support thread for people with a baby and toddler finding it tough and not believing that there might be light at the end of the tunnel!!

[exasperatedmum]

I've posted numerous times before bemoaning the fact that my now nearly 3 year old dd is spirited/wilful/challenging etc etc, and drives me to distraction. Am on an emotional roller-coaster every day, and am shattered as 5 month old obviously not sleeping through, and bf every three hours. Every time I post I get a cluster of 'know how you feel' posts but no solutions as there are none, I know!! So I wondered if there is anyone else out there who feels like me, and whether we could sort of help each other through, because believe me there are days when I think I'm not going to make it!! I keep telling myself "She's only two" and "I'm in charge" but feel like I'm being run rings around. Can't decide if my expectations are too high, and I'm just turning into a witch of a Mum, or if I'm trying hard to have boundaries and be firm with a very non-compliant toddler. Baby has reflux so that isn't helping my general mood. I always thought I'd love parenthood, but honestly I find it the most difficult thing I've ever had to do, and would love to have just a teeny tiny break to revive my flagging spirits... but no chance. Anyone out there?!

Hi, yes the special moments are wonderful and do make it all worthwhile.
I wish my ds cried for only one hour.
I had a home water birth and dd was with us, but in and out of the room.
She has lashed out at him since birth really. I know it is frustation as he has a lot of my attention.
I try to have special time with her when he has his naps.

He has had xrays for spina bifida, blood tests,urine tests.

He has had bad nappies for over a month and doc said after a bug he could be temp. Lactose intolerant. I exclusively BF for around 7/8 month, then mixed with ff as he was showing less and less interest at bf
I have switched to Soya milk this last week.
He does suffer with trapped wind. (just been up to him now, fell back to sleep as soon as he had passed it)
I have bought some gripe water too.
Poo sample results came back all clear no Rota virus etc..

He is on antibiotics atm as he had swollen penis last week and awaiting swab results. Think water infection. Semms fine now.

I understand the poor boy as been through it since he was born,but overall seems/looks healthy. I have been scared to death and worried sick by docs and Hv concerns over his health and weight gain. (not exactly small birth weight at 10lb 2oz Now they think dd should see a team of psychologist due to what they class as extreme sibling rivalry.
My dh are I are falling out over his constant crying. He says he is just a mardy baby. I am always tring to justify it.
Could he just be a whinger so to speak??

ah I moan a lot don't I? sorry

JimmyMcnutty how do I know? How do I treat it. I do feel so sorry for him.

Dh thinks I have made him like this as I used the sling a lot. I do not agree with this though.

Bless you. An hour of crying a day was hard enough!
My vg friend has had her 2nd who had reflux and cried pretty constantly until they took him to specialist and got the meds. Now fine.

No not a whinger. Your dh is (probably) not with the dcs all day so doesn't know how truly awful it is to put up with that 24/7.

TBH think there must be more than just mardiness causing the constant crying. Is he any different with others? What I was thinking is maybe he;s picking up on your stress levels?

Hope you have a good nights sleep. Off to bed now but be on in the morning to see how you are. x

A couple of links for you no1:

Silent reflux symptoms

This is the chap who diagnosed ds1 - if you live anywhere near Sheffield that is where he practises (also has a clinic in London):

Dr Mike Thomson

We asked our GP (well, insisted) to refer us to him privately as she wasn't taking us seriously.

Thanks for links will have a look now. I am in Rotherham.

My dsis says she thought he was picking up on my stress levels too. However I have just been away with her and she couldnt believe how much he moaned and cried. She has 3 children.

He is crying again so speak in am.

Hi to Daisy!
No1, you sound like you have so much on and not a lot of support. I know how hard my DH finds DD crying (esp at night) and I feel like I have to defend her (she's not naughty, her teeth hurt (as if I know!))
And the extra worry about your eldest as well - keep moaning better out than in etc

I do leave the DC alone together, once I was in the kitchen and heard crying, went back in living room to find DD where I had left her lying on the floor, with DS lying on top of her, she had hold of a handful of his hair so he couldn't get up - it was him who was crying not her!

