Calling all Mum's of demanding kids - are your fuses as short as mine? :( sorry, bit long)

[balanomorey]

Am wondering if I'm normal or in need of anger management!!
My coming up to 3 yo dd is so demanding, I seem to spend 3 parts of my day bawling her out or saying no - it's so demorilising - I'm sure for her too, although I know I have to set boundaraies, don't I?

Her speech and awareness of what's going on around her is, imo sometimes gobsmacking for her age. She knows exactly what she wants, can ask (demand) for it very articulately and comes out with expressions that very often floor me! She seems to know too much at a young age. But as she is so young, she is obviously so very immature in many other ways and always wants to run before she can walk ("I do it" is her favourite expression) and when i say no, because imo what she is asking for she can't do or it is dangerous to have etc, she goes off on one. She also takes forever to do what I ask - all in all, she can be SOOOO frustrating - but at the same time, adorable and I lurve her to bits!

However, as I said all this continual conflict of interest is wearing me down as I am constantly saying no and shouting to the point where she will say 'don't shout at me' before bursting into tears or she will panic if she knows or thinks she's done something wrong as she will say "sorry, sorry, sorry" over and over and looks genuinely scared I'm going to tear her off a strip .

Feel really bad this morning as we were late getting to nursery and she suddenly decided just as we were going out the door that she needed the potty. I was not best pleased as she has used the potty as an excuse lately to keep getting out of bed or stall bedtime...she sits there for ages insisting she needs to go and nothing happens, so assumed she was playing this game again. This happened last night at 3 in the morning (the sides have just come off her cot, and I think she thinks this is a great excuse for disturbing the household in the middle of the night now that she can get out and tell us she needs a wee)...so this morning I bawled her out for needing the potty (frazzled on the back of a bad night, maybe) and felt awful as she then proceeded to do a big wee...told me to say sorry for shouting at her...and told me how much she loves me ..so have been feeling guilty and crap mum all morning.

Just a bit of a rant really, but make me feel better by telling me I'm not unusual to shout - I hate shouting and am fed up of spending a large part of my day bawling and getting wound up. Am I alone in this?
Thanks for reading, sorry so long, just needed to vent. x.

Great to read that Balanomorey.

Fizzbuzz - can we just put our dds in a room and shut the door and go and have a glass of wine cup of tea??

Your dd sounds exactly like mine. Mine was ill on Friday and I thought that explained her bad behaviour of late. I settled her in front of the telly and 2 minutes later she was up again. Ill enough to be really grumpy but not ill enough to just sleep.

By Saturday she was feeling better but still behaving appallingly.

I feel I deserve a medal - I have made it through 2 days (well, one and a half!) without losing it and I think we might be getting somewhere. Friends came to play and toys were SHARED! And then lunch was eaten (the first proper meal in about a week) with only a small amount of fuss.

However, every 5 minutes there is a meltdown about something (particularly enjoyed the one where she wanted to brush her teeth with my brush and I wouldn't let her - how unreasonable of me ). It is taking every ounce of effort to stay calm.

Has anyone else noticed that most of the 'spirited' children on this thread are girls?

Well done Balanoymorey - I am striving to follow your example!

Yes it does seem to be mainly girls......

I've had the toothbrush buisness as well. The worst thing is when I am trying to get ready for work, and she wants to put my shoes on . Only the ones I am wearing you understand, and if I try to second guess her and swap thm for another pair, she immediately then wants those. All in the chaos of the morning..

I would agree with putting them in a room (it would be an interesting expriemnet to see who would tantrum most).

Dd has been bearable to day, as we have been shopping for new shoes which she loves. Although she did have a paddy in the shop as she only wanted the pink ones Ds never cared what shoes he wore, in fact used to hide under the chair for most of a shoe shopping experience

I have refused to pander today, and stood my ground...

