it took dh until now (almost 7 months) to start feeling it, he's on anti depressants and not coping well at all, he's really bad and has self harmed :( Sending love to you and your dh.
shabs sorry I missed Matt's birthday, I hope his day was perfect for you and massive hugs. You have me on fb xx
ginge 8 weeks...(hugs) hope today is peaceful for you. I'll look you up on fb.
If anyone wants to add me on facebook pm me and I'll give you my name xxx