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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

my beloved hubby died 2 weeks ago today - suicide :(

721 replies

Blondeshavemorefun · 30/04/2011 14:03

tbh i dont know what to say - i never expected to post a thread in this section of mn :(

I didnt expect to be a widow at 37 :(

he was severely depressed, and although had some very good days, he also had very bad days and for whatever reason he felt he couldnt carry on and took his own life on Saturday 16th april :(

i know its early days, but i cry every day, silly things set me off, like yesterday changing the duvet cover - it was hubbys's job to do that and i had to do it for the first time

its got to get easier hasnt it? :(

OP posts:
prettybird · 18/05/2011 10:06

Good news about the insurance. You will have ups and downs - but you've been amazing - as have your friends.

GettinTrimmer · 18/05/2011 14:39

I'm thinking of you Blondes xx are you managing to get a bit more sleep? Your friends are lovely sure they won't mind Blondesitting for as long as needed...

Original poster
Blondeshavemorefun · 18/05/2011 14:42

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

FUCKING autoglass - they are trying to make me pay £92 for marks new windscreen instead of £60 as say i need to pay vat as business vehicle - not any more it isnt - its mine so its just a white van!!

trimmer no they dont mind, but i have to try and do it eventually as cant be blondesat forever

so sat night here we come ........

OP posts:
mistlethrush · 18/05/2011 14:47

Blondes, if you need someone to ring them up for you, pm me with a few details, I'll gladly give them a call.

onadietcokebreak · 18/05/2011 15:05

Blondes just seen this thread and am very sorry for your lost.

Suicide is so difficult to grief in my experience.

Im glad you have your dad for lots of support

TheOriginalFAB · 18/05/2011 16:18

Don't give in to autoglass Angry.

Make a huge fuss like Rinders did with the credit card company. Some people can be vile.

Original poster
Blondeshavemorefun · 18/05/2011 17:15

fab all sorted - a case of again the left hand and right hand dont talk to each other - pillocks - i argued the case that it WAS a business policy and not now and hubby was dead (sorry that card again) and therefore no business anymore

OP posts:
TheOriginalFAB · 18/05/2011 17:30

You don't have to apologise as you are not playing a card. It is a fact that your husband has died and the policy needs to change because of this.

RatherBeOnThePiste · 18/05/2011 17:44

You must want to bang your head against a brick wall Blondes.

How frustrating, I am sorry they are all such tossers.

Original poster
Blondeshavemorefun · 18/05/2011 17:51

pisty yes over some things - just seems the big boss's dont speak to the little people Hmm

so im now waiting for my bereavement cheq and holiday insurance to pay out ...............

as well as land deeds and mortgage deeds to change to my name

OP posts:
KnottyLocks · 18/05/2011 17:58

It's so bloody complicated. As if you haven't got enough emotional upheaval without having to deal with all this extra shite. Thank God you have such wonderful support around you.
I dread to think how people deal with all this red tape without that. I'm sure there are some very vulnerable people who have been taken advantage of.

scottishmummy · 18/05/2011 18:01

how sad.and so v recent.who is supporting you?
have you been to GP? There are support groups for those affected by suicide and another support org and dept of health advice
and gp may know of other local support too

maybe consider a debrief if you feel strong enough

dont knock back any help offered,be it practical or emotional or food
does work know,what can be done there
let folks help out,and when it gets too much chuck em out
dont do any stiff upper lip,if you want a cry,shout- you go ahead and do it

on a practical level,do you have any children?if so can school or nursery be vigilant and supportive to you

who is helping with the financial stuff

really,dreadful experience. take this minute by minute.hour by hour.allow self to heal and dont set unrealistic expectations

RatherBeOnThePiste · 18/05/2011 18:25

Blondes - you are right - communication is often so poor. It's mad because we all want things to be straightforward, and yet as a society we make it so difficult for ourselves. Why do we do that? Poor B, you must feel like your head is spinning at times. xx

wizzler · 18/05/2011 20:40

Blondes, I cannot believe all the crap you are having to deal with in RL, at the same time as trying to cope with your loss. You are doing so well, dealing with muppets like autoglass etc. Glad your finances seem to be getting sorted out, one less thing for you to worry about...