Balanamory seems to have a much more hopefu outlook, I have read her last post several times, and have decided to take a lot of what she says on board. Trouble is when the red mist descends I just forget to count to 20

Hi everyone, i am new to mumsnet. this thread has really helped me deal with my DD's (3.5)behaviour. we were going through a really tricky patch, but after reading some of your posts I realised that i really needed to change my attitude and I have tried to chill out and use different ways of dealing with her. Her behaviour has improved a lot although it's not completely plain sailing. i don't suppose it ever will be really. i have really enjoyed reading this thread as it seems that you are all lovely 'normal'mums.

Has anyone got any top tips on bedwetting? 3 year olds drynites not keeping bed dry as leaking. Have been getting him up to pee a couple of hours after he goes to bed and stopping drinks after teatime. Should I just persevere?

Something else girls, that really gives me a kick up the backside when i need it. I imagine a conversation that might take place between me & my dd maybe 20 years in the future. She says something like "Mum, one of my first recollections of when I was little was of you shouting at me....why did you shout a lot?". I imagine myself squirming and coming up with some feeble answer like "I'm sorry, I found your behaviour very taxing and it just made me lose my temper a lot of the time". Then she says "But Mum, I was just a little girl. I wasn't old enough to control my emotions or know when i was being naughty and testing the boundaries too far. You should have had more control as you were the grown up. Maybe you expected too much of me. When I'm a mum, I am so going to try not to be like you were...." How awful would that be? I don't want to be that lady in 20 yrs time.

This thread has been such a good wake up call. I'm also trying to not be so hard on myself either - i am aware that I shout (hopefully less now than I did) but I also think of all the good things I do and the amount of love I show my dd - i can take comfort in that...but the balance has to be right. The discipline has to be measured and dished out when appropriate...but the love, affection and patience has to far outweigh it. Hopefully this will make harmony and peace reign. x.

Balanory LOL, why wait 20 years?

My 14 year old ds has this conversation with me quite frequently, he just loves to guilt trip me

balanomorey, you're sounding so positive and thoughtful, and I'm inspired and buoyed up by your recent posts- lots of good ideas for me to think about.

We've been having a good week so far. Was able to treat DD to a 'prize' today for having completed a sticker chart (she has managed 7 nights without her dummy!) She chose a new toy and a HUGE cupcake from a very nice bakery. It was lovely to be able to treat her and to say: 'you deserve this'.

I'm making the most of it all as there'll probably be further challenges just around the corner

higgledypiggledy- not sure what to suggest but might just be a case of persevering. Hard work for you though, in the meantime

sueresus, hello Sounds like things are going well at the moment, well done on trying to be chilled out, it's amazing the difference it makes.

Balano, I like that thing about the future conversation. I often get annoyed because I feel that the DCs are ungrateful for what I do for them and always want more. It might seem as though our DCs are ungrateful for what we do for them now but if we keep at it and find all the strength and calmness we can, I think the love we show them and the positive things we try to teach them will sink in if we stay consistent with it, even though it often seems like they aren't listening or taking it in at the time, and in the future, when they grow into young adults who know how to be happy and how to cope in the real world and how to give and receive love and friendship, they WILL be grateful. They are too young at the moment to really understand about being grateful.

I was dreading half term and kind of getting angry in advance, expecting DD to act really spoilt (see my last post) but it is going ok so far! When I'm doing things with them both I am enjoying being with them more than I have for ages. It's because I'm feeling better about a whole lot of things and things are making more sense to me. I'm not so locked into my own head, so preoccupied with my thoughts that I'm not 'all here'. I'm not just thinking of the children as more hard work and more irritation and more reminders of what was wrong with my own childhood so much. I'm really starting to look at the children and actually see them and what makes them, them and feeling amazed by them and respectful of them and proud of them for their unique qualities. I'm really connecting with them more and realising how disconnected I've felt for a while previously and how depressed/ill I must have been.

I am so glad I did what I thought was a self-indulgent thing and got a therapist because in the end it isn't self-indulgent because I am starting to see the children benefitting from a mother who is less wrapped up in scrambled racing thoughts and extreme emotions that stopped me functioning properly, who wanted to escape from everything and now I am more 'here in the present' for them and more contented with my life as their mother and their father's wife.

