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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

37 weeks pregnant and found out yesterday that our baby has died

886 replies

CheeseandGherkins · 03/12/2010 12:17

I'm still totally in shock, as is DH, our little girl has died. I hadn't felt movements since late on Wednesday and when I went in on Thursday they couldn't find a heartbeat with doppler. Sent straight for a scan and there was no heartbeat.

I already have 3 dcs who are so upset but it was DH's first baby.

I have to go in today, in a few hours, for a tablet to start things off but I can come home after an hour apparently and then go back 24 hours or so later (if nothing happens) to start inducement properly.

Does anyone have any experience of this? I'm scared of being induced, which sounds stupid under the circumstances but there it is. How long will it take? First 3 labours were fast, 3 and a half, 3 hours and just over an hour.

I still keep expecting to feel her move but of course she won't. Feels so surreal and that it can't be happening but it is. I was due on Dec 23rd.

I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
earwicga · 30/12/2010 04:14

I'm so sorry. It's not fair, in any way.

Lavitabellissima · 30/12/2010 07:56

Cheese such beautiful and poignant poems, again I am so sorry for your loss. Please take some comfort in those inspiring words, and grieve for your daughter, and take time for yourself.

I am so, so, sorry, and really wish I could do or say more. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

TheVeryLazyLadybird · 30/12/2010 10:04

Oh Cheese, they are absolutely beautiful words, and so very true.
I just wish there was something more we could do to help you Sad

Are you managing to eat and sleep a bit more yet?

SleighdyInPink · 30/12/2010 10:24

I don't know where you get your strength from C&G - you are a very brave woman to come on here and keep us updated. Thankyou for posting the beautiful poems too. I am sat here weeping at the unfairness of it all.

I have only just read about Scarletts Funeral service today and wish i could have lit a candle for you all then but i will do so now in rememberance of your precious angel. Know my thoughts and prayers are with you.

x

mumatron · 30/12/2010 11:43

such beautiful words c&g

as lavita said, i wish i could do or say something to make it a little bit better for you :(

you and scarlett are in my thoughts.

ChippingIn · 30/12/2010 12:42

Cheese - they are beautiful poems. I don't know what to say to help you through this, I'm sat here crying at the unfairness of it and I wish there was something I could do to bring her back to you. I think it's important to cry and not to stop yourself, if you try to stop yourself you will just bottle it all up and that isn't any good for you or the rest of the family. You have just lost your daughter, you are allowed to cry and cry and cry... you will stop, you will learn to live alongside your loss, but give it time x

Original poster
CheeseandGherkins · 31/12/2010 02:06

Lavita and mumatron - thank you, I hope you're both doing well, sorry I haven't read the thread in a while but I do hope you are both OK.

I'm not really eating much at all, and sleeping is hit and miss.

I don't feel strong at all most of the time...

I've cried so much, I didn't think I could cry anymore but I could and did. I still half can't believe it's happened. I should have had a baby here with me now :(

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Original poster
CheeseandGherkins · 31/12/2010 04:06

I didnt do anything wrong at all, this is so not right , i just did what i should...

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JackSawMamaKissingSantaClaus · 31/12/2010 05:06

Of course you didn't do anything wrong!!! Of course not!

Oh my love. I've just been sat here reading through your thread sobbing... not that that helps you... but here's another one thinking of you and crying for you. I'm in the Pacific Time Zone, so 8 hours behind you - thumbplumpudding and I are both up and around when (most) everyone's sleeping in the UK.

This is so unfair. There aren't any words that will make it better. I'm so terribly sad for you.

HarkTheDragonAngelsSing · 31/12/2010 05:42

No you didnt do anything wrong, honestly you didnt. Echoing everyone here im so sad for you and your beautiful little scarlett I hope your asleep now C&G xxxx

thumbplumpuddingwitch · 31/12/2010 08:30

C&G - so :( for you. I couldn't read your poems properly through the fog of tears, so beautiful though.

I know we have no business bewailing the loss of your beautiful daughter - but it strikes the heart of every mother, I'm sure.

There aren't any suitable words of comfort - nothing can take away the unfairness or pain of loss. I just hope that the rawness of it eases soon and allows you all to start to come to terms with things - and you start eating and sleeping again.

Have you been on the thread for parents who have lost children? There are lots of lovely parents on there who will understand your feelings and help you through this sad time.

mumatron · 31/12/2010 10:16

c&g but you are strong, even if you don't feel it. you have just gone through the most horrible thing and your still standing. You were brave before this happened, you have had to deal with too much.

of course you didn't do anything wrong. there is a verse from one of the poems you posted that really struck me.

