Hi all,
Really lovely to find you all and read this thread (most of it, anyway). Please can I come and join in? So much of what's been said has resonated with me...
I have two DSs, 4.5 and 14 mths. I too have 'discovered' my anger since becoming a parent and it totally terrifies me. My DSs are the last people I'd want to expose this side of myself to and yet they've pretty much been the only people in my life who have opened the floodgates .
I think I was never really allowed to express my feelings as a child so anger has never really featured in my adult emotional repertoire. Sadness has always taken over the airwaves instead, probably more 'acceptable', I guess, certainly easier to hide.
My most shameful anger actions (getting fewer and further between since I started to work on myself a couple of years ago) are shouting at them and being far too rough when pulling DS1 (and it's mainly him, poor little mite, given that my self awareness drive kicked in before DS2 was born) away from whatever thing he's destroying/doing/not doing. I can't bear how the urge overtakes me to get physical when I'm in a rage (pulling jumper of contention on really roughly, for example, or snatching toy-used-as-weapon and throwing it across the room)
I'm in two minds about the 'some children are more challenging than others' idea. Part of me feels all children are perfect and anything that goes awry is as a result of the environment/parenting they're faced with (not that it's our fault, we're all doing the very best we can, hence all this soul searching).
On the other hand, just to tell you a little bit about DS1... he's a bit... unusual I suppose. He seems to have sensory issues so melts down very dramaticallly (displays of temper to rival mine, basically) over lots of day-to-day issues, eg, temperature of milk, seams in socks, noise of little brother crying, etc.
He's also highly sensitive and yet mainly oblivious to my emotions, if that makes sense. So, this morning for example, I'm packing his lunch for school and he starts to turn the lights on and off and laugh demonically. I say to him very calmly and firmly 'Leave the light on please, otherwise I can't see' he does it again, I say it again, he does it again, I say it again, he does it again I say 'leave the light on!' (rising irritation) he does it again I yell "Right! Stop touching the lights" he bursts into floods of inconsolable tears 'mummy, don't have a cross face! No getting cross! No shouting!" Takes a good 10 minutes for him to calm down. This same process goes on over lots of recurring issues -- his fondness for pulling curtains off their hooks, for example, or weeing in strange places or pushing his little brother over.
And the worst is when he gets physical, which he does a lot. I find this particularly hard. He's constantly pulling my hair, hitting, headbutting, lifting up my skirt, just nasty general tweaking and poking which I find really hard to tolerate. He does these things when angry but mainly in a spirit of mischief. And again I just don't seem to be able to communicate with him over it, so I say calmly time and time again and it's only when I get pushed over the edge that it stops.
AND of course, he's also the most wonderful little boy in the world. He sings like an angel, he's really bright and healthy, every day he notices things that would have passed me by if he wasn't in my life and I feel utterly blessed to have him. Granted he can be a bit eccentric (Loves to watch George Formby videos on youtube and joins in with one of my frying pans as a banjo, makes up his own words for things has an extreme fascination for lawnmowers and generally prefers kitchen utensils to toys) but to us that's what makes him really really fun to be with when he's not assaulting me.
As for the aforementioned 'work on myself' I've discovered the empathy-based approached to parenting and realised that they're the answer to all the uneasiness I'd previously felt with the punishment/reward based methods that all around me tended to use(and my own parents, certainly). Not to condemn anyone for finding that approach helpful but it just never particularly worked for me. But of course the ongoing challenge is that empathy and anger are not easy bedfellows!
Books which have really helped me were the 'how to talk...' book and Alfie Kohn's 'Unconditional Parenting' and Naomi Aldort's 'Raising Children, Raising Ourselves' which has really helped me to realise that, as so many of you have identified, lots of my parenting shortfalls are an expression of my own unmet needs. AND, it's not my children's job to rectify this.
Aldort advises, at one point, to step away from the situation that might make you do something you later regret and really let your anger run riot in your head. Literally fantasise yourself screaming 'shut the fuck up!' or hitting them or whatever. Then realise that those feelings aren't about now, they're not authentically you and your love for your child, they're not 'real'. And come back to the present, with your child, much more understanding of the here and now. I don't always take the time to do this, don't always have the self-control to step away but I think it's a powerful technique.
Another thing we're considering in our house is installing an inflatable punch bag (we'll call the angry station) for both DSs and us to use when we feel we need to let it out.
Anyway, lovely to meet you all and thank you for letting me whittle on and for all your inspiring posts.
xx