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Original poster

Problem with DS2 and I don't agree with DH's solution

190 replies

FabBakerGirlIsBack · 09/07/2009 08:28

DS2 is just 4 and since he was 3 he has come down in the morning and helped himself to food. Always chocolate. He isn't doing it because he is hungry, he just wants the chocolate and knows it is wrong as we have told him not to do it.

Last week he had some of my chocolate and said he was just checking it was okay.

This morning I came down to get a box of Roses I had left out to take into school today for a Mum who had helped me yesterday. They had been put in the cupboard and I assumed by DH. I got them out and DS2 had opened them and helped himself to three, and then put them back in the cupboard (hiding the evidence,)

DH wants to put a lock on the door so he can't come out. I am 100% against this and will look for something to keep the cupboard door from being opened by DS2.

Any ideas to get him to stop? I am giving him a sticker for staying in his room after he has been put to bed at night and wondering about extending that to staying upstairs until DH or I are up.

He once ate some cooking chocolate and I worry one day he will eat something he really shouldn't have and make himself ill.

I have to go to school now but thank you in advance for any advice.

Just one last thing, what do you do if you disagree with something your DH wants to do/use as discipline? Who gets the final say?

BTW I will win this one. There is no way he is locking him in.

OP posts:
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Original poster
FabBakerGirlIsBack · 09/07/2009 15:37

If nothing else, it is interesting how alike my children to look at but have different temprements.

OP posts:
pranma · 09/07/2009 15:43

Lock the kitchen door not his room-use a key if need be and take it to bed with you-or a strong,high bolt with a padlock!he will soon get used to it being locked and you can remove it.

AddictedtoCrunchies · 09/07/2009 15:46

Fab I've just read the whole post and I don't think you're a crap mum. You've given me some great advice before when I was at the end of my tether and a crap mum wouldn't take the time out to hep someone else.

AddictedtoCrunchies · 09/07/2009 15:46

*help even.

Original poster
FabBakerGirlIsBack · 09/07/2009 15:53
Smile
OP posts:
blueshoes · 09/07/2009 16:27

Jfly: "Anyway, the gist is that children that don't respond to threats, bribes and punishments are just like that, it's part of their temperament. Perhaps understanding that some children don't feel the need to please their parents, nor do they have a fear of consequences, would help in situations like this. "

Agree that some children are like this. That is why they need to discover the consequences for themselves and internalise it, rather than through externally imposed sanctions like carrots and sticks.

Hence, my suggestion to let OP's ds have all the choc he can eat, until he is sick. I am a choc fiend myself but even I can get jaded if I have too much. Take the forbidden fruit element out of it.

buy1get1free · 09/07/2009 16:57

Hide the bloody chocolate .... not rocket science !!

Original poster
FabBakerGirlIsBack · 09/07/2009 16:59

whatever

OP posts:
KidsAreNotAllTheSame · 09/07/2009 17:02

buy1get1free - read the thread.
If you have and still think it is simple, please go and polish your halo elsewhere. Thank you.

PinkTulips · 09/07/2009 18:30

blueshoes... i totally agree with that statement, my kids have always needed to understand the 'why' to any rule we impose, they understand 'don't run in a carpark because a car could hit you and hurt you very badly' alot better than they understand 'don't run or i won't let you watch tv'

MrsKitty · 09/07/2009 18:35

cupboard lock These will work on doors with knobs on, provided the door knobs are next to each other (i.e. double doored cupboard that opens outwards IYSWIM)

Original poster
FabBakerGirlIsBack · 09/07/2009 18:36

Thank you Miss Kitty.

I always tell my kids why I don't want them to do something.

OP posts:
nappyaddict · 09/07/2009 18:41

Only read the OP so sorry if this has already been said but I would have thought the obvious solution would be to either put a cupboard lock on the goodies cupboard or a stairgate on the kitchen door or his bedroom door.

FAQinglovely · 09/07/2009 19:05

just a word of warning about hdiing chocolates in your wardrobe/underwear drawer...........

a determined child will still find them......as I discoverd to my cost when I went to have one of my Thornton's I was given for my birthday to find them finished

greenelephant · 09/07/2009 22:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FAQinglovely · 10/07/2009 00:47

greenelephant - did you read my post about my DH as a child with the bread? The had the fear of god (well not literal as they didn't believe in a god but you know what I mean) put into them over things such as stealing...........it didn't put them off stealing the inside of the loafs of bread from the pantry across the other side of the homestead

