am absolutley fuming.....but think i may have ott with punishment?

[micci25]

dd1 4 has always been the apple of every ones eye, or the golden child, of my family and is therefore v spoilt, but lately her behavior has been getting worse and worse.

today we were walking to her nan's where she has her sunday lunch and she was pushing her wooden dog toy along when all of a sudden she screamed and started smashing the toy up on the side of the road!

i asked why why she told me she hated the toy it was stupid and she is glad that she broke it!

as her punishment i told her we were going home she wouldnt be going to her nan's that day but that just seemed to make things worse!

she is not sorry at all for what she did to the toy or telling me she hated me, or slamming all the doors on her way back in the house

her punishment i have decided is that she has lost all priveledges, her tv, dvd, cd player have been taken out of bedroom and there is tv or access to laptop, ds and wii untill i believe she is suitably sorry!

when i went to check on her and see what she wanted for lunch she told me she smashed up her toy because she angry with it and she also angry with me!!!!

i know that this punishment sounds extreme but i have had it up to here with her behavior, she is constantly answering back and just blatently ignoring me, telling me she never gets anything and her cousin has loads of good toys and she gets nothing, she is prone to violence towards me, is constantly in a temper at something .... the list could go on..she is just generally ferral!!!!

i know my punishment seems a bit ott but really dont know what else to do her behavior needs to calm down before she hurts herself or some one else!

does any one have any suggestions or has had similar experiences with wild uncontrolable children?

You're right from now on the kids kiddies kidoodles can fend for themselves, right now my five year old is wrestling with the barbeque, I haven't taught him how to use it what's the point.
As for affairs, I ask my partner and never wait for the answer, is that why he doesn't respond??
Instinct is really useful for leaving gas on and falling down the stairs, isn't it?

not sure what has happened to this thread what has fat genes got do with anything? dd1 is underwieght so am quite sure that she has no fat gene! she also doesnt sit in the middle of the road watching tv and playing with matches! lmao

also just to clarify again the wii is not hers its her dads and is not in her room, she has, or had, access to it when she wanted to, her tv has no tv stations so it's hardly unsupervised tv as she could only watch videos and dvds that have been picked for her.

and no when i had she wasnt wanted as such but am v glad that i had her and she is very loved now and has been since she was born! so i am not trying to palm her off onto her tv i bought her her tv because she asked for it and i love her so i dont like saying no to her as i dont like seeing her upset! she is v rarely up in her room during the day watching tv she uses it on a morning when she wakes up at 5 am or some other ridiclous time

Micci, saying no to a child and the little upset that follows is preventing her from having a hard life where she can't have everything that she wants.

But micci think about what you said there, you don't like saying no and seeing her upset. What happens when she starts school, going to play with friends, etc etc.
What are you teaching about the world by saying yes all the time and buying her all these things just because she asked.

We have a tv upastairs it is in my room and it is only ever used by the children, if they get up at 5am we put on a video snuggle up together and I doze watch it with them, sometimes dd does need a bit of space from her little brother and she may go and watch something but I honestly cannot remember the last time she did that. YEs she goes to her room but rather than sit in front of the telly she is looking at books, playing imaginative games etc.

Sorry can I also ask another question why do you have her day so structured? Learning, free play all at set times etc? Not trying to be rude just curious.

I was allowed to have a TV in my room when I could pay for it myself. It took over a year and a half of saving christmas and birthday money plus baby sitting money before I could afford a very old second hand TV when I was 15. I think that was about right

really I never paid for a tv for myself till I was 24 ....maybe I'm a spoilt brat huh

micci - hope you can glean something useful from amongst the mad ramblings now going on on this thread! Hope things improve with your dd.
smutney - you are insane. Have you ever read Pinker btw?? (I'd be surprised...I have...)
You sound like you're spouting odd phrases you've heard / read in passing - if your posts were an essay I think you might get done for plagiarism...

i ahve never had her day so sturctured up untill recently and i so it to manage her behavior (i suspect that she has a form of adhd but dont want her medicating) she seems to be responding really well to knowing what she is meant to be doing and what she is doing next! her routine isnt set in stone there is room for adjustments i.e. she might want to comtinue learning time or her own or if she is tired/ill we might just read instead of learning etc.