Now I've said all this it will probably all go wrong tomorrow, but even if it does, I'm having more good days/good moments than bad now.

A thought that really helps me to feel good about being a mother, even on days when the children misbehave or cry/rage a lot and it is all such hard work is:

We are doing a very important job which we should be proud of having, of teaching our children how to be happy and ways to cope in the real world and treat themselves and other people with respect. This will make the world a better place. Having this long term goal rather than just thinking 'another day of hard work to get through' makes it feel worthwhile. Also if that day has been full of bad behaviour but you know you have said/done things which allow them to learn from their mistakes about how they should behave then that day has been an important learning experience for them. Even if they don't seem to 'get it' and don't immediately change their behaviour, if you keep telling them how they should behave (more than how they shouldn't) and talking to them about your positive values I believe it will sink in over time.

DH said something useful to me the other day about when we do things we feel aren't perfect parenting or when he shouts a lot (because he thinks shouting is ok, I'm not so sure). I worry a lot over these things and worry that I could become as bad at parenting as my parents, but he said there is an important difference - we don't ONLY do these 'bad' things, we show the children lots of love and affection and give them lots of praise AS WELL (things my parents didn't do). This probably seems obvious but it wasn't to me. For anyone with crap parents who worries about being like them, this thought might help.

Higgledypiggledy, I had this problem with DS when he was 3. I was washing his sheet and mattress protector every day for a while. I put him into bigger nappies, the ones for 4-7 yr olds.

Just a quick question: why do tired children feel the need to run around as fast as possible, while making as much noise as possible?

Surely lying down and taking a breather would be the more logical option?

Ah well, I guess bathtime beckons.

Don't know Olifin, but it is true, they really do, and they don't know that they are tired, and if you tell them they are tired they get cross! A bath does calm them down a bit though. I just gave mine a bath and now they are wrapped in a blanket together watching TV. Normally they never sit still and watch TV longer than 5 mins! I've exhausted them today though with halloween activities and football.

Just realised that at 5pm ish the kids go mad but so do I become really intolerant and I think it is because my blood sugar is low, so stuffed my face with mini milky ways and mars bars and a banana and felt a bit better today

Been shouting and ranting and unable to focus on the children properly again today. I've got a bit of a headache and sore throat, DH is away and I miss him, I sent him a text last night and he didn't reply - this is such a small thing but it has got me in a mood. It seems like I can just about cope with the children and do things the right way when I am well but when I'm even slightly ill it seems to go immediately wrong!

DD keeps nagging me about the next thing and the next thing and rushing me and I can't concentrate. At times when I'm trying to get things done quickly I find it hard to say the right thing rather than just telling her to be quiet eg in Tesco. I suppose I should say "Sorry DD I can't really talk right now because I'm trying to concentrate, I'll talk later".

I have started saying "enjoy what you have got/what you are doing now and don't keep worrying about the next thing". I'm hoping if I keep saying it she will get less 'jumpy', anxious, 'hyper'. It does seem like a kind of anxiety that she really wants the next thing and is worried she won't get it and is looking for reassurance that she will. Even if I put her in the car but don't do the seat belt immediately she gets really anxious because she thinks I might not do it. Does this just show anxiety that her needs might not be met? Does this show I have been neglectful somehow previously? Or maybe it is genetic because I often recognise my own anxious ways in her. Or do I act so anxious myself that she has learnt it from me.

I'm worried DD is already one of those 'modern' people who wants instant gratification all the time and bigger and bigger 'thrills' and gets bored of things quickly and wants more and more and will never have contentment. I think most kids do get most of what they want materially and don't have to wait long for things and have more activities provided for them by us than in the old days. It seems better than being bored all the time and not having much but is it all going too far the other way? Is it having a harmful effect on our kids because they aren't learning to be content/happy/grateful with what they have already got?