"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of love and life and fear,
but My mommy loved me so much
I got to come straight here!"
I feel so lucky to have a Mum who had so much love for me,
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My Mummy set me free.

anyway, i'm rambling on now.

i just wanted to say that i will be thinking of scarlett tonight at midnight and i sincerely hope that 2011 is a better year for you and dh.

Christmasbelle · 31/12/2010 11:22

Much love sent for both your family and beautiful baby Scarlet xxx

StayingFatherChristmasGirl · 31/12/2010 13:17

Honey, you didn't do anything wrong - please try not to think that way (though I appreciate how difficult that will be).

I recently found out about an organisation local to me that knits blankets, hats, bootees etc for the hospital to use when a premature baby is born sleeping - so there are some clothes the right size for the baby to be dressed in, in the hopes that this may help the parents just a little.

I am going to be knitting blankets for this group, and am going to make them as beautiful as I possibly can, in Scarlett's memory. I hope this is OK with you, C&G.

ChippingIn · 31/12/2010 13:51

Cheese - I hope you managed to get a little sleep. Have you tried the Rescue Remedy Night? My friend thinks it's brilliant - I think it's worth trying.

Scarlett Niamh should be here with you and it is incredibly unfair that she isn't. There is a big gap in your life where she should be :( You will learn to live alongside that, but don't expect too much of yourself too soon, it's very early days, this time is for grieving - crying and being angry that she isn't here.

Hopefully the results of the post mortem will give you some of the answers that you need. It wont take any of the pain away but at least you will know what happened.

I really wish we could all take this pain away from you and bring Scarlett Niamh back to you - you know we would if we could x

SFCG - that's a lovely thing to do.

thumbplumpuddingwitch · 31/12/2010 15:07

might be too early for you to consider, C&G, but here is the link to the thread for bereaved parents.

(((hugs))) for you.

maxpower · 31/12/2010 17:55

C&G I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to post on Weds. It sounds like the service was beautiful and the poems you chose were exquisite. This is so dreadfully unfair on your family, there aren't the words for it. Be angry, rage at the unfairness of it all. You're doing wonderfully to keep going right now. You've done nothing to deserve this. Take care of yourself.

Wishing you and your family a peaceful 2011. Max x

JackSawMamaKissingSantaClaus · 31/12/2010 18:31

Woke up last night thinking of you. Not that that helps you :(
((((((((((HUGS)))))))))
xxJM

gailforce1 · 31/12/2010 18:38

C&G I have'nt had the chance to post for a while but did light a candle on Wednesday and thought of you and your family. The poems were beautiful - thank you for sharing them.

Do whatever you need to do to keep going but know that you did nothing wrong nor did you deserve this. Please get yourself some Rescue Remedy Night, I find it helps.

Wishing you and your family a peaceful New Year.
Gail x

Original poster
CheeseandGherkins · 01/01/2011 04:18

StayingFatherChristmasGirl - that is a lovely thing to do and I'm honoured for you to do it in Scarlett's memory

chipping it feels like all I do is cry now, I get through the days with my dcs but the nights are bad... I will try the rescue remedy night, sounds good.

I haven't yet thumb, I will but I don't think I can yet. Thank you for the link.

Thank you everyone, sorry not to reply to all.

Feel so deflated, I thought it would be easier now but it isn't. I don't know why but I did. I feel so sorry for DH, his brother didnt' even bother to come to the funeral, said he couldn't get time off work...maybe it's just me but surely noone would refuse considering the circumstances? He didn't even call him and hasn't at all other than 1 text I think in the last 3 weeks... amazes me. I feel so bitter about that, dh needs support too and his only brother can't even be arsed. Sigh. Am I wrong in thinking he could/should have picked up the phone? That's a whole other thread I guess...but I just don't get it.

For those on facebook, I put an album up before showing the flowers, I didnt put the one of the roses on her coffin though, they were beautiftul but I didnt want to potentially upset anyone.

OP posts:
Original poster
CheeseandGherkins · 01/01/2011 04:37

i can't stop crying, this isnt fair, at all

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BabyValentine · 01/01/2011 04:53

Oh, cheese. It isn't fair in the slightest. Always remember that you did your best for your beautiful girl. Sending virtual strength.

HollyBollyBooBoo · 01/01/2011 04:53

C&G - haven't posted on your thread before but have read it at a couple of points in time. I don't have any better words than some of the beautifully articulate posts on here but I am in tears thinking of you awake and crying at this time of the morning. Literally my heart goes out to you and your family, if I could take away one ounce of your pain and endure it myself then I would.

Let's hope the New Year and new decade somehow make the pain a little easier for you.

Original poster
CheeseandGherkins · 01/01/2011 05:07

All I want is my daughter back.. :(

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Original poster
CheeseandGherkins · 01/01/2011 05:10

and thank you holly, i wouldn't wish this on anyone though.

I'm so up and down, , the night time is so much worse..

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