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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

Love, like starlight, never dies... Our precious children sparkling in the sky xx

984 replies

CazandBelle · 28/06/2011 11:13

"Small was feeling grim and dark. He was playing toss and fling and bang and crash. Break and snap and bash and batter. Small said ?I?m a grim and grumpy little small and nobody loves me at all?. ?Oh Small,? said Large. ?Grumpy or not, I?ll always love you no matter what.?

Small said, ?If I was a grizzly bear would you still love me would you still care?? ?Of course,? said Large ?bear or not, I?ll always love you no matter what.?

Small said ?But if I turned into a bug, would you still love me and give me a hug?? ?Of course,? said Large ?bug or not, I?ll always love you no matter what.?

?No matter what?? said Small, and smiled, ?What if I was a crocodile?? Large said ?I?d hug you close and hold you tight and tuck you up in bed at night?.
?Does love wear out? said Small, ?does it break or bend? Can you fix it, stick it, does it mend?? ?Oh help,? said Large ?I?m not that clever I just know I?ll love you forever?.

Small said ?but what about when you?re dead and gone, would you love me then, does love go on?? Large held Small snug as they looked out at the night, at the moon in the dark and the stars shining bright.

?Small look at the stars ? how they shine and glow, but some of those stars died a long time ago. Still they shine in the evening skies. Love, like starlight, never dies?.

NO MATTER WHAT by Debi Gliori

Missing my beautiful Belle, a year to the day we placed her to bed in her garden. Mummy and Daddy love you, always. To the moon and back xxx

OP posts:
Original poster
CazandBelle · 07/07/2011 07:39

Had a lovely moment last night with DH and Xander. DH was lying on my tummy and talking to him and told him he wanted to feel a proper boot in the face and some kicks now and not just a wriggly little flutters he's been feeling up until now. Almost as if on demand Xander gave him a massive kick in the face. I know it is a co-incidence and probably just because of the weight of DH's face on him, but what a good little boy! Made DH's night and he was almost crying. A mixture of wow that's my boy and remembering the things he used to do with Belle too. She used to kick him in the face when he talked to her aswell. Ah everything is so bittersweet.

Feeling emotional again today. I'm having lots of ups and downs at the moment, and the lows days are coming quickly again and not taking so much building up too. I think I'm over tired and cannot wait for the summer holidays to start.

OP posts:
CheeseandGherkins · 07/07/2011 13:12

Spoke to my gp this morning and I have a blood test booked for next week for the things I need testing for. After doing some research I now feel so guilty, what if it was a clot that caused Scarlett to die? I'm hoping I'm not pregnant this month now too, on day 37 today...they can't test for it during pregnancy and I didn't realise it was so important to have done. I feel awful, what if it was my fault? My head is spinning.

I'm not sure I can cope with knowing it was my fault :(

spilttheteaagain · 07/07/2011 16:02

cheese it wouldn't be your fault. Mother nature can be a bitch and you mustn't hold yourself responsible for things that you couldn't have known about. I went through a similar head spin when they told me I had an underactive thyroid just after we lost Bobbie. Of course I googled and found that untreated, it had put me at 4 x greater risk of losing her and I went into meltdown thinking I had failed her. But in point of fact it turned out that the thyroid wasn't the problem, it was the toxoplasmosis. But even if it had been the thyroid, and much as I would have felt responsible, it wouldn't have been my fault. You can't treat what you don't know you have. What's hard is knowing how easily they can screen for these things, but they don't on cost grounds, so we go through this cycle of beating ourselves up. Please be kind to yourself ((hugs)) x

Our cot arrived last week and we built it. The date of manufacture is stamped on the base - 9th October 2010. Bobbie's birthday. We were shocked. But actually it is nice in some sort of way, that on that day whilst she was being born, her little sister's cot was being made. It feels like a link between them.

Had a fraught day. The baby's had a couple of quiet spells (not out of character to be fair!) but just when I decided to lie down and pay attention to her moving she decided not to move at all. It's horrible. Eventually I got a kick and burst into hysterical sobs. The relief is hard too. You realise how afraid you've been and how far mentally you've already gone down the route of expecting the terrible scan, the induction, the phonecalls to everyone and most of all the blackness of early grief all over again.