I suppose I should talk to the children about how good things are in the present and get them to notice and talk about all the good details and even say a quick prayer eg Thank you God for this lovely cake . We aren't even religeous but I think being able to have a 'ritual' (prayer) where you say thank you to someone (God) for what you have got is the easiest way to teach children how to be grateful. I don't think they can understand "I feel grateful, and thank you - to who?, thin air?".

Feel a bit better after typing (trying to talk some positivity into myself). Will now take DD to 'our' cafe that we go to when DS is at nursery and she is not at school. It is something I started doing to try to improve our relationship.

Wow, you have been thinking about this alot!!

I don't really have time to respond to everything but I really don't think it is a good idea to bring God into it if you are not religious.

I hope your special time with DD goes well.

hi AN, hi everyone! balano - SO glad things sound so much more positive. well done you. gosh - SO much to catch up on, on this ever-lengthening and fab thread!! AN, i am so with you on the worrying instant gratification thing. it seems to me a real concern in this generation of children. my DD is variably interested in god and metaphysics but gives me short shrift if i try to push the gratitude-sent-heavenwards thing (my DH is a rabid atheist so that is part of the reason!!) but i totally see where you're coming from on that one. i find modern society quite depressing on so many counts. i hate them watching ads on telly (tho of course they do at times) and so on. could write so much more but time limited (good old half-term eh?)
and, my DD doesn't so much want the next thing all the time as - variation on the same anxious theme, i suspect - WORRY about the next thing constantly. for instance today we attempted a fun family walk up on a nearby snow-covered ridge. ha!! we were barely out of the car and she was already virtually in tears over various neuroses - 1/ the snow might make her mittens wet 2/ her toes might freeze 3/ DS might throw a snowball down her neck (fair point-she was right on that count!! ). it is so exhausting constantly chivvying her along - i have to be so f*ing JOLLY all the time!!! which i manage, mostly, bcs of the breaks afforded to me by the fact that she is school age.that's made such a difference to me. but those of you with this sort of thing at the pre-school stage - ARRGH!!! it's so WEARING!
must go put potatoes in the oven etc for tea Y A W N - am so not a natural domestic goddess... back soon x

It's such a relief to find you aren't on your own. This thread is fantastic.

Tried to take dd to MIL's for a bit of relief yesterday. She was sick 4 times in the car on the way there (20mins). She has been ill for ages, and whilst I love her to bits, and hate to see her ill, it is so WEARING. Screaming ALL the way home in traffic (not that I blame her, poor vomit ridden child)

Got home, recoverd, and complete nightmare again all day. I'm struggling with anxiety at the moment (Quelle suprise!) and waiting for Ad's to kick in, so everything is doubly hard.

She has gone to MIL's today, I have had an antire day to myself...done wonders for my mood. Is there any evolutionary reason why they are such hard work at this age? It must be something to do with survival (theirs not ours of course)

Hope everyone has had a reasonable day, or even good, fingers crossed

There is some really good advice on this thread, it really has made me think. Just another point... if you are in pain it really isn't going to help things. Can you do anything about it? I know when I have had bad back in the past it has shortened my fuse quite a bit with the kids. A good physio or acupuncturist might help.

hi girls! how are we all? hi pup, fizz etc! i have been a little distracted by some f*ckwit serving my DH and kids at a fast-food-restaurant-that-shan't-be-named flinging a cup of scalding hot coffee over DD's head...face...ear...neck. nice one!! he TRIPPED! luckily they were ten mins from a burns unit. a reminder of how amazing the NHS so often is in a crisis. they were brilliant. shouldn't scar as so young etc. DD has been amazing. maybe spirit = courage under (literally - well almost!!) fire!
hope you girls are all well. x

Katiek, to hear about your DD. That must have been dreadful for you all. I am glad to hear she is doing ok. It sounds like she handled it all really well. And you too.