Completely of those whose babies sleep through. DD is 9mo and has a feed about now! and normally wakes in the night as well even though I don't feed her anymore - last night she was up from 4-530, that was hard.

jumpyjan a dream feed is simply one where you get your sleeping baby, change their nappy if you have to (sometimes good to stir them slightly), and give them a feed before they've had a chance to fully wake up. Slighty easier with breastfed babies but my dd was formula fed and we always managed to get her to take a bottle by gently rubbing the teat across her lips. Babies naturally want to suck and so are quite able to feed whilst asleep. Once they've finished I skip the burping and quickly put baby back to bed before they realise whats going on.

no1putsbabyinacorner I read your post and cant help but see similarities. We have just had my ds blood and urine results back for low muscle tone. He too had an mri for spina bifida, so far everything clear, just waiting for chromosome tests to come back. Whats your little one presenting, if you dont mind me asking? DS isnt a bit screamer but is very difficult to get to sleep. I've never been able to feed him and then put him down to sleep, instead it takes anywhere up to an hour, by which time its feeding time again!! Sorry your dh seems to be putting your los behaviour on you, Im sure carrying your lo in a sling has only had positive benefits. Im only just managing to get my ds into a carrier for trips out, hes just too heavy to carry all the time

Well a dream feed awaits and hopefully a full nights sleep

I have a 2.11 year old and an 11 week old. WHat has worked brilliantly for me is putting the bouncy chair high up on the kitchen worktop (with the baby in it) far out of reach of DD!

Morning everyone.
dd2 up from 1.15 til 3 then dd1 took over from 315 for half an hour.
Up at 7 so at least a bit later than the last few days 530 efforts.
Sakura- be careful with that my friends ds bounced his chair off the kitchen island onto the floor. Thankfully ok but shook my friend right up! 11 weeker prob not able to yet.
No1- how was your night?

Hi, hope everyone had a good night.

No1, I don't think it sounds like your DD has psych problems with DS! It sounds like normal sibling behaviour to me. I had this with DS1 and DD when DD was little and we did the whole no hitting thing, step thing and he did stop in the end. They have been fine with DS2 but now they are older they fight again between themselves!

Morning all

No1 - gosh, you sound very tired and sad - your poor DS1. Is he lactose intolerant? My friend's DS was exactly like you have described your DS for the first 4 months of his life until he was diagnosed as lactose intolerant and put on soya formula - he became a different baby overnight. He didn't show any other symptoms apart from screaming/crying constantly but my friend went through hell and has admitted that on several occasions she wished she had never had him during those early days As for your DD, it sounds like normal behaviour to me aswell - I really don't think a psychologist will help. Ds1 also probably hurts DS2 on a regular basis - either by pushing him over like a skittle (DS2 has only just started sitting up confidently!) or hitting him or biting his fingers - probably about once a week but still so infuriating as the rest of the time, he is lovely to him - really caring, wants to kiss and cuddle him, gives him his dummy etc - poor DS2 must think it is like living with Jekyll and Hyde and never sure which 'one' he is going to get

I do leave my 2 together now but only for 2 minutes maximum (trip to the loo, whilst I pop upstairs for something, go to the kitchen etc). 9 times out of 10, it is fine - the other 1 usually results in tears from DS2 and DS1 saying 'I didn't smack him'

I forgot to put that DS2 tends to shy away or cry when DS1 tries to kiss or cuddle him now which I find very but I guess that is because of 9 months of DS1's intermittent aggresive behaviour towards him

No1 - Oh you poor thing, that sounds really hard going. I hope that it is silent reflux only because then you may have an answer and therefore be able to treat it. My DS has reflux, but I know cos he throws up everywhere and all the time. When I started him on infant gaviscon two weeks ago, it immediately stopped. I hope you have the same luck.

With regards to your DD hitting, I would guess it is because of your DS's crying as she will see him (no offence at all here, purely from her angle) as an annoying, noisy competitor. It may not be that, that makes her do it, but it might. My friend has been in a similar situation whereby her DD was forever bashing and scratching her baby brother and it is extremely upsetting - although I should point out that her DS doesn't seem to have the crying issue as you unfortunately do - and she couldn't leave them for a second. I think the hard bit is how do you handle the hitting and how do you respond to it - trying to turn the negative attention into positive attention. I know the advice is to praise them for doing other things to the point of ridiculous, even over tiny little things and to put them at the centre of attention, when you say, eg 'this is Amy's little brother isn't it? He can be very noisy can't he? Oooh are you bringing him a nice hammer to play with? That's very kind but he's a bit little at the moment so we'll put that away just now, but aren't you kind..." It all seems ridiculous, but it can work wonders when constantly reinforced.

I apologise too if you have already tried all these techniques!

I have been so fortunate in that respect but I think my DD2 was just young enough NOT to be jealous when DS came along and as I have been lucky with him, she barely noticed him for the first couple of months.

I wish I had some answers for you, but don't feel like you shouldn't complain, or say something about it in RL - Just because you chose to have the two close together, does not mean you deserve to suffer!!!! No one would find your situation easy and I think you should speak to someone or a HV for more advice and support if you can.

