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Bereavement

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Original poster

my beloved hubby died 2 weeks ago today - suicide :(

721 replies

Blondeshavemorefun · 30/04/2011 14:03

tbh i dont know what to say - i never expected to post a thread in this section of mn :(

I didnt expect to be a widow at 37 :(

he was severely depressed, and although had some very good days, he also had very bad days and for whatever reason he felt he couldnt carry on and took his own life on Saturday 16th april :(

i know its early days, but i cry every day, silly things set me off, like yesterday changing the duvet cover - it was hubbys's job to do that and i had to do it for the first time

its got to get easier hasnt it? :(

OP posts:
weblette · 12/05/2011 14:00

Thinking of you :(

smokinaces · 12/05/2011 20:48

Only just seen this thread. You are a wonderful, inspirational woman Blondes and he adored you. His photos and his friends prove that - as one said today, his biggest catch was you.

You did him proud today, the service was beautiful. I only wish I could have stayed and got drunk with you. My house and bed are here for you if you ever need it xxx

Raising a glass to him tonight. xxxxxx

vnmum · 12/05/2011 22:35

Been thinking of you today blondes, Hope all went smoothly and you gave him the goodbye he deserved x

androbbob · 12/05/2011 22:42

Thinking of you today, Blondes x

RatherBeOnThePiste · 12/05/2011 22:44

The service today was beautiful Blondes. It was moving, uplifting and inspiring. You did him proud. You should be proud too.

And I know you know this, but your friends are lovely!

BranchingOut · 12/05/2011 22:57

I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your husband. I recognise you from other threads and just want to say how sorry I am.

ChippingIn · 13/05/2011 07:55

I wasn't online yesterday Blondes, but I was thinking of you, especially at 11.

From Smokin & Piste's posts it sounds like it was lovely and went well - which is what we all want from a funeral, even though we don't want it at all!!

Big hugs my lovely
x

Original poster
Blondeshavemorefun · 14/05/2011 10:35

thanks squiffy and others

i hope i gave him the send off hubby deserved and i hope he was proud of me for what i arranged

i wanted laughter and got it - the tributes were fantastic and i did stand up and say something and a small poem

They say memories are golden
well maybe that is true.
I never wanted memories,
I only wanted you.

A million times I needed you,
a million times I cried.
If love alone could have saved you
you never would have died.

In life I loved you dearly,
In death I love you still.
In my heart you hold a place
no one could ever fill.

If tears could build a stairway
and heartache make a lane,
I'd walk the path to heaven
and bring you back again.

though i didnt manage to say it without crying :(

piste and smokin thank you for coming and I hope that you enjoyed (if thats the right word) :) and yes my friends are lovely and its due to them im getting through this xx

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IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt · 14/05/2011 11:04

I only just saw your thread.

So sorry for what you have been through and so knocked over too by your strength and ability to be together at such an awful time. I lost my mother to suicide many years ago and there have been similar losses in my family so can relate to what you are going through.

It has taken a long time for me to process what happened as my mothers death was never really discussed for over 20 years. Thank goodness the world is different nowadays. And amazing that you have good RL friends and MN chat.

You are doing fabulously. Keep talking on here, I think it will be so helpful and it's really good to get everything you feel out IYSWIM.

IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt · 14/05/2011 11:06

And it's a beautiful poem. Has got me tearful but I'm a good way. Fantastic that you were able to read it.

ChippingIn · 14/05/2011 11:09

It's a lovely poem Blondes - and no suprise you didn't get through it without tears :(

Are you getting all the help you need with finances and stuff - will you be OK?

I can't believe you don't get a widows benefit simply because you aren't older :( You still have all the same worries & expenses and have gone from two incomes to one. It beggars belief. I hope there are other things that are going to help you financially.

IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt · 14/05/2011 11:10

Should say ' in a good way'

Original poster
Blondeshavemorefun · 14/05/2011 13:27

chippin i will be ok, i shall extend my mortgage , tho we only remortgaged last sept, so will have to buy myself out of the deal, but hey ho

we were in the pub for 12 hrs (had the hangover from hell friday, as did my boys) and there was a fight as well at the end of the night Hmm and the police got called, and i could think was the fact mark would be pissing his self with laughter at the thought of police being called out :)

OP posts:
vnmum · 14/05/2011 14:14

the poem is lovely blondes
On a practical note, i'm sure the CAB would be able to help you with the financial side of things if you don't have anyone to ask for advice

Original poster
Blondeshavemorefun · 14/05/2011 14:42

daddy blondes is very clued up on stuff and been sorting out a lot for me, bless him

things like i need to tell land registry that property is now only owned by me/in it - bank was insisting they do and my dad is an ex bank manager and very with it - and kept telling the man at natwest that we have to do it and he cant - and yes my dad is right

did a lot of financial stuff yesterday,as in changing deeds on mortgage/closing down hubbys business account and personal isa and then funds will be transfered to me eventually (have frozen the accounts now)/cancelling his mobile phone/ changing council tax to single person - that bit made me cry :(

and the most simplest, though hardest was taking his name off our joint account

one thing i didnt know is that if an account is in hubbys name and not joint, then although they freeze the account as soon as you tell them, and i cant with drawl ANY money out of it and they freeze all direct debits etc - you can claim for funeral expenses out of it BUT only if you give the bank the funeral bill

i had actually paid for it on my credit card the week before, and they cant issue a cheq to my credit card company :(

so doesnt actually help me, but eventually the cash will come to me, and then to my credit card lol

so basically what i am saying, if god forbid your hubby dies and he has money in a single account, althought the bank will freeze the account - you can pay for the funeral from it before all goes to probate ( as we didnt have a will)

