Calling all Mum's of demanding kids - are your fuses as short as mine? :( sorry, bit long)

[balanomorey]

Am wondering if I'm normal or in need of anger management!!
My coming up to 3 yo dd is so demanding, I seem to spend 3 parts of my day bawling her out or saying no - it's so demorilising - I'm sure for her too, although I know I have to set boundaraies, don't I?

Her speech and awareness of what's going on around her is, imo sometimes gobsmacking for her age. She knows exactly what she wants, can ask (demand) for it very articulately and comes out with expressions that very often floor me! She seems to know too much at a young age. But as she is so young, she is obviously so very immature in many other ways and always wants to run before she can walk ("I do it" is her favourite expression) and when i say no, because imo what she is asking for she can't do or it is dangerous to have etc, she goes off on one. She also takes forever to do what I ask - all in all, she can be SOOOO frustrating - but at the same time, adorable and I lurve her to bits!

However, as I said all this continual conflict of interest is wearing me down as I am constantly saying no and shouting to the point where she will say 'don't shout at me' before bursting into tears or she will panic if she knows or thinks she's done something wrong as she will say "sorry, sorry, sorry" over and over and looks genuinely scared I'm going to tear her off a strip .

Feel really bad this morning as we were late getting to nursery and she suddenly decided just as we were going out the door that she needed the potty. I was not best pleased as she has used the potty as an excuse lately to keep getting out of bed or stall bedtime...she sits there for ages insisting she needs to go and nothing happens, so assumed she was playing this game again. This happened last night at 3 in the morning (the sides have just come off her cot, and I think she thinks this is a great excuse for disturbing the household in the middle of the night now that she can get out and tell us she needs a wee)...so this morning I bawled her out for needing the potty (frazzled on the back of a bad night, maybe) and felt awful as she then proceeded to do a big wee...told me to say sorry for shouting at her...and told me how much she loves me ..so have been feeling guilty and crap mum all morning.

Just a bit of a rant really, but make me feel better by telling me I'm not unusual to shout - I hate shouting and am fed up of spending a large part of my day bawling and getting wound up. Am I alone in this?
Thanks for reading, sorry so long, just needed to vent. x.

ah, balano - i just re-read you and feel like giving you a big . er, , though you can have a too, why not, that's the kinda girl i am . can you please arrange to have a solid two days off by yourself or visiting a dear friend or a sister or someone in that vein? you so, so, SO need a break. you would come back re-energised i am sure. sleep clearly makes a huge difference here, as it always has to my relationship with my feisty DD. i once got sent off for a week back to the UK (when we were in Oz) BY MYSELF in the midst of our worse, most snot-and-tears-strewn period to see a load of people i love and to recharge my batteries - god it did me good. i think DD and i used to get locked into a terrible mutually inflammatory cycle of negativity and angst and it was so hard to shake ourselves out of - especially when you threw in chronic sleep deprivation and, in my case, homesickness, insecurity over the future and a rocky patch with a largely absent, off-at-work DH. sigh. your post takes me back to those hard times in an instant. what can i say, balano - in time, she went to school, she started to enjoy life more, she thrived on the structure and stimulation school brought, she learned to read (o BLESSED DAY!!!), she became more self-controlled, she learned to make friends. all of these things seemed light years away when she was three however! be kind to yourself. remember how many good times there are too with your DD. these will gradually greatly outnumber the bad i am SURE. take heart. we're all thinking about you xxx

Hi katie - thanks for your post

To have a total break for a few days would be so lovely - but not really possible at the moment. Too much to do at this time of the year and so little time left to do it all!! DH has promised me a little break on our own early next year so am sticking out for that!!

We are off out tonight for a meal with friends, so dd will be going to nannies overnight, so at least we can stumble in, crash out and know that for sure tonight, we will have a whole undisturbed night!! Bliss!

Tho, to be fair, since I posted on Thurs, dd slept all through Thurs night and Fri - maybe she read my post!! Have really been instilling in her how important it is to be a big girl and that if she wakes, to just turn over and go back off to sleep by herself. Have even been bribing her with choc as a breakfast option ! Think it's all to do with fear of the dark creeping in a bit - it's hard to leave your child crying when you know they are a bit uneasy in their bed for whatever reason hence the in and out for hours til she finally drops off again.

