37 weeks pregnant and found out yesterday that our baby has died

[CheeseandGherkins]

I'm still totally in shock, as is DH, our little girl has died. I hadn't felt movements since late on Wednesday and when I went in on Thursday they couldn't find a heartbeat with doppler. Sent straight for a scan and there was no heartbeat.

I already have 3 dcs who are so upset but it was DH's first baby.

I have to go in today, in a few hours, for a tablet to start things off but I can come home after an hour apparently and then go back 24 hours or so later (if nothing happens) to start inducement properly.

Does anyone have any experience of this? I'm scared of being induced, which sounds stupid under the circumstances but there it is. How long will it take? First 3 labours were fast, 3 and a half, 3 hours and just over an hour.

I still keep expecting to feel her move but of course she won't. Feels so surreal and that it can't be happening but it is. I was due on Dec 23rd.

I don't know what to do.

Yes, the nighttime is bound to be so much more difficult as you don't have the distraction of the DCs. On a practical note, have you tried anything to help you sleep - just to get you through these first few weeks?

Perhaps making a memory box for Scarlett would be helpful? Sorry, I have no personal experience of this kind of loss, so I'm not sure what to suggest, but my heart breaks for you and your family. I hope you get some rest soon.

Dear Cheese,

Only today I came across your post. This is heartbreaking what has happened to you and your family. Your little girl will always be with you in your heart and mind. Everyone that has read your story will never be able to forget it, little Scarlett will be always remembered by so many people!

No advice from me, just lots of kisses and cuddles to your beautiful baby. As far as your DH's brother is concerned - maybe some people just don't know how to behave in face of such a tragedy so maybe it's not due to lack of empathy or feelings. However, he should put his emotions aside and be there for you all as what he's feeling is secondary and no where near to how you are feeling :(

Those poems are amazing and say it all don't they. They made me cry, although I can never ever come close to understanding what you are going through I've had a number of loses overvthe last 6 months, my nan, my dad and a mc.

Please keep talking, don't worry about the tears, and just be there for each other. Re your dhs brother, I'm sure it's cause he just doesn't know how to help/what to say. Maybe your dh could just send him a text telling him to get his arse round to yours? Or is there another filt member who could have a word?

family

Cheese - you aren't sleeping and you are crying at night because in the day you are 'holding it together' for your other children & your DH. There is only so much 'holding it together' you can do, before you need to let it go. Everyone is different, some cry - some don't. Losing Scarlett would have been just as hard any time of the year, but it is such an emotional/stressful time of year anyway, it's compounded.

Can you take some time out without DH & the children, spend it with a friend, cry, talk about Scarlett, rage at the unfairness of it all - allow yourself space & time to grieve for her without worrying how it is affecting DH & your other children. With a friend you can say the things that you can't say to your DH without upsetting/worrying him.

Cheese - I don't know if I can say this without upsetting you more and I am only saying it because you say you don't get it, but with regard to DH's brother - I am guessing that he would have behaved entirely different had you lost one of your other children. Some people see what you have been though as being very different to losing a child who was born alive and died later. He is probably struggling to understand where he fits into this terrible, private, thing that is happening to you and DH - to others a baby still inside you can feel 'private' like something that belongs to just you and DH and not to the other people. Maybe he just felt as though he would be intruding? If, on the other hand, you feel he just thought it wasn't that important, then kick him to the curb and let him stay there x

Cheese thinking of you still.

Is there a charity that I could donate to (will be small I'm broke) in memory of Scarlett?

C&G - thinking of you. I don't know if I have anything helpful to say, and if what I do say sounds clumsy, please bear with me...
Of course the nights are horrible. People's pain generally tends to be worse at night (physical or emotional) because we're lying still and it's quiet and there are no distractions and so the full force of your terrible loss comes crashing in without anything to take your mind off it :(
Also I second what someone else said about how you're holding it together in the daytime and there's no-one to fake it for at night. :( :(

This is the most dreadful, unfair thing in the world. I just want to give you a huge hug and rock you and let you cry and scream out your grief - I wish I could. I think all of us wish we could. I'm sure everyone on here has cried for you, not that that helps you :(

Thinking of you. xxJM

C&G Know exactly where you re coming from.I lost my dd on October 10th she was stillborn at 41 weeks due to E-coli infection.She was my 4th pregnancy , i ve had 3 MCs before Georgie[Georgina].Like you we had a lovely service.It's now 12 weeks yesterday since Georgie was born/died and its so hard.

I hope you have good family support . I referred myself to counselling via my occ health dept at work it does help me [though it doesn t change the outcome].

Have you contacted SANDS? they may help , may not.....Bit by bit i ve managed to do like i used to little things like returning to the gym,booking weekends away etc... But its all so i can get pg again ,Thats the only aim thats important to me/us now.

You'll cry endlessly then some more.I ve never cried as much in my life i still cry every day.Xmas was so very hard, we didn t celebrate at all.It was a total write off.The only hope /reason ive got for going on is to have Georgie's brother or sister asap.

Please take care,cry as much as you need and i hope you get through each day.

This experience is the worst experience of my life and i can totally empathise with what you re going through.Please take care XXXX

C&G Sorry, i didn't realise you were still posting here. I've replied to your message-please have a look.

Some wise words from chippingin. I can only add that you do get back to some semblence of normality in time and that your 'normal' will become a new normal. As much as it is the most excrutiating pain right now, this does change in time (someone told me that in the early days - i didn't believe them then, it felt like the pain would never end).

I can't offer much about your brother's actions - I wanted mine at our funeral but as I didn't want my sil there (we don't get on) he didn't turn up. My sil has never even said sorry (her friend lost a baby to SIDS many years ago so its not as if she doesn't know what to say). People are strange.

