Problem with DS2 and I don't agree with DH's solution

[FabBakerGirlIsBack]

DS2 is just 4 and since he was 3 he has come down in the morning and helped himself to food. Always chocolate. He isn't doing it because he is hungry, he just wants the chocolate and knows it is wrong as we have told him not to do it.

Last week he had some of my chocolate and said he was just checking it was okay.

This morning I came down to get a box of Roses I had left out to take into school today for a Mum who had helped me yesterday. They had been put in the cupboard and I assumed by DH. I got them out and DS2 had opened them and helped himself to three, and then put them back in the cupboard (hiding the evidence,)

DH wants to put a lock on the door so he can't come out. I am 100% against this and will look for something to keep the cupboard door from being opened by DS2.

Any ideas to get him to stop? I am giving him a sticker for staying in his room after he has been put to bed at night and wondering about extending that to staying upstairs until DH or I are up.

He once ate some cooking chocolate and I worry one day he will eat something he really shouldn't have and make himself ill.

I have to go to school now but thank you in advance for any advice.

Just one last thing, what do you do if you disagree with something your DH wants to do/use as discipline? Who gets the final say?

BTW I will win this one. There is no way he is locking him in.

oh they're easy to open - I gave up with fridge locks too after spending about £20 on various different ones to try

Have just noticed the other part to the OP, about resolving differences with DHs.

DP and I have a rule that if either of us feels very strongly that something SHOULDN'T happen, then it doesn't. End of discussion. An example: I had to return to work full time when DS was only 5 months old, but was adamant that he shouldn't go to nursery from 8-6 at that age so nursery was immediately taken off the list of possibilities (not trying to restart the old SAHM/WOHM or nursery v. other childcare debates, just trying to give you an example).

We also have a secondary rule that if either of us feels very strongly that something SHOULD happen then the other has to have damn fine reasons for blocking it. DP really wants DS to start at nursery part time when he turns two because DP thinks it will be good for DS's socialisation (and, between us, DS is a bit spoilt). Although nursery is still not my preferred option, I don't have the same objections as I had to FT nursery at 5 months, so to nursery he will go.

Applying our rules to your situation: you feel very strongly that your DS shouldn't be locked in his room - so he won't be. Your DH feels very strongly that something needs to be done - so no doubt you will (you're taking the first step by seeking advice from us experts on MN!).

CinnnabarRed, to every action, there is an inaction. You framed the situation as a Should Not (OP does not want to lock) but it can equally be framed as a Should (her dh wants to lock).

Sorry for glib post earlier - hadn't refreshed the page before I posted

FAB, I think you're getting a bit of a roasting and I don't think you deserve it.

My dd, 10 next month, has always helped herself to food. TBH we don't mind. On the whole she chooses to eat fruit, cucumber, carrot or bread, and for some reason will always ask before she takes chocolate! I have no idea why this has happened and I can assure you it has absolutely nothing to do with our parenting skills. But then, I am always being told how charming, funny, interesting etc she is, and that's not got much to do with us either.

I really have no idea how you can stop him except simply not having chocolate in the house at all. Oh, could you hide it in your underwear drawer or something?! Sorry I can't help with your op problem, but am in solidarity with you and FAQ over food-stealing-child.

He will soon be old enough to control his impulses, so you might just have to wait for that.

Thank you Jux.

I do feel got at as tbh every time I post for advice on parenting I get told, imo, what I am doing wrong and it gets me down.

I was serious about the petty cash tin, Fab - do you think he's get into one of those?

I must have missed your post, Habbibu. Will look now.

dead locks on kitchen door. we have them on the living room and kitchen doors for these very reasons, lock them when you go to bed and put the key out of reach and re-open when you wake up.

blueshoes, you're absolutely right in your observation.

The outcome of our 'rule' is that the Should Not way of framing any situation is the one that wins. Here, I think the critical issue is whether or not FabBakerGirl's DS should be locked in his room. FBG thinks their DS shouldn't be locked in his room; her DH thinks he should - and Should Not wins.

(The situation could be interpreted as: FBG's DH thinks their DS shouldn't be out of his room in the morning and that locking him in is the only way; FBG girl thinks he should be allowed out of his room. But from FBG's posts, I don't think the issue is whether her DS is in or out of his bedroom, but whether he's in or out of the chocolate box! So this interpretation doesn't get to the heart of the issue in the same way that the first interpretation does.)

