Cheese - xxooxx
What my Dad was saying is that 'Life isn't fair', that being a 'good' person doesn't mean shit wont happen... that we don't always get what we deserve (at the time my Grandad always being there, for you to have Scarlett with you now). That it's not about doing all the right things and thus your life being as it should.
IF only - my love, who knows? We all have our If only's - I think the best way to describe what happens is that they are still there - you just bring them out to look at them less and less...
I'm sorry, in all of this I'd forgotten how poorly DH is - it's crap isn't it.
As for his Brother - words fail me really. I can't understand any of what he has (or rather hasn't) done. The fact that he hasn't responded to DH's email just speaks volumes.
Facebook (work of the devil on a good day that thing!) you post what you like to your DH, it's none of her business and if the shoe fits, BIL should bloody well wear it. She's getting shirty at quite the wrong person - there is no excuse for BIL's complete lack of support. Both of them need telling and I'm volunterring if you are looking for someone to do it for you.
As for DS having turned 4 on Wednesday - where does the time go? 4?? He seems to be thinking about it a lot - I think it's good to talk to him about what he thinks/feels as much as you can bear to, make sure he's not harbouring any strange 4 year old ideas (like DH taking him to heaven if he's naughty).
The ache - the feeling that you just want them back, that you want to wake up from this nightmare and it be just that, a nightmare... we all know how you feel.
Having another baby - who knows. You are still quite young so I don't think your age will be a problem. I guess it depends why you MC in the past. You carried Scarlett to term - there's no reason to think you couldn't do it again.
Do you know if they have the results back for Scarlett yet? I think it will help you to put your mind at rest about being able to carry another baby once you have seen those.
I wish you had held her too, but at the time it wasn't right for you, but as MotherOfMadHouse said - you did hold her, you held her inside of you for months, holding her, loving her. Try to remember the good bits as well :)
Keep trying to eat a bit and drinking (non alcoholic).
It's hard to believe it right now, but in time the constant processing of it all does ease, it very very gradually gets replaced by other thoughts and although you miss them as much and the grief is still there it stops being all consuming - even though in another way you don't want it to.
The price we pay for love, is grief x