had a massive fight today over her routine she was looking forward to going to dancing till her aunt (who is a v bad influence and is more like a child herself and is only allowed into my house because she is my sister) turned up so she decided that she would not go to dancing, had to drag her there kicking and screaming (quite literally) but once there she really enjoyed herself and aunt was still there once she got home!

see, i am learning to say and trying to take back control (although she still had sarnie shop for lunch when she was meant to be having home made burger and veggies and has had burger and chips for dinner instead of cicken and spinache mash!!) but i am getting some where with her. today has been the first tantrum in about three days, which is a lot better than three times a day or more

Micci, why would you label her with ADHD? Good god, take a long hard look at how you have treated her and the influences around her and you will find the answer to her behaviour and you will also find methods to change her behaviour too. It's all too easy to blame a medical condition and very unwise. You must be able to see that if a child is in the middle of you and your parents and everyone is trying to give her her own way it can only end in tears.
Raising a child is not supposed to be easy, that's why most of us come on here with our woes of one nature or another. If my child is rude I carry that responsibility, bratty that too and best of all when they are around other children and are the best behaved then I get a well deserved pat on the back too.

My sister believed that children should learn for themselves and never set any boundaries or rules. The children were home educated, or rather educated themselves as and when the spirit moved them, they had no set bedtime, no set anything. But she had no machines of any kind in the house either as she thought they emitted radiation. Now, one of her children runs a medium-sized banana republic and the other is transgendered and something mysterious in MI5. So it's really hard to know what to do for the best.

her tantrums arent the only reason, she wont eat as it entails sitting still for too long, she is v forgetfull, finds it hard to concentrate on anything for more than five mins unless it is something she really loves and despite the fact that she fractured her gum last week running wild she is currently diving all over my sofas with no regard for her own safety (she actually dived too far a couple of days ago and landed on her head but did it stop her, no she was back on there less than five minutes later)

she is the same at nursery apparnetly and dances through story time instead of sitting down and unless she finds what she is learning particulalrly challenging or interesting she will continue to dance or wander around randomly untill she finds a group who is doing something that she likes, the teachers obvioulsy guide her back to her own group, story corner but then she will either just get up again or have a tantrum

So what the hell is she going to be like when she goes to school . This is your fault she is like this not ADHD . Yours and yours alone . So at school and she dosnt like what they are doing she will wander off ,I dont think so . She will be in for a very large shock . What about the other kids in the class is it fair some prima donna is prancing around not doing as she is asked because she dosnt want to. I will tell you now she wont be liked by any teacher . They wont find her cute and adorable they will think she is a pain in the arse .Do you really want people to think about her in this way . If you are looking for something to blame you only have to look at yourself. You keep coming back with excuses everytime . It cant possibly be you . Well it is ,why arnt you stopping her jumping on the furniture . Seriously you need to go to parenting classes . I know this is harsh but you need a kick up the bum and stop blaming everything else Look closer to home instead.

I haven't read the thread but no 4 year old should have all the 'stuff' she has to begin with imo. what's wrong with a few books and some toys to stimulate her imagination. I don't want to say she sounds spoilt because people may throw things at me, but excessive material things do not equal a happy child ime.

i have never said that it is not my fault i think that i have already admitted that yes i have been niave in thinking that her behavior wasnt going to be affected as much as it has been by all that she has i have now realised that and taken them all away and it is going to take a serious change in her behavior to earn them back and keep them, they be taken away again as easily as they can be given back.

yes she is a prima dona and hated it when the dancing teacher didnt remember her name but i explained to her that the world does not revolve around her and her alone and i think that she is slowly starting to realise that

i mentioned earlier in the thread that she was moved up groups in her nursery class as she was more advanced than other kids her age and found that work too easy (plus she had already covered it at her private nursery) so she is now repeating work that she has already done as they are not allowed to move her upto school untill sept and she will be going to a diff school anyway as we are moving soon. i think that she finds nursery quite boring because of this, hopefully at school they will be able to give her work she finds more challenging

because she is so charasmatic she usually can get away with this behavior which drives me wild and gets v upset when she cant.

micci0- watching tv, playing computer games, never having any free time just to poke around in dirt following your own interests or talk about life the universe and everything with your parent/ carer, all lower the attention span of a child. Also, when you have everything you think you want in life, there is no need to settle down and concentrate.

