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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Beyond the distant star, I wish upon tonight to see you smile, If only for a while, to know you're there.

946 replies

shabbapinkfrog · 04/10/2010 10:08

Our thread to honour and remember our precious children who sadly are not 'physically' here xxxxx

OP posts:
louisesh · 22/10/2010 19:06

Hi ladies do you mind if i join? I m 39 years old and on 10th oCt gave birth to our beautiful stillborn daughter.She had died 48-24 hrs before.I ve had 3 MCs previously Georgie was concieved in Jan , her pg was uneventful.I was under consultant care ,scanned every 2 weeks up to 13 weeks, had pregyanyl injections twice weekly, took aspirin up to 36 weeks.No probs,Had 2 sweeps at 40+5 and 41 weeks.At 41 weeks heard Georgies HB loud and strong , 18 hrs later nothing.

Had a lovely 6 hr labour .Georgie went for PM we ve just arranged her cremation for 1 st Nov.My DH and family are soo supportive i will refer myself back to counselling , had it before after the MCs.Seeing the bereavement MW with my DH.

Its just soo hard i agree with CAZ each day seems like a million hours long.Can t believe its only 2 weeks since Georgie died.I hate everything at the moment the only hope we ve got for the future is to get pg asap.My DH is desperate for the same.My whole family and friends are suffering.

CazandBelle · 22/10/2010 19:57

Hello louise

I'm so sorry to hear about your little girl and that you've had to find yourself here. Georgie is a very cute name.

My little girl, Anabelle, was born sleeping on the 21st June at 32 weeks grown.

Today I'm not having a good day. But a couple of days ago I was doing ok and was trying to reassure another Mummy that the length of time between the truely bad days does become longer. I wish you gentle days ahead. x x x

We are almost at the point of ttc again, we both really want another baby in 2011. But after today (and all my low days) DH isn't sure I'm mentally strong enough yet. He's worried that a pg would push my anxiety levels even higher and I'd stop coping altogether. I know this is just a bad day and tomorrow will be brighter, but I can also see his concern. Why is everything such a double edged sword??

I'm so glad its Saturday tomorrow and DH is home with me.

spilttheteaagain · 22/10/2010 21:09

Hi louise

I'm so so sorry you've lost your lovely little girl.

I'm also a newcomer to this thread. My baby Bobbie was born on the 9th Oct at 20 weeks, after a ghastly 20 week scan that showed us the heart had stopped.

I completely understand your need to be pregnant again straight away, I feel that too. There's this overwhelming need for a baby to hold in my empty body and arms and give all this love to. I feel like I'm missing a huge part of me, and feel so alone without my baby inside me. I still can't quite believe I'm not pregnant anymore. It's a very messed up feeling and hard to explain - I don't want to replace my Bobbie, absolutely not, but we still want a baby and we will love Bobbie's little brother or sister enormously, even though they would never have existed if Bobbie had made it.

Sorry I'm rambling, what I mean is welcome, and so sorry you have to be here too x

spilttheteaagain · 22/10/2010 21:17

Caz have you been given a "plan of action" type thing from your MW/consultant for managing a future pregnancy, extra scans, checks, possible CS's etc? The trouble is I imagine that bad days will always come, and they will probably (again, I imagine, no experience yet!) be even worse when you're pregnant again, because there will be the extra dimension of enormous fear for your second baby too. I suppose we all have to remember that bad days don't mean we are going mad, and as you say, the next day will probably be easier. We have no option but to cope with whatever happens. Wishing you all the best whatever you decide to do x

CazandBelle · 22/10/2010 22:04

split - I think I finally accepted/believe the not being pregnant after Belle's due date, when I would'nt have been anymore anyway. And until recently I was still have phantom kicks. Very bizzare. I also couldn't cope with the idea of being pregnant again straight away, and was back on the pill 9 days after she was born.

Its only really the last few weeks I've been starting to seriously consider ttc and feeling 'confident' (although not really, lots of fear) enough to come off the pill. So as long as my bad day hasn't rocked me and DH too much, I'll be off the pill in 2 weeks and start ttc properly around mid-December.

