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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

I don't think ds got off to a good start with his new head this morning. How can I help him?

167 replies

scrooged · 02/03/2009 13:04

"So you're in year 5?" (head teacher)

"might be" (ds)

"I think you are in year 5"

"could be"

"Are you nervous?"

"No, I don't get nervous"

"I think we need to work on the mannars here"

OP posts:

Original poster

scrooged · 02/03/2009 14:03

He just gets silly and deny's that he's nervous. According to him, he's never been nervous so doesn't know what it feels like

I think he needs to appologise if he's not done so already and he needs to learn how to communicate with people properly. I think I need to ban Ben 10, ds watches this alot and I recognise some of what he says. I must just be a crap mother!

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LynetteScavo · 02/03/2009 14:06

I think Scrooged has hard a hard time on this thread.

It's very easy to say "Why didn't you say somehting at the time?" If you weren't actually there.

Scrooged - you can help him by sugesting what he might have said this morning, and saying it made you feel a bit embarassed. This is exactly the kind of thing my brother would have said (if he's spoken at all!)He's learned to be polite by the time he wasw 30.

Littlefish · 02/03/2009 14:06

Even if he's nervous, at Year 5, he should not be speaking to people like this.

I honestly think you need to speak to someone about some parenting support - something like the PHP or Triple P programme might be available in your area.

TotalChaos · 02/03/2009 14:08

maybe tackle this head on and speak to senco about DS's social skills, and ask if they run any appropriate groups?

cornsilk · 02/03/2009 14:09

Agree with Lynette. Do the posters giving scrooged a hard time have personal experience of parenting a child who can demonstrate challenging behaviours I wonder? Scrooged is not defending her ds's actions at all - in fact she's asked for advice on how to help him.

georgimama · 02/03/2009 14:09

No one said you were a crap mother. I don't think Ben 10 is the issue here.

Your DS needs to be introduced to a concept called empathy. It's not innate, children don't have it - they develop it. At 9/10, it's time he did.

I can remember very clearly being asked when I had been a bit of a smart alec to an adult, how I would have felt if someone had spoken to me like that. I cried.

Original poster

scrooged · 02/03/2009 14:09

He's not always been like this Littlefish. We had both worked really hard to resolve this and he was doing so well up until he moved in September. There were alot of boys that behaved how he did so it started up again. It's not isolated as he's been like this before but we did change this before so I know what needs to be done and how to do it. I'm not putting it down to nerves or the behaviour of the other boys in his last school as he does know better.

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georgimama · 02/03/2009 14:10

She has been getting advice.

iheartdusty · 02/03/2009 14:13

If I were in Scrooged's shoes, I might not have told off my child for being rude to a teacher - on school turf, I would feel that I should defer to that teacher as to telling him/her off, and would then back the teacher up in whatever sh/he said.
So do other people think this would be wrong? Would teachers expect a parent to take the lead in disciplining their DCs even when they were actually being spoken to by a teacher at the time?

Bink · 02/03/2009 14:14

I think scrooged and her son need some help, but I don't think scrooged should blame herself for this. If by year 5 a child can't get the boundaries of a conversation like this right (being not very complicated boundaries), and there aren't other serious things going on like upheaval at home (I'm presuming there aren't), then something is going on with that child's inherent ability to learn and keep to boundaries, and scrooged doesn't need parenting help for her, she needs to talk to a gp/proper informed professional about him.

(I am saying this from experience, as I have a year 5 boy with these sorts of problems. We are doing some cognitive therapy and it seems to be helping.)

Littlefish · 02/03/2009 14:14

How does this behaviour differ from the behaviour that the teachers were concerned about at the school before his previous one Scrooged?

Yes, I agree, I probably am giving Scrooged a bit of a hard time. However, I've also read many of her threads over the last 18 months in her current name and previous name.

It's not about this single incident, it's about a pattern of behaviour which is inappropriate and which Scrooged seems to be struggling to address at the moment.

I don't think you're a crap mother either, but I think that you're struggling with his behaviour. It's great that you're asking for support on here, but I reallly do think that you would both benefit from some rl support.

Cornsilk - I'm actually a teacher of many children with extremely challenging behaviours. The first thing that we do is encourage parents to access parenting support which gives them the time and space to consider their own actions and the effects that they have on their child's behaviour, before trying to change the child's behaviour. This is what I've suggested that Scrooged do.

