Wife is terminally ill with a few weeks left

[TheConstantGardener]

Hi all, first post here so please be kind! :)

To cut a long and hard story short, after 3 years battling with breast cancer my wife has stopped treatment and has been told she has 'a few weeks left'. I am 36 and she is 40 and our 2 sons are aged 3 and 5. We're using the remaining time to sort out practicalities (hard work) and spend some quality time as a family and have a few days out. I have been given time away from work for the time being.

My reason for posting is to get any advice/support from anyone who has been through something similar. We have a good family/friend support network with access to counseling, which has helped somewhat. However, I'd still like any advice on support for my sons - have checked out 'Winston's wish' which only works with kids 6+ and have been advised the 'Child bereavement trust' is not brilliant - so if anyone has any other tips I'd appreciate them. Obviously helping the boys with this is a source of huge anxiety for us.

Also, anyone with knowledge of possible widower benefits would also be useful, unfortunately these practicalities need to be discussed, however hard it is.

Thanks all and please message if you get a moment.

x

I was 4 when my mum died. I have one letter she wrote when she was in hospital. As flowery says, it would be so lovely to have some more tangible things to remember her by. Wishing you all much strength.

Absolutely agree with itsnot about the voice - my brother died of lung cancer last year and I have loads of memorabilia of him and pictures but only one recording of his voice and unfortunately that was when he phoned me from his hospital bed a few days before he died and he sounded terrible as you would imagine. My DH often tells me to delete this message as I sometimes accidentally play it ( saved in recordings in my mobile) - he knows it really cuts me up to hear it and he thinks its not the best way to remember him but its all I have that is tangible IYSWIM - photos are lovely but so flat and as someone said on here - dont bring back how the person moved,sounded etc etc.

My brother had a really really infectious laugh - a sort of Tommy Cooper type laugh really - and I would give anything to ever hear it again.

Sorry to hijack - I know your situation must be much worse what with the young children aswell and you are both so young - my brother was in his fifties but left no children or wife/partner behind. Obviously for my brothers sake I often wish he had met that someone special and had a family although it does make it so much harder at the time - you will I'm sure take great comfort in years to come that your dear wife at least knew that special love which will live on in you and your children and your love for each other. All the very best to you all.

Thanks all, sorry haven't posted recently but we're getting on with things, doing what we can, sorting stuff out and trying to cope with things as they progress. All fantastic advice and we're taking it all on board. Thanks for going there to upsetting thoughts to offer advice. Glad you are all here for us.

x

Just returned to these boards after a long absence. So sorry to read this. Totally understand your situation as I lost my DH in 2008 to cancer and had a 4 year old. All good advice on here. WAY Foundation is good but I found I didn't have time to use it until 18 months afterwards. Like MummyDoIt I too kept his memory alive by talking and following my DD's lead with questions etc. She wrote notes and left them on window sills for him to see. I found talking about my DH helped enormously so seek those friends and relatives who you can do this with if that's what you need to do.
We just never spoke as a couple about the last weeks (which were a surprise) or about what we would do without him. I guess we denied it was going to happen. Please look after yourself. It is hard to grieve and look after little ones as well as all the practical stuff you will have to do. Take all the help that is offered and do ask for what you need from people. Take care.

Just to say that close friends of ours had fantastic support following the loss of their dad (and still are, several years on) from the Laura Centre in Leicester. Not just counselling but creative and sensitive input for every member of the family. It is not straightforward and with such young children the issues come up again and again as their understanding grows, but at least that support is available.

I know Leicester's not your area but from their website I found the Childhood Bereavement Network that might lead you to something similar local to you.

So sorry to read of your situation though, hope you are OK realising it's a few weeks on now.

Thanks all again, I haven't checked in for a while as things have been busy and I've been here there and everywhere looking after the kids etc. My wife moved to the hospice a few weeks ago, which was hard but she stabilized for a while for the time being. Our house hasnt lent itself to her coming home so we're all with her sister for the time being, which is nice to be together. I've been struggling being the nurse and doing the right thing by the kids at half term, but its good we're together right now. Every day is different, up and down and dealing with people and their reactions/actions can be hard- just trying to understand what we need/what I need and who is going to be supportive in the future. Feel free to drop me an IM if anyone has anything else to add.

onlytheone - thanks, you seem very strong and thanks for the advice. We have told our 5 yr old that Mummy isn't going to get any better and it just seemed to confirm his worst fears and we cried and cried together, very hard. He said 'then you'll be gone?' and he cried some more. We reassured him Daddy was fit and strong and that I'd be here whatever and this seemed to help a little. Very hard saying I feel fit and strong when I feel very emotionally fragile and so so tired, but in the scheme of things...All hard work, hard things to deal with daily and the things no-one wants their kids to live with, but better to be honest than not I guess. Oh and Mummy will be discussed daily, I guarentee the boys that - I'm just so sad that they'll be deprived the kindest, sweetest, most emotionally intelligent woman I know. For us life will have to go on though, between us we have alot of living to do.

Thanks and take care everyone.

x

TCG,

I've been lurking but I don't think I can add anything to the great advice you've had.

Just couldn't read and not post.

Sending you strength and peace.

I feel the same as the previous poster. I couldn't read this thread without leaving you a message.
You have had some amazing advice, I really hope that it helps you and your dc's in some way.
I'm so very sorry for you all. I hope you keep posting on here, there seems to be so many people who can relate to what your going through.
Take care x

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this, there's some great advice here and definitely lots of ideas that sound very helpful. My mum died very suddenly when I was 5 and my dad coped pretty well with bringing up me and my older brother (a lot of help from mum's friends for the first years), but we all regret that there wasn't any time to make any preparations like you're doing. I would love to have a memory box or pictures of her or a recording of her voice, those things will really help your sons (and you) in the years to come. Sending you lots of strength to get through this awfully hard time.

I am another one who couldn't not post when reading this. You sound incredibly strong and I think doing these things for your boys is a great idea.

I lost my dad when I was 10 and my mum when I was 23 and I know that having things like letters, cards, videos are so precious.

I think as well the idea of having cards written for things like special birthdays is an amazing idea and would be a huge comfort.

So much great advice on here. I wish you all the best for the weeks and months ahead.

My wife passed away early this morning on her 41st birthday after a hard night and a hard few days, I know she couldn't keep soldiering on for ever but at the same time I am so sad at what I am losing. Not angry, just totally sad about this thing that has happened and at the circumstances for us all. Being her birthday was of course horrid, she never got to see her presents from everyone who has loved her so so much.

Told the boys exactly what has happened today and waiting for it to sink in really. After a few hrs sleep in the last 48 I am not crying much this evening, just focusing on a few calls and post here.

Tomorrow I go to register the death and make decisions on arrangements and to (of course) spend lots of time with the my beautiful boys.
x

I'm so sorry

Am very sorry for you and your dcs' loss.

TheConstantGardener

Deepest sympathy on the loss of your dear wife.

I have no idea what to write, I just stumbled on this thread for the first time, read it through, and am so very sad at what's happened today.

From what you have posted, you seem like a wonderful Dad and a very decent person with lots of commonsense. I hope you get all the support you need to help you and your children through this.

Very best to you and your children.

RIP to your wife.

thinking of you and your family x

ConstantGardener - our thoughts and prayers are with you and your boys at this very very difficult time.

:(
My thoughts are with you and your boys.

So sorry for your loss, especially on her birthday. Thinking of you all.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Will be thinking of you and your boys

so sorry

thinking of you and your boys

Love to you and your ds So sorry for your loss I hope you get all teh support you need

Very sorry :(

so sorry

So sorry :(