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Bereavement

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37 weeks pregnant and found out yesterday that our baby has died

886 replies

CheeseandGherkins · 03/12/2010 12:17

I'm still totally in shock, as is DH, our little girl has died. I hadn't felt movements since late on Wednesday and when I went in on Thursday they couldn't find a heartbeat with doppler. Sent straight for a scan and there was no heartbeat.

I already have 3 dcs who are so upset but it was DH's first baby.

I have to go in today, in a few hours, for a tablet to start things off but I can come home after an hour apparently and then go back 24 hours or so later (if nothing happens) to start inducement properly.

Does anyone have any experience of this? I'm scared of being induced, which sounds stupid under the circumstances but there it is. How long will it take? First 3 labours were fast, 3 and a half, 3 hours and just over an hour.

I still keep expecting to feel her move but of course she won't. Feels so surreal and that it can't be happening but it is. I was due on Dec 23rd.

I don't know what to do.

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missjulie · 11/01/2011 13:03

I have only just seen your post, haven't been on MN in a while.
I am so very sorry for your loss. I have no experience in this type of thing, but just wanted you to know that i am thinking of you.
Take care, xxx

BellaMagnificat · 11/01/2011 19:42

Dear Cheese

Here's a link ( I hope it works) to the list of blogs I mentioned earlier, written by women who are suffering the heart-shattering grief of the loss of a baby whether through still birth, neonatal loss or miscarriage.

www.stirrup-queens.com/a-whole-lot-of-blogging-brought-to-you-sorted-and-filed/loss-room/

My love to you.

Bella
x

Whatevertheweather · 11/01/2011 20:48

Cheese - I have just seen this thread and I can't add any more than has already been said by all of these lovely ladies have said but couldn't not post and just say i am thinking of you and the beautiful Scarlett.

Keep posting here - you can always rage at us.

You are an incredibly strong and brave lady xxx

CheeseandGherkins · 12/01/2011 02:20

Even after the mail that dh sent his brother, there's been no phone call...nothing...I guess you live and learn eh. I'm sure he feels like he's done nothing wrong, how; I don't know, but I can't imagine why else he wouldn't get in touch.

barley I don't know if I ever can, let alone dh, his brother so it's his call on seeing him or not but I can't.

InnocentRedHead I didn't realise how many others had been through the same thing until now, my heart aches for them and their losses too. It's just awful. So sorry for your loss too, the pain is just too much at times. I've been trying to keep it together more, still not sleeping well but I guess trying to stay positive, works at times heh. Thank you, the advice is all welcomed and the field idea is very good.

gloves thank you, appreciated. I understood what you meant totally :)

Chipping sometimes I still can't believe it's even happened, it's like a part of me thinks I'll wake up soon or something and it'll all just be a nightmare but I know that it isn't. Your dad was right. I feel like I must have done something wrong somewhere though as, honestly, I've had a fairly bad life really, overall. I think I deserve some luck in there somewhere. I'm trying with eating but even though I can feel hungry I really just don't want to eat, had a few peanuts tonight and a slice of bread with dairylea on earlier, oh and a pack of crisps. I don't know why but it doesn't feel right to eat, I really can't say why though and so I struggle with it.

The thought crossed my mind tonight that maybe I wouldn't even be able to have another baby, i've had 6 miscarriages and have pcos, 33 at the end of the year too.

Agree re bil, I can't think of anything less he could have done tbh, it's surprised me as I thought he would have been better, especially as he's older than dh.

The kids are doing really well, they do come out with comments now and again though. My youngest said the other day that he's sad the baby died and he asked to see the photo of dh carrying the baby to heaven :( Today it was his birthday, cannot believe he's 4 already, and we took him to a build a bear shop (he loved it :) ) and dh said it was dead outside, meaning really quiet and ds2 said about the baby dying again :(

DH hasn't been working recently as he's not well enough to, he has lupus and had blood clots in his leg and a pulmonary embolism, plus other problems which has made it impossible. He can barely move some days because of the pain and can't walk properly because of scar tissue now in his leg. He was applying for a PGCE for next year (hoping that he'd be able to by then) but missed the deadline as we had all this happen around the deadline. Not sure what we'll do now at all. Might be worth sending the application anyway but I don't know.