Original poster

scrooged · 02/03/2009 14:15

He has empathy. I'm not making excuses for him or how he behaves, he makes these choices not me. I can guide him and talk to him/tell him off after but it's too late then, he needs to take responsibility before he engages his mouth. He is a very bright boy, he's an only child and I'm a single mum so he has taken on the role of the other adult. I don't like this and I'm always trying to stop this. I've been using a social skills book with him for the last year and it did work very well, then he changed schools so now I'm back to square one. I did tell him to be quiet and he did listen but he needs to not say things like this in the first place. It's his impulsiveness I'm having problems with.

Thankyou Lynette and cornsilk.

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Littlefish · 02/03/2009 14:16

Bink - I see what you're saying about involving the GP - we use parenting support along side involvement by the GP etc.

cornsilk · 02/03/2009 14:18

I am also a teacher of chn with SEN littlefish and happen to have a child with challenging behaviours. I think parenting support is helpful where necessary, but are you then regarding the behaviour as a parenting issue, rather than as a result of difficulties which the child may be experiencing (which is what Bink is suggesting I think.)

Bink · 02/03/2009 14:19

Yes I see LF, about the parenting support & the professional input - it's not either/or. No-one's tended to suggest we do parenting support though (generally the professionals are quite encouraging about how they think we're doing) ... I wonder if we should though. Would you suggest any books, to start with?

(Sorry, scrooged, I know this is your thread.)

cornsilk · 02/03/2009 14:19

Scrooged is he your only one?

LynetteScavo · 02/03/2009 14:20

Good point Bink - was it hard to get cognetive therapy for you son?

Maybe the shcool is able to bring in outside help? - My sons school had a group of children leaning social skills, which was perfect for DS, but I realise he was very lucky to have access to this.

Original poster

scrooged · 02/03/2009 14:21

He was taken out of his last school because of the fees littlefish and because I was spending 3 hours a day travelling to and fro. I didn't like the way he was learning off the other boys, his friends were as silly as him, if not worse so he was learning all this, he went from an older class to a younger class so he was with immature boys which he followed. I have previously done social skills work with him and he did pick it up very quickly once I started. At least he has access to an educational psychologist now if his school think he needs this once he's settled in.

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LynetteScavo · 02/03/2009 14:23

If the head has any sence she will translate Scrooges DS as saying "I don't want to be here."

I hope he has a good day, Scrooge, and enjoys his new school.

Original poster

scrooged · 02/03/2009 14:25

It's alright blink. He is an only child cornsilk. He hardly see's his dad so he's taken the other parent role himself (offering to make me a drink etc). He does see himself as an equal to an adult, he tells me this many times and I tell him how life really is!

I do think he needs to realise where his place in life really is, that he's a child and what's expected of him is different to what adults expect from each other.

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LynetteScavo · 02/03/2009 14:30

Scrooged - could you tell me know which social skills book you used with your DS, if you can remember - I'd be interested in using it with my DS.

cornsilk · 02/03/2009 14:31

Maybe he will find senior school a bit easier then Scrooged.

cornsilk · 02/03/2009 14:35

I use social stories with my ds scrooged - they help him to see situations from other people's point of view. I'm sure the ed psych would help you with that or there are books you can use. There are a couple by Carol Gray, you can get them from Amazon. We make our own comic strip versions now.

Grammaticus · 02/03/2009 14:36

To dusty - it doesn't seem to me to matter what teachers would expect with regard to a parent correcting a child whilst on school grounds. I would correct my child, whatever the teacher might expect, because that is my job. The parent has the main responsibility for a child's behaviour. The teacher may well also wish to do it (if both were present, as here) but I wouldn't for a second consider holding back!

To scrooged - I've seen other threads of yours, I hope that your DS changes his ways soon. He was really cheeky in the incident you describe, I think. I'd be going bananas at him tonight!

Original poster

scrooged · 02/03/2009 14:37

The unwritten rules of friendship, it really good, each chapter is for a specific behaviour type (the bully/bossy/little adult) and it has role play ideas, little stories that make it all sink in. It did work for ds (did) so I'll have to start again.

I hope he finds senior school easier. He's repeating year 5 though as he was put back into his age group, I know he's finding this hard as the other children are not on his level so he's being as silly as they are. He did well in a class of older children. Shame the head thought he was too opinionated (this is why I moved him, not because of ds)
Parenting's never easy!

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