I'm not saying there is nothing wrong with your daughter (which appears to be your concern coming through your posts), just that until you have tried rearing her in a calm environment more focussed on the emotional needs of a child of her age, you can't be sure that her behaviour is not environmental. She is definitely young enough for her behaviour to be altered for the better if you are consistent about it now. The unwillingness to settle down and learn anything, whilst not altogether a problem at nursery level, will start very soon to cause her problems. These issues are much easier to address before they become a real problem.

micci- I'm sorry but I really think you are on the wrong path with making her "earn" these things back. They are developmentally inappropriate for her age. You are not doing her any favours by allowing her to have these things, quite the reverse. She needs time to kick around in the garden, play with playdough and mess around like a normal kid, not anx about having to earn back these things that she didn't ask for, probably doesn't want, and are too much too soon. She is little more than a baby and should be exploring the world with her senses.

Duchesses has said very well what I was thinking. I cannot sit here and say that there is no ADHD possibilities, I don't know your dd but I DO know a lot of people who have self diagnosed and labelled their children with these things rather thatn actually pull out the stops and change the behaviour themselves. I actually feels it belittles the people who do have sn and their families that deal with it every day.

I don't want to be brutal but I honestly believe if you are less of a friend or fun aunt role and more of a parent then the balance will shift. At home you have taught your dd that the world revolves around her and what she wants she gets which is exactly why she behaves like this in nursery. YEs at home she is your world but she also has a few lifes lessons to learn on the way to adulthood and it is your job to make sure she does.

well i am trying to change her behavior by having a more regimented routine and it does have times in it where she can do play doh alhough she prefers moon sand which drives me mad as it gets every where! she cannot seem to keep it on the table then it gets walked everywhere by the dog and me!

she is not my world here i have dd2 and quite often am baysitting my sisters kids so she has had to realise that she does not always come first!

i do think she seems to be better behaved when have better more regimeneted routine and she looks forward to learning time the most and often wants this extending but as it is something that is done together this doesnt happen as it is her free time (moon sand time!!) next which i need to use to wash up brekkie pots and do her lunch so she does not always get her own way, at least not here anyway.

If I couldn't bare moon sand my children would play with it whne they had really earned it. They cannot play Hungry Hippos for example becasue it's so noisey so that's a special treat game!!
Micci, like duchesse said, it's not about earning these things back it's about not having them.

posie i realise that she should never have had these things and was only thinking about giving them back one a week with limited usage as a reward for good behavior (park time, baking etc cannot be used as a reward as we already do all these things) as buying her new things as rewards would only enforce the feeling that she is entitled to have all these things when what she needs to learn is that she is not entitled but lucky to have such things. i do not want her good behavior to go unrewarded.

plus i do not really want to ban usage of laptop esp completely as i have found that when used properly they can be valuable learning tools i.e. dora the explorer games encourage basic maths, reading, writing, counting and spanish

What about a sticker chart? You would be amazed at the impact a small sticky bit of paper has. Noone saying ban the laptop, I think most people object to TV, Wii etc in the bedroom. Look it's your life and your DCs perhaps you could read a couple of books by Tanya Byron or someone that can give you a really clear picture of what is happening in your house. And as you seem to have a bit iof cash for gadgets if you're really stuck there are professionals that can help.
I really hope you sort it out as you will enjoy your dd so much more.

hullygully
why don't you ask your sister to tell you what to post for her. Behaviour cannot be changed.There may be temporary changes but dd will revert to type and develop in her own way regardless of our rules rewards and regulatory attempts to modify behaviour.
Most posts on this subject read like group therapy where the object seems to be to get approval and approbation .Its not so much about the children's 'problems' as it is about the mothers'.The children carry on regardless its the mothers that try to get something out of posting anecdotes and half-baked theories.
Ecceentric as she appears to be your sister was probably proved right in the end Her childrren became what they are despite her.Twin studies have over the years proved this.
Purplejennyrose.
I use S Pinker's books on brains to send me to sleep.

Smutney, I look forward to another crazy rant and I must remember to tell any CBT counsellors to just give up their worthless occupation.

but seriously smutney, why aren't you posting on any other thread?

Guessing you're not a fan of CBT then?