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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

my beloved hubby died 2 weeks ago today - suicide :(

721 replies

Blondeshavemorefun · 30/04/2011 14:03

tbh i dont know what to say - i never expected to post a thread in this section of mn :(

I didnt expect to be a widow at 37 :(

he was severely depressed, and although had some very good days, he also had very bad days and for whatever reason he felt he couldnt carry on and took his own life on Saturday 16th april :(

i know its early days, but i cry every day, silly things set me off, like yesterday changing the duvet cover - it was hubbys's job to do that and i had to do it for the first time

its got to get easier hasnt it? :(

OP posts:
Jezabelle · 05/05/2011 19:57

Could you get a friend to write to fb explaining your situation and saying fb is a big support for you? Maybe they'll drop ban??

GettinTrimmer · 05/05/2011 20:38

The facebook pics were no worse than my Bravissimo catalogue, what on earth??

Blondes, agree with pisty, small steps and take all the support from your fab mates xx

RatherBeOnThePiste · 05/05/2011 22:38

Her ban was short lived. She's back on Facebook Grin

AlfalfaMum · 05/05/2011 23:34

I'm so sorry Blondes.
It's such a hard way to lose a friend, but your soul-mate? You poor darling xx
(I used to be Sazisi)

I'm glad you have such good friends.

Original poster
Blondeshavemorefun · 07/05/2011 09:53

yes the friends are getting me through - had a meet up last night at a pub and saw some old friends

good to see the old gang again - one i hadnt seen for maybe 12years

all the men feel bad that it took mark to die to meet up again

but i said least something good has got to come out of mark dying :(

to be better friends and be there for each other - as everyone is there for me

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 07/05/2011 13:13

It's lovely you have so many friends and some very close, supportive ones too. Hopefully some of the 'old gang' will be there for you a bit more now.

I think you have been running on shock my lovely. You have been very calm and reasonable about it all so far... there are a lot of other emotions still to come and it will be beyond hard, but you will get through it and eventually you will get to a point where you have learnt to live along side it. I know you will x

alibubbles · 07/05/2011 14:13

Blondes, I am so sorry to only just see this, I recognise you from the nanny / childminder threads.

One of my families lost their husband/father aged 37 to sudden death a couple of months ago, I know how hard it is for her and all the things that keep cropping up on a daily basis that she has to deal with.

You local bereavement network will be invaluable, our is, not sure exactly where you are in Kent, but hopefully someone who knows you can help with the details.

Although I don't know you personally or your DH, you are in my thoughts as is my friends husband, as I cannot begin to imagine how you get through this. Sad

Original poster
Blondeshavemorefun · 07/05/2011 16:58

thank you ali

today it is 3 weeks and had a wobble at 11 (the time i found him)

i dont know how to describe how i feel - its not anger, its like sadness, and the fact my heart is literally hurting/aching - yes i am strong and helps having good friends around - which im very appreciative of - and sure the oldies will be there for me, but i do have a lot of friends (family we chose for ourselves around me)

but i also reliese that although i have lost a husband, other people have lost a friend and they are grieving as well - i do have moments (wobbles) - i had one earlier - was driving and started crying - and had to pull the car over as couldnt see for crying - it hurts and i miss mark so much and no one can make it better for me :(

OP posts:
TheOriginalFAB · 07/05/2011 17:07

If wanting to worked then millions of us would Sad.

ChippingIn · 08/05/2011 07:51

FAB - absolutely.

Blondes - I honestly can't imagine what you are going through. Sudden death is hard enough to cope with, let alone this. I do know how the heart hurting/aching feels - until you have had it happen to you, don't realise how physical the pain is.

I wish there was something I could say that would take the pain away - but I know there isn't :(

Do you want to talk about Mark? Do you want to talk about finding him/what he did? You know you can say whatever you want or need to here. You can PM me if you want to talk to a slightly familar stranger - it's sometimes easier than friends face to face.

x

Original poster
Blondeshavemorefun · 09/05/2011 09:58

had a stinking hangover yesterday - got very drunk sat night with friends, had a good howl (which made my friend pete very happy) to see me grieve iyswim

and then felt like total shit yesterday and threw up - not the actions of a mature 37yr!!

havnt been sleeping at all well, so took a sleeper last night and slept 11/6 so had 7hrs and body needed it

OP posts:
Buda · 09/05/2011 10:15

A good cry is very healing Blondes. Sorry you felt like shit afterwards. Hangovers are horrible!

Glad you got some much needed sleep.

TheOriginalFAB · 09/05/2011 11:42

Hope you have an okay day, Blondes.

AitchTwoOh · 09/05/2011 18:42

oh blondes, it must be so tough... i feel for you. re the hangover, throwing up is the adult approach, i find. feeling sick is stupid, being sick is cleansing and cathartic...

