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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

3 year old HATES nursery - DAY 2

136 replies

Disenchanted · 15/04/2008 13:52

Well from this morning he was saying he 'didn't want to go'

Surprisingly he put his uniform on without fuss and also left the house, but after about 3 mins of walking he realised where we were going and started to cry

The whole way there we had :

'I don't want to go there'

'Please take me home mummy'
'Its scary, Im scared'

He was holding onto lampposts, tring to sit on the floor, walking slowly.

We got to the playground and he was just saying 'No,no,nono.

We went in and he burst into tears , wouldn't take his coat off, still wouldn't speak to any of them.

Just tried hiding behind me crying, clinging onto me.

The teacher told me to do as yesterday so I told him I was just going to get Daddy and baby brother and would be back soon to pick him up.

The teacher took him off me and held him whilst I walked away listening to him sobbing.

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HonoriaGlossop · 15/04/2008 15:05

cestlavie you make good points; I'm sure most kids ARE fine when their parents go, often because they just are fine, often because, well, they have no choice, do they?!

As you say they learn, most of them, to adapt and they learn sometimes to separate happily, but for some parents like disenchanted I am guessing, it's whether it's worth inflicting that awful separation on them when they are distressed or crying

If you have to, you have to - but if you don't then it's a harder thing to do;

and I firmly believe that children who haven't 'practiced' this separation actually won't necessarily have a problem when it comes time to separate at school, because they are older and more ready.

Anna8888 · 15/04/2008 15:10

My daughter started French pre-school (école maternelle) in September when she was 2.10 - 5 x 2.45 hour sessions per week.

The school fully expects the children to take until their first report (February) to be really settled.

Loads of children wailed at the front door in the morning between September and the first half-term in November. But none of them came out crying 2.45 hours later - in fact, most of them came out with big grins all over their faces.

They are all fine now, love it and making lots of progress in areas that cannot be covered by being at home or toddler groups.

I'd persevere.

terramum · 15/04/2008 15:13

frazzled, if you think your DD would benefit then it's well worth exploring. I'm no good at taching either...so I don't do it . My role is more a supporter/facilitator for DS - I make sure he has access to plenty of activities, crafts, toys etc & let him take the lead and we just get on with life & he learns mostly through living. Mothers day this year was the perfect example of that - DH asked him to "sign" my card, thinking he would do his usual scribble...but instead he very carefully drew the first letter of his name ...first time he'd done it & without either of us sitting him down taching him how to write .

terramum · 15/04/2008 15:15

sorry that should say teaching not taching...clearly I can't type either

zog · 15/04/2008 15:15

I think there's a big difference between a child who sobs like their heart is breaking and then throws themselves into what's going on quite happily, and one who also sobs but then spends the whole time sitting with one staff member or being quiet/withdrawn/not joining in. I would definitely give it a couple of weeks then if it's the former, carry on but if it's the latter, pull him out and try again another time.

SmugColditz · 15/04/2008 15:17

They learn sharing and social skills at toddler groups, which they can attend until they start school. I HATE the way preschool has become so ingrained into our psyche that we forget it's optional, and not the first year at school. The first year of formal education they are obliged to receive is when they are 5. Not 2 or 3.

Unless you need them to go (and I did for my sanity qwith ds1, so I'm lucky he took to it) then have not qualms about pulling them out!

zog · 15/04/2008 15:17

I also read a number of threads on here where the child is having difficulty settling but the mum actually doesn't want the child to go but feels they "ought" to. I think the child can probably sense the mother's reluctance tbh.

cestlavie · 15/04/2008 15:17

Yes, I'd agree with Honoria and zog - if after a couple of weeks the child is still withdrawn and distressed during their time there then clearly something's not working. I guess my points were that (a) it will take a while to settle in, certainly more than two days and (b) even once settled in, don't count on them going to nursery happily.

SmugColditz · 15/04/2008 15:18

I went to playschool 3 times, and I screamed myself sick each time. Started school at 5 without a backwards glance.

zog · 15/04/2008 15:20

I went to a playgroup aged 3 and hated it - Mum changed me to another one and I loved it. We're all different

Anna8888 · 15/04/2008 15:23

I went to nursery school at 3.3 and loathed it.

But my mother persevered, and the following year I was put up a year and learnt to read and write at 4.

newmama0 · 15/04/2008 15:34

maybe no help at all but here goes

do you know any of the other mums and is your ds friendly with any of the other kids?

because you could always do a couple of playdates so he knows a few faces

and you could do the school run with one of the other mums, that way you get a bit of support and he gets to play and be silly before school, with his new friends.

frazzledbutcalm · 15/04/2008 16:04

terra - dd is at school and is good academically. She struggles big time with social aspect, spent year at nursery at glue table and standing by teachers side. Reception teacher has been much more helpful but dd still does not interact with other classmates. Part of me thinks if i take her out then she'll have no chance of learning this skill, part of me thinks she's not gonna learn it at school anyway because of how she is!