The last few days have been more postivie - Thurs was another wake up call - what she said cut me to the core - my mum was quite shocked when I told her what she had said and when pressed did say that in her opinion, I shout a bit more that maybe I should - I love my mum, she is so supportive and helpful and I have that to be grateful for as without her, It'd be so much harder.

So, yet again, I have woken up to the reality of my behaviour - imo, unacceptable. I have to discipline and be in charge, but not in such a bad tempered way. I'm going to try my utmost to tame the shouting.

Hope you all have great weekends! x.

Katiek so helpful. Have decided to try the herbal routes first a I remember now you write that stuff that I used to take a combo of cod liver oil and evening primrose for joint problems and it helped with those - but also I seemed on a more even keel emotionally and wondered if those supplements were helping. If that doesn't help I'll try acupuncture (I have a friend who does it) and go from there...

Also your words to Balanomorey talking about the hardest time for you and when things got easier with your DD (reading, school etc) really helped me in terms of getting a longer term perspective. So much is like emergency coping when children are pre-3 or 4- no? I've already taught my Ds how to say the alphabet but I tell you reading is going to come next whether he's only two or not.... Only kidding - I know it's another few years but I'll put my best teacher's hat on occasionally nevertheless, looking forward to those reading years.

BM, sorry if what I wrote before was inappropriate to your situation and the fact is you had simply been shouting too much! I'm glad to hear things have eased off a bit anyway and you have little breaks coming up. Neither of my parents are alive now and sometimes I do feel wistful about how it might have been with gramps on the scene. I think as a general thing parents in nuclear families are too isolated and it adds a lot to the strains/demands.

Hi all & Hi to you Skydancer. So glad that, as ever, katie's words of wisdom are helping you and hope that you find the thing that makes you feel better

In no way did I feel what you wrote was inappropriate - I should have acknowledged that in my last post! Thank you for taking the time to put another perspective on the situation. It was food for thought and i think I do analyse myself too much in front of dd to check her reactions and how she feels when i do shout - eg I will say 'is mummy happy or sad now' after we've had a ding dong - instead of just letting it go. Maybe she is, as a result, very aware of what pushes my buttons and has learned to pick up on my moods too much as we talk about it a lot. I do think I need to move on quickly from an outburst and not overanalyse, especially in dd's presence and with her little bit of input and take on the situation, which frankly, at 3 isn't probably worth dwelling on too much.
Thanks for posting and hope you have a lovely Sunday! x.

Thanks balanomory and I'm glad you had been able to relate to what I wrote before. I'm in the middle of packing boxes at the moment as we're moving house after xmas - so it is stressful in a different way but trying to keep everything at a reasonably sane and steady pace. I think DS is unsettled by seeing so much changing before his eyes but at the same time reassured by our positive attitude to it (plus we've explained fully about moving and that all our things will reappear in the new place). So far - fingers crossed - no major upsets about it.

Hi all
Something I did this morning really made my brain jolt!!! To see what I'm like when I'm angry from dd's perspective, I ranted into the mirror like I do when I go off on one at dd.....not a pretty sight and quite upsetting, I'm sure, for a little one to witness . This I hope, is another tool, like the imaginary future conversation, that will stop me in my tracks when I feel a full on rant welling up. My mantra is 'calm, collected but still firm mummy - not angry ranty mummy....I really didn't like what I saw in the mirror . Just thought I'd share that with you, maybe it might help you too. x.

I didn't realize this thread was still going. It fell off my list Will try to do a proper catching up but I really feel I should stay with it. Ds1 gets me going so often. He gets really silly and giggly when we are trying to get ready for school, bed etc. - always when I feel pressured or tired and I just feel so frustrated!

I'm afraid I lost it a bit yesterday.. We were madly preparing for DS1's birthday party. He was as high as a kite and managed to pull his bedroom door off it's hinges.My DSs can be very destructive and it does get me down when DH and I have to spend lots of time and money fixing their breakages. Anyway I did lots of shouting about how ungrateful they are, and how I wouldn't have dared destroy things when I was a child.
Later as we were piling DS and his friends into the car to take them to the party at the local leisure centre, my rather pious neighbour with one DD, came out of her house with some friends, and I felt like she was saying 'yes that's her, the banshee you heard screaming earlier'
I think it was Acting Normal who once said she felt jealous of all the things her DC get she missed as a child. I think this applies to me with my DC, I want their birthdays to be so perfect, that I get myself completely stressed, the DC act out then I snap because I think they are spoilt brats. I need to break this cycle somehow.
I dread to think what I must have looked like in the mirror, as you said Balanomorey.