Thanks missjulie

Bella thank you I'll have a look at that link

Whatevertheweather thank you

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CheeseandGherkins · 12/01/2011 03:54

I can't stop blaming myself, what if i'd have gone into the hospital the day before, they'd have put me on a monitor and maybe found some differences in her heart rate and got her out. I thought it would be ok though, so ironic that I'd gone in to be admitted for unstable lie but was due in the day before. Car broke down on the way so we had to get taken home. She was born breech as well, they tried to turn her before but it didn't work; and was bloody painful.

Sigh :(

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Rockmaiden · 12/01/2011 04:02

I am so sorry to read this thread.

I can't begin to imagine how you must be feeling but please don't blame yourself.

There is no way of knowing what would have happened if you had gone to the hospital the day before and thinking that you could of prevented it is not only un-true but will do you no good.

Sadly bad things happen to good people and no-one can do anything to change that.

Mourn your baby girl knowing that you love her and did everything you could for her.

Sorry for your loss and RIP little one.

CheeseandGherkins · 12/01/2011 04:16

They said to me that it wasn't related and that it wouldn't have been different, nothing they could have done as, as far as we know, it was a cord accident. She had the cord wrapped tight around her neck 3 times :( But we had a post mortem as there may have been another problem too , they said her stomach was enlarged when she was born and there were bowl problems at the 20 week scan. Still waiting for the consultant appointment to discuss results.

Sometimes I'm so up and down, I just want to scream and cry and have her back, god it isn't fair. I want to hold her. I couldn't when she was born though, I couldn't, but I want to now.

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InnocentRedhead · 12/01/2011 05:03

I just wanted to let you know YOU ARE NOT ALONE. There is always the support here and you will always have your peaceful little angel watching over you.

Do not blame yourself, easier said than done, you did what you could. You brought your gorgeous little girl into the world and she will always be so perfect to you and everyone around. Seen the picture and she is beautiful!

Please find solace in these messages and allow every help you need. Do not allow anyone to distact your grief. Accept the help and advice when you are good and ready.

Wishing you and your family peace, strength and health xx

InnocentRedhead · 12/01/2011 05:09

distact = detract

CheeseandGherkins · 12/01/2011 05:17

Thank you, I keep saying that but I mean it so much, the messages mean a lot to me. Just why, in my head so much. Why, and how. Have such clear memories of those days and everything. After a few midwives trying to find her heartbeat and then them walking us up for an instant scan, I knew, I guess I knew really anyway as I told them I hadn't felt movement since the day before but they didn't rush about it at first. Ironic that they did after they couldn't find anything. I can't fault any of the midwives or drs at all though they were wonderful. Keep reliving those days over and over, everything.

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InnocentRedhead · 12/01/2011 05:34

I will not lie to you, in the future you will still have ays where you relive the days over and over again. I am still reliving my time in the hospital two and half years later. BUT these get fewer and far between.

Never be ashamed of your grief, now or in 30 years time, be proud you had her, and hold your head high when you speak of her. People can say what they want, there will be tw*ts that say 'oh at least you didn't have her and know her before she passed over'! Let this go over you please it is so damaging.

You will not listen to me now but it does get easier, i know now you are despairing, and cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel and you will always have the days like this in the future but they will be fewer and far between. I am not trying to patronise you as i never believed it myself either.

At least the hospital did their best and cared well. I found this when i had Zac, they let me have my own room with him while he was poorly and let me stay with him for the next day, night and day.

We are here, and i know we keep saying this, but it is true.

Wishing you and your family love and offering my prayers xx

CheeseandGherkins · 12/01/2011 05:46

You are such a wonderful woman, I'm so sorry you went through such pain. Thank you for helping me through mine.

I'm crying for you and crying for me now, I wish it wasn't so.

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InnocentRedhead · 12/01/2011 06:04

Thank you. x It isn't in good circumstance that everyone in this chat topic have had to meet in this way, you are right, it should be so different. It is the experience that helps us battle through the hard (understatement of the century) times.

I am sat at my desk in work shaking and tears falling down my face, it shouldn't be so.

Please just remember as i said earlier that if you want anything do not hesitate to contact me over PM, and i am sure that goes for everyone in here.