shabbapinkfrog · 07/07/2011 17:24

There are a couple of lads in a car speeding up and down our street and around the block. We live in a small estate of terraced houses. There are children playing out on the street - at least 20 children. He is going so fast that I cant get his numberplate details. I have now found my old rounders bat and, believe me, armed with that and my mobile phone to ring 999 I WILL CAVE THEIR BLOODY HEADS IN....all the kids keep scattering. I know that the two boys are part of the Asian community in our area - I know they have only just left Toms school so they are 16 at most. The Pakistan community have an elder who sorts the kids out - he lives around the corner from me so I am off to have a word with him. If I am on News at 10 and in a police cell DO NOT BAIL ME OUT!! Oh my blood is boiling!!

shabbapinkfrog · 07/07/2011 22:48

Weirdly enough.....the 'drive a car in a stupid way thing' stopped very quickly....now all my neighbours think I am a nutcase Grin Ah well....so be it!!

janedoe25 · 07/07/2011 23:13

Well done shabs I hope the boys have learned their lesson!

spilt hugs.

cheese of course it wasn't your fault! Hope you are ok x

shabbapinkfrog · 08/07/2011 06:12

Morning girls xx

lavandes · 08/07/2011 08:03

Morning ladies xx

shabbapinkfrog · 09/07/2011 06:04

Morning girls xx

Everybody OK?

CheeseandGherkins · 09/07/2011 10:58

Morning. I found out 2 days ago that I'm pregnant! Was a really faint line then and yesterday but today it was darker so I'm feeling better about that! Praying this works out ok.

Feel quite a mix of emotions at the moment. Hope everyone is ok xxx

shabbapinkfrog · 09/07/2011 12:11

WOW cheese - congratulations!!!

Whichever chair you have all been sitting on please tell me so I wont sit on it!!!!

Original poster
CazandBelle · 09/07/2011 12:49

congrats cheese xx

OP posts:
Minione · 09/07/2011 14:03

Congrats cheese! I'm so happy for you x

CheeseandGherkins · 09/07/2011 14:32

Thanks! I was convinced that nothing was happening this month as well! So shocked still.

Hope everyone is ok today xxx

lavandes · 09/07/2011 19:08

Congratulations cheese great news xx

gingegirl · 09/07/2011 22:31

Congratulations cheese!! Nice to hear some good news for a change!! How many weeks do you think you are? Xx

shabbapinkfrog · 10/07/2011 09:55

Morning girls xx

CheeseandGherkins · 10/07/2011 18:36

Evening.

Thank you both too. ginge from LMP it's 5+4 I think today but I only got a positive a few days ago and I think I ovulated late so I'm not really too sure.

Hope everyone's doing ok. It's weird as we're still trying to arrange Scarlett's headstone and now I have thoughts of another baby in my head. I'm trying not to get ahead of myself though as I know it's such early days yet. It's very confusing.

Original poster
CazandBelle · 10/07/2011 22:12

Yes it is very confusing cheese

I find it very conflicting all the time. If Belle was here I'm fairly certain Xander wouldn't exist, because we had no intention of ttc again until she was 3. I wish she was here but in essense that is wishing Xander away and I love him as much now.

Very proud of us this weekend. We've taken a massive step of buying something "big" for Xander. We've bougth the odd very cheap bits, but this weekend we bought the moses. I've decided this is progress.

With Belle we were borrowing moses, babasling, bath stuff etc. But I want Xander to have 'big' stuff bought just for him too so everything we were going to borrow we're now going to buy. So taking that step this weekend is huge. I must try and stop saying "if" and start at least pretending to believe he is coming home.

OP posts:
EggyAllenPoe · 10/07/2011 22:18

its TMDVs birthday if those of you that know her want to wish her well xx

shabbapinkfrog · 10/07/2011 22:35

Happy Birthday Mrs D.....saw your photo on FBook off Billie's balloon - very, very wonderful!!!

shabbapinkfrog · 10/07/2011 23:47

Mrs D's brilliant thread

shabbapinkfrog · 11/07/2011 06:12

Morning girls xx

lavandes · 11/07/2011 12:29

Good Afternoon ladies xx

lia66 · 11/07/2011 23:56

hello ladies, I hope you don't mind me popping on here. i just wanted to way hello to caz and spilt as I was on the august 10 thread with you both. i remember your stories so well. I mc my baby shortly after your own losses but I have since had my goegroues little girl on 1st April this year.

Huge congratulations to you both on your pregnancies, i will look forward to reading your birth stories in due course.

Also just to say, this is a lovely thread, my beautiful great niece was born sleeping 5 yrs ago yesterday and I have lurked from time to time. You ladies are always an inspiration I have to say. where you all find the strength is beyond me, and I struggle at times, wondering how she would have looked, she would have been in reception now etc etc. For some of you, how you get up in the mornings.

Good luck ladies. xx

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