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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

I don't think ds got off to a good start with his new head this morning. How can I help him?

167 replies

scrooged · 02/03/2009 13:04

"So you're in year 5?" (head teacher)

"might be" (ds)

"I think you are in year 5"

"could be"

"Are you nervous?"

"No, I don't get nervous"

"I think we need to work on the mannars here"

OP posts:

Buda · 04/03/2009 00:04

scrooged - he is a boy. A 7/8/9/10 year old boy. They all act silly and dumb and stupid and rude at times. Honestly. They do. Mine does. It's what they DO. As adults we need to guide them and tell them that it is not on. They do not speak to people like that. It is rude.

I arrived at school on Monday at 2.30 to hear reading and was warned by the TA that they would be late as they had to do 2 mins penitent silence on teh mat. After 20 mins I went looking for them. They had ALL been told off and were having 5 mins on mat as they had not lined up properly. It took the teacher 15 mins to achieve the silence she required on line-up. She is not normally so strict but she said she had had enough and needed to show who was boss.

I have seen some of your previous posts about your DS before. He sounds very bright. However you and he stand a risk of him turning into a precocious brat if you do not reign him in a bit. You may think he is just a bright 'indigo' type but unfortunately the rest of the world won't. That is just the way it is.

So while I am not saying you should try and change him, he is bright enough to realise how he needs to deal with people.

Original poster

scrooged · 04/03/2009 00:07

I'd treat him the same if he wasn't bright Buda. He's a child so he needs to learn to be polite, even if he doesn't feel like it because this is how it is in the real world. It would help if I didn't ask for advice when he slips up though as it sounds as if he's like this all the time.

Like your name

OP posts:

Horsewithnoname · 04/03/2009 00:14

That's the problem on MN though Scrooged. People only see one aspect of the situation, because that's how the posting thing works. It is almost impossible to give a rounded picture.
Your DS does sound very bright and you are clearly aware of the issues with regard to how he presents himself.
What does he think of this change of school and what are you hoping will change for him as a result of the move?

Buda · 04/03/2009 00:17

Hi scrooged. My name is where I am!

I feel bad that you are being attacked but you sound intelligent enough to stand back at the mo and think 'hang on - are they right?'

My DS is an only child and fairly bright and as he is with adults most of the time (and watches American TV the rest of the time ) he comes out with some goodies.

I am very aware that my DS gets away with lots more than his pals do because he is an only. He also HAS lots more than his pals as he is an only. I used to fight it but then thought 'fuck it - there have to be some benefits to being on your own!'

All I am trying to say is be careful to stand back and really look at his behaviour objectively and judge it.

Original poster

scrooged · 04/03/2009 00:20

He's happy, they are more laid back (may not be a good thing). I'm hoping he makes friends closer to home so he can spend the hoildays with someone other then me. I don't think it's helping him socially being around me all the time (other then at school). He needs friends his own age. It's alot closer so I'm not spending 3 hours taking him, going to work, then collecting him and bringing him home, he'll have more time after school so he can go back to the all male breakdancing club. I can take him on holiday with the fees I'm saving so he can see how other people live. This is the plan, I may not be right though but I'm giving it a shot. You never know until you try right?

OP posts:

Horsewithnoname · 04/03/2009 00:22

They all sound like good reasons to me.

Original poster

scrooged · 04/03/2009 00:26

Hi Buda.
I don't mind but I'd rather they knew the whole of ds, not just the 'ARHG' bits but I'm accused of making excuses when I do this. He did make a mistake and he recognises this and I know that he won't do it again however he does have a habit of things like this and it needs pointing out to him, then he won't repeat it if this makes sense. I don't let him get away with alot, it's not helpful to him in the future. Bright or not, no one wants to employ someone who's rude or can't work with other people. I'm trying to be objective, I know there's alot more to him then this though and in the scheme of little sod's, he's far from the top. He needs tweaking here and there though, no one's perfect.

