Calling all Mum's of demanding kids - are your fuses as short as mine? :( sorry, bit long)

[balanomorey]

Am wondering if I'm normal or in need of anger management!!
My coming up to 3 yo dd is so demanding, I seem to spend 3 parts of my day bawling her out or saying no - it's so demorilising - I'm sure for her too, although I know I have to set boundaraies, don't I?

Her speech and awareness of what's going on around her is, imo sometimes gobsmacking for her age. She knows exactly what she wants, can ask (demand) for it very articulately and comes out with expressions that very often floor me! She seems to know too much at a young age. But as she is so young, she is obviously so very immature in many other ways and always wants to run before she can walk ("I do it" is her favourite expression) and when i say no, because imo what she is asking for she can't do or it is dangerous to have etc, she goes off on one. She also takes forever to do what I ask - all in all, she can be SOOOO frustrating - but at the same time, adorable and I lurve her to bits!

However, as I said all this continual conflict of interest is wearing me down as I am constantly saying no and shouting to the point where she will say 'don't shout at me' before bursting into tears or she will panic if she knows or thinks she's done something wrong as she will say "sorry, sorry, sorry" over and over and looks genuinely scared I'm going to tear her off a strip .

Feel really bad this morning as we were late getting to nursery and she suddenly decided just as we were going out the door that she needed the potty. I was not best pleased as she has used the potty as an excuse lately to keep getting out of bed or stall bedtime...she sits there for ages insisting she needs to go and nothing happens, so assumed she was playing this game again. This happened last night at 3 in the morning (the sides have just come off her cot, and I think she thinks this is a great excuse for disturbing the household in the middle of the night now that she can get out and tell us she needs a wee)...so this morning I bawled her out for needing the potty (frazzled on the back of a bad night, maybe) and felt awful as she then proceeded to do a big wee...told me to say sorry for shouting at her...and told me how much she loves me ..so have been feeling guilty and crap mum all morning.

Just a bit of a rant really, but make me feel better by telling me I'm not unusual to shout - I hate shouting and am fed up of spending a large part of my day bawling and getting wound up. Am I alone in this?
Thanks for reading, sorry so long, just needed to vent. x.

Help! I haven't been on this thread for a long time - dd had a great Christmas which I guess is fairly inevitable with all the attention she gets. Now we're back to regular life and I'm tearing my hair out, losing it far too many times every day and I just don't know what to do. I'll outline the main issues and if anyone has any advice at all, I'd be very grateful.

1. Getting dressed in the morning (and into pyjamas at night) - it can take up to half an hour, most of which is spent with dd running around naked

1. Slamming doors - dd plays with the doors at any available opportunity - my sanction has been to take her to her room for two minutes with her door shut ('If you shut doors, then I'll shut doors') - she doesn't like it but not enough to stop her from sdoing it.

1. Mealtimes - if she has the right bowl/plate, spoon and fork, cup, food then she might eat but mostly then only if I help her.

1. She's cut her day time nap down to about twice a week - it doesn't seem to be enough but I don't know how to get her to sleep more (she spends about an hour in her room every day but just plays)

A bit of background info - she's 2.7, full of energy, just started pre-school two sessions a week, I'm a SAHM, ds is 9 months.

Often I don't think she's being purposefully naughty, just very playful. But she's just started playing football and she seems to pay very little attention to the teachers there.

I'm really concerned about her bahaviour and want to nip it in the bud now. I feel like I spend so much time cajoling and encouraging with no effects. I also keep thinking that if it was just her then I could spend time really focusing on her behaviour but ds needs attention too and I'm finding it really hard to share myself between them.

Any suggestions??

Sounds perfect to me!
Clothes. Lay out clothes night before with her and don't fret about style choices however hideous. Will learn from her peers what goes with what. Choice of two outfits?
Food. They don't eat much. They love a special plate and why not..
Sleep. Sounds like you have it just right. Nice rest in room whether playing or sleeping.
Instructions at football? surely she can just run around and have fun.

Slamming doors - perhaps she likes sound of banging? Drum, xylophone. Safe plastic, soft playhouse with door she can bang? Toy saucepans to bash? I agree it sounds annoying and dangerous to have the real doors slamming but it gets your immediate attention so maybe that is her motive as well. Door stops on all doors so they don't bang? and she might lose interest?

Thank you!

The clothes the night before is something I thought of but I'm convinced that by the time the morning comes, she won't want to wear whatever is out. Do I let her change her mind again or 'force' the outfit that's there?

With food, a special plate would be fine. This is a case of wanting a different plate/cup/spoon/fork every mealtime - I think I've picked the ones she likes best and I just get a big 'NOOOOOO!'. If she already has two cups on the go should I give in and give her a third? And do I just move all the food off the bowl (which she chose 3 minutes previously) onto the one she now wants?

