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Original poster

3 year old HATES nursery - DAY 2

136 replies

Disenchanted · 15/04/2008 13:52

Well from this morning he was saying he 'didn't want to go'

Surprisingly he put his uniform on without fuss and also left the house, but after about 3 mins of walking he realised where we were going and started to cry

The whole way there we had :

'I don't want to go there'

'Please take me home mummy'
'Its scary, Im scared'

He was holding onto lampposts, tring to sit on the floor, walking slowly.

We got to the playground and he was just saying 'No,no,nono.

We went in and he burst into tears , wouldn't take his coat off, still wouldn't speak to any of them.

Just tried hiding behind me crying, clinging onto me.

The teacher told me to do as yesterday so I told him I was just going to get Daddy and baby brother and would be back soon to pick him up.

The teacher took him off me and held him whilst I walked away listening to him sobbing.

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Original poster
Disenchanted · 15/04/2008 19:40

She said he will be fine, there was a chinese boy who cant speak a word of english, for 2 weeks he did nothing but cry and look at the picture of his mother he had in his pocket point to the door and said 'mama''

hes fine now though apparantly

That was her argument FOR him staying there!

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Original poster
Disenchanted · 15/04/2008 19:40

Sorry that was at her nursery class at school BTW

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CoteDAzur · 15/04/2008 20:02

It sounds like the nursery is handling this initial period of separation really badly.

Did you ask your DS why exactly he hates it there? Kids not nice? Teachers not nice? It's not fun? Too much discipline? Or just the fact that you are not there?

I think it is important to find out if it is a nursery-specific problem (in which case you can find another one) or if it is just that he doesn't want to be away from you (in this case I would persevere, but would go to nursery with him, stay with him there for 2-3 days, then gradually withdraw.)

In the meanwhile, I heartily recommend befriending mums of several of your DS' classmates so that he gets to see these kids often and in a more relaxed atmosphere, without the fear of losing you.

This is what worked for us. DD was the proverbial koala child, always on top of me, never interested in anything else even in mother & baby groups.

LIZS · 15/04/2008 20:06

agree with Cotedazur , you need to get to the root of his anxiety to establish if this is perhaps the wrong environment, wrong timing or more time needed for adjustment, on all your parts. Ultimately there will come a time when you have to accept that you cannot make him happy all the time, whether you choose that to be yet is up to you. You need dh on side though and to agree a strategy if this is to work or a time at which to declare it isn't.

FrannyandZooey · 15/04/2008 20:21

Dis I feel really sad at the way in which your mother and MIL are undermining your parenting

I cannot imagine anybody speaking to me like that about a decision I was making for my child

I don't think you should let them treat you like an idiot who needs educating in the right way to do things

tell them you are his mother and you will decide what is right for him

madness · 15/04/2008 20:23

ceslavia, yes I was always told that about them being fine once you have left, but in some case I don't think it is true/

luckylady74 · 15/04/2008 20:38

I'm so so sorry that you have not got the support from your immediate family that you need.
Just because your mil is a nursery teacher does not mean that her thinking isn't backward or that she understands your ds better than you. You spend the most time with him and gave birth to him.
You are making an intelligent, reasoned and heartfelt argument on here as to why this is not right at this time for your ds. You have also planned an excellent alternative. You have the support of many posters on this board. Trust in yourself.

maisiemog · 15/04/2008 20:43

OMG! What is going on with the family! I had someone say that to me: the thing about, 'if you don't make him go he think he can get out of anything blah blah...' when my DS had a wobby after a couple of months of loving pre-school. I don't think they understood that my DS doesn't actually remember what he did yesterday. This isn't a case of a willful child it sounds like a case of not being ready developmentally. What do the teachers think about the situation?
Why do you think your DH is so keen on your DS going? It sounds as if he feels very strongly, particularly if he has rallied his mum around like this.
I wrote on day one about our catholic nursery and how attendance of pre-school there does not mean that the child gets a primary place. Do you think this is the issue?
Can you suggest that your DS goes along to a group where you can also attend, to build his confidence in larger groups of children? Perhaps your DH is worried about your little boy being too shy or something.
If you decide he isn't going to settle at this stage, you may just have to repeat yourself and tell them that he isn't happy and you don't think he is ready. You could say that you will consider another type of group in the meantime and pre-school later on. If the teachers think he would benefit from returning later in the year or whatever, that would help your case, if you decide not to take him back after this week.

1066andallthat · 15/04/2008 20:54

DS2 had real problems at nursery. I withdrew him, after a long conversation with the nursery staff, because the child they described was a sad, lonely figure doing his time and not the mad, happy whirlwind I had at home. I wish I'd done it sooner. Happy at home or miserable in an environment that is optional?

BTW, my SIL removed my niece, years ago, from playgroup - much to everyone's disapproval . Said niece took to school brilliantly, went on to be Headgirl and is now a doctor.

harpomarx · 15/04/2008 21:04

hi disenchanted.

"Saying how if I take him out now he will remember and next time will be worse, ect ..."

not true!

I tried my dd at nursery at about 2.8, stuck with it for a week or two, she clearly wasn't happy, stresssing about it the night before etc.

I did more or less what onwardandupward suggests - took her out and concentrated on doing fun things with her instead to build her confidence up again.

