Love, like starlight, never dies... Our precious children sparkling in the sky xx

[CazandBelle]

"Small was feeling grim and dark. He was playing toss and fling and bang and crash. Break and snap and bash and batter. Small said ?I?m a grim and grumpy little small and nobody loves me at all?. ?Oh Small,? said Large. ?Grumpy or not, I?ll always love you no matter what.?

Small said, ?If I was a grizzly bear would you still love me would you still care?? ?Of course,? said Large ?bear or not, I?ll always love you no matter what.?

Small said ?But if I turned into a bug, would you still love me and give me a hug?? ?Of course,? said Large ?bug or not, I?ll always love you no matter what.?

?No matter what?? said Small, and smiled, ?What if I was a crocodile?? Large said ?I?d hug you close and hold you tight and tuck you up in bed at night?.
?Does love wear out? said Small, ?does it break or bend? Can you fix it, stick it, does it mend?? ?Oh help,? said Large ?I?m not that clever I just know I?ll love you forever?.

Small said ?but what about when you?re dead and gone, would you love me then, does love go on?? Large held Small snug as they looked out at the night, at the moon in the dark and the stars shining bright.

?Small look at the stars ? how they shine and glow, but some of those stars died a long time ago. Still they shine in the evening skies. Love, like starlight, never dies?.

NO MATTER WHAT by Debi Gliori

Missing my beautiful Belle, a year to the day we placed her to bed in her garden. Mummy and Daddy love you, always. To the moon and back xxx

Caz I just want to send you a hug. Whatever you are feeling today, tomorrow and every day that follows is totally normal my friend. Doesn't matter how many of us tell us what amazing work you have done honouring Belle the pain you feel tonight feels so raw... hang on in there, keep talking, there are many here to hold your hand as you have held theirs xxx

Morning girls xx

Morning all , lovely title Caz .

Remembering my lovely Harry ,always 14mths old .

Caz I hope you are feeling a little better today . I think you were always going to have a "downer" for want of a better word after all the fund raising days were done . You have been so busy and occupied and now you have time to just be .

You and everyone else is right about the first year being the worst but tbh for me I really struggled with the second year too (sorry) The whole "this time last year" stuff was harder because it was all filled with grim memories rather than any happy ones . I started to feel so distant from what had happened . And of course everyone else seemed to think that because you had done all the "firsts" already then you must be ok .

Sending you huge hugs x

And hugs to everyone else too x

loving the title!

Anyone else feel like a failure?

Green - only feel like that a couple of times a week now - instead of every hour, of every day!!

went to the funeral director this morning... it all felt so final now. Declined the use of the hearse, just the idea of this tiny little coffin in the back of a huge hearse felt all wrong.

Feel very teary and sad. This isn't what I was supposed to do now, I should still be carrying my baby in my belly! Not carrying it into church in a box! :(

Good afternoon ladies xx

Sending my love to you and your family blue we will all be here to support you through the coming days. It is so painful and unfair. xx

Hope you have a more peaceful day today caz xx

blue . We did the same, declined the hearse and asked them just to bring her in a normal car and meet us there. Clutching her little coffin was somehow comforting, holding her close again for that last time. Love to you, it's so hard x

caz I hope today has been gentler to you.

We started our NCT course last night. Lovely people and an interesting evening but really hard to actually process it. I just feel overwhelmed and sad as they talk through labour. Came home and cried. I couldn't tell you why, just a big sadness and heaviness. They are all so excited there, bless them. How could I casually drop into the conversation "oh yes, I know what the hospital's like because I was induced last year there after my daughter died." ? I didn't. But I feel like I was acting and that's tiring.

we didnt have a hearse either... we didnt want a big affair just the family at home. we were offered 1 car and we could all get in and we could carry fraser on our knee or 2 cars ..

we went for 2.. the thought of driving to the cemetary with him on my knee was too much though dh carried him to his garden. People offer you these choices and you just think wtf???? I should be deciding on a pram, a colour for the walls .. its all sooo overwhelming

Oh I remember at my ante ntal classes they asked us to put our hand up of we already had a child.. I did and they said would any of you like to share your stories of childbirth with us. I sooo wanted to say me I will tell you but thought no I'd better not. I said this to my midwife later and she said I was stood there torn between thinking I hope fm doesnt and it think it would be good if fm told her story

so there i was on the train this morning thinking about work when suddenly I had an image of me calling mum to tell her I had lost the baby. It was as if I was right back there and the tears were blinding me

