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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

37 weeks pregnant and found out yesterday that our baby has died

886 replies

CheeseandGherkins · 03/12/2010 12:17

I'm still totally in shock, as is DH, our little girl has died. I hadn't felt movements since late on Wednesday and when I went in on Thursday they couldn't find a heartbeat with doppler. Sent straight for a scan and there was no heartbeat.

I already have 3 dcs who are so upset but it was DH's first baby.

I have to go in today, in a few hours, for a tablet to start things off but I can come home after an hour apparently and then go back 24 hours or so later (if nothing happens) to start inducement properly.

Does anyone have any experience of this? I'm scared of being induced, which sounds stupid under the circumstances but there it is. How long will it take? First 3 labours were fast, 3 and a half, 3 hours and just over an hour.

I still keep expecting to feel her move but of course she won't. Feels so surreal and that it can't be happening but it is. I was due on Dec 23rd.

I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
CheeseandGherkins · 10/01/2011 06:33

thanks everyone so much, later/early now

bella I'll have a look for that. Not eaten much today, I'm small really nowm lost weight when pregnant again too but now i'm less than then; can't help thatr really

imustbemad that's a lovely thing to do, thank you :)

chippin 0 dh is goign to contact him today he said but i dont know exactly what for. He, and i, feel the same though, too little and not even too late just not at all¬ !

cast should be soon i hope, has ds2 cast in the same place a few weeks before and need to pick that up now irocinally...

all night it's been why, cannot sleep...

OP posts:
Confuzzeled · 10/01/2011 06:59

Hello Cheese,

I have been thinking of you and your family for weeks now. I spotted this thread shortly after you posted it but it took a few days before I posted to say I was thinking of you. Since then I have come on to see how you are, I just can't stop thinking about your darling baby and how unfair the world can be sometimes. My dh has also been asking how you are as I told him about the thread, we both send you our love and want you to know your family and little angel are in our thoughts.

My dh's sister was born sleeping 39 years ago, she has never been forgotten.

x

woolymindy · 10/01/2011 07:28

Cheese, I wanted to let you know that I have been thinking of you and praying for you all since your first post. I have made a donation to SANDS as I feel it is all I can do that has any meaning. Mostly I wanted to wish you all well and send love from my family to yours.

Lulumaam · 10/01/2011 07:33

morning cheese. please don;t think you hurt your darling baby girl.. you needed that time to get your head round things, and she would not have been in any pain at all.

BIL may have found it too hard to be there, but there are some things you have to man up for and get on with for the sake of other, and this was one of them, I am sure you and DH would rather that the funeral had not had to happen

THe fact he's not been in touch is either through shame or because h ecan't be bothered

either way, he's let you both down

Original poster
CheeseandGherkins · 10/01/2011 21:12

Confuzzeled thank you and your dh, it's something that helps to know; that people are thinking of us.

wooly thank you, lovely thing to make a donation to SANDS.

Lulu we feel the same, dh emailed him today but I don't know if he's had a reply. He basically told him how hurt and upset we both have been and how he hasn't even tried to call or see us etc.

Going to post a link soon for photos if people want to look, see is beautiful :)

OP posts:
Original poster
CheeseandGherkins · 10/01/2011 21:39

www.mixeh.com/images/scarlett.jpg here's a link to a photo of Scarlett

OP posts:
watfordmummy · 10/01/2011 21:48

Cheese, haven't posted on your post before, but read your news when it happened. What a lovely photo of her, you must really cherish that, my heart and prayers go out to you. xxx

OracleInaCoracle · 10/01/2011 21:50

cheese, she is beautiful xxx

wonka · 10/01/2011 21:53

Perfect little sleeping angel.
Hope you and your DH find some peace and healing.
Thinking of you!