I really wish i could hug you right now, they do help, a lot

We are with you every step of the way xxx

missjulie · 12/01/2011 13:18

You are so so strong, and so brave!
When i read your thread for the first time yesterday, and looked at the photo of your darling little angel i cried and cried. My DH & I couldn't believe it.
I have been thinking of you a lot over the last day, and just popped on to see how you are.
Our thoughts are with you.
xxx

CheeseandGherkins · 13/01/2011 01:09

Innocent that's so true, it's awful thinking of other people feeling this too, it just isn't right. Hope you're OK now. Thank you for the offer, I will take you up on that :)

missjulie thank you both for thinking of us.

So angry tonight, I posted a message on dh's facebook basically saying I'm there for him and always will be, also that blood isn't thicker than water. Insinuation there I guess but hey. So then his mum sends him a message saying that it looks like a dig at his brother! Oh my, yes it was but why does that even matter?

I told her that his brother hasn't contacted or visited at all and she had the cheek to say well he sent a text at christmas...One text, well thanks for putting yourself out...

She seems more bothered about his stupid brother than him. I'm really upset and so annoyed at it. She told me I shouldn't have written it on his facebook but should have emailed his brother privately. It wasn't even all about his brother I wanted to post something to my dh but still; god forbid anyone think his brother was a twat...I know all this doesn't even matter after what's happened but at least it gives me something else to think about rather than being upset etc.

How can you defend someone for not even having the decency to pick up the bloody phone once in 5 weeks?! I cannot believe it, I really can't. It isn't her fault at all but I see no reason why she's responded like this to something that I posted on my husband's page. Sigh

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InnocentRedhead · 13/01/2011 01:56

Anytime :) I tend to frequent MN most days so you will get a quick reply.

WRT BIL, leave the ball in his court. As long as he knows your feelings just leave him to it. In situations when people look back on something and wish they had done something else they can bury their head in the sand until it 'blows over'. I fear this could be the case. And a lot of people do this unintentionally (and intentionally) and think it will turn out okay in the end. I do this with my bank Blush Like i said just leave him to it.

Yet again, thoughts and prayers your way always xx

CheeseandGherkins · 13/01/2011 05:28

Don't know if I'm coming or going at the moment. I just don't what to do with everything. I keep reliving things, I just don't know. Maybe it was my fault, maybe because I didn't go in in timel what if I did? Maybe it would have been ok, maybe she would have been alive...god i ache for her so much, this wasn't the way it was supposed tp be. I thought by that late things would be ok and i could look forward to a baby but no.....

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CheeseandGherkins · 13/01/2011 05:35

I wish I'd held her, I just couldn't at the time though but I wish I had now.

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imustbemadasaboxoffrogs · 13/01/2011 05:51

Cheese my heart goes out to you.

None of this was your fault none of it.

Please do not for one second blame yourself.

CheeseandGherkins · 13/01/2011 05:56

What if it was though? If i'd gone in maybe they#d have found something on the monitor, I can't stand this feeling, I really can't.

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InnocentRedhead · 13/01/2011 06:02

These maybes will destroy you, i found this out the hard way. Please do not blame yourself it so damaging, but it is natural to do this. These thoughts will go too. You weren't to know anything was going to happen.

I really don't know what else i can say. I'm here.

Thoughts wishes prayers and hugs your way darling xx

CheeseandGherkins · 13/01/2011 06:10

I just can't help thinking it. Honestly, i've struggled with self harm before and that's all I can think now. That's how I deal with pain

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barleywood · 13/01/2011 06:12

Cheese, please don't do the 'what if's'. None of this is your fault. You didn't do anything wrong.

You have a beautiful picture of your daughter and you will hold her in your heart forever.

I know you are angry with your BIL and MIL but being angry with them won't bring Scarlett back. Leave them to it and take care of yourself and the people you love and let them take care of you.

InnocentRedhead · 13/01/2011 06:14

Please speak to somebody in RL. Do you live ANYWHERE near me, HD5? Yorkshire, Lancs, anywhere in england?

Please, you cannot descend back into SH, have you spoke to someone about this?

CheeseandGherkins · 13/01/2011 06:39

Cambs and I'm trying. No I haven't really.

Trying, I don't want it to be about me, if yuo see want I mean. Sometimes I feel that way, not in a while though.

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