Skydancer, I hope you're packing is going well. It's sounds like you are staying calm.

Balano, I love that mirror thing! I will add it to my list of useful childcare stuff (Yes, I am sad, I cut and paste useful stuff from this thread into a document so I can re-read it). I find the things 'real world mothers' say on here much more useful than any published childcare manual!

Mimizan, I can see how anyone would lose their temper if that happened to them! I don't think you should feel too guilty! I know what you mean about getting carried away with your plans for them and trying to make it the best it can be but getting stressed by it, I sometimes get 'obsessive' about plans as well. I was just thinking about the fact that children are often really happy and pleased by the simplest of things so long as they are getting a nice bit of loving attention. You don't have to 'bust a gut' to feel like you are being a good mother (although I admire people who do big parties).

I came on here to write about mornings. (I'm not nice in the mornings). A few weeks ago I started getting up a bit earlier and although I find this really hard I did it by telling myself that I would enjoy taking my time to do breakfast and get the children ready to take DD to school in a calm and relaxed manner while having the odd sip of a nice cup of coffee. It worked for a while but I'm feeling so tired at the moment that it's been slipping and I've been getting up later.

Anyway, the point is that when I feel rushed and anxious I can't talk to the children when they come up to me with their drivel and I tell them to go away and not talk to me and then hate myself for rejecting them. I get on their cases over every little thing and nag and nag and shout and rant because I'm anxious that little things are going to make us later and later for school. DH said to me this morning "Don't be horrible to the DCs, you know it is your own fault for not getting up earlier". He is so right and I'm so glad he reminded me.

I think this happens a lot to people. They feel anxious or rushed or preoccupied with worries that extra things, like children being difficult, make you snap at them and be impatient with them and have no time for them. I just read in a childcare manual I was re-reading that the thing children want the most is your time. It made me feel guilty and I keep saying it to myself now "they want your time, they don't care if you have done all the housework".

I used to dread being in the house with the children, it actually scared me. So I took them out all the time. I took them to do lots of activities with other people, which on the face of it, looks good and looks like I made an effort, and it was good for them in some ways (lots of stimulation and social contact), but the truth of it was I was avoiding being with them. I didn't spend time myself really interracting with them, I provided other children for them to play with and I wanted to be with their mothers to ease my loneliness and ignore my kids as much as possible. I find this shocking now but didn't at the time. We still go out a lot but now do stuff on our own as well instead of me either ignoring them and doing housework/whatever I want at home or taking them out and ignoring them because they have their friends to play with.

Writing that I'm thinking it's no wonder they acted 'demanding' and attention seeking or misbehaved just to get some attention! I'm wondering if mine aren't so much born demanding as being that way because they want more of me and I was distant/preoccupied/locked inside my own head/depressed/too anxious/tired/unhappy about things to cope, for ages, a couple of years! Now I'm feeling better I look back on it and see that I must have been ill. I don't think I would be feeling better if I hadn't gone to therapy. It scares me that what if I hadn't made that firm decision to get therapy at last and get it all sorted. Now my thoughts are straightened out I'm not so preoccupied and 'not really here'.

I feel so exhausted lately (and not pregnant or anything) that I'm finding it hard to get up in the mornings and harder to do everything. I want to remind myself that we MUST look after ourselves really well (not just the bare minimum) so that we are well enough to be good mothers! It is hard enough to do this job when you are completely well!

I think my tiredness is because I'm on the laptop all the time and can't stop to go to bed early. I never switch off and properly relax. I feel like I want to spend every spare moment doing something I want to do and not waste any time. But then I waste time by being too exhausted to do anything.

Maybe I can use a similar technique to mornings - make myself want to go to bed earlier by visualising myself enjoying being with the children and giving them time as well as getting everything done and being able to do this because I feel rested and awake enough.

Sorry for going on and on, I work things out as I write.

