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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

Wife is terminally ill with a few weeks left

271 replies

TheConstantGardener · 27/09/2010 11:33

Hi all, first post here so please be kind! :)

To cut a long and hard story short, after 3 years battling with breast cancer my wife has stopped treatment and has been told she has 'a few weeks left'. I am 36 and she is 40 and our 2 sons are aged 3 and 5. We're using the remaining time to sort out practicalities (hard work) and spend some quality time as a family and have a few days out. I have been given time away from work for the time being.

My reason for posting is to get any advice/support from anyone who has been through something similar. We have a good family/friend support network with access to counseling, which has helped somewhat. However, I'd still like any advice on support for my sons - have checked out 'Winston's wish' which only works with kids 6+ and have been advised the 'Child bereavement trust' is not brilliant - so if anyone has any other tips I'd appreciate them. Obviously helping the boys with this is a source of huge anxiety for us.

Also, anyone with knowledge of possible widower benefits would also be useful, unfortunately these practicalities need to be discussed, however hard it is.

Thanks all and please message if you get a moment.

x

OP posts:
TanteRoseAliveAndKicking · 12/11/2010 01:08

thinking of you and your boys Sad

take great care

ChippingIn · 12/11/2010 01:23

TCG - I'm so sorry, it's so very sad and so utterly unfair, 41 is no age at all.

We have had several early deaths in our family this past year and today was the funeral for a family member who also died of cancer.

I'll remember you, your boys and your wife's birthday/passing every year along with our losses.

Your boys are very lucky to have such a wonderful Dad and I know that you will give them the strength they need and them you.

Lots of love & hugs, Chip x

TheChrimbolyMallows · 12/11/2010 01:57

I am so sorry for your loss, thinking of you and your little boys xx

LarkinSky · 12/11/2010 03:13

I'm so sorry. My heart goes out to you and your boys, and I wish you strength and hopefully comfort in coming weeks.

evie2000 · 12/11/2010 07:56

sending you and your gorgeous boys our love, sympathy and prayers.

PollyLogos · 12/11/2010 08:04

I'm very sorry to read this, my condolences to you, your boys and all the family.

Original poster
TheConstantGardener · 12/11/2010 09:20

Thanks all

Managed a half decent sleep and woken up to some lovely messages on MN, thanks, it does help that people genuinely empathise. Also lots of texts from friends with offers, lovely words and confirmation that I really have lost someone very very remarkable. At the moment trying to stay positive and thinking 'what would my wife have done' in this situation - I think to stay positive and think of the good things we've done, we have and still to come.

I've told the boys Mummy will always be with us, there is a massive Mummy part of us that just won't go. My eldest son is kind, thoughtful and in that way so like Mum an d have told him he's my helper to help my youngest understand what has happened, thinking giving him a role will help him at the moment. Also said that the massive part of Mummy in me means that whenever they want there is a Mummy kiss and cuddle waiting for them. Of course the Mummy kisses are that bit sloppier and lingering!

Going to sort paperwork/logistic today and carry on letting friends etc know what has happened. Then I want to begin looking at help and support, although I feel quite well supported at the moment. Will also check out WAY for the long term.

Thanks all x

OP posts:
Scootergrrrl · 12/11/2010 09:26

Your wife sounds like she was very well loved. Will be thinking of you and your family.

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 12/11/2010 09:30

Glad you got some sleep CG. What you have told your boys sound so lovely and I hope they find comfort in the Mummy part of you.

Thinking of you all.

retiredgoth2 · 12/11/2010 09:34

Thinking of you.

I've been directed to this thread by a thoughtful MN contributor as this (or something similar) happened to me almost exactly four years ago. I have four boys, then aged 9, 7, 5 and 5.

Yes it is hard. But, in a sense, having the children is an aid. I HAD to get on, even when I really didn't want to, and even when inside I felt like I really wasn't. They were dressed. They were fed. They were clean. They got to school.

Be kind to yourself. Give yourself a break. Accept any and all offers of help, and dont do what I did which was to say 'I'm ok!' and not ask others for aid...

It does get better. Not all better. And not all of the time. And it does take time.

WAY foundation can be helpful, I found the merry widow website particularly useful, and 'met' some of the other posters on this thread there, too!