Whats that about..???? years later out of nowhere.. its too weird for words

I think folk must have thought I was a nutter wipping away tears for no reason

OMG I know that feeling - having to tell your parents. No wonder you cried - who cares what other people on the train thought - sod them all!!

xxxx

Ouch fm, I was dreading the "put your hand up if it's your first" sort of moment, but fortunately the NHS course was led by my MW so she knew our background and didn't ask (not sure if she would have done nomally), and this NCT one I put down about Bobbie on our booking form so the teacher at least is aware, even if none of the rest of the class are.

Awful telling parents. I was so worried about upsetting them . DH made the phonecalls with it on speaker phone whilst I sat in the corner of the room and cried. He cried too but was so brave for doing the phoning. These moments come back to you out of nowhere. It's frightening sometimes, you just feel so vulnerable.

it is so true the way it hits you like a train. My DH did the phoning aswell, we had gone to the hospital in labour, so when he rung them he got the excited voices asking what I had and he had to say a little girl but shes dead! He did it from the bathroom of the room as he didnt want to upset me but I was already past that, holding my little girl in the bed.

Yesterday it really hit me when my DH was given a cup of tea with the phase I heart Dad on it, he turned it away, he couldnt drink it. That really did me in and ive been very tearful ever since.

He says he isnt a Dad, he doesnt think of him self as one. It s very sad as I think of myself as a mum, but I suppose we do dont we, we gave birth its very real to us. Not that its not real to them our Dhs, they just feel empty.

green my DH is the same, he struggles to feel like a dad. He knows he's a father because he knows we had a baby, but he doesn't feel like he ever got to be a daddy. I do try and tell him he's a dad - he did everything he could have done for her by that stage. He looked after me through the sickness and tiredness, he came to all her scans, he was excited, he was with me all through every part of the induction and birth. He read the poems for her at her funeral. It's not the daddy-ing role he expected to have, but I know he loves her and I wish that felt like enough to him if that makes sense?

I am two
Can that be?
I question which one's really me.
One is smiling? Coping well?
The other weeps in a living hell.

One is
too tired to deceive,
And wants to be alone to grieve.
The other
Tries to battle on
Even though all meanings gone.

Some days, one
Is stronger than the other,
Or, the two,
Will merge, then I'm another.
Perhaps one day
I'll find the real 'I'
But until then
One will laugh
And the other will cry.

by Ann Holloway - taken from her book 'Matthew - shadows soft around his name.

that's beautiful x

2 years ago, at some point in the evening my beautiful DD2 died at exactly 40wks gestation and she was born at 4.15 am on the 30th of June after a short spontaneous labour. I had no idea anything was wrong until my waters broke.

I'm so sorry Niamh - how could I not know you were dying?

And we still have no idea why.

Only you ladies here can understand the pain we feel

what a lovely poem shabsx
Sending love to you and your family woolyjo life is so cruel xx

I also remember telling my parents, well it was actually my youngest brother (he's 16) who picked up the phone. I asked him if my parents were home and he said no, so I said can they call me back please, in a very teary voice. I couldn't not tell him, so I did, said we had the scan and the baby had died. I still feel so sorry he was the first one to hear... I can't remember but I think he almost started crying.
My FIL also had real difficulties when my DH phoned him, it must have been the shortest phonecall ever to him. He didn't know what to say and just told my DH, Oh no, I'm so sorry, I will tell Mum.

We had a discussion yesterday about writing Sterre's name on cards you'd send to people. DH said he wouldn't do that. I'm quite torn in the middle. I would like everyone to know I have a beautiful angel baby, but on the other hand I don't want to confront people with something sad, if you know what I mean?

Love to you woolly. I've got tears in my eyes reading your post. It's just not bloody fair is it? Our poor children

blue yes I know that one too. I've so far only put Bobbie's name on cards to DH (birthday, father's day) and not to anyone else. But it almost sent me round the twist writing the tiny handful of Christmas cards and leaving her off. I guess I was afraid they would think I was over-egging it. That I'd had a miscarriage, albeit a very late one, and was over emphasising the loss. That is a really stupid thing to think isn't it?! As if the arbitrary 24 week line in the sand suddenly makes any difference? As if 20 weeks/22/23 is somehow less of a tradgedy. If you want to put Sterre's name on, then go for it. Sterre is your baby to be acknowledged however you want. Too many people will very quickly forget, that's one of the worst bits.