My DC have been great recently and we have coped with half-term, halloween, DS2's 7th birthday party, and organising a PTA event without me losing it.
I really feel this thread has helped me to 'grow and change' in the way I manage the DC.
So Thanks all

mimi hi - that's great!! well done you. including a PTA event on the yay!-i-didn't-lose-it! list is what really brings home the fact that things are going well chez mimizan in my (jaded) view!!

DD is back at school today very proud of her war wounds and loving the attention

i am having trouble with (hitherto rarely-mentioned ) 5 yr-old DS at the moment - clingy, whiny, demanding, hormonal. obsessed with tv - driving me mad. the 'raising boys' thread (check it out - v funny as steve biddulph himself pipes up after a few messages!)suggests a testosterone surge at 5 may be the reason - it really is like some chemical switch has flicked . i know i have always pandered to him a bit too much (my blue-eyed sweet boy! mmh well used to be at least!!)so maybe this is pay-back time. oh well - time to start fine-tuning the old discipline skills YET AGAIN!!

glad hallowe'en went well. we took ours trick-or-treating down the dark lane to our...two neighbours. so it was short but successful!!

balano - are you okay? how are things going? xxx

Katie, thank God your DD is ok! It must have been awful.

I agree with Mimizan about this thread. I found it spurred me on and encouraged me to think of ways to improve my parenting and put them into practice. It has been motivational.

Started off feeling quite positive this morning, had lots of things planned to do with dd. However, after 4 hours of dd whining and moaning feel completely deflated. I cannot bear how she follows me round the house while I try and do things, all the time whining. DD is now 3 and she has been moaning solidly for 2 and a half years. I just want it to stop, if only for half an hour! Its so frustrating, she has 2 parents who love her, a house full of toys, games, books etc grandparents who spend time with her and absolutely adore her and lots of little nursery friends and yet shes never bloody happy!

Hi All
KatieK - so sorry to hear about what happened to dd - you must have been beside yourself - I'd have been in bits. So glad she's on the mend...poor you!

I'm doing really good, thank you! Dd has been a complete angel for the past few weeks - the change in her behaviour has been remarkable! I have really been able to reason with her and explain why she can't do certain things and she seems to be more or less accepting what I say without any tantrums!!! eg she had started to get really upset everytime I said sshh to her - now she asks me to say sshh to her so she can demonstrate to me that she can 'take it', so to speak by standing there smiling and saying "see, mummy, I'm not crying even though you just said sshh!" and when I have to say it for genuine reasons, she dosn't get herself into the tizzy she used to!!

On the whole, I feel I have a different child. I am much more chilled and so much more measured in how I deal with her.

I'm really trying to be a calmer person for both of us - but I have a tendancy to yell "no" like some shrieking banshee if I can see something unfolding that isn't what I want to happen and I think it's rubbing off on her as she is starting to yell in this panicky way too. eg whenever we come in the front door, the dog makes a beeline for the great outdoors and freedom as she's been stuck in on her own while we've been out, as dogs do! So instead of calmly calling her back I'm stood there yelling at her to get back inside quickly - the other day she ran off after a cat into the next doors garden and dd went hysterical - as you can imagine I was screaming blue murder at the dog to get back in the house and leave the cat alone. Now, everytime as we are comeing in through the door she grabs the dogs ears, tail whatever she can get hold of to try to stop her getting out of the door as she's terrified she is going to run off again - it's not calm and measured, sheer blind panic....and it's my fault as she's copying my behaviours. So, still need to calm down a little bit more yet and still some rough corners to sand down - but I feel I'm getting there and I'm a much happier mummy than I was a month back - my fuse has lengthened considerably! Thanks. x.

Slowly - God, it's hard isn't it, the continual whinging is like chinese water torture! I do sympathise. . What does dd like doing the best - surely there must be something that is guarateed to put a smile on her face? Whatever it is, do it with her this afternoon just to halt the whinging for a bit. With dd, getting the paints out or something simple like making a jelly puts a smile on her face - anything that will lift her mood and just give you a break from it for a bit. Or can you drop her round to grannys for the afternoon? Sounds like you need a break. Hope the rest of the day improves for you. x.