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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

my beloved hubby died 2 weeks ago today - suicide :(

721 replies

Blondeshavemorefun · 30/04/2011 14:03

tbh i dont know what to say - i never expected to post a thread in this section of mn :(

I didnt expect to be a widow at 37 :(

he was severely depressed, and although had some very good days, he also had very bad days and for whatever reason he felt he couldnt carry on and took his own life on Saturday 16th april :(

i know its early days, but i cry every day, silly things set me off, like yesterday changing the duvet cover - it was hubbys's job to do that and i had to do it for the first time

its got to get easier hasnt it? :(

OP posts:
Original poster
Blondeshavemorefun · 16/05/2011 15:38

well today is a month in :(

they say the first everything is hard - cant beleive ive done one month, another 11 to make a year

seems forever :(

seems ages ago dh died, yet was a month ago

which doesnt make sense

the boys and i are getting together later on tonight for a drink

OP posts:
mistlethrush · 16/05/2011 15:41

(((((hugs))))) (don't care about the MN etiquette)

RatherBeOnThePiste · 16/05/2011 16:10

Hey Blondes - yes, the firsts will be hard, but you are surrounded by strong friends to help you. I'm glad to hear you're out with your boys tonight. x

TheOriginalFAB · 16/05/2011 16:16

I am so sorry Blondes.

I am living in the same county if you need a stranger to do anything for you.

GettinTrimmer · 16/05/2011 17:36

Have a good time tonight Blondes. Thanks also for the link.

smokinaces · 16/05/2011 19:26

Sad Blondes. Here if you need anything, am only 30 minutes drive away x

Xenia · 16/05/2011 19:28

I am sure money things are the last ones you want to talk about at the moment but on this:

"Xenia - we did have joint life insurance when we brought the house, but rarely pays out on suicide. mortgage can be transfered to my name and i can afford it, if i extend it - only had 6years left so will extend to 10/15years"

It often does pay out. Do make sure you get expert advice on it. We know people who have had it paid out on suicide. If the policy was taken out before the depression or illness was disagnoed and no lies on the application form it can be paid out on. Don't let them fob you off and if it is a very large sum it might be worth fighting it. Insurers very often reject good claims and only if you threaten to sue them etc do they cave in.

If it pays out you ciould pay off the mortgage which may be helpful. you might also check if he had any work life insurance which could pay o ut too. Not that any of that is any comfort at all of course.

Original poster
Blondeshavemorefun · 16/05/2011 20:50

thanks *fab

and smokin i may come and share your bed (and wine) soon lol

xenia my ifa is on the case but tbh im not holding out any hope

are you in money business?

OP posts:
PurpleHat · 16/05/2011 21:40

Xenia is a lawyer- and a superb one at that.

So sorry to hear your sad news.
We don't know eachother really but I have seen you on the nanny site and I could not believe it :(

Xenia · 16/05/2011 22:33

(oh dear, I'm sure not but it's kind of you to say. The IFA needs to read the terms of the policy which probably talks about pre-existing medical records and probably needs to be able to prove there was no pre-existing conditions not disclosed - eg if the husband had often tried to harm himself or perhaps even been depressed and seen the GP about it but didn 't mention it on the form and if the condition developed after the form was signed then I think you might well find a claim is possible. I am by no means an expert in that sort of thing but someone we knew (our nanny) her husband sadly committed suicide and 3 or 4 policies from years ago all paid out - we were very surprised at the time and I have heard of others too. Insurers fight like anything to resist most big claims . Sometimes you even have to almost take to court over it. Of course if there was a known condition ir the insurance only just taken out or I suppose if the policy expressly excludes suicide then I expect there is very little chance have a look at it and if necessary get the insurance company to hand over a photo copy of the insurance application form which was filled out at the time).

bruffin · 17/05/2011 07:14

I thought insurance company will pay on things like this after a certain date ie if it happens over a year after the policy was taken out.

Laquitar · 17/05/2011 18:00

Blondes i'm totally shocked. Sad Sad

Been here every day but i didnt know anything until i seen the blanket thread.

I am so sorry. Sending you a hug xx

Original poster
Blondeshavemorefun · 17/05/2011 19:29

thank you laquaitar - i miss him more then words can express :(

right ladies, today has been a right mixture of emotions, so please bear with me - may be a bit tmi for some and gonna be long, so you may need a chair and a cuppa glass of wine

started off with going to my app with fertility people at hospital im with, we had been trying for kids for a few years, and dh sperm was perfect :) so knew problem was me :( - been having various tests and all back clear, so seem to be one of those who should get pregnant but just cant

dh and i had spoke about ivf and was going to go private, at appointment today lady said we could start next month with nhs ivf Shock - new tax year and we were at top of list - obv i then told her what had happened and she was omg and did i want to stop at rest of tests

i said no, and she said tbh prob a good idea, as one day i may/will fall in love again and want a baby and least i will know for sure if then need to start ivf at once rather than wait, but if at ANY time i want to stop i can and as and when we can continue

next, seems dh life insurance has paid out Shock - yes my ifa says rare for suicide, but as he told them the policy was due to pay out on death and to be blunt dh is now dead and therefore he got them to pay out - so from friday I will not have a mortgage

