my beloved hubby died 2 weeks ago today - suicide :(

[Blondeshavemorefun]

tbh i dont know what to say - i never expected to post a thread in this section of mn :(

I didnt expect to be a widow at 37 :(

he was severely depressed, and although had some very good days, he also had very bad days and for whatever reason he felt he couldnt carry on and took his own life on Saturday 16th april :(

i know its early days, but i cry every day, silly things set me off, like yesterday changing the duvet cover - it was hubbys's job to do that and i had to do it for the first time

its got to get easier hasnt it? :(

So sorry you have just had to deal with that Blondes .

Oh, blondes that must have been so hard - and unexpected! You poor thing

On the person knocking on the door wanting work it is worth seeing if something can be done to take financial advantage of that rather than just let an individual business die. You might be able to find someone in the same trade as him locally and have a deal that the queries you pass on you get 5% of whatever is ultimately billed rather than just letting all his reputation and goodwill die away and the business die with him and all its value.

Blondes - it was good news about your insurance. I hope you have stopped feeling guilty about that now - absolutely no-one could doubt you wouldn't rather have Mark back x It's just one less worry and one more thing for Mark to be happy about.

About time Barclays stopped being such idiots.

Xenia's idea for the business is a good one. Could you sell the business/contact list etc?

Well done for going to the gym & getting your nails done. I'm very impressed that you are holding up so well and getting on with things :) x

I hope there's going to be a little one for you to look after at the wedding and you can squish all of the hugs out of them.

If you have trouble sleeping when you get home, try sleeping on the settee with the TV on a very boring news channel.

x

tbh unlikely going to get many queries as i have cancelled dh phone and his business number

i just didnt expect someone to knock on our door

i didnt want phone calls asking for him - tbh everytime his phone rang/had a message in the 1st few weeks after his death it freaked me as meant i had to tell yet another person that mark was dead :( and then cried down the phone as i told them

i can see what you are saying about 'earning'off him/his business but tbh i just want out and get away from it

chipin generally i am doing ok as i have no choice but its the little unexpected things that knock me for 6

i am still not looking forward to tonight and sleeping alone but i know it needs to be done and hopefully will be tired form working and will zonk (tho know i wont)

have had several friends ring me after seeing my fb status about customer and all said stay at ours tonight, but i have kinda worked myself up to staying alone tonight so need to do it

just may mean i have every light on lol

Try the TV - it gives light and noise - enough distraction to stop you thinking about things, but not too much to keep you awake.

You have to do it sometime, tonight is only half a night :) x You can always go to a friends again tomorrow night can't you.

Have a shower and put on some nice clean jammies, snuggle up with a blanket on the settee and a large glass of wine. Don't put too much pressure on yourself to go to bed & sleep x

yes i do have to do it sometime and this is what i keep telling my friends and yes actually only half a night

and if need be i can call up any of my local lot and go ahhhhhhhhhh having wobbles

and again if need be i can have someone tomorrow night

but i NEED to do this

thats the hardest thing about losing mark and not having any kids that im always going to be alone in the house - where as others on mn who have lost dh's have kids so not alone iyswim

so yes when im home about 12.30/1am i shall have a glass of wine or possbly a large G&T and watch a bit of tv until tired :)

Hey B, just seen what has happened - you must have felt like the carpet was pulled from under you. I am so sorry that this happened to you today..

I quite understand that you need to stay at home tonight, but hopefully after you get home late, you will be able to watch some crap late night tv with a few gins, and maybe snooze off, or not. It will be part of a night as you say, then see how you feel about Sunday.

(hug)

xx

You have some great friends :) You are very fortunate (I know you know that... but I just wanted to say :) ).

You will be fine, half a night on your own in the house - you are fine in the daytime, so there's no reason not to be fine at night - just don't put yourself under pressure to sleep - you can always sleep the day away tomorrow! I spent many a night MN'ing through the night... it was good, but became a bad habit!! It took ages to shift my sleep patterns back!

