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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

3 year old HATES nursery - DAY 2

136 replies

Disenchanted · 15/04/2008 13:52

Well from this morning he was saying he 'didn't want to go'

Surprisingly he put his uniform on without fuss and also left the house, but after about 3 mins of walking he realised where we were going and started to cry

The whole way there we had :

'I don't want to go there'

'Please take me home mummy'
'Its scary, Im scared'

He was holding onto lampposts, tring to sit on the floor, walking slowly.

We got to the playground and he was just saying 'No,no,nono.

We went in and he burst into tears , wouldn't take his coat off, still wouldn't speak to any of them.

Just tried hiding behind me crying, clinging onto me.

The teacher told me to do as yesterday so I told him I was just going to get Daddy and baby brother and would be back soon to pick him up.

The teacher took him off me and held him whilst I walked away listening to him sobbing.

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Original poster

Disenchanted · 15/04/2008 13:55

Don't know if I can last the week.

OP posts:

ScubaDuba · 15/04/2008 14:03

Similar thing going on here with dd (2.11). Every morning, even weekends and holidays, her first sentence of the day is, 'I'm not going to xxxx'. Every single day. Some mornings she has settled OK, others not at all. She has come out with wet pants many times (she never has accidents at home and hasn't worn a night nappy since last year).

Tomorrow is meant to be her first morning back after the holidays but she does have quite a bad cold atm so I may delay her start until Monday. I am not looking forward to it. I worry if she is still too young but part of me also thinks that it's good for her to mix with her peers, etc.

I'll be watching this thread for any pearls of wisdom.

frazzledbutcalm · 15/04/2008 14:03

Sorry dis. dd2 didnt like nursery til the day she left! Nursery always said she was just playing me up as she was fine when she was there. I disagree and tried to point out the difference of being ok because you like being there and being ok because you have to be there. We've had problems settling her into school and have been getting help - but thats another story! Hope your ds comes round, most do, but not all!

Original poster

Disenchanted · 15/04/2008 14:05

Scuba does your DD have to be there? Is it a childcare thing?

My issue is Im a SAHM and am at home with DS2 anyway. I feel like he doesn't need to be there as Im here for him and think maybe I should just keep him with me until school age (5)

OP posts:

Janni · 15/04/2008 14:06

Will they allow you to stay with him? Would that make a difference? This does not sound good.

Original poster

Disenchanted · 15/04/2008 14:12

They basically think its best for us to just 'go'

I don't like doing it though.

If hes not a bit better by Friday Im taking him out.

OP posts:

frazzledbutcalm · 15/04/2008 14:13

You dont have to send children to nursery but they do learn a variety of things they wont learn at home - sharing social skills etc. I'd perservere as most children do get used to it and enjoy nursery. Looking back, i knew my dd would never settle and sometimes i wish i'd kept her home, but i thought i was doing the best for her but now im not so sure. She's my 3rd out of 4 children, ds2 (child 4) starts nursery next week and i think he'll be fine once he settles into the routine.

frazzledbutcalm · 15/04/2008 14:13

I'd leave him longer than friday.

cockles · 15/04/2008 14:16

Do you have to have nursery? If not, ie if it's not essential childcare, I would start with something easier like playgroup where you can be there or not. My son's been at nursery over a year and he still sometimes cries when I go, I hate it and I am still questioning whether another option would be better. As for the social skills there's lots of other ways they can learn them, there's no need at all imo to be at nursery at 2 or 3 unless you need them to be taken care of.

Original poster

Disenchanted · 15/04/2008 14:17

Thats what I mean cockles, I REALLY dont want him to be there TBH.

OP posts:

ScubaDuba · 15/04/2008 14:21

No, dd doesn't have to go, it's our choice. She attends three mornings each week. The nursery manager has suggested that I collect dd after just a couple of hours next time she attends and build it up slowly from there. She enjoys certain aspects of the nursery environment but still seems very reluctant to join in some activities. I'm still unsure whether to have her attend until the end of the summer term or to try again next week and withdraw her until September if she is still unsettled....

Callisto · 15/04/2008 14:21

I actually think that children just as easily learn social skills that don't go to nursery. I don't believe that forcing a child to get used to something that upsets them is good for them. My dd is 3 and I have no plans to send her to nursery or reception as imo it all happens at too young and age.

DD is 3 btw.

Callisto · 15/04/2008 14:23

Apologies for the dreadful sentence structure and typos there btw.

ScubaDuba · 15/04/2008 14:24

We went to toddler group each week before dd started nursery but she was one of the oldest (and therefore biggest) children there (they were nearly all under 18mths old). Contrast this with nursery where she is amongst the youngest and smallest. I wonder if things will be better in Sept, when the older and bigger children have moved onto school...

frazzledbutcalm · 15/04/2008 14:25

I used to think it was all part of their growing up and learning experience but after dd problems i'm not so sure. I kind of agree with you cockles but at the same time most kids love nursery or learn to love it quite quickly. Part of me wishes i'd kept dd home from nursery but we're still having problems with reception class at school, so i really think that some kids just don't and won't adapt to school life, they have to be there though.