OP posts:
RatherBeOnThePiste · 14/05/2011 14:54

Blondes - I am so glad that you have your dad helping you, it all sounds so complex and confusing, I think I would be completely lost. It must be so reassuring to have your dad guiding you through it all.

That poem was beautiful B, as was the Art Garfunkel song. And I had completely forgotten how much I love Vienna. I absolutely love it, but do I remember right that you said it was the only song Mark would dance to?

Original poster
Blondeshavemorefun · 14/05/2011 15:07

all the financial stuff is a nightmare :( and thought anyone can do it their selves, its the case of knowing how and where to find the paperwork Hmm

luckily my dad retired a while back and apart from being an ebay seller Grin he likes to 'delve' for stuff and gave him something to do Wink

most people would pay a soliciter to do it,costing £1k upwards

and yes vienna was the only song he would happily dance to, would always request it at weddings - he requested it at our reception

he would dance to other songs but be the case i would drag him up there lol

where as vienna he would ask for it and then say come on - thing is it really isnt a dancing song - starts off being slow and then jazz's up

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 14/05/2011 15:18

Blondes I am so glad you have your Dad helping you and that he's so clued up. It's a bloody nightmare all the paperwork & then there's the emotional side of it as well - the things that just floor you (like taking his name off of the joint account or changing the council tax to being 'single person only') - there is so much of it and it hurts! Some people are so insensitve as well - that is really hard to deal with. One woman told me to ring back in a couple of days when I wasn't so emotional ??? Yeah because in two days time I'm going to be just fine aren't I Hmm stupid cow. (She wasn't being nice either, she was implying my tears were a damn inconveniece and couldn't I just stfu).

Why don't you ring the CC company and see if they will reverse the transaction for you? If you give them the funeral places name & number they can ring them to confirm that's OK (ring the funeral place first). It could take a long time for them to sort out Marks estate as he didn't have a will. This way at least you wont have to pay the interest on it for months... worth a shot?!

Also, once you have explained the situation to the bank they may not make you 'buy out of' the mortgage - they may just swap it over for you (if they have any level of compassion). I guess you have spoken to your Dad and he doesn't think you'll have any problem with getting the finance on your own? If he does you may be better off going 'interest only' for a little while or just staying as you are (if you can afford to) to 'prove' to them that you can manage it on your own.

Anyway, I'm sure you have your Dad giving you all the advice you need :)

I hope it all gets sorted out swiftly for you.
x

RatherBeOnThePiste · 14/05/2011 15:28

Well, I was full of respect for anyone who can actually dance to Vienna! (Did you ever watch Ashes to Ashes with lovely Gene Hunt in? Only there's a gorgeous Vienna moment in that Blush)

Chippin - you are right about insensitivity, people don't seem to have any empathy/compassion anymore, but I don't see why business has to be like that. We are all people ffs.

I bet your dad is really pleased at this time to be able to help his little girl through this..

GettinTrimmer · 14/05/2011 17:05

blondes, glad your dad is one of those clued up people with paperwork. Solicitors charge the earth.

That poem is lovely

I remember Vienna. My ex used to make up his own words to it "ohhh...Portsmouth.." It was a long time ago!

bellavita · 14/05/2011 22:11

Yay for Daddy Blondes Smile

The funeral sounded lovely, you will have done him proud.

Original poster
Blondeshavemorefun · 15/05/2011 18:27

thanks bellavita

off to job centre tomorrow with my interim death certifcate and then hopefully will get my £2k via cheq or online

OP posts:
Xenia · 15/05/2011 18:57

Poor you.

It sounds very useful having your father there. I spent 100 hours on my father's estate. It is not a short task and very helpful if you have someone to do it for you.

In terms of putting the house in your name if you have a mortgage they presumably want to know your income is high enough to support that mortgage before they proceed with that.

Check out life policies although if he didn't even manage to make a will he might well not have bothered with life insurance either. Sometimes they pay out on sucide if entered into long enough ago and at that point he had no mental illness.

Original poster
Blondeshavemorefun · 15/05/2011 19:01

Xenia - we did have joint life insurance when we brought the house, but rarely pays out on suicide

mortgage can be transfered to my name and i can afford it, if i extend it - only had 6years left so will extend to 10/15years

OP posts:
Original poster
Blondeshavemorefun · 15/05/2011 19:25

i have this on facebook and my friend says i should have on here as well, but please dont feel you need to donate xx

www.justgiving.com/claire-page73

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