I understand that everyone deals with it so differently, and you'll do what is right for you.

Yes I've had a plan of action for my next pregnancy. I am to ring the consultant as soon as I get a BFP and I'll be bought it for an early scan, swabs, bloods etc. I'll have scans, bloods, swabs every 4 weeks throughout the pregnancy, and more often if they deem necessary as we go along. I know I'll be closely looked after next time.

The plan might change slightly after the results of my blood test. I'm currently being tested for numerous blood disorders, the results should be in soon, but they are so complex and fragile that they have to be repeated to ensure a consistent result. If anything is found then treatment for that will also be added to my plan.

From what I've been told so far though, the results as they've come in so far don't show anything. Which is good news, but also makes me sad that no reason is being found for my Belle's death.

However we refused a PM - I couldn't deal with the thought of it, plus we were told there was every chance no reason would be found from a PM. I know we made the right decision for us, because I know I'll live better without a reason, than if I'd allowed a PM and they'd 'hurt' her.

DH has been to Asda and got me treats. I've got enough chocolate and naughty things to keep me going now!

shabbapinkfrog · 23/10/2010 07:20

Morning girls. xx

Welcome to our special thread Louise. Im so sorry to hear about the loss of your precious baby. Im glad you found us but wish we didn't have to meet here xxx

OP posts:
Deemented · 23/10/2010 08:16

Fecking buggery gahhhh!!!

I have just typed out a huge post and lost it!!!

The gist of it though, is this...

'Sometimes it's not about finding the answers... it's about learning to live with the questions.'

This quote has got me through many a dark night when i was addled with 'Why?' questions.

love to you all x

Minione · 23/10/2010 11:26

Hi Ladies

Welcome Louisesh, I have spoken to you on the pregnant after a difficult pregnancy thread, I'm so sorry about everything you've gone through x

I rang my consulatant yesterday, the lady who I spoke to said I didn't have to see my community midwife first and that someone will call me on Monday to arrange an appointment. I'm a a bit pissed off as I was told to call the consulatant as I got a positive result and here I am still waiting for a response. I'm starting to doubt whether I will be monitired closely.

louisesh · 23/10/2010 13:41

Thanks for your lovely welcome.Hi MINIONE indeed we have "spoken" already!!!!

DEMENTED your quote actually makes a lot of sense In a rational moment i can only think Georgie was too precious/ood for our world in an unrational moment all i can think "why us? its not fair".
Thanks SHABBAPINKFROG

Thanks SPILTTHETEA its horrible isn t it? The worst thing ever all seems soo unreal.Can t believe its only 2 weeks today we found out she had died seems like forever.We re at my parents at the moment 150 miles away from where we live Can t stand my house at the moment, which is horrible as i used to love my house,now th only reason i want to go back is for our 2 cats.All our house reminds me of Georgie and what should have been it just seems soo empty now.

I m trying very hard to help myself we re going back to the gym soon [ i swim, don t do the gym].Me and DH try and get back out to the cinema next month, little steps.Booking a mini cruise for my bday in Dec, to change the plans we had made with Georgie in mind.All this to facilitate a "normal" life to help me get pg again.Sometimes i have to protect myself by not thinking of Georgie as it hurst soo much but then i feel guilty for not thinking of her.God this is horrible.
CAZANDBELLE know where you re coming from don t expect our results to show anything as me and DH had loads of bloods done in Jan this year.Don t think for 1 minute Georgie's pm will show anything which is soo hard as are we to accept was just a sad,sad,sad twist of fate ? Or we were just 1 0f 17 with stillborn children on that day.Why us???? Sick of being a bl**dy statisic just want to have a normal pg and be normal with a baby.

Hope everyone manages to get through today XX

lavandes · 23/10/2010 14:58

hello louiseh I am so sorry you have lost your baby Georgie. Life is so cruel and you must take care of yourself and take things slowly. Just take one day at a time and accept all the help you can. It is heartbreaking that there are so many newly bereaved mums finding this thread but we all support eachother as much as we can. xx

CazandBelle · 23/10/2010 17:04

louise I can totally understand why you are at your parents at the moment. We also spent the first two weeks at my Mum and Dads and then attempted to venture home the day after Belle's funeral. I couldn't bare being here at first and found it very hard - for me this was mainly because my next door neighbours little girl was born the day before Belle died, and it really hurt.