Pennybubbly · 10/07/2009 04:31

Read this thread with interest.
Don't think anyone's being a crap mother at all.
Thankfully not had this problem (so far) with either of my dcs, but not putting that down to my brilliant motherhood either .
However. I DO remember doing this as a child myself . I used to be an extremely early riser (5am ish) and would therefore often get a bit peckish an hour or so after I got up. Remember helping myself to crackers, but also kitkats, chocolate biscuits (don't remember CHOCOLATE chocolate ever being there, sadly, but no doubt would have eaten that if it was )
So, why did I do it? I was hungry, didn't fancy the boring weetabix / Porridge Oats we had in the cupboard, and chocolate is yummy isn't it? Nothing more, nothing less. However, the supermarket shop was done once a week, so when the biscuits were finished, the biscuits were finished.
I think I also felt something along the lines of "got to have my fair share as well as my older db" - could it be that the dc of those posters with both kids that do nick and kids that don't feel something like this? Do they lose out to their siblings in other ways that they may need to make up for by taking the odd extra chocky?
Perhaps the dc that took the couple of Roses wanted knew that they were for something important and wanted/ needed the attention of mum?
Please note I'm not implying you're a neglectful mum here! Trying to give an alternative view of someone who has been that child (and is neither a kleptomaniac nor overweight as an adult).
Now, where did I hide that Fruit and Nut....

seeker · 10/07/2009 06:11

I agree with the hide the chocolate camp.

But I always a bit surprised when people talk about children 'stealing' food. They're not stealing, they are getting themselves something to eat from the kitchen of the house where they live.

Original poster
FabBakerGirlIsBack · 10/07/2009 08:13

That is what I feel, seeker, and I was surprised when DH said to DS2 he had stolen. I have got that in my head now. But he knows we don't want him sneaking down, and throughout the day he asks when he is hungry and says what he wants and most time he gets what he wants, or at least something.

I was never fed as a child so really really do not want my children to ever feel hungry but I worry that one day he will eat something he shouldn't.

I also worry it means I am not feeding him properly.

This morning he came down and tore open a new box of crackers and had one/some of those.

OP posts:
CinnabarRed · 10/07/2009 08:34

He is a little pickle, isn't he?!

When he asks for food during the day, does he normally make sensible choices? And is he properly hungry, do you think, or is he wanting something else from the food you give him (comfort, attention from Mum, opportunity to get his share before siblings, etc etc)?

If he's generally sensible with his daytime attitudes to food, then I'm wondering whether he might be genuinely hungry/low blood sugar first thing on waking.

blueshoes · 10/07/2009 09:04

Fab, I see your ds has now gone for crackers.

I don't think your ds' thought process is any more complicated than as pennybubbly describes and also some low blood sugar as per cinnabar.

Can your ds choose a (suitably healthy) snack the night before to leave by his bed for when he wakes, so he breaks the association with raiding the cupboard.

I cannot get my head around the concept of 'stealing' food either. The food in the cupboard belongs to the family to be shared in accordance with agreed rules eg no eating all at one go so nothing for anyone else. As far as I can see, your ds is quite restrained (just 3 roses) and seems to be able to exercise self-control.

I see it as a foible, this wanting to raid the cupboard in the morning. Since you are already hiding the sinful stuff like chocs, you could just leave out the crackers and healthy stuff for him to take. A small concession on your/dh's part that shows flexibility and ability to 'not sweat the little stuff' in the day-to-day give-and-take of family life.

I have a cupboard full of goodies, including chocs and biscuits, that is at floor level and the dcs and anybody in the house can access. Sure, there were tantrums when they were not allowed to eat 5 choc hobnobs in a sitting, but by-and-large they don't go to that cupboard much. They are far more likely to ask for toast and oranges for snacks than sweeties and chocs.

I don't like to attach emotional value to food. It is to be enjoyed, the sinful in moderation. In terms of picking battles with wilful children, I choose not to battle on food or ration it or imbue it with a forbidden flavour.

Of course, it is up to you and dh to set the priorities and structure your household accordingly in the light of your dc's nature. Just wanted to give an alternative tack to the dominant view on this thread.

seeker · 10/07/2009 09:20

Pleaae will someone explain to me what the problem is with a 4 year old going into the kitchen of his own house and eating some crackers?????

cory · 10/07/2009 10:03

A few years ago, we were living to quite a tight budget, so I had to keep some control over what was eaten. Not that anyone had to starve, but if one person ate all the crackers, we couldn't just go out and buy a new packet, because the money wasn't there.

Even now, there are things that I don't want eaten- the bananas that are going in tonight's curry, the biscuits that I'm taking round to my friend's house later- and in the OPs case it's very reasonable not to want the chocolates eaten that she had bought as a gift. But that applies to me and dh as much as to the children. Not about morality or stealing, just being practical.

I've got mine trained to ask before they help themselves to anything other than toast- but then they are considerably older than the OPs child. When they were little, I think I did rely on hiding/locking things away. I also spelled out very clearly what they were not allowed to have.

I think it helped to have something they were allowed to have. Crackers sounds good.

cory · 10/07/2009 10:04

If your ds keeps sneaking down in the mornings, any chance of training him to bring you breakfast in bed?

FAQinglovely · 10/07/2009 10:07

seeker the problem in my house is that money is very tight (at the moment in particular the only money we have guaranteed to come in during this month is the child benefit - if someone finishes all of something then we can't just go out and replace it, and when the said person doesn't even tell you that they've eaten things it means that I don't even know what food we still have in the house)