Problem with DS2 and I don't agree with DH's solution

[FabBakerGirlIsBack]

DS2 is just 4 and since he was 3 he has come down in the morning and helped himself to food. Always chocolate. He isn't doing it because he is hungry, he just wants the chocolate and knows it is wrong as we have told him not to do it.

Last week he had some of my chocolate and said he was just checking it was okay.

This morning I came down to get a box of Roses I had left out to take into school today for a Mum who had helped me yesterday. They had been put in the cupboard and I assumed by DH. I got them out and DS2 had opened them and helped himself to three, and then put them back in the cupboard (hiding the evidence,)

DH wants to put a lock on the door so he can't come out. I am 100% against this and will look for something to keep the cupboard door from being opened by DS2.

Any ideas to get him to stop? I am giving him a sticker for staying in his room after he has been put to bed at night and wondering about extending that to staying upstairs until DH or I are up.

He once ate some cooking chocolate and I worry one day he will eat something he really shouldn't have and make himself ill.

I have to go to school now but thank you in advance for any advice.

Just one last thing, what do you do if you disagree with something your DH wants to do/use as discipline? Who gets the final say?

BTW I will win this one. There is no way he is locking him in.

bolts or hook fasteners would be no good for any of my children - I can't move the dining room chairs from the dining room so they'd just drag them over .

Thank goodness I only have one food taker - it's hard keeping tabs on just the food that one child has taken without 3 of then LOL.

Agree locking ds in would be bloody dangerous. Glad to see you have trying to lock the chocolate in instead!

I use these on all my cabinets in my kitchen. My FIL cannot figure them out lol and they are good and cheap too...

www.lindam.com/store/locks.html

'are' trying...

I have ordered a lock now.

Thank you to all who have helped.

Oh God, I feel your pain.

My 3 year old DD is forever making her self drinks, which result in a lake of orange/apple juice/milk in the kitchen. Our frige has a curved door so I can't put a lock on it, and however many times I tell her to just flippin' ask if she wants a drink, she still does it every day.

Obviously something wrong with me/my DD/my parenting too then.

I know posters may seem a bit rude on these issues sometimes, and we all have weak spots where our kids behave like demons and they just WON'T BEHAVE

However, i agree that you are the parent. your kid is 4. You are in charge and need to exert your authority.

My dcs used to come downstairs (not to eat, just to play and put TV on). I was worried about safety issues as if I am asleep who is in charge? I told them very firmly and with a few repeats

"You can play in your room, visit your sibling if they are awake but you DO NOT GO DOWNSTAIRS"

And they don't. They are 3 and 6.

Infact, on the odd occasion when i would like an extra hour in bed (new Years Day for example) I left a breakfast snack in their rooms for when they got up. Could you leave your ds a snack in his room so he doesn't feel the need to wander at all?

Am I the only person who has sometimes removed temptation before it became an issue because I don't want our entire lives to be dominated by punishments and confiscations and reward charts? I know parents whose entire interaction with their children seems to revolve around threats and naughty steps and one more toy confiscated. To my mind that is a miserable way to live. Not of course that any Mumsnetter would . But I could see myself easily getting into that spiral, if I didn't try to be a bit more pro-active.

Well said Cory. I bloody love chocolate but would rather not have any/hide it very well ( in the rice cooker on top of the fridge, if you are looking for dh's secret cashew nuts) than have to be going into battle first thing in the morning.

Tell him the chocolate monster sleeps in the kitchen at night time

gemmiegolaegs - oh right. So all I have to say is DON'T GO DOWNSTAIRS. Silly me.

Lucky you whose children do as they are told. I have four. Three don't take food, trash rooms, break things in anger etc. One does. Taking toys away, stickers charts, positive parenting. None of it works. He does something he shouldn't, he gets told not to, explained why, sanctions applied. He does it again the next day and the next until he is bored of whatever trick it is. We don't have a door to our kitchen, so can't lock it, and stair gates are pointless for a stong, climber child. He can climb onto kitchen counters without needing a chair, and will throw things (books, apples for example) to knock things down from anywhere he can't climb to.
Thus we have put a lock on his door. He was getting out at night, coming down watching TV, letting himself out in to the garden, into the street (keys are on a set of very high hooks, which he has learnt to get to. They can't be any higher or I can't reach them!), helping himself to food (not chocolate - we don't have any in the house), leaving the freezer open etc etc.
I hated the idea of the lock but (1) it is no different to those doors that have tall handles which children can't reach (2) no different to younger child who can't in the event of fire get themselves out of their room and (3) is actually for his own safety.
If anyone here has a better suggestion I haven't thought of, please do advise, but I suspect it doesn't exist. Some children are just bl88dy hard work, and nicely-does-it parenting can't always be applied. My other three btw, behave beautifully, and are appalled at DS2's antics.