Acting normal I do that thing of taking kids out for activities all the time so as not to be in the house with them. Well I used to, now I'm trying really hard like you to be inside with them and interact with them. It's exhausting though. I find the computer stops me from relaxing also, I'm sleep so much better when I've not looked at it all evening. So glad I'm not alone.

hello everyone - AN i find my sleep SO much better if i do about 20 - 30 mins meditation before bed - just breathing in and out and trying to clear my mind of all the restless mental frenzy we all are prone to during waking hours! might be worth a try? i think it's great you got therapy and find it so helpful. please don't beat yourself up too much about all the going out and hanging out with other people you did with the DCs - when i spend time with friends on the continent (france and belgium) it's amazing how little they see of their kids i can tell you - there is so much full-time school/activities after school from an early age there and their DCs are in permanent holiday clubs during school hols. and they (the DCs) seem to thrive on it all by the way!
much more to write but DS needing attention(!!) as home from school 'ill' (actually just shattered after a long school term i reckon, and needing a holiday)

ps mimi - totally understand why you got so mad. nothing makes me see red like a perceived lack of appreciation/gratitude in my DCs for all that they have, compared to so many others. AN and i have discussed this before too, i seem to remember! argh argh argh. hope things have settled down! x
and sky - GOOD LUCK with the house move! my kids have moved so often they now think it's a bit weird that we intend to stay in our current house indefinitely (like we have any other option in the current economic climate ...but we're happy here which is just as well) - they had four moves in four years. yikes. the least disruptive aspect was always the new home though - they found that really exciting and settled in really quickly each time. it was the change in routine and school that upset poor DD each time so much (DS impervious fortunately) but sounds like in your case it's just the house? hope it all goes smoothly anyway x

Hi
i can empathise with the feeling p'd off at making a huge effort - which then goes unappreciated.....had that experience this afternoon!

Bought dd some lovely disney princess Xmas cards and some Xmas stamps (the inky kind!) so she could send her little friends some Xmas greetings. Like others have mentioned, I too aren't too keen on spending endless hours in the house, so like to be out and about, but this afternoon I thought, no, I'll spend some quality time and do the Xmas cards with dd - thought she'd love it

I was writing the name and the love and kisses bit (a bit beyond dd being only 3)...except she wanted to do it. Tried to explain that she was a bit young for writing yet as she dosn't know her ABC..so she had a strop and threw the stampers on the floor. I immediately yelled (mostly due to the panic that the carpet would get inky), she flounced off in tears....so what I thought would be a lovely bit of mummy, dd time together ended up, yet again, with me yelling and her sobbing .

I did think, why do I bother? But through all this, we have to cling on to the fact that they are CHILDREN, not mature people.,,why is it you can always rationalise after the event...and then the guilt creeps in. Somedays I feel trapped in a bubble of disquiet - it keeps happening, despite my best intentions and endeavours. It's like my brain is programmed to shout whenever dd plays up and I can't change it, no matter how I try ..is there any hope? I feel so dispondent. Sorry for the negative post. x....just keep on trying, I guess. x.

balano - argh. i know i know i know. i had YEARS of this sort of thing with DD. absolutely soul-destroying. more soon x

Mimizan - calm? not calm enough to sit down and reply as I'd like to to all of you brave people! Wishing everyone a and wave anyway.

Well today I feel like a Class A bitch. Had a horrendous day at work- had to do a presentation in front of loads of people, so felt very nervous and stressed. Got home after my usual 1.5 hour commute, picked up dd from nursery and was literally unable to cope with all her whining. As soon as we got in the door she starting moaning, demanding chocolate, cbeebies etc. Tried so hard to be calm but just couldnt take it. Had been up since 5.30 am and after my stressful day at work, literally just wanted 5 mins peace and quiet. DD of course had her own ideas and in the end I ended up raising my voice to her. She responded "please dont shout at me mummy, please" which made me feel just awful. Why cant I control myself? DH of course is out for the evening enjoying himself and I feel the weight of responsibility. Tried to make it up to DD by reading extra bedtime stories but even then she was annoying me, refusing to brush her teeth, refusing to put her pyjamas on, refusing to get into bed and so on. Sometimes I feel like just packing in work and signing on, I literally cannot cope with the stress of working and looking after dd, but for gods sake I only work 3 days a week, I have no excuse, especially when loads of mums are working fullitme. What the hell is wrong with me??