AMumInScotland · 15/04/2008 14:28

If he doesn't enjoy it, and you don't need it for childcare, then personally I would take him out. He won't be learning social skills if he's miserable. Are there any mother & toddler things you can do together? Some children just aren't ready to be left in that kind of setup at his age, and it does them more good to develop their confidence with mum before they can get the benefit of time away from you.

Callisto · 15/04/2008 14:31

Having re-read the OP, I agree with Mum in Scotland. I don't think he will 'get used to it' in another couple of days, and if you're both so upset why persevere?

Original poster

Disenchanted · 15/04/2008 14:33

Im going to see how he was today, if hes still clinging onto the teacher with wide eyes and cries when he sees us then Im seroiously going to have to rethink this.

OP posts:

terramum · 15/04/2008 14:36

I had something similar happen today with DS (3.9) when we tried out a new singing/dance group that's just started. I told him about it at the weekend & he seemed really excited about, especially as his Nana and the girl she looks after that he plays with would be going as well.

It didn't really go to plan though....DS decided it was "horrible" and "nasty" and wouldn't move from a seat in the corner and shouted at me to "stop!" when I joined in with the others. In the end I could see he was getting quite sad/angry so I went and sat with him hoping he would eventually want to join in with the others...but after about 15 minutes he picked up my bag and told me to take him home & dragged me out the door . His Nana started making noises about him "not being used to group settings" which I took as a bit of a dig against us Home educating ...but I could see that wasn't the problem as he was perfectly fine running about with the rest of the children before the session started...he just didn't like the songs & dancing they were doing. TBH I found it rather twee as well .

I'm not bothered that he didn't like it. He doesn't need it. We've done just fine without it until now . I might take him again next week and see how he feels about it then...but shall leave again if he still doesn't like it. I just don't see how making him unhappy can be good for him?

frazzledbutcalm · 15/04/2008 14:37

I agree in part but i think some children need longer than a few days to settle in. After all, its a whold new world we're putting them in and expecting them just to accept it. I'd give it a couple of weeks, then go from there - if things haven't improved, talk in depth to the nursery staff and make your decision after that. Having said that, nursery was definitely not the best option for my dd, but my first 2 were fine with it.

terramum · 15/04/2008 14:42

frazzled - you are incorrect when you say children have to be at school - education is compulsory (from the term after a child turns 5), not school. For those children who can't get on at school there are alternatives like Home education.

frazzledbutcalm · 15/04/2008 14:52

I realise that terra, i'm not confident enough to home teach ! I think my dd would definitely benefit from it though whereas the others are fine at school.

cestlavie · 15/04/2008 14:56

Okay, I'm going against the grain here.

DD2.4 has been going to nursery since she was 9 months old. Even now (although she's actually been fine for the last couple of weeks) she always cries when she gets dropped off and is never thrilled about going - "no nursery, stay home", refusing to get dressed, get in car etc. Other parents with children in nursery all pretty much say the same. With incredibly few exceptions though (actually I can't think of any offhand) all the kids enjoy nursery once they're there and have a really good time - have sneaked to watch unobserved quite a few times, especially in early days, apart from the nursery worker reports etc. Interestingly, MIL who is a primary teacher says very similar - quite a few of the kids are very tearful, especially in the early days about going to/ being dropped off at school but within minutes of their parents going they're fine.

To the OP I'd say this. Firstly, two days is absolutely no time at all. Most places advise that it takes at least a couple of weeks at that age to settle in. It's a big change and they need time to adapt. Ideally it should be introduced gradually. Secondly, even if they love nursery (like DD) they still don't necessarily like the process of going. Thirdly, even if they don't love nursery initially, they may well come round to it. Adjusting to new situations and people is hard for kids at that age.

HonoriaGlossop · 15/04/2008 15:00

disenchanted, I'm so sorry - that sounds like a really horrible morning for you and him; it's truly gut wrenching to be 'doing' that to your child!

i think giving it till Friday is a good idea and I wouldn't second guess yourself on that if I were you. There is absolutely no point in everyone being so miserable if it's not necessary.

Agree with those who say that social skills are learned just as well through home/playgroups; it doesn't have to be nursery and you won't be allowing him to miss out somehow if he doesn't go.

In fact I think if he's the same all week then his response is clearly showing you that he is not ready for this kind of 'social skill' yet. But he will be ready, in his own time

Good luck for the rest of the week. I really sympathise with you for how it was today. Give yourself a glass of wine tonight I think!

jjaandmum · 15/04/2008 15:04

Hi dis, I read your thread from yesterday also, so sorry for you and ds. I've been both a reception and nursery teacher in the past and also have a 3.7 yr ds myself who went through a spell of hating nursery, albeit childcare so he didn't have much choice. Am a bit at the staff not letting you settle him in properly and that you can't build his days and time up. I know from experience that most children are settled when the parents leave but I also know that some children really aren't and that they never enjoy their time. One child I had in nursery was still crying every morning when I taught him again in Year 2!
As a parent I would have stopped taking my ds to nursery if he didn't like it - he now has a choice since I'm at home. I would however have insisted that I was allowed to stay until I felt happy leaving him for short periods and I would have built his days up too. Yesterday I think you said that he had to go every afternoon? Just don't take him every day, there's nothing they can do really. They can only give his place away if you don't turn up for weeks.

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