FBG - I don't think that either grammaticus or posie are saying that they are perfect parents - they are simply suggesting that you might want to use a different approach to dealing with this?

I'd agree with them that perhaps some form of punishment/reward thing might work

They might not be saying they are perfect parents but they are insinuating that I am crap but not being able to make my son stop.

This kind of thing makes me think twice about asking for help on here. I've been lucky so far with genuine, helpful and kind advice.

Don;t worry though. There are only a couple of know it all perfect parents on here, the rest of us are as crap as you!!

I did leave this thread thinking that I'd not really offered support, however we all need a kick up the arse with our parenting sometimes, a three/four year old taking food is one of those times, or so I thought.

I have near perfect children , the oldest is spiteful, the second is very noisy, the third is two and the fourth is a baby.....

I think taking food is very naughty and I'm assuming you have said no and it hasn't worked because it probably hasn't been the top of your agenda. Your child is not yet overweight, it doesn't hurt anyone and it's only a little chocolate. In the beginning it was probably quite cute and funny that he sought it out.

You now have to be serious about it and quite dramatic if you want your child to know what was once okay and now is not. If he goes down in the morning and takes food then no TV/PC etc. He'll soon get the message.

I would hide it or put it out of reach. I don't think my ds would be able to resist temptation, I know I couldn't!

All I was saying is that it is a little damning that you have to lock food away, who is going to lock the cars away that may run him over, or put a lock on the river he may jump in?

"If he goes down in the morning and takes food then no TV/PC etc. He'll soon get the message. "

ermm no they don't all - no TV, no this no that no the other, reward charts, sticker charts, you name it we've tried it and with some children it DOESN'T WORK.

And before you tell me it's obviously not a priority - well actually yes it is - if I buy a value multipack of biscuits - I expect it to last at least 1 1/2 weeks (there's 5 of us). I don't have the money to be going replacing food constantly so yes it is a big deal - and if you have a magic formula with your perfect parenting them I'd be delighted to know what it is.

With any due respect, I don't need a kick up the backside wrt my parenting. I already know I am doing lots of things wrong. That is why I came on here asking for help.

No, it has never been cute or funny. He isn't overweight, not that that is relevant to me.

Of course we have told him not to do it and explained why, not sure how you get that that means it isn't top of my agenda.

Actually, taking the tv away has no effect.

I too have a very, er, wilful son. There are countless things he does/has done over the years where people have been horrified and say things like "Well I wouldn't stand for that, just say no and make a consequence if he doesn't". With my son it is just not as simple as that - I have tried explaining, asking, telling, (shouting etc - not good), incentives, sticker charts, punishments (cancel outing, take away toy, take away pocket money etc) and nothing works. (Our main issues are around sleep - rising early, marauding round the house waking everyone, doing unacceptable/dangerous things while we're asleep, not settling at night etc etc). I also have a dd who, upon being told "No" once or poss twice just says "Ok mummy, sorry mummy", so I honestly don't think it's just me "doing it wrong", some children are very wilful. With your chocolate example I think you must simply put locks on the food cupboards as others have said. Owing to set up of our kitchen all our food is in one tall cupboard and it had a child lock on it till youngest was 5 because I just didn't want them taking things out at random times. It was a small plastic lock at the very top of door - couple of pounds from Mothercare I think, and did the trick as they realised they could not open that cupboard. Good luck.

My last post was to posie.

Buy him his own chocolate - do not have any more in the house where he can see it or can get to it - tell him, here is your chocolate, when it is gone, it is gone, you can chose when you eat it but there will be no more.

Then FAQ and Fab, I would not buy biscuits or chocolate and explain to the child that this is because he can't be trusted not to take any.

I cannot believe that this is a priority but you can't get a four year old to do as he's told. I think you have not found your child's currency... if TV doesn't work find something else that will. I do not believe that a four year old cannot be stopped from going downstairs, I would keep him by my side at all times until he stopped.

My oldest, very lazy child, decided he wouldn't wash his hands after going to the toilet. So after much trial and error I waited outside the bathroom door every time he went to the loo....

posie - if I don't buy those thing - he takes breakfast cereal, fruit, "lunch" things from the freezer, bread, drinks the milk.

Are you telling me I shouldn't have those in either??