Pinner35 · 10/01/2011 21:54

Cheese, I haven't posted again, but I've not stopped thinking about you. Scarlett is beautiful. xxxxxxx

Balletrose · 10/01/2011 21:57

Cheese, I have read your posts and have thought of you often but haven't liked to intrude before. I hope I'm not now. I just wanted to say how sad I am this has happened to you. My heart aches for you. Have just seen your picture of little Scarlett. She is so beautiful, an absolute darling angel. She will always be with you, and you with her. Thoughts, hugs and peace to you xxx

knottyhair · 10/01/2011 22:27

Cheese, another who has been reading your posts but I haven't posted before. Scarlett is so beautiful, what a gorgeous girl. Just wanted to say how sorry I am xx

almondfinger · 10/01/2011 22:28

Cheese, I just found this post and have read it through. There are no words I can offer to help. My heart is with you and your family, and your beautiful little Scarlett in heaven.

Take care of yourself at this horrible time.

I'll keep you and yours in my prayers.

Heathcliffscathy · 10/01/2011 22:49

I know I'm late, but wanted to say how very sorry I am.

I wish you the feeling that you have permission to feel whatever you feel. WHATEVER.

In the face of this there is no 'appropriate' emotion. it just is what it is. I hope that you allow yourself to feel how you feel.

Again I am so sorry...I wish you comfort and in time, hope.

MyLittleOwls · 10/01/2011 23:13

Cheese, thinking of you and your beautiful daughter x

PandaEis · 11/01/2011 00:49

i have only just seen thisSad

i have seen you around C&G and i wanted to say i am so very sorry for your lossSad

nothing i or anyone can say can make this better, i know but i hope having this support here and your family around you rings you some comfort in this darkest of timesSad

your daughter is beautiful and you have chosen a lovely name for her xx

InnocentRedhead · 11/01/2011 01:28

Beautiful sleeping angel.

I am sending you my love, thoughts and strength. Have thought lots about you and i have just made a donation to SANDS. Feel like it's the least i can do

Wishing you health, peace, love and strength x

ChippingIn · 11/01/2011 02:06

Cheese - don't feel bad for being scared and wanting to keep her inside you - she's your baby and you wanted to hold on her and you were scared - all very normal x She looks so lovely, beautiful little lips x

I'm still shaking my head at DH's brother and muttering names I wont type on Scarlett's thread. There isn't anything he could say that would allow me to forgive him, there really isn't.

I found that grief and alcohol were a bad mixture - the idea of blotting it out a bit was nice, the feeling the afterwards wasn't - especially as I wasn't eating. It also made me more emotional even though I hadn't thought that possible.

I hope both the casts are lovely when you pick them up - they're sure to be.

I don't know what to say about you not eating, my instinct is to say you need to eat, you need to look after yourself for your sake, DH's and the kids - but I'm the same as you when I'm grieving, I just cannot eat - sadly I don't lose weight though, it just hangs around stil! If I could I'd send you a few stone pounds to pad you out a bit, I've a few spare Wink Would it help if I told you that the grief will still be there if you eat, that it doesn't mean you are 'getting over it' and it doesn't mean you have stopped being floored by it. It will let you handle your grief and it will stop you feeling quite so sick if you can manage something to eat, even if it's only little bits.

It isn't fair, it is shit & she should be here with you - you can type it again and again and again - because those are the facts and it's how you feel. Don't be pushed into feeling like you should be 'getting over it' or like you have to stop saying those things - say what you need to.

Much love & hugs
Chippy x

Original poster
CheeseandGherkins · 11/01/2011 03:21

Thank you all so much, I keep saying that but it's true, it's helped so much reading your replies. I still sometimes feel like it isn't me and I read and it all washes over me again, really unbelieveable. You never think things like this will happen to you, I never did. Even after having miscarriages I thought getting to 37 weeks would be fine and that nothing more could happen...

Innocent thank you for making a donation to SANDS :)

Re bil, yes I don't know he ever could say anything to make up for this, ever, I really don't. The lack of contact was the worst thing really, if only he'd have actually made an effort. You people here that we've never even met have done more than he has...

I'm trying to eat, one day I actually ate a normal amount but I pick at things now. I want to be healthy. We do want to have another baby, that feels wrong to even say but not to replace Scarlett, that could never happen.