OP posts:

Original poster

scrooged · 04/03/2009 00:27

Thanks

OP posts:

cory · 04/03/2009 09:18

Well, it doesn't sound to me like the school incident was that much of a disaster. He sounded rude, possibly unintentionally, he was pulled up on this both by yourself and by the head. He apologised. Sounds good so far.

I think you are finding out one psychological truth though and that is that if you try to bring in other sides of your ds into this discussion, with the best of intentions, then there is a risk that it will sound like you are making excuses. And that will immediately make people suspect that maybe you lack firmness. Which I don't think the present instance showed at all.

I think you would see this for yourself if you played out the scenario in your own head. If somebody else's child was rude to you in the playground, you might decide to overlook it or to think perhaps he didn't mean it. But what if his mum came rushing up and started talking about what a lovely boy he was and how bright he was and explaining that he was an indigo child? Wouldn't that make you feel that she was making excuses? That the present concerns weren't being addressed?

Nothing at all wrong with telling us what a lovely boy your ds is. I am sure he is. But it is all about context.

Anyway, doesn't sound at all as if you've blown it with the new head. I am sure he will be fine. And it may well be that this new school is just right for him. Just try to put his past behind you. No doubt it has been stressful, but he is in this class now, hopefully he will be able to just get on with it.

But I do think the indigo thing is a red herring.

TotalChaos · 04/03/2009 11:19

please don't go down the indigo hooey mystical route. sounds like your DS is a very bright boy who needs some work on his social skills - some children don't instinctively pick up that they need to speak different to adults than other children. Carry on the good work with the Social Stories, and see if school/senco have any suggestions.

Smee · 04/03/2009 11:23

Hooray, everyone's calmed down again. Am really pleased your son's sounding happy scrooged. Hope it continues

LynetteScavo · 04/03/2009 21:32

I think what not everyone on this thread realises is that just becuase a child is bright, it doesn't mean his social skills will be of the same calibre.

My DS1 is bright, but has poor social skills.

DS2 is "average" academically, but has amazing social skills.

Just because Scrooges DS is academic doesn't' automatically mean he is able to conduct himself with ease in any social setting.

lou031205 · 04/03/2009 22:22

LynetteScavo, with all due respect, I think that is exactly the point that we have all been trying to get across. That you can't excuse poor behaviour with "he is very bright" or "he thinks he is an adult" or "he thinks he has to look after me".

I think you will find that we have all been saying "You need to help him adjust his behaviour and not allow his 'brightness' to be an excuse for treating others with disrespect."

Littlefish · 04/03/2009 22:28

Agree with Lou.

seeker · 04/03/2009 22:47

And some of us have also been saying, don't, for heaven's sake, if all else fails, decide he can't help it because he's an indigo child. Whoever told scrooged about this bizarre hooey has done her a great didservice.

Dysgu · 11/03/2009 00:21

Hello. I don't know if this thread has been wiped off but I just had to say that I would really like to meet some of these boys who have never been rude. Having taught more than 3000 primary aged children over the past decade I have met very few children who never do anything wrong.
Scrooged - I hope your son has continued to settle into his new school. He sounds like many other 9 year old children - my specialist age! - and it should only be expected that he has many facets to his personality.
One question I do have - does he understand the reasoning behind being placed back with his 'correct' year group? This can be traumatic - either to children who were held back and have had to 'jump forward' again to meet local rules when moving key stages or to bright children returning to their own age group. As a SENCo, I do suggest you ask about social skills groups - but he is only 9 and they are ALL still learning appropriate ways to behave in different situations. Yes he was rude to a headteacher but I bet they have dealt with MUCH worse! He sounds like an interesting child and I would far rather have several on those in my classes than all of those 'perfect' children! Good Luck!

Original poster

scrooged · 12/03/2009 23:19

Thanks Dysgu.
He's settled in really well. I don't think he understands why he's been moved back but at his new school his class is a year 5 and a year 6 class which is streamed for maths and english so he's in the top set. He's getting invites to play and parties which is nice. I'll pop and see his teacher before easter to see if there are any concerns, he seems to have settled in well though.

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