I did put her in nursery (a different one, something was not right for her at the first one) 6 months later and, a few wobbles aside, she was fine.

I think that she learnt from the first experience that I do listen to her and take her anxieties seriously, she has never 'used' this to try to get me to take her out of the second nursery since she is clearly happier there.

harpomarx · 15/04/2008 21:06

btw, the first nursery said to me that they thought i 'was doing the right thing' when i took her out, although they had never said anything to suggest they thought taking her out might be a good idea when I had raised concerns previously.

HonoriaGlossop · 15/04/2008 21:23

totally agree with that post of Franny's - this is undermining you and they shouldn't be doing it.

I think that phrase 'tell them you are his mother and will decide what is right for him' is absolutely IT in a nutshell.

Face them with that and they just can't go anywhere with it. You don't have to explain, or justify - just you're his mum and you're making a choice in your child's best interests - just as, I imagine, THEY did when their kids were young.

I am lucky; I tried ds at nursery for a session or two when he was two, purely for his benefit, I thought he ought to mix etc etc etc...and after just a few sessions, he was still like your ds and crying on the way there...my mum happened to be with me and she just said "why don't you just not do it? No point in you both being unhappy". It was SO helpful to have someone calm and sensible who could validate how I was feeling and it helped me be decisive. I really feel for you doing this within all this disapproval and pressure

But I think your instincts are right and there are lots of people on here who agree with you, FWIW!

Original poster
Disenchanted · 15/04/2008 21:30

I am sooooooooo happy to say DS will NOT be returning tomorrow!

Instead from 9.30-11.30 we are going to a ,other and toddler group.

I broke down crying to DH and spilled my guts and finally he agreed with me

I will be consulting with you all soon to help me construct a fun 'preschool with MUM' weekly activity board

Im soo happy And I know DS will be too!

Can anyone advise me on what to say to the school tomorrow? Bearing inmind i DO wnat him to attend this school at 5? And also have the possibility of trying nursery again but not until at least september??

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Original poster
Disenchanted · 15/04/2008 21:30

PS i hate phoning people and being assertive in these situations

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CoteDAzur · 15/04/2008 21:34

Tell them you feel he is not ready and you will be bringing him back in September.

In the meanwhile, organize playdates with some of the kids in his nursery class. Return in September will be much easier for him with some friends there.

harpomarx · 15/04/2008 21:35

disenchanted, are you 100% sure taht you want your child to attend this school?

don't mean to be tactless but the pre-school sounds a little rigid. Have you had a good look at the school?

your ds sounds quite sensitive (just like my dd) and my main priority in choosing a school was to find one with a nurturing environment.

Original poster
Disenchanted · 15/04/2008 21:37

It was the school I attended and OFSTED classed it as 'outstanding' overall,

it really is a fabulous school, but it IS catholic, as are we! lol, so they do tend to be a little more ridgid.

I really do want him to go there, just not yet.

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LIZS · 15/04/2008 21:41

and bear in mind he may be expected to move to Reception in September next year so you could be applying for his place before Christmas (LEA's vary). Take the tack that you feel he isn't ready , that a more staggered start with you for a few sessions would be possibly helpful in seeing if he would settle (or would they have other suggestions) but if that is not available (recoignsie it might be distracting for other children who have been left) then could you defer longer. Maybe ask if you could come along to summer sports day, fair etc so he can see them having fun in a non pressured way

ShinyPinkShoes · 15/04/2008 21:45

My advice to you would be to stick with it.

If you pull him out now he will expect the same when he starts school- time invested in settling him in now will be a real investment for his future schooling.

Do the school not give priority to children who have attended their nursery?

missyhissey · 15/04/2008 21:45

Aww, I'm so pleased for you and your little boy you've made this decision. You sound so much happier, (there were so many sad faces in your earlier posts) I really think it's the right thing to do for him

Just keep on going to mum and toddler groups, his confidence will build with you around and before you know it he'll be happily going off to school.

LIZS · 15/04/2008 21:48

And assuming you do pull him out altogether , make use of the opportunity to get him used to trips to places like soft play, playdates or toddler groups without you or your ds2. He has to learn to recognise he can have fun without you , and you almost need to give him permission to do so by giving him opportunities in which he can feel secure.

HonoriaGlossop · 15/04/2008 22:02

good for you and your dh disenchanted

At least you and ds will have a happy day tomorrow!

I would keep it very simple when you call the pre-school; just that you feel he's not ready but that you'll certainly try again in the future.

onwardandupward · 15/04/2008 22:05

You completely rock.

Your DS is very lucky to have you as his mummy.

maisiemog · 15/04/2008 22:37

Disenchanted, I'm so glad you have made this decision. What a relief for you!
It sounds as if the nursery teachers are well aware of the situation, and I would be surprised if they didn't half expect this to happen. I'm sure they will be happy to have your DS back when he feels more ready.

lucyellensmum · 15/04/2008 22:45

rotfl about the "well it IS catholic" comment. LOL DD will be off to a catholic school, and i went to one too - i know where you are coming from

I think you are a great mum and have made the right decision. As for the preschool with mum activities, count me IN.....go for the whole hog, ask the powers that be for a topic