I'm finding it hard to know when to give in and when to stay firm. I try and offer two choices with nearly everything as I know this is an age where they want some control. I'm just fed up iof conversations like this -
Would you like the pink cup or blue cup?
Pink cup.
You'd like the pink cup?
No, blue cup.
You'd like the blue cup?
No, pink cup.
Pink cup?
Yes.
Yes what?
Yes please.
Are you sure? Pink cup?
Yes.
Here's the pink cup.
NOOOOOOOOO! Want the blue cup!!!!

With the doors, the door stops would be a great idea. I'm sure she would then lose interest very quickly.

NDG my sympathy! does sound like all with settle down with age but as far as the here and now is concerned i would offer fewer choices if i were you - and wish i had, at that stage! i think our generation really overdoes the choice thing and that can stress some kids out. i was forever trying to defuse potential tantrums by offering choice - turns out my anxiety-prone daughter was probably feeling overloaded by the constant demands to constantly CHOOSE and actually i stepped back from that approach when a pre-school teacher took me aside one day and had a word! just a thought. good luck xxx

KK - I think you could be right - I had a similar thought while I was writing that last bit. Sometimes I find if I just put a cup down in front of her she might kick off for a few seconds but when she realises it's that or nothing, she always gives in.

It's so difficult to find the middle ground - I want her to have freedom and to enjoy life (and let's face it, she's only 2) but she also needs to understand that she can't always have what she wants when she wants it.

Hmm I can see what you mean about pink/blue cup conversation.
I did learn that negotiation for its own sake was a mistake with dd. So I suppose in that case you have to be very firm consistent and positive "Let's get your cup from the cupboard, and put it out for you. You put it on table for me. Well done for helping me lay the table " (and then don't change your mind)

Clothes are such a nightmare I can't even bear to remember the arguments. However I do recall getting cross she would only wear boys' clothes for a time and now see it didn't really matter!

NDG,

Cups - My DD is sometimes like this although she is older. I bring something out to the table and she whines "I don't want that one". I say "Oh, you don't want it? I'll take it away then" and act like I'm taking it back to the kitchen. When she realises she won't get anything if she doesn't accept it she says she wants it after all.

Getting dressed - My DS is sometimes like this. The other day I did something that worked! I said "Let's see how fast you can get dressed, I will count the seconds" DD helped me count and that stopped her annoying/distracting him by doing other things as well. He wanted to get dressed fast and cooperated and let me help him without running off cackling!

Slamming doors - DS does this and I HATE it! I haven't solved this one yet as I have to tell him off for it every day! I ask him nicely, he does it again, I say "I've asked you not to do that, if you do it again I'm going to put you in your pushchair", he does it again, he goes in his pushchair, he cries tragically for a bit, I ask him if he is gonig to be good and not do it again, he shakes his head, I say "Well you can stay there then", he shrieks, I say "Are you going to stop doing it?", he nods, I let him out, he doesn't do it again - until the next day.

Naps - DS would never have them and I found it hard to accept I wasn't going to get a break. Not having naps meant that he fell asleep quicker at night though. I think some kids just don't need one. DD would nap for 3 hours until she was 3.5 and still sleep at night. DS would not nap.

Had another 'brainwave' today. When I want to leave the house and want DS to go for a wee first he runs off and I get flustered because I'm in a rush and he is messing about. Today I got it into my head to say "Come with me, hold my hand, we will do a silly walk to the bathroom". He was happy to hold my hand and giggled about me singing a song, shuffling my feet and then suddenly sticking one leg out as we walked and he copied me. It struck me that if I could make them WANT to do the things I wanted by making it fun in some way then they would cooperate.

DS is also the slowest eater in the world (and so was I as a child). The other day when me and DH were feeling motivated, we separated out a small amount of the food on his plate and said "When you have eaten that bit we will draw a smiley face on this chart". He ate it, we drew the face, we separated out another bit of food, he ate it, we drew a slightly different face etc and he ate more than he had ever eaten before in a faster time!

Doing fun things seems to work on our kids better/quicker than shouting or threatening consequences. Sometimes though when we are feeling tired or ill or moody, we just don't FEEL like making an effort and doing fun things, we just want them to do as they are told, NOW, so that we can get on with the day! Things seem to work if we are in a good mood! The best solution to everything I can think of is to get enough sleep and nutrition and 'doing what we want time' so that we are in a good enough mood to do these fun things!

you do not sound like a bad mother, my dd is 18months old and is very demanding and after quite a few really hard days I shouted at her and felt really bad, but when I shouted she was not scared or anything and then started to behave really well for me.

i think it is so hard being a mother and it gets to us all at some time...

Hello there all. I've been a while away from these pages what with moving house and various things taking much time and energy, but still following you in snatched moments. Just had a nightmare long w/e of partner away (actually that continues until tomorrow night), Ds has been ill with fever then cough and cold so no nursery on friday (he only goes for a few hours usually but it saves my sanity!) . I don't know whether it's the illness or partner being away or combination but Ds has been incredibly clingy, demanding, intense and I've been absolutely at the end of my tether on numerous occasions this w/e. I've shouted a few times, which always leaves me feeling ashamed, but at least grateful that I can control worse urges to hit out!