It is hard to be suddenly alone in a house, night after night - it's quiet & lonely at first, but you do get used to it. It's very different as for you it wasn't a choice to live alone :( but you will get used to it in time.

It is hard not having children in the house, on the other hand it gives you a lot of freedom to go and stay with other people that those with children don't have - swings and roundabouts isn't it and both are shit.

It's all shit, the things you have to do, the things you have to get used to, the things that take you by surprise... all you can do is cling onto the fact that Mark isn't suffering anymore and cope as best you can.
x

I really don't mean this to be flippant but you saying about being alone made me wonder if you would consider getting a pet? After I left my partner I bought my own flat and was scared about being alone as I was on the ground floor but having FabCat really helped me.

Good luck for your sleep alone 1/2 night. There will be someone on here what ever time you need company if you need it.

blondes, if it helps in any way I felt very lonely and afraid in the house after neil died and I have three kids

good luck

hi blondes haven't posted on here before but have been reading and think you are amazing. so sorry for your loss. will be thinking of tonight. a horrible thing to do but I think you are right in saying that it is something you need to do. A few glasses of red make me sleep like a log! Good luck xxx

Swings and roundabouts :(

Yes as no kids I can be very flexible to where and what I do but always means I'm alone

Fab - many people have said to me me get a dog - tbh I couldn't think of anything worse - I'm not a huge doggy lover and I'm
Far too selfish to get up and walk every day and ESP in the rain

Plus being out of the house at work it wouldn't be fair to leave alone all day

I'm allergic to cats but I do have my hammies which i adore and give lots of cuddles and love to

and a tank of testicles

Trinity - I can understand that as not adult conversation

blondes - wishing you a 'peaceful' half night - there will always be someone on MN or FB to help you through if you cant sleep.

You are so strong and couragous and I am so proud of your strength. Your humour still comes through in your more wobbly posts - which s a testament to your character.

Good to hear you have survived a gym session. It can get rid of some built up tension doing Body Combat I am sure - just make sure you eat something proper before you train.

Jeep your chin up missus!

Thank you jenda

Just read my last reply

I don't have pet testicles

• I have tetras fish

Bloody iPhone spellcheck :)

Bloody typical - the one time I'm tired&i can't go to bed as working. But soon will drive home and spend the first night alone in 5 weeks since mark died .................

Gotta do it one day and hopefully once I have done one night then others will be easier

Blondes , I've never posted on your thread as I couldn't think of anything original to say - poor, poor excuse - but have been thinking of you this evening as you face tonight & am so full of admiration at your strength of character .
Loved your pet testicles
Sending positive thoughts & prayers , if OK with you

its so damn hard.the oddities of negotiating ones own feeling and trying hard not to upset anyone else in the process

'and a tank of testicles' nearly made me spit wine over my laptop

hugs blondes

Hob - you don't need anything original to say - just words are nice so thanks for your reply

Scottish - tbh nothing really upsets me as nothing can top finding your dh dead :(

Trinty - glad I made you smile :)

There's got to be some laughter in the world or I wont get through this

Hence why I have tons of bums and bra pics on my fb :)

thank you coffee

well im home

left all light on

'deep breath blondes'

Good plan to leave the lights on, I used to leave the lights and radio on so that the house didn't feel so empty when the kids are away. Have you tried any sleeping meds? My doctor says piriton Is good cos not addictive and it doesn't stay in your system for ages like other meds.
I do hope you're tucked up and asleep now.
Take care.

OJ - tucked up in bed but not asleep

Have left downstairs hall light on

Watching tv as now I'm wide awake coz of driving home and that wonderful thing called sods law - not!!!!

I've got sleeping tabs from gp but tbh I don't like taking then as make me feel groggy the next day and I don't wan to get hooked on them

Morning - well I managed to spend the night by myself!!!!

'proud emotion'

Hark at thee, blondes - very clever and wonderful you, you totally deserve a .