I feel guilty at having no mortgage and no dh :( and would MUCH rather have my darling mark back in my life and a mortgage - but as my best friend said, mark would have wanted this and he would be happy and very at peace that im now financially secure and its his gift to me - so i need to get my head round that one

Thirdly had to give verbal evidence in person today ready for the inquest - which is now the 15 june - the lady was really nice but took a while and had to basically say the nitty gritty of what i saw/found/did which was hard and a few tears

i know she was doing her job and she was sorry there was a cock up as inquest was meant to have been yesterday but unfortunally the paperwork from policemen and gp wasnt it

she was AMAZED that i have the suicide note and not them/the police - she said in ten years she has NEVER known for the note to have been taken in evidence - i said there was no way anyone was having my note and was mine - said in it he was sorry/loved me etc and i couldnt risk it being taken by police and lost

so there we have it - thats my day - gonna go and see a friend and have a large glass of wine and a hug from her

OP posts:
vnmum · 17/05/2011 19:40

oh blondes, what a day for you. It must be a releif that you do not have any financial worries now with the house but fully understand that you would rather not be in this situation at all. I hope you can just take each day as it comes and not put too much pressure on yourself for how you think you should be coping. I am so glad you have supportive friends around you and i want to give you a hug myself ((hug)) (very un MN i know)

RatherBeOnThePiste · 17/05/2011 19:51

Oh B, what an emotional roller-coaster day you have had Wine

What a relief that the life insurance has paid out, ( as they bloody should ) and that you are financially secure, exactly what he would have wanted for you - to be safe. No guilt needed, but it goes without saying that you'd rather have the mortgage and Mark.

And great the evidence giving part is done now, although I am sure it was incredibly difficult relieving it all. Fingers crossed there is no need to postpone the inquest again, so that you can put that behind you.

Go and enjoy your wine xx

smokinaces · 17/05/2011 19:59

Oh Blondes. Sad Am relieved that you will have no money worries, but god, what a long and hard and stressful day. Such a hard day, glad you have someone to sit with tonight

xx

bellavita · 17/05/2011 20:00

Oh Blondes, what a day Sad I really feel for you, I do.

TheOriginalFAB · 17/05/2011 20:00

I wish I knew what to say Sad.

AitchTwoOh · 17/05/2011 20:07

oh sweetheart, it's so much to take in. Sad enjoy that glass of wine.

Buda · 17/05/2011 21:57

What a rollercoaster of a day.

Of course you would rather have Mark but I am glad you have your house sorted and I am sure Mark would be too.

It must have been SO hard to see the fertility nurse. I do agree that it is a good idea to have all the tests done now so that you know what is what.

onlyjoking9329 · 17/05/2011 23:19

What a roller coaster day you've had,but you've done loads. I'm glad the life insurance paid up, wont the insurance with the mortgage company pay the mortgage off, well they give you a cheque, cos we'd been paying extra we ended up getting enough to pay the mortgage off and an extra lump sum, they said they do it based on what you should of paid over the term so then give you the difference if that makes any sense.
I hope you are ok at your mates, it's good to be able to choose when you want to see people and when you really can't face anyone and want to be on your own.

Original poster
Blondeshavemorefun · 18/05/2011 07:34

smokin im always babysat blondesat at the moment at night - i cant spend a night alone - stupid really, so either friends stay here or i stay at theirs and their hubbies get excited at having me creep into their bed at 3/4/5am and can honestly say they have had 2 woman in their bed Wink

but i need to sort it out, i cant have people with me every night for the rest of my life so gonna sleep alone sat night - be 5 weeks since mark died, but im also working at a wedding so i shant be home till 1am so really only half a night, but i HAVE to do this

buda we have been having tests/appoints for a while so just thought i would carry on with it - wasnt expecting the free nhs ivf to start hence why we discussed private - bloody bad timing but im carrying on with all tests as want to know why i cant concieve, just seem to be the unlucky ones that cant - no reason as of yet ......

im still findingg it hard that i will be mortgage free from friday but i know mark would be happy that im secure and no financial worries and will prob rest even more so in peace now but it still doesnt bring him back :(

OP posts:
KnottyLocks · 18/05/2011 07:43

Popping in to give you a ))))))))big squeeze((((((( before I'm off to work. Smile

ilovesprouts · 18/05/2011 07:53

hugs b xx

Rindercella · 18/05/2011 08:04

Blondes, thinking of you lots. You're amazing. x

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