Winston's wish have a great website, and a moderately useful telephone helpline, but don't expect anything else from them unless you (a) pay or (b) live in Gloucestershire. There are a number of cancer charities that may offer bereavement aid for your boys, if required. If it helps, I'll tell you that my youngest two (5 at the time) appear to have come out of the whole thing about as unscathed as is possible, as has my eldest. My then 7 year old had found things more difficult, but CAMHS bereavement work proved helpful.

Good luck!

ilovemydogandMrObama · 12/11/2010 09:34

Logistics can be such a comfort, can't they? It puts order into a world that has fallen apart.

Although you sound prepared for your DW's death, it must still be such a shock.

Sad so sorry...

LilRedWG · 12/11/2010 09:37

I'm so sorry to hear this TCG. Keep your boys close and draw strength from each other. xx

LadyInPink · 12/11/2010 09:39

Oh I am so so sorry, I had a cry when i read your last post. Peace and good wishes to you and yours at this sad time - another wonderful life lost of rememberence day too, how poignant.

My thoughts are with you.

Original poster
TheConstantGardener · 12/11/2010 09:46

retiedgoth, thanks, good advice and comforting to know it can be done x

Yes the routine has to work for me, getting me up and showered before school drop is a target I have set to get me moving and 'up' each day. The evening worry me massively, I do have real anxiety of laying awake running things over at that least productive time of the day - horrible.

Just checked a few emails and a couple from my wife from Tues PM which have just hit me for 6. Seems unbelievable. Despite the pain, anxiety, loss of so many things she was determined to be 'normal' with emails to fellow mothers RE xmas parties for the kids and so on. Also she was driven enough to be thinking of colour schemes fro the boys bedrooom, curtains, badly needed new front door and even retaining control of Sainsburys online food orders. Staggering. As i say, a total inspiration. Of course this is all the more upsetting.

So there's a major up and down already in half an hour :-(

x

OP posts:
mylifewithstrangers · 12/11/2010 09:47

I'm so sorry ConstantGardener, your thread has brought tears to my eyes. Sending you and your sons my very deepest sympathy and best wishes. You sound like a lovely Dad, and doing the very best you can for your sons.

As it happens I lost my father when I was 5, I still think of him every day and he is still very much a part of my life. All the preparations you and your wife have made means that she will continue to be a source of love and comfort to them in years to come.

Stay strong!

spiderlight · 12/11/2010 09:47

So very sorry :(

RipMacWinkle · 12/11/2010 09:47

Just another MNer here who has just read your thread and would like to add my condolences to you and your family.

Take care x

Ormirian · 12/11/2010 09:49

Oh so so sorry to hear this Sad

No advice I'm afraid but lots of sympathy. Love to you and your family.

mistlethrush · 12/11/2010 09:52

TCG, so sorry to hear of your loss.

I hope you will take strength from the fact that your wife, who was clearly an amazing woman, was trying to keep the routine things going, and making life as straight forward as possible. Clearly your whole life and that of your two boys has been turned on its head at the moment, but keeping those 'normal' things going will hopefully help things for the boys at least.

Thinking of you and your two boys.

Romanarama · 12/11/2010 09:57

So sorry for you. Just to say that I recently saw the husband of a friend of mine who died of cancer a couple of years ago leaving her 4 and 2 year olds behind (we live in different countries so don't often meet). He is still heartbroken, as you would expect, but the children were really, really fine. I think the memory boxes, photos and the like are very important for when they are older, partly to explain and partly so they have something that shows that they had a mum who loved them. I think that my friend's very good and constant nanny has been extremely important for the whole family.

Sariska · 12/11/2010 10:09

I've just seen this thread and I am so very sorry for your loss. Wishing you and your boys love, peace and strength.

LurcioLovesFrankie · 12/11/2010 10:11

Just come across this thread. I am so sorry for your loss. Your wife sounds like she was a lovely woman, and both of you come across as marvellous parents.

poppyknot · 12/11/2010 10:25

So sorry to hear the sad news about your wife.

love and strength x

TheUnmentioned · 12/11/2010 10:28

thinking of you all

Mobly · 12/11/2010 10:37

So sorry for your loss x