All I think is that it isn't fair, sounds so childish though but it's exactly what I feel most of the time. It shouldn't have happened and how could it have and why. All the time. Sigh.

x

OP posts:
Original poster
CheeseandGherkins · 11/01/2011 05:48

I can't stop crying, it's so not fair, not at all..why

OP posts:
barleywood · 11/01/2011 06:03

I've been following your posts. It's not fair, not fair at all.

BIL's behaviour doesn't help but then nothing can bring your precious baby back. I don't know how you will forgive him for not being there for you.

I'm sorry there's nothing I can say to make you feel better but there are people listening to you and your pain.

InnocentRedhead · 11/01/2011 06:24

It's the least i could have done.

And no, you are right it is not fair, you see people out there not fit to be parents, smoking and drinking through PG and then come out at the end with child. It makes me so angry!

You are such a deserving person and to lose a child is the worst thing in the world. Many people here know how awful and distressing it is. You know everyone on here is here and is supporting you in one way or another. And please heed the advice, i didn't have this forum when i lost DS and it would have probably done me the world of good, i probably wouldn't have gone off the rails for one. But all this advice, telling you to eat, try to sleep, bath as many times as you like (I know what it is like not to, i didn't bath for 2 weeks after losing DS), cry whenever you want, scream shout but never direct anger or otherwise to those close to you, it does not help. Direct anger to those outside your 'circle' PM me and be angry with me if you want. We understand you have to do what you need to do.

One thing i find that help is driving to a field or something similar that is remote, being left on your own and screaming, crying, shouting, getting out all your emotion until there is nothing and going home, having a bath and a food that you like and going to bed. Doing this was one of the things that kept my head above the water.

Do not forget we are here. You are in my prayers sweetheart xx

glovesoflove · 11/01/2011 11:45

Hi C&G, what a beautiful photo of your pretty Scarlett. I hope that it will bring you much comfort over the years. I cannot imagine how hard things must be for you right now :(

I support SANDS as sadly a couple of people I know have had their babies born sleeping last year. I am full of admiration for the way they've coped with this (imo) especially cruel bereavement and I know that SANDS have been a terrific help to them, I hope they'll be able to help you and your DP too.

Do keep trying to eat/sleep etc, you are right that keeping healthy can only help, and I wish you all the best for the future. I think that, when the time's right, another baby will bring some new joy to you all and help you deal with the pain of missing Scarlett.

Can I just wish any other bereaved parents reading the very best too xx

glovesoflove · 11/01/2011 11:48

Just to add, I hope I haven't given the impression that I think another child will cure grief, that's not at all what I meant, I was responding to where C&G mentioned wanting to try for a new baby in her previous post. I know it's not right or possible for every family xx

ChippingIn · 11/01/2011 12:54

Cheese - it's not suprising you are crying all the time, you have lost your baby - your hormones are all over the place as well as your emotions :( It's still very early days.

It isn't fair!! I lost my Grandad who I was very close to when I was young and I rememeber my Dad holding me and me sobbing and saying 'It's not fair' and after a while my Dad saying to me 'Sweetheart, who said life was fair?' and although initially it sounds a little harsh - what he was getting at was that you don't always get what you deserve, it's not always about being a good person and having good things happen to you - shit happens, and often to the people who least deserve it :( It brings me a little comfort sometimes to know that 'life isn't fair and therefore this isn't happening to me because I deserve it to'. I hope that makes some sense to you. It doesn't stop me saying it - because it isn't fair - but it does also make me have a small smile when I remember my Dad holding me tight and trying to ease my grief whilst dealing with the loss of his Dad and knowing what he said is true.... Life isn't fair.

Please try to eat a bit more, a bit more regularly - it really will help you feel a bit more in control of your emotions - not that you wont feel them, just that they wont run away with you so easily and it will help with the horrible sick feeling.

Only someone really stupid would think you wanted to have another baby to replace Scarlett - anyone with an ounce of sense knows you can't do that and it's not what you would be trying to do. Another baby is just that, another baby. I hope that when the time is right it happens for you.

BIL - curb, kick to.

How are the kids doing? Generally they are just so much more accepting aren't they - they often seem to move on without a backwards glance then they come out with a statement/question that makes you realise how much they are still processing it :(

Other than the stuff with his brother, how is DH holding up? Is he back at work yet?