Woolly - will be thinking about you tomorrow. Tomorrow (but 27 years ago) at around 1am I was lucky enough to have my Matty. For you it will be a day of sadness and for me a day of thanksgiving for the short life my precious boy had. Life is very, very strange - isin't it?

There aren't words to say what I am trying to say and I hope I haven't offended you Woolly xxxx

oh spilt did you also got these comments like oh I didn't know you could have a funeral!
I just want to shout to them! Yes well it was my child, however many weeks ( like you said) does it matter? If it would have been theirs, they would have wanted a funeral! But people will only understand once they go through it themselves!
I was so happy our vicar said, a child becomes a child from the moment of its conception!
I feel so sad that Sterre will never be 'officially' recognised! I bloody well gave birth you know! So unfair! :(

Today has been exhausting. I've felt pretty much the same as yesterday, but being in work today I've had to have that face on. Nearly cracked once but on the whole got through, came home and have had a sleep and now cooking our late tea.

shab I think that poem sums me up today perfectly...

DH isn't very well, I think its hitting him too. I'm the crying mess and he's come down with what appears to be tonsilitis. He was in a right state this morning, all panicked because he felt like this throat was constricting and it hurt to breathe. I've never seen him panic before :( Been to the Drs and been given antibiotics so hopefully they'll kick in now overnight...

I've written Belle's name on cards to my parents but not anyone else yet. I didn't know what to do at Christmas time, we sent very few cards, about 10 I think and I wasn't feeling strong enough for any negative reaction. This year, I really hope I get to write all four of our names on cards, I just don't think I will be able to leave Belle off.

And the phonecalls. DH did them all. 2 hours after we found out Belle had died, and I'd taken the first tablet to try and start labour. I was led on the hospital bed in the room at the end of delivery and it had a door leading outside, DH sat on the steps outside ringing his parents, my parents and his boss - his boss because I'd phoned him hysterically at 9.30 not long after he'd got to work. I couldn't find her heartbeat on our home monitor thing, and even though I tried to console myself that the batteries must be flat I just knew she'd gone before we got the hospital, then the 'hope' on the trace thing, and then those words. He couldn't find his boss to ask to go home so just left and asked someone to explain I was very upset and needed to go to hospital. So he had to phone her that afternoon too to to explain himself. So brave. I didn't make a phonecall to anyone but my Mum or DH for months and months, I couldn't cope with the phone.

Love to woolly and shab xx

Sorry for the super long post

Woollyjo Thinking of you and your precious Niamh x

Blue Yes, unfortunately lots of people don't recognise our losses. A particularly stupid woman at work today was asking me if I was going to have a caeserean and that no matter what anyone says giving birth is painful. Hello? I lost Malachy at 30 weeks pregnant - do you actually not realise I gave birth? SHe's said something similar before, she is an idiot though so perhaps I shouldn't take too much notice! I think you're right that people don't know what losing a child is like unless yo have experienced it yourself. Most people have forgotten Malachy, its in the past, but Dh and I will never forget him, our children willl aways be with us xxx

Caz I hope your DH feels better soon!
My DH went into work today to give his sick note, but he hasn't really said anything about it. He's only got a temporary job as he is training to be a driving instructor.

One of my church friends who's pregnant, said today as we were talking about Sterre's funeral that she is absolutely certain lots of people will attend. I hope so... it gives me a bit of recognition of Sterre! That people do care!

blue I'm sure you'll be amazed by the number of people at Sterre's funeral. I remember walking in with Belle and my legs almost giving way because there was so many people. My Dad had a very tight hold on me down that aisle because he could feel me going. A small church that could sit 120 was full and had lots of extra people standing at the back. I'm sure there will be lots of people. xx

I also think you are being tremendously brave sticking with the November ladies. I still pop by my August 2010 group occasionally too, the ladies were so kind when Belle died, but I couldn't visit in the beginning. I still find it very hard sometimes reading about what their almost 1 year olds are doing when Belle isn't. Infact I tend to skim read and focus on only a few things, it is too hard to read it in detail.