It's not exactly scientific but it seems to be a good way to help us evaluate how strongly we really feel about any areas of disagreement. And no doubt there will be many examples of the rule breaking down in the future... probably when DP and I can't agree exactly what the key point of disagreement actually is

Another way of looking at it is that it tends to maintain the status quo.

I have decided not to buy any more choc and tell DS2 why when he asks for some. Will see what else he takes and then buy one small thing and see if he can be trusted to leave it until I give it to him.

I have also ordered a cupboard lock.

He helped himself to something last week so at teatime DS1 and DD were given something chocolatey but not him as we told him he had already had his. Didn't seem to bothered.

Sounds like a good plan, Fab. And I guess if you have to buy presents (like in the OP), you could put them somewhere like your wardrobe?

Sounds really sensible - no point in turning life into a battle if you don't need to.

I personally believe that the average 4 year old is more than capable enough to come downstairs on their own and help themselves to a snack. (DD is allowed to take a banana)

I would hide the chocolate and just leave fruit and cereal out with perhaps his own 'special' jug of milk in the fridge

Seems cruel to deny a hungry child a snack first thing and even more cruel to deny the parents a lie in

What you did last week is eminently sensible. I seem to remember saying something similar to dd in the dim and distant past - no, you ate it this morning so you've had yours. I also seem to remember having this said to me at some point in my childhood. Children do understand this sort of thing, particularly as it is fair and children are very interested in fairness. Well done.

My ds is just turned 5 and helps himself to food before I get up. Fortunately he usually chooses something healthy. If he was tempted by chocolate I would just keep it in somewhere that he won't look, ie not in the kitchen. Is there something you could encourage him to eat as an alternative?

If I tell ds not to do something sometimes he obeys and sometimes he doesn't. I think that is the nature of most children that age - always pushing to see what they can get away with. Sounds normal to me.

Nice to see this has calmed down a bit.

Normally presents would be in my bedroom cupboard but it was bought yesterday to give today and if I had come home in my car instead of DHs it would have been left in there out of little tinkers boys way.

Ds (7yrs) is a bit of a food thief. He often wakes early and comes downstairs and eats biscuits. During the day, he will occasionally, take something upstairs and eat it.

It used to drive me nuts. However, it doesn't so much anymore.

I hide chocolate away (currently in an empty lunch bag) and he does not know where. Funnily enough, dd(4yrs) does know where it is but has never told him.

I figure that he is long and wiry so the extra calories won't harm. I try to suggest that he takes fruit or cheese if he needs to have something (so he just has it as well as the biscuits) and tell him that the biscuits need to last for x days as I will not buy more before then. He sometimes has to do without biscuits for packed lunch but that is his own fault.

I enjoy the extra time (especially at weekends) in bed whilst they potter, watch tv, eat biscuits and so have come to terms with the fact that raided kitchen cupboards is the price we have to pay for that!

I like the post, a few pages back, about finding ones child's currency. For ds it is friends home for tea, being allowed to go to the shop after school, having a beano once a week, computer time. I just don't feel the food raids are such a problem that need tackling. We have plenty of others that do need tackling though

ps; ds openned biscuits meant for dd's picnic this morning so I had to rustle something else up instead [grr].

We haven't found our kids currency yet..

hi i have 2 boys who are very willful too(baby and 3.5yr)Luckly ds1 has never come out of his room or even got out of his bed without waiting for us to go in and tell him he's allowed HOWEVER im sure ds2 wil be just the opposite!!! I have also worked in Reception class for over 10 years and have come across quite a few children(usually boys!!) who we tried every trick in the book(and all the ones of the SEN people who came in!) and after a few weeks the particular trick ceased having any effect.
Anyway back to the point!! Although i don't agree with everything that has been said on here maybe the suggestion of the alarm on the childs door might work as at least it'll wake you up. ( until he works out how to de-alarm it!)
Also maybe go back and try all of the things you've tried before they may work the 2nd time round.
Realy feel for you all I know my boys will be trying my patience even more in acouple of years.

ds' currency definitely became more obvious as he got older

In fact we introduced pocket money about a year ago so that I could threaten to reduce it, a penny at a time, if he didn't do as he was told

For some reason, this thread reminded me of a recent blog post I read. The post has an internal link http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/199409/gallagher to an article that I didn't read. Anyway, the gist is that children that don't respond to threats, bribes and punishments are just like that, it's part of their temperament. Perhaps understanding that some children don't feel the need to please their parents, nor do they have a fear of consequences, would help in situations like this. Sorry this doesn't give advice, but a little sympathy maybe?

Sorry, my links and what not haven't worked well. You'll have to cut and paste the last one.