C&G and Louise (I am so sorry that you too have been through this) take comfort from those that have gone before you that you can survive this, life will not be the same, you will always miss your child, but you dig really deep and from somewhere comes the strength to carry on.

Gentle days to all angel mums posting here
xxx

Thanks Jobobpip08 hope and sheer determination is what keeps me going.As you say i m slowly returning to "normal" but a totally different normal.What mattered before doesn t now i used to love my house and be quite materialistic i m not now i really couldn t give a stuff anymore.Its made me realise how much i need and love my family and we ve now formulated a plan to uproot 150 miles within the next 2 years, with Georgie's brother or sister.Funnily enough i can t stand my sil either,shes a nightmare!!!!!

G&G how you doing? I m sending my love XXXX

Cheese I didn't feel right reading your heartbreaking story and not letting you know how very sorry for all your pain that I am...and how brave you have been...I am saying a prayer for little Scarlett now and sending her and you and your family all of my good thoughts and wishes. xxx God bless you all.

We do have a memory box, with photos, hand and foot prints, the hospital are doing a cast too which we're looking forward to getting and putting up, the order of service and things from the hospital too. It's really nice to have.

Dh did text his brother on the day of Scarlett's funeral to say how upset and disappointed he was that he wasn't coming, that he really needed him there that day (and he did), but all brother said was that he couldn't get off work and it wasn't his fault etc. Surely noone would have refused him time off given the circumstances?! He's managed to get time off to go away for weekends etc so...and there was notice too. Even so, he could have come up in the evening or the weekend etc nothing was even mentioned of that though and he hasn't contacted him since then, which was the 29th...I really just think he's not bothered :( so sad.

I'm still struggling with sleep, slept for about an hour and a half last night from half one and then was awake until around 6 then slept a little more. Still not really eating either, think I had a dairylea silce and handful of peanuts yesterday, been like this for a few weeks though.

Chipping I know where you're coming from with that, I thought it was maybe that too but after DH asked him to be there for him and he basically heard nothing, he hasn't tried to call, contact or come to see him at all, seems he had a fab christmas and new year though...

imustbemad that is a lovely thing to do, I think SANDS would be best, I've had a read round their site and it looks very good plus I've been recommended to use them by lots of people.

Jaksmama thank you, not clumsy at all.

louisesh I'm so sorry you've been through this too, I hate to think of anybody else going through so much pain :( it's so, so awful. We did have a Christmas, for the kids really though, and it went as well as could, considering.

jobo I will hvae a look now. Isn't it funny how people can be? I guess it shows you who is worth making the effort with.

Wimpole thank you, we're still doing the same. Still lighting candles too.

.... so sad.. why?

Just no answer to that question is there? Thinking of you cheese, and wishing you strength.

No answer thats the worst bit so unfair.I look round other people have their babies and my Georgie's not here.Its so very unfair and such a tragic waste that neither Scarlett or Georgie will experience all they should of.XXXX

so so sorry for what you're going through. With regard to your dh's brother, I am going to charitably suggest that perhaps he felt he couldn't go through with it, -children's/babies funerals are so very different. However, your brother-in-law ought to have put his feelings to one side in order to support his brother. How does your dh feel about him? Please take care of yourself and keep posting and talking

Darling Girl

I am so very sorry for the tragic loss of your beautiful daughter, Scarlett.

Sadly, there is a whole online community of women who have lost their babies. When you are feeling up to it, look at the list of blogs in the 'loss room' on the Stirrup Queens site ( you'll need to google it.)

In the meantime love, try to rest a bit more and eat. Even if it's those complete meals you add milk to - at least they are nutritionally balanced. It will help you endure a little more.

Thinking of you and holding you in warmth and light.

xxxx

So, so sorry. Sending you love from across the pond.

cheese I just donated £10 to Sands.

I'm only sorry it couldn't be more.

Cheese - there is no excuse for DH's brother then is there. I was being as charitable as I could - but there is simply no excuse when your brother rings you up and asks you to be there for him and he refuses and compounds that by not even contacting him afterwards. If either of you can ever bear to be in the same room as him ever again you are bigger people than me. Yeah - I'm thrilled he's had a great Christmas and New Year It would be the end of any relationship for me :( I would call him a few choice names, but it doesn't seem at all right on Scarlett's thread.

Have they said when the cast will be ready? It seems to me that it would be a nice solid thing to hold.

There isn't any answer in the world that will bring you any comfort - there is no reason good enough :( When should you get the results from the hospital? They wont make anything any better, but they may stop you wondering what caused it to happen? Sadly they will never answer the question we all ask at times 'Why ME, why MY baby/child/husband/parent' :(

Biggest hugs and lots of love x

I'm sorry so many of you are all too familiar with what Cheese is going through :( xox

Hada few drinks and Ican't stop crying now, feel so shit

We went to her grave today too, the flowers were still lovely there, and i'd love to post a photo of her if people wanted to see. That's spmething else i feel bad about, i waited a few days to be inducded because i was scared and so her skin had starteed to peel a little.

hvaent scanned them in yet; she was and is so beautiful either way. i just cant believe it , i hurt so much

I'm so sorry for your loss. I don't have any wise words for you but just wanted you to know that someone is reading and I send you my best wishes.
I have seen photos of other angel babies like Scarlett and they are always beautiful. Take care of yourself, you are very brave.

Cheese, i have read the whole thread, i'm sat at my desk at work in bits, nothing compared to what you must be feeling!

I'm here until 8.30 so unload whatever you need to darling! If you feel you want to upload a picture, please do, she will definately be a beautiful angel.

God rest her gentle innocent soul, Take care of yourself. Wishing you strength and health xx

I'm trying to, just took photos on my phone of the photos we have as i couldnt sort the scanned out. I'm not sure what to do with them now...