Been shouting at DH this pm. I was feeling a bit ill and because I know I've got both children all next week for half term I didn't want to be responsible for all discipline at the weekend when DH is here to help. He does try to help, it is just that I don't feel his 'discipline' works and then I end up having to step in and sort it out. But I know he has less practice as he doesn't have them all week and I can see he is just copying his own parents' way of doing things and he reasons that him and his brothers turned out ok. They did, but his mum admits all she did was shout all day and it had little effect.
He thinks all you have to do is shout. Shouting at DD just makes her get angry and shout back and not listen to what you are actually saying. Shouting at DS just makes him cry and makes him scared so he can't even concentrate on doing the right thing.
I think DH does scare them when he shouts because he is a big man with a loud booming voice. Then he complains that when he says to them "come for cuddles with Daddy", they don't want to.
So I explained to him why shouting doesn't work and said that threatening to hit them is also wrong (he says "I'll smack your bottom in a minute"), and said that the best thing is to warn them that if they do x then there will be y consequence (which doesn't involve shouting intimidatingly or smacking). I said that surely he has the intelligence to think of a more inventive consequence than that eg taking away the toy they are misusing or putting them in time out. I said that he doesn't need to shout at all really, just calmly say the consequence then 'follow through' if necessary.
The thing is, as I was saying it I realised I should be telling it to MYSELF! I know that what I told him works but so often I don't do it, I resort to just shouting myself! Now that I have criticised him I will have to make a special effort to do it properly for the rest of the weekend otherwise I am a hypocrite!
Then later on, they were messing about while eating their tea and DH went and sat with them staring at them while they ate and getting on their case about every little thing. I told him not to pressure them by staring at them and going on at them or they wouldn't be able to relax enough to eat (they are so sensitive they can't take it). DS is always saying to him "stop looking at me!". I told him to just talk gibberish to them and it would distract them from messing about and they would eat their tea without realising they were eating it. As the words were coming out of my mouth I thought to myself "oh my god, what a brilliant idea!" It's like I can say what should be done but can't think to actually do it myself! So I started to try out my own methods which I had told DH but not actually done myself and it was working!
Then I started thinking about the way I act when I am looking after other peoples' kids as well as my own. I make extra special effort to do things the way I know I should and to find non-shouting, non-aggressive ways to 'keep control' of them all because I don't feel comfortable shouting at other people's children. So when they are playing and I sense a 'fight' brewing, I go over and get down and play with them for a few moments and talk gibberish and it distracts them from the fight they were going to have, then when they are calmer I go away again and let them carry on playing on their own.
I realised that the reason our kids go wild at the weekends is because we are ignoring them too much, doing our own thing, normally staring at the TV or our laptops or newspapers because we are knackered after our week. They are bored and want attention. Some of their misbehaviour is to get attention and some of it is because they don't always know how to play unless you give them a few ideas. DH is knackered after a week at work and just wants to stare at the TV or whatever and I feel like I've had the kids all week so I want to make less effort at the weekend because DH is there as well and should be helping me.
I hadn't worked it out really until today why they went extra wild at the weekends, worse than in the week. Ignoring them too much makes them wild. Talking to them in short bursts and playing with them with whatever they are doing but adding a few ideas and then leaving them to it for a bit then coming back to them when they seem like they are going 'loopy' again seems to make them calmer and better at playing independently. Again, when I actually make myself DO it, it works.
Are other people like this? Somewhere in your mind you know what to do and how to do it, you just DON'T do it because you feel tired, ill, moody, depressed or whatever. So maybe our problems aren't so much knowing how to be parents but more to do with somehow looking after ourselves enough that we feel 'well' enough to do it properly.
It seems illogical that when we feel ill, we do crap parenting and then that makes our kids really misbehave which makes us feel even worse but this is what I do!
We tend to think that looking after our own needs is selfish but I'm thinking that if we don't do this we haven't got the mental and physical resources to parent properly so actually looking after yourself is NOT selfish!