Original poster
Blondeshavemorefun · 10/05/2011 06:30

pmsl aitch - how to make me feel better

yesterday was another hassle day, in sorting out more 'paperwork' and loose ends

we were meant to be going on holiday in 2 weeks time, so i have cancelled it, luckily we had holiday insurance but there are tons of forms to fill in to be able to claim back the holiday minus their excess Hmm

basically thanks to my friend (who is like a dog with a bone) im getting back 90% of what we have paid - they are total bastards Angry and tbh very uncaring - im not cancelling for the hell of it,im cancelling because the person im going with and who is my beloved hubby is dead :(

one form my gp needs to sign, and once goes in their system, the surgery charges me for the thrill of him signing it Hmm

and again till i actually get a death certificate, i cant do anything :( and until inquest on mon 16th, im in limbo with everything financial

and we need to have an inquest as he died in suspicious circumstances

i have to give evidence as i found him

i have been summoned

if i dont give evidence/turn up i will be in contempt of court Hmm

just to add extra sh!t on me :(

till the inquest is over i dont have a death certificate - which means i cant do any financial stuff - probate is a fucking nightmare tbh

as soon as i tell the bank that mark is dead,they freeze our joint account/assessts till they get a death certificate and probate is sorted - how the fuck does that help me - means i cant pay my mortgage/bills etc

so i havent told the banks or anyone that hubby is dead, and i wont till a week on monday

sorry for woffle

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 10/05/2011 06:56

Blondes

I'm really sorry that you have to go to court - I honestly can't even begin to imagine how awful that prospect is :( As though it's not all bad enough.

Fucking useless holiday company - please name and shame, they don't deserve anyones business.

We had endless problems with the DC - it was a nightmare and that's without having to wait for an inquest.

There is so much paperwork isn't there - even when things should be 'straight forward'. It's incredible too how unsympathetic people can be and how demanding. I had to write countless covering letters to send/fax with the DC - in the end I had a standard one that I just tweaked. One woman said to me that I should call back when I was feeling less emotional - yes because waiting a day or two is really going to make a huge difference to how I feel Hmm (and if it hadn't been sorted in a day or two would have had dire consequences). We had similar problems as Rinders too with the same company ringing again and again - I wasn't as polite or patient as her though and ended up telling one of them that if they didn't stop fucking ringing me I would be taking legal action & if I had to tell them once more x had died they would be fucking sorry! (it was catharic & they stopped calling!). Clearly I still have a lot of anger/frustration about the whole thing...

It's not 'waffle' - we can't do much for you my lovely, but we are here for you in any way we can be.

x

bellavita · 10/05/2011 08:15

Thinking of you Blondes xx

TheOriginalFAB · 10/05/2011 08:20

Blondes - I live in the same county as you so if you need physical help, let me know.

RatherBeOnThePiste · 10/05/2011 16:25

Oh B, I am so sorry you are now having to put up with crap. It seems when people are at their lowest point after a bereavement, the business world (including wanker bankers/holiday companies etc ) fails to show any sympathy, empathy or compassion. Where is the human touch? It also seems to lose any sensibilities too, like you say about them freezing your finances - how impractical is that? You are clearly getting good advice, and I am so glad for that.

And absolute shame on your GP charging for a letter like this, that is inexcusable. I have two mates, including DS?s Godmother who are GPs and I am going to be asking them about this...... There may be trouble ahead.

I am also sorry that you have to go through the rigmarole of the inquest, although I had to go to one once, and everyone was terribly kind, I am sure they will be to you too.

It?s not waffle lovely Blondes, never worry about posting x

cheesesarnie · 10/05/2011 16:32

blondes-im so sorry to hear this!i know were names on the screen but if theres anything we can do we will try.

RockStockandTwoOpenBottles · 10/05/2011 22:25

I've only just seen this, just wanted to say how sorry I am for you. I hope that Thursday is as good a day as can be for you. xx

Original poster
Blondeshavemorefun · 10/05/2011 23:48

thanks fab, i have fab friends round me so sure i will be ok

piste to be fair, gp was a very sorry he needed to charge, but once in the system ......

thomas cook say as less then a month before we go,it goes through my holiday insurance, which is virgin rather then claim through them - im assuming that once i have sent in forms (after monday with death certificate) that i will get the money back - or most of it

there is a bereavement fund which apparently i am entitled to,which is £2k,which help goes towards funeral costs or guess whatever i want to spend it on - my wonderful ifa has filled in forms for me and sent them off and says a cheq should be coming to me soon .........

apparently anyone who is a widow, so has to be married and has paid ni is entitled to this money

i am not entitled to a widows pension, hubby needed to be 46/47 for me to be entitled to this - not sure why 47 and not 37, im still a widow, but hey ho

OP posts:
MrsDmamee · 11/05/2011 04:40

Blondes I dont know what to say other than I'm so sorry for your loss.
Hope you have plenty of friends and family around you in RL but dont forget to come in here too for plenty of support too or even to just write down your feelings, Sending you hugs

FamilyCircus · 11/05/2011 05:48

Blondes I am so sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you x

ettiketti · 11/05/2011 06:02

BLondes, just seen this and I am so so sorry for your loss. I lost my best friend to suicide many year ago and cannt imagine the pain of losing a spouse to it.

Like some of the others I have been close, very close at times, and couldnt tell you what stopped me except maybe my children as love my husband as much as I do, I know he would be ok one day....thats how selfish it made me feel , not proud.

Your support sounds amazing and I am so glad you are making full use. Sending you lots of strength and love, especially for Thursday. Keep posting.xxxxx