Better go. My DD2 is screaming the house down she seems to have a cold but I think it might be the teething snot they seem to get.

Morning

Now heres how everyone should start their day... waiting for ds to have a poo! Oh the glamour of my life lol! Its amazing how you know you're going to have a terrible day cos your little babe has decided he doesnt want to poo now, so you feed and wait, but no nothing yet, lots of wind but no dirty nappy in sight. So now Im expecting the mother of all nappies and in the meantime no chance of getting him to sleep!!!!

I should be happy tho' as he didnt need feeding last night, just wish some of his nighttime sleep would make it into the daytime.

Quick question for all you bf mums - ds whos nearly 3mths always falls asleep when feeding, sometimes I think he cries for feed just so he can go to sleep. Anyways, am I making problems for the future by letting him do this? My dd was ff so Im a bit lost with the bf.

And how on earth do you get a bf baby into a routine???? With dd it was easy, just woke her at 7 gave her a bottle then gave her another one every 3hrs, eventually this moved to 4hrs. But with ds and bf Ive no idea of how to do it, or whether because hes been demand fed I should try at all. The only reason I ask is I have no idea when he will want feeding, and as I havent got him to take a bottle of ebm yet I cant do anything without him. Please help save my sanity

Well my coffees going cold so best drink it before the next round of feeds...

Morning!
No1 - it must be a nightmare to have to try and prevent the hitting. My DD just gives DS 'loving cuddles' which are more like a mix between the heimlich manouevre and full on smothering. For the first few months of DS's life, I had to virtually ignore him when DD was around, because every time I acknowledged his presence, DD would get into such a frenzy of 'love' for him that I was scared for his safety ( I would have to pull her off him kicking and screaming!). It makes me sad now when I think about it, as I am convinced that he was starved of attention from me, and he just looks so grateful now when we have some one on one time together. DD got better when DS was about 3 months old, but now he is 5mo and has started playing with toys, she has started again. I have a gate on his room so that he can play on his mat in safety when I am in the shower/toilet but it would probably be more apt to have the gate on DD's room!!!!!

Wavesthewhiteflag thanks for explaining that. I think I may try a dreamfeed tonight as DS keeps waking just as I have dropped off to sleep which makes it feel like I am getting up twice in the night. Thanks

Hi everyone Hope you are all well.

Wavesthewhiteflag so sorry to here you have been through the worry too.
Ds had xray for spina Bifida due to a bit of dark hair at the base of his spine.
All results were ok.
Urine test was for strange smelling urine, and not having many wet nappies.

Something did show up in results, so had to go back for more tests and blood tests.

Everything came back ok.

I agree that I don't think dd needs to be assessed. I know that all siblings argue at some point. She is only young and hopefully in time it will change and they bicker about something else.

I have tried lots of things.slickbird Naughty step didnt work because she hits then runs to step. Thanks for the tips though, I do try with the positive attention.

So I am trying the tactic of quietly saying no we don't hit so we?
Then cuddle ds.

Not sure if it will work (makes you feel guilty,like you are giving ds more attention) but I have heard from many it does work.

I keep repeating it is just a phase.
mumofeve How sweet with the cuddles, dd does occasionaly,but like you say gets a bit firm. iykwim.
Ceebee74 He has been on Soya milk for over a week and he had his first solid poo in a very long time the other day, but then had a vile one later that day.

I am feeling better today, so sorry for all my doom and gloom. I didnt want to take over the thread.
I would like to add that the support is wonderful here though. Thankyou.

As for him having reflux or truly being Lactose intolerant I have no idea.
I maybe could speak to a hv and see where to go from here.

He did suffer with tummy ache last night and woke twice. He goes to bed well and settled well after 2 big trumps.

Ooh sorry that was rather long

Hi - haven't read the whole thread but just wanted to reassure you from the 'other side'! I had a 4yr 5m ds with a 2yr 3 m dd1 and a newborn dd2. For several months I seriously wondered what on earth I had done....it was truly hideous and reading the op's post, I remember it well!! I once counted how many car seat fixings I had to sort out daily - it was 27....I cried and only then realised why my back was constantly sore. The first year was entirely awful, and only improved when dd2 started to walk. Things were interesting when no3 became a toddler, but really nothing like as bad as when no2 was one - I seemed to be permanently 'old bag like' then - 2 was the worst. Mine are now just 9, almost 7 and 4 1/2 - all will be at school next week and apart from INCREDIBLY loud - they're a breeze....roll on the teenage years!!xx

No1, it does sound very similar to a friend's DS2 who was miserable until they diagnosed silent reflux - much happier baby. (think it might be same friend as girlsyearapart?)