Oh confessions...I find it incredible that I can love that little boy with all my heart - more than anything and probably anyone in the world - and yet have flashing fantasies of giving him a terrible wallop! These moments usually come after it?s been hours of him not 'allowing' me to do anything because he wants constant attention and is jealous of anything else that takes my attention (like cooking, eating, peeing ? that basic). He?ll rip a book from my hand and try tearing it. Close the computer roughly to stop me looking at it. These readings and looking?s are only snatched moments in the first place. He is SUCH an intense little boy. It?s as if he is always at high velocity and cannot turn his intensity down for even a second. He even falls asleep wringing my fingers and breathing intensely. I only know he has fallen asleep as the physical intensity dies down and I suppose he has then fallen into intense dreams! I would have fallen asleep with him ? for I am very tired ? but for the fact I was desperate for a little time for myself.

Hi there my last post was a bit of an off-load, but just wanted to ask how folk on here have dealt with very clingy behaviour. ATM my ds wants cuddling constantly, will not play with his toys unless I play with him. I have tried reassuring him about everything and giving more cuddles etc (we have moved house recently so there is some reason for insecurity/being unsettled...but - this seems/feels excessive and I am finding that unless my Ds is at nursery, asleep or plugged into a TV programme (I cant let that take over!) I am effectively disabled as an independent entity ATM, and it's driving me a bit bonkers ! AARGH!

hi skydancer, was following this thread a while ago but am not up to date, but just wanted to say i have been through phases like you describe with my DS and all i can is that it is just a phase and it will pass. It is very very hard for you whilst it's going on, but just try and hang on and i promise it will be over at some point. Try and get out of the house if you can, i find if we're out DS is less clingy and i get a bit of head space.

Thanks oneplusone! I did spend most of today in the park with Ds as it happens, and it is true it is always easier outdoors in many ways (except the constant vigilance for potential accidents of course ). Just really nice to hear someone say it will pass!!!!!

sky, it will indeed pass. remember that my self-appointed function in life is to remind you and others that it all does get better!! mind you i had a hellish day with a particularly stroppy, irritable and spiky (7 y/o)DD yesterday - so stressful. intense is a word i have so often cause to ruminate over in connection with my kid too, sky. it just has to be seen to be believed. this morning i got into a huge spiral of ratcheting tension (as the clock ticked towards getting off to school time) over the way a colouring page was designed. she could not work out where some bloody chipmunk's dungaree strap started and then stopped. this was affecting her ability to work out how to colour said segments in. NIGHTMARE. as always i started off uber-patient then - after aeons of explanations and reassurances - SNAPPED! sigh...
anyway i do hope things improve at your end - well i know that they WILL. deep breaths! big hugs xxx

Thanks Katiek! You always seem to have brilliantly reassuring sage things to say so I know you must have been there yourself (still there at times I dare say)...I so recognised that phrase .."got into a huge spiral of racheting tension". Mind you, I cant tell anymore if it's my ds who gets in them or me in response or anticipation of whine/tantrum fests!

I was just telling myself that maybe I simply wasn't cut out for motherhood, wasn't patient enough, calm enough, oestrogen-soft enough ( I was inventing stuff by that point) when I read your post and thought: hmm, maybe I'm not doing so bad after all. Maybe I've just got a nutty kid. Or a highly strung genius Anyway thanks.

sky - we are writing at the same time... i can't believe (well yes, i can) you were beating yourself up over your various (imaginary) failings as a mother. STOP THAT AT ONCE! you always come across as unfailingly eager to do as good a job as you possibly can, intelligent, sensitive, imaginative in your parenting and compassionate as well as funny. in fact i want you as my mum
must go pick up children (at which point my up-until-now serene day will no doubt fall apart ) but back soon - hang in there - it all passes (then new stuff comes along)

Oh Katiek I feel so chuffed you would have me as a mum . And I can say the same to you - you sound like a brilliant mum and I'm sure your little darlings will thank you for it one day! And thank you for putting in writing your positive impressions of me. Good lord all we need is a bit of encouragement and the odd pat on the back I suppose to regain confidence. Being a mum is such private work isn't it - you don't get much of a reflection from the world about how you're doing usually. I'm thinking of you all on the school run...my little monster darling is still having his afternoon nap.

Hi everybody, nice to read some old posters and see some new ones. We have a dx...Aspergers! Xmas holidays have been very up and down but we have had some really great moments which have made the crap ones bearable. Not much news from here at the minute, just trying to let the dx sink in and try to support ds in the best way we can

All mums.
You're not alone.

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Yawning I'm glad you've got a diagnosis.

yawning - hi. i am pleased too that finally you know what you are dealing with...how are you feeling about it all? keep us posted xxx