onlyjoking9329 · 19/05/2011 01:57

Sounds like it's been a tough and frustrating day, sorry it's been so difficult.
Actually I wish I'd written what scotishmummy says, for she is very very wise.
Are you at home tonight or with friends? Where ever you are, I do hope you are fast asleep.
PS see you on FB at stupid o'clock Wink

Xenia · 19/05/2011 08:58

Glad the insurance paid out and you will be mortgage free from tomorrow, although it's no comfort. really and as you're married there is no inheritance tax paid on death. Good luck with the fertility tests. People do get pregnant after a spouse dies by IVF if sperm had been frozen if that is what you want. There was that lady who had to go abroad to have it done and had a child - Diane Blood?

Original poster
Blondeshavemorefun · 19/05/2011 12:23

scotish mummy thanks for links and advice

yes been to gp and tbh not really that helpful - i have a wonderful bunch of excellent caring friends and my parents/aunt and brother all close by and fantastic so im very luck with that amount of support :)

tbh couldnt have done any of it without them

alas no children :( and xania no frozen sperm by him as we were just starting out on ivf :(

onlyjoking i was there at 5am this morning replying to you on fb lol

wizzler thanks, they are arses - just as barclays are - had a run in with them this morning Angry

More financial piffle to deal with. Why can't banks do their job properly???? !!!!!!!!

They are Arses - they LEGALLY have to accept the interim certificate but want the proper one to transfer his account funds to me.

They can't have what I don't have Hmm and won't get till inquest is over so till 15th June

'blondes takes a deep breath'

thanks ladies for listening :)

OP posts:
TheOriginalFAB · 19/05/2011 13:24

My two pennies worth is to phone the bank as often as you can manage so that they give in to make you go away. Sometimes that is the only way they will listen. Or tell them you want to close your account as the bank will not listen, that might help them listen.

I am so sorry you have this hassle too.

Original poster
Blondeshavemorefun · 19/05/2011 13:57

i havnt got an account with them so cant close it - the only one i want closed is marks and funds transfered to me

it will happen, im in the right and my intermin certificate is a LEGAL document and the coroner said all banks/financial people will accept ti

OP posts:
TheOriginalFAB · 19/05/2011 13:58

I hope it is sorted out today.

Original poster
Blondeshavemorefun · 19/05/2011 14:00

i doubt it, i thought it was sorted last friday afternoon Hmm

and head of barclays is complaining they dont have a certified copy of the death certificate, thats not my fault that a member of their staff didnt do their job properly and stamp their copy before sending it off

OP posts:
TheOriginalFAB · 19/05/2011 14:06

Service has gone down hill so much.

Xenia · 19/05/2011 15:47

I ordered loads of copies of my father's death cert. so we had a lot of originals but it's certainly so much hassle to deal with this stuff when you've just been bereaved (and much worse for you as it was a spouse). If you have an original death cert get a local to certfity about 20 copies of it perhaps so you have a stack of them on-hand. I was surprised by how many copies we ended up needing and it took ages for originals to be posted back here.

If you're short of immediate funds may be your own bank would increase an over draft until the other bank pays out.

Was the life insurance policy for a sum higher than the remaining mortgage ie will more pay out than just to pay off the mortgage and did he have any other life policies such as from work?

(Sperm, well probably just as well - it's a bit weird to conceive after someone has died really but I would certaily go ahead with the NHS fertility checks just for your own peace of mind)

Xenia · 19/05/2011 15:48

Look at private pensions too - sometimes they pay out a death benefit to a widow or widower if the person dies before the pension is drawn

Xenia · 19/05/2011 15:48

And someone needs to transfer the house into your sole name too - you might need al awyer for that and only do it once the mortgage is paid off and a record has been sent to recored it as paid off at the Land Registry.