'i only work three days a week'...that's loads, in my book!! loads, when you are commuting for that long each day and then having to fit in childcare before and after. it is REALLY stressful working and caring for kids especially now we are all arranged in small nuclear units often lacking in traditional wider family support and community support too...do NOT beat yourself up, it's really tough doing this modern juggling thing we women find ourselves having to do!!

Thanks Katie! I just wish I could remain calm. DD is only 3 and shouldnt have to ask her mother to stop shouting at her!! Have been sitting here feeling guilty and wishing I was a better mother. When DD and I spend the day together I can generally cope better with her tantrums than when I get in from work so I think it is a tiredness/stress thing. Oh well only another 2 days to go... Believe it or not I used to work a 4 day week on top of my daily 3 hr commute so I shouldnt really complain now...!!!

Katiek is absolutely right. People tend to forget that historically there were lots of extended family to help out with childcare while parents worked - whether that was in or out of the home. We are doing so much more without help these days

I love the ranting in the mirror idea! I haven't actually done it yet, but just the thought of what I must look like has made me stop and count to 3 today.

I have started writing a diary of how and who my DS is because i realise he's changing so fast and I always seem to forget the previous stage/s so quickly. Aside from an aid to memory I'm not sure why I'm doing it. Is it for me to help focus on all the lovely, adorable aspects and excitement of development and learning - and his character forming? Is it also to help me focus on and be reminded of all the more enjoyable aspects of being his mum and not just the tussles, exhaustion, exasperation, isolation, limited nature of life's routines? If I manage to keep it up it occurred to me that it might be something he would like to read one day. A bit like a positive version of that 'mirror' idea, or imaging speaking to your DC about their childhood years hence (which I think is a good idea by the way!). Just some thoughts shared....

Thanks for all your supportive words.
It really does help having you all to have a rant to, knowing that you will not be judged harshly.
LosingIt- It sounds like you are doing an amazing job keeping all those balls in the air. I admire mums who juggle work and childcare. Did it myself for 6 years, but found it really stressful when I had my third DC. I can still feel the exhaustion of getting home with 2 DC in the dark, to find the breakfast dishes still out with tea to prepare. No wonder you feel snappy.

well dont think I am doing to well at juggling all the balls Mimizan, as almost lost it again today after another day at work, long commute home etc. I have begged dh if he can try and pick dd up from nursery at least one night a week as I just feel overwhelmed by it all. Work is a nightmare at the moment and I'm feeling so stressed about it all that I couldnt even eat my dinner (which is so unlike me!) sitting here with chocolate and wine trying to feel better, but already dreading the long day ahead tomorrow.

Mimizan- 6 years is a long time, am v impressed. Get a bit envious of women who have help from their family in terms of childcare etc. I'm surrounded by family but dont think its ever crossed their mind to help me out now and again...

Hi babybarrister, sorry you're finding it upsetting with your Ds. do you have any ideas what sets him off into being so oppositional (as I presume it's not a constant)? I wondered because I am spotting more triggers in terms of what sets my ds off.

We're in the throws of moving at the moment and a lot of energy, attention and activity has been diverted away from my ds. It's also unsettling for him to see constant change in his environment I think and his behaviour is reflecting this at times. It's not that we're ignoring him by any means and still playing with/reading, taking him out to park - more or less sticking to all routines and really trying to include him as much as possible. But on an ego level he knows he's not the centre of the universe at the moment (at least not on the superficial levels!) and he's acting up trying to get that attention back and that seems to include punishing us. Last night he did about 10 'naughty' or dangerous things one after the other, including drawing on the furniture, throwing food and drink on the floor, pouring water liberally out of his bath, trying to stick metal objects in plug sockets and other electrical equipment etc Messing with the oven. etc.(all things he knows not to do and knows will provoke a reaction). When either me or my dp shouted in panic at what he was doing or even told him off fairly mildly he would then be in floods of tears and need endless consoling. This is not normal. It seems sometimes that just when you have most desire or need to concentrate elsewhere, are preoccupied, stressed, needing TLC yourself that toddlers decide to go wild and on the war path!

Gone very quiet here. I suspect everyone is besieged with xmas-itus . Hope you're all doing all ok.