I even tried convincing DH to sell the house so we could move away. After a few weeks, even with all of Belle's things around us, it became my sanctuary and I'm glad we didn't make any rash decisions. Its now one of the few places I feel completely safe. Belle is very much part of our home, I wouldn't change her things all around me now, I just wish she was here to use them. I hope you come to be comfortable in your home again too.

louisesh · 23/10/2010 18:23

CAZ we too still have a load of Georgie's clothes in her wardrobe don t want them putting away as then it ll be like shes never been here.Her pram,moses basket and all big stuff is at my mum and dads awaiting next time.

Hi LAVANDA

Minione · 23/10/2010 19:14

Hi Ladies

Somebody has started a vile thread in AIBU about our thread, accusing us of making things up. The shit has actually named people on here and 'doubted' their losses. It has really upset me and I started to write a sweary vitriolic reply but then thought that the OP shouldn't be encouraged. Some posters are suggesting that it is Sassy, I don't know what to think but its is horrible and vile.

LunaticFringe · 23/10/2010 20:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Deemented · 23/10/2010 20:09

There was me, Shabbs and Lottie named.

Whoever it was is a complete fuckmuppet and ought to be ashamed.

Minione · 23/10/2010 20:14

My thoughts exactly Dee. Fuckmuppet is too kind though.

spilttheteaagain · 23/10/2010 20:16

God some people Minione. That said, I can't see the thread you mean so it may have been pulled?

Caz I'm glad your future antenatal care has been taken seriously. I got told I might be able to get an extra scan at 16 weeks (which is around the point my pregnancy appeared to have been going wrong and that would have been detectable on a scan by then). Was not hugely impressed tbh.

louise I hope your parents are giving you the kind of support you need at the moment. Mine are just coming back from a fortnight's holiday tonight so I haven't seen them since before everything happened. I'm actually glad they've been away though because they would have wanted to see us and for a good week I just wanted to hide and shut out the entire world. Thinking of you. Don't beat yourself up for trying to distract yourself from your grief, anything that helps you cope with each day is ok. I have to confess to finding Strictly quite good escapism at the moment!

LunaticFringe · 23/10/2010 20:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Minione · 23/10/2010 20:25

Looks like they pulled the thread. Lots of people had compained to MNHQ and were pretty riled by the OP so I'm not surprised.

Good riddance I say.

frasersmummy · 23/10/2010 21:00

jesus..what is going on at the mo..???

What did we do to deserve that..

frasersmummy · 23/10/2010 22:08

I haven been around much recently anyway .. but I'm gonna hide for a while... will still lurk and I am thinking of you all..

Its just an odd place at the mo .sorry

CazandBelle · 23/10/2010 23:07

I've been out this evening and have missed all this. What is going on? How nasty can some people be? God that SS buisness has caused a lot of damage hasn't it.

Probably got a lot of lurkers again now haven't we. Analyising our misery.

lavandes · 23/10/2010 23:49

Didn't see this other thread. How can people be so horrible. I wish my story was made up then my beloved son would still be here with us and my precious grandchildren would still have their Dad. I despair xx

Love to you all, we will still be here for eachother and bugger all the nasty people only looking at us with morbid curiosity. xx

lavandes · 23/10/2010 23:51

I was going to say 'fuck em' but of course I am too polite!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CazandBelle · 24/10/2010 00:01

Yes, I wish my life was made up to. Then I'd be the Mummy I was supposed to be, instead of the Mummy I am in reality. I miss my daughter every minute of every hour of every day, with every fibre of my being. I ache to hold her again.

Nasty people should just imagine the reality for 5 minutes - let it hit them full in the face and then see if they start despicable threads.

Out of interest was it a little group of nasty people or just the OP?

Sorry, this has just wound me up. How very dare they after all the shite a couple of weeks ago. Good on MNHQ for acting quickly.