HonoriaGlossop · 15/04/2008 16:04

colditz and zog, totally agree with you

good posts

HonoriaGlossop · 15/04/2008 16:06

Anna you were clearly a bright little button

But i don't think, if that's your implication, that persevering may be worth it in terms of accelerating the child's learning

Pre-school learning is all about readiness, isn't it - you were ready to read and 4, plenty aren't, whether or NOT their parents persevered with nursery attendance

HonoriaGlossop · 15/04/2008 16:07

read AT 4, not read and 4

i'm clearly not in a state of readiness to learn all that readin' and writin' yet

FYIAD · 15/04/2008 16:08

only read the op

but omg

does he HAVE to go?

do you work? otherwise I would take him out

Casserole · 15/04/2008 16:08

Why don't you talk to the staff and tell them how close you feel to giving up. I know previously they have said it's 5 afternoons or nothing but if they understand how hard you and ds are finding it then they would likely agree to a phased gradual build up over the next few weeks in the interests of making it work. They WILL have encountered this loads of times before so they will be able to give you advice, strategies, etc. I would give it at least 2 weeks tbh. It's not a long time in whole life terms but it's such a short time in terms of him adjusting to this new routine. I don't think you can fairly judge it any quicker than that.

I also think, and I mean this so nicely - maybe take yourself off for a bit of honest thinking time - tbh it sounds like you've almost made up your mind that it isn't going to work and your ds will pick up on that. If it isn't what you want to do with him then he will sense that and it won't work, and you're just setting yourselves up to fail and putting yourselves through heartache.

Best of luck.

FYIAD · 15/04/2008 16:08

sounds like you dont have to work

take him out and enjoy your summer together

FYIAD · 15/04/2008 16:09

dd1 wsa like this - I took her out.

She loved school and has always been one of the most popular and happy girls there [proud]

Marne · 15/04/2008 16:16

I took dd1 out of her first nursery and then was adviced by HV to find her another one. She took a few months to settle in but now loves it, i am so glad we stuck at it and she now asks to go evry day.

Anna8888 · 15/04/2008 16:33

Honoria - no, the only implication was that by persevering I was able to make best use of it. I don't therefore think that initially disliking nursery is a sign that a child is not ready for school.

If my mother had given up I would have started school at five and missed out on the earlier reading and writing (and other skills) that I was capable of.

terramum · 15/04/2008 16:53

frazzled - does she interact with people outside of school like you & your DP, her siblings, other friends and family members, people you encounter at shops, the library etc?

Debris · 15/04/2008 17:01

I really do know how you are feeling. On my dds 1st day they rang me and asked me to come back as she had got herself into such a state and they wanted to prove to her that mummy does come back.The next 3 or 4 sessions I stayed the whole session while she found her feet, each session I kept my distance as much as I could and didnt actually play with her as such, but she knew where I was. At the end of the session I waited in the foyer with the other parents and went in to greet her just as I would if I had been away. The pre school worked with me really closely on this and I just went along with what they suggested, the next step was for me to leave and wait in the foyer for her to calm down, which she did surprisingly quickly and I was able to go home. This softly softly approach really worked for her and she was able to get to know the staff and children safe in the knowledge that I wasnt far away.It must be so daunting to be left in a room of strangers while mummy disappears out of the door.I hope some of this helps,sorry if Ive rambled a bit, have a chat with the staff and plan your strategy! If they dont seem to be on your wavelength or you're not happy in anyway, try another nursery. Good luck.

Original poster

Disenchanted · 15/04/2008 17:20

Hiya,

thanks for all these posts.

Well I went to pick him up and looked through the window...

he was sat on the teachers knee with a face as red as a tomato!

She said he hadn't joined in again, wouldn't even accept a juice Just stuck to her like glue.

He had wet himself too.

She said he had stopped crying after I had left but his face was very red considering he had just been sat there and not actully joined in anything

When I went in he came over to me and sat on my knee, he didn't speak just stared

This id the little boyer who everone who meets him describes him as 'hyper'.

But DH is keen to keep on trying so he will go back tomorrow.

PS DH was really bloody nasty when I brought this up again, he actully said to me 'is it the fact you are too lazy to do all the walking' LIke THATS the reason Ive been thnking this!!

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