my beloved hubby died 2 weeks ago today - suicide :(

[Blondeshavemorefun]

tbh i dont know what to say - i never expected to post a thread in this section of mn :(

I didnt expect to be a widow at 37 :(

he was severely depressed, and although had some very good days, he also had very bad days and for whatever reason he felt he couldnt carry on and took his own life on Saturday 16th april :(

i know its early days, but i cry every day, silly things set me off, like yesterday changing the duvet cover - it was hubbys's job to do that and i had to do it for the first time

its got to get easier hasnt it? :(

we did have a few nice days - but now cloudy or 14ish

still waiting for holiday money - couldnt get through to virgin yesterday and now shut till tue as bhw

it will should pay out eventually but with everything financial it takes time

but thanks for company - most welcome xx

I am SO sorry for your loss! Sounds like he had a mental issue. I have Bipolar and have had up and down days for years. Close enough down to be hospitalized. Did some crazy things that I wish I didn't. Anyway, the sadness WILL be replaced by happy memories after a while. It may take a long while. Usually as long as you've been together, as I've read. BUT... PLEASE don't think it was your fault! If he was feeling the way you say he was feeling, there was nothing you could do! Just being there for him was good for him, I am almost positive. But, when you go so downhill into Depression, it is hard to deal with and you also think you don't want to burden a certain person or people. I am here for you if you need me. Maybe I can answer some unanswered questions about mental health or just help you deal with the loss?

Morning B

Big morning ))))))squidge((((((( Sorry you had a rough night, hope you have a better day

Blondes my lovely, I am so sorry you had such a sad time last night, it must all feel so raw. I wish there was something i could say that could actually help. But remember what your Aunty P ( was it her?) said though...

I know you do, but continue to take strength from the fact you are clearly surrounded by love.

Sending a whole big pile of love to that...

Hugs B tight xx

Blondes - sorry you had such a sad & lonely night :( You've done a whole week now though - that's a pretty big achievement!

The passing of time is weird isn't it, in the way that it can feel like ages ago that they died, yet just like yesterday as well. It's shit my love and knowing there's nothing anyone can do to make it better doesn't help either does it :( You know if all our love & thoughts could bring him back, he'd be here - but sadly they can't, all they can do is hopefully make you feel a little bit less alone and a bit more loved x

Mediums/spirit world - I do, simply because people's accounts of things that they have been told or things that have happened have no other explanation. However, I have never used one myself, although I have thought about it. I think there are two things that stop me - if it worked I would probably never give those on the 'other side' any bloody peace I'd be wanting to communicate with them all the time and secondly - how do you find a genuine one? I actually know someone who does it who just makes stuff up :( They say though, that you should leave it at least 6 months but longer if you can.

Can you plan some time in the sun with any of them? I know it's hard to think about 'a holiday' as such, especially after having to cancel Tunisia - but how about something low key like a Villa in France - or more likely knowing you something full on like a mad week in Ibiza!!?

I hope you enjoy the company of your friends tonight and over the next few days and that they can make things a little bit easier for a bit - I know that no-one can change how you are really feeling inside but they can take the edge off of it.

yes a bad day today - tons of tears :( but hopefully tonight will be better - off out with eating drinking with 9 friends, so beware my home town!!!

finally opened post today and got a letter from the pension service,which sort out the bereavement fund, saying that they have paid my money (which they did)

last sentence on the page is

if your circumstances have changed then please get in touch with us

well yes, actually dh is jesus christ and has risen after 6 weeks of being dead!!!

can def say circumstances HAVE NOT changed!!!

'pours a large G&T and downs it'

PILLOCKS!!!!!!!!!

Am really glad you are out on the town tonight.

((hug))

And am really sorry that yet again you have had to come up against more twatty pillocks...

< passes the gin bottle >

sorry blondes you've had more insensitive officialdom. Have a great time tonight.

Oh Blondes, these companies should be ashamed of themselves. I wish I could make it all better for you .

I am so glad you have your dad.

Hope this evening out with your girls goes ok.

Big love x

Blondeshavemorefun Very sorry. My BFF committed suicide. In time I found the book 'A Special Scar' by Alison Wertheimer really helpful. Better (for me) than counselling.

thanks psgull have ordered the book from amazon- tbh i am not sure how the self help groups of widowed/suicide can help me - i have visions of everyone sitting in a circle, a bit like aa meetings and standing up and saying 'hi im blondes,my dh committed suicide'

and then what ......

but i will go after the inquest, i just need closure first iyswim

i wasnt sure if you meant boyfriend friend or best friends friend by bff, assume you didnt mean breast feeding

have to joke at times or i just cry

had a goodnight last night with my friends, and was what i needed as really had a shit day yesterday and spent most of it in tears - just really hit me :(

but today im fine and not hungover :)

i do sometimes wonder what people think of me when going out and trying to have fun/enjoy myself, and wonder if they think omg blondes is laughing/getting pissed - how can she enjoy her self when her dh has just died

but generally i dont care what people think and i feel that mark would want me to try and carry on as normal - whatever normal now is

chippin you asked how to find a good medium - my friend has always sworn about a man called tom smith who lives near her in bournemouth, he has told her things about her dad that no one would know, about what her mum put in his coffin, about a mc she had and other amazing things

several friends went to see him the day after marks funeral and he 'appeared to them'

i was told, and he does a tape so you can listen

he gave his wife an almightly shock when she found him

very depressed but happy and at peace now

enjoyed the reading that family did at funeral

liked what was put in his coffin (i put beer/tobacco/paper and lighter)

and a few other things that made me omg and :)

im seeing him in july, so will be interesting if he 'comes' through for me

so basically if you are interested in seeing a good/proper one then go and see tom smith

Glad to hear you had a good time!