When DS gets better, you'll probably find it gets better with your DD as you'll be able to share your time out better. And when he gets older too it'll be easier as they'll be able to share more easily. She is very likely to be getting attention through the hitting ~ is it possible just to ignore the little hitting but make a BIG deal of her when she plays nicely/shares etc etc (to just reward the positive behaviour with attention)

It is tough

Thanks cluckyagain. It is so good to hear from people who have survived the first few years.

I feel guilty every evening when I sit down and think of all the things I think I should have done with the kids, read more stories, be more patient etc but I just feel so exhausted most of the day. I keep telling myself that I am doing my best. I took them for a walk this morning, fed the ducks, made them breakfast, lunch and tea. Cleared up mess, changed nappies etc. But I look at other families and feel like they are doing more, which i'm sure isn't always the case.

Sorry for gloomy post just had to tell someone as I don't like to talk to DH about such things as it sounds a bit bonkers to him! I love them so much but I guess feel bad that I am pg again and don't want them to look back and say I didn't have time beacuse I stretched myself too thinly. Does anyone else feel like this?

Hope you all enjoyed the lovely sunshine today.

My grandson is 2yrs 9 months, and is not unintelligent. My daughter is making second attempt at potty training. Weeing on the potty is manageable when at home or somewhere very familiar, and I think that side of it will sort itself out over next few days. However, he doesn't want to let go of his poo unless it is in his pants. He has done a poo in the potty once, but it was several days ago and he was v pleased. He is getting absolutely all the love and attention appropriate to the whole process, and just wonder whether anyone else has had similar problems.

no1putsbabyinthecorner - I can soooooo relate to you, my DS (20 months) "attacks" my poor DS (5 weeks) I am hawk eyed all day making sure he doesnt hurt her. He always goes for her face and head by scratching her or slapping her, shes got 2 scars on her face where hes scratched it so bad am really hoping they fade.

But dare i risk saying it?! - Today hes been really good to her, well not nice to her or anything, just not really hitting her. Instead he was showing the love by cuddling her - too hard for my liking, but its an improvement i guess!

No doubt he'll be back to his usual self tomorrow though

Hi all. Nimblenana yes we also have more of a problem with poo than wee on the potty. Today she did twice in her pants but normally she says wee or potty sits down says no gets up repeat times 10 until poo is there and she is screaming and crying and standing over potty looking in horror between her legs.
Not a happy situation! From other friends I've asked advice from they have nearly all said wee was easier and lots 'held' the poo at first. THink it's just a time thing.

Becky- I totally agree with the spreading yourself too thinly thing. We have decided to try for another soon and I'm hoping I won;t be a horrible moody ratty pregnant person who will take it out on the dds.. we shall see x

Sounds likes a mixed day - I suppose we can't all have good days at the same time, or even all day!

Today has been mostly nice. Hit tesco first thing and DS was pretty good, sat in trolley (couldn't find a 2kid one without a baby seat so had DD in sling) and helped me look for eggs etc. He loves the checkout cos I lift him into the main bit of the trolley and he helps put the shopping on the conveyor! He was so good we went to the cafe for juice and cake - he even sat and ate it!
Then they both fell asleep on the way home - and I managed to get them bot into their beds for over an hour of joint naps! Oh the small triumphs which make the day bearable.

Then a friend came round with her newly adopted little boy who is over a year older than DS but pretty much on his level developmentally and they were pretty good at sharing/taking turns/being distracted by other toy with only minor refereeing! Much better than I'd feared anyway

DD was horrid at teatime though, she'd only had a short afternoon nap, I think I put her down too late, but then she was too tired to eat, and too hungry to sleep and just crying and howling and wanting mummy (big time velcro baby mummy's girl) Happy as a pig in mud when we put her in the bath though, played and splashed for much longer than I expected. Unlike DS who is going through a massive I don't want a bath phase atm, acting really tired and whingey, trying to climb out, just wants to go to bed, but won't settle once he's in bed.

Bedtime was a bit of a mission as DS kept getting out of bed to tell DD off for crying when I was ignoring her to get her to settle herself, then he gets told off for being out of bed......

Sorry for going on about my happy day but I got a block of 5hrs sleep last night and feel good on it! DD was in our room as no-one was settling yesterday evening, but they are back in the same room, going to dream feed rather than wait for her to wake and ask for it - fingers crossed!
Every so often I have a small hope that I can do this, and DS is at nursery tomorrow