With regard to the going out with your mates, and what other people think, you are right not to care. You should trust yourself on this and follow your own feelings. So when you want to be on your own, be on your own, and when you want happy company of your mates in a big night out, then go for that.

It's not up to anyone else.

And I'm glad to hear you don't have a hangover, evil things

prob deserve one as seem to have a pint of gin in my hand in one of the pics ......

but i didnt go overboard as doing 3 motorways later

If you feel strong enough, or maybe a friend would do it for you, but I suggest a letter stating that a standard letter with "if the circumstances change" at the end of a letter relating to a death is not on at all.

Tom Smith sounds good. It will be interesting to see what you think when you go in July.

I understand what you mean about going out/having fun etc - it's something most people struggle with being seen to be doing 'so soon', worrying what other people think. Do what works for you - sod anyone else x

I think it hits you again and again in little chunks - you feel 'ok' for a bit then it hits you again... I think it's the only way you can cope with it :(

please please contact someone like CRUSE to have someone to talk to you through this terrible time. There are so many stages of grief that you may encounter and it will always help to know there is someone there for you who is non judgemental and a good listener. Sometime it is hard to tell even close family and friends exactly how you feel for fear of upsetting them...be kind to yourself, and let everything out. Big hugs

blondes so sorry to hear you've been having such a tough time with all the insensitive knobbers at these banks and insurance companies.

I beleive in the spirit world, mediums etc. I have a friend who can see visions but doesn't hear things IYKWIM and i had a reading off a friend of hers who never admitted what she could do, only to friends, and she was genuine. she told me things i didn't know about peole who had passed that i later clarified. Tom smith sounds like he is genuine. i think the key is to not give too much away during the reading, eg give yes or no answers so they can't make stuff up based on the info you give them. If you are cagey with information and they get stuff right you know they are genuine. I hope you get a good reading in july and it helps you to get some closure
I may consider hunting tom smith out myself in the future now i know there is a medium not too far from me as there is someone on the other side who i really want to hear from

You still seem strong and are coping amazingly well with all the crap that you are having to deal with. one day at a time

blondes Sorry, BFF is hip kids way of putting Best Friend. I like to think I'm 'with it' in terms of jargon sometimes! I think going to the inquest is a great thing to do. I wasn't able to - had a Final Uni exam - but spoke to the officials afterwards and it was good to know what was said etc. I had some 121 counselling sessions. I started off not having a clue what I was going to talk about and then lots came tumbling out. Give yourself time and just do whatever feels right - wine, walking or wailing - at that moment. Things will get easier and it will hurt less, promise. :)

Morning my lovely.

Hope you had a better night. Sorry you had such a tough day yesterday, no logic or control with grief, I'm afraid. DH lost his best friend nearly 18 months ago and several of his darker days were not those immediately after his friend died.

You are wonderful and have faced things with such bravery. These days will happen. Recognise them and be kind to yourself.

))))squidge((((

morning from sunny raining bournemouth :)

after a crap saturday, i had a lovely sunday at a friends baby shower and now at my friends for a few days - its raining today :( but tomorrow on wards is meant to be sunny :)

fab i think i will write a letter but not sure who to address it to? was trying to think how circumstances can change - as even if i met someone, i would still be entitled to the payment so what the hell can change?

as i said dh isnt going to suddenly turn up alive

psgull best friend :( thats sad and regards to inquest, i have no choice, i have to go there, ive been summoned and if i dont go, im in contempt of court as i found him , i have to be there

chippin yes im looking forward to july, did try to see him while im down now but he normally has a 6/8 week wait

kazmus i will go to cruse but need to have closure after the inquest

vnmum tom is meant to be fab, theres an unofficial group on fb and all say hes fab

thanks knotty

Morning - it's not raining here yet - but it's threatening to!

Bournemouth with friends sounds a lot better than my list of jobs for today :/
Please have some chips on the beach for me and dibble your toes in the water! I really, really miss living by the beach... I hope you have a relaxing couple of days there and get some much needed sleep.

About the letter - other than the obvious which of course wont happen :( is there anything at all that could change whether you were entitled to that money or not? If not you or your Dad need to write them a scathing letter - things need to change. We can't change how much they have hurt us now or or how angry they have made us now - but we can - hopefully - change how they treat others after us - and I guess, maybe us again in the future.

ANYONE who was married and they/their dh/dw worked and paid ni is entitled to the £2k

its a fixed amount so no scale iyswim

just a battle to get it - think the leaflet says the payment is immediate

'blondes gives a hollow laugh'

6weeks down the line and i got it and poor rinders is still waiting for hers

so no, there is no reason why i would have to give back etc

Can you find out on line who is the chief executive?

how would i do that, or can someone find out for me?