Overwhelmed with new baby - please tell me it's normal to feel like this

[neuroticlady]

Our baby is just over a week old. My DH and I are in a state of shock, I think. Everyone warns you what hard work it is but the reality has hit in a way we never expected and, if I am honest, we are both looking at each other and questioning why we had him. We both have had difficulty admitting this to each other but at least we're talking to each other about it. What makes it worse is that this is very much a 'wanted' baby - we went through years of trying before he came along. It makes how we feel so much worse to deal with.

Baby is currently screaming and we can't work out why, we're both exhausted and feeling pretty miserable, the house is a tip, our old lives look pretty good right now. Please can someone tell me they had similar feelings and that it will get better....? Thank you from a stressed new mum and dad!

Aww I just read your last post, sounds like things are turning around. I am so pleased for you and want to thank you for taking time to jump off this thread on to the 'What the Hell' thread. It was lovely to hear from you.

You are doing so so so well, you are coping absolutely amazingly. You have been so strong and it's great to hear when you have a good day. Remember that just cos you have a bad day, it doesn't mean you are back to square one. It is a long process but you are winning.

Can't type much as ds is currently in the process of filling his nappy but just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you!

Hi NL,

Your last post sounds so positive, you continue to be an inspiration!

Just wanted to say, no eyes rolling in exasperation re PND group as I was one of those saying it might work. You're very brave to even try it once!

I do the 'gas ejector' position for wind, lying on their back try and tuck the knees up into the chest and repeat with a rocking motion. NB furious babies' knees just won't bend but worth a try.

I also lie my ds on his left side which helps him to settle. He's 7 months now so just rolls onto his tummy but always slept on his side. Not enough to roll over at your ds's age but you might try just a little tilt with a rolled up blanket to stop him going on his front.

Hope he is more settled tonight, thinking of you x

Message withdrawn

Just wondering how things are going?

not too bad in last few days meandmyjoe, thanks for asking. been thinking of you too - hope all's well.

think the meds have definitely kicked in - not even oven breaking down for second time resulting in cold 'roast' being chucked out could induce meltdown like before.

sorry for short, disjointed message. 4.15am, baby in arms, typing in dark. needs must..!

still not sleeping brilliantly but now just figure this will take the longest time to settle down, along with 'night sweats', though nowhere near as bad as before.

psych wants me to accompany him to med students' lecture, to answer their questions about what pnd feels like. am mulling it over. immediate reaction was no, but if it's going to help possibly give a better understanding among medical professionals, maybe i should do it. be interested to hear what you think.

off back to bed - as long as baby doesn't throw his feed up... hope everyone back home is having a good day x

Hi, lovely to hear from you. Things here are going remarkably well. DS has been quite the charmer lately and I am actually enjoying my time alone with him

I had a lovely day with a good friend of mine. We just went into town and had some dinner, then went shopping. DS acted like an angel and I remembered how much I miss getting out and about. From now on I am going to make more of an effort to get out of the house and see my lovely friends who I have neglected terribly for the last 8 months. Even if ds cries whilst I'm out, it's not the hidiously embarrassing, catastrophic, end of the world that I used to believe it was.

I am starting to feel much more confident and much happier in my mummy role. I have also stopped obsessing on what other people's babies are like or what they can do. Even though this is hard when I see people with their quiet, happy, smiling bouncing babies and compare to mine who stares people down, glares and shouts at anyone who talks to him! My ds has a challenging personality at the moment but with the amount of love that he receives, I'm sure we will steer him in the right direction or at least be able to channel his energy and frustration into something else! [hopefully!!!]

It sounds like you are, as ever, doing an amazing job. I'm astounded that you are actually cooking roast dinners! (Dispite the bloody broken oven spoiling it!!) I could barely bring myself to prepare a microwave ready meal at the stage your at. Your doing so so so well and really mean that. I hope you can see how far you've come and that you are proud of yourself.

I'm sorry you are still not getting the sleep you need. That's one thing I really can not complain about with ds. It must be very hard for you. It's great to hear that the meds are making you feel a little more stable. Things will continue to improve, even if you have terrible days. I know I complain about ds but honestly, nothing compares to the first 3-4 months of hell that we found having a baby to be.

Sometimes it feels like it was a bad dream and then I feel so guilty for not enjoying him and cherishing every moment. Like your ds, ours was very much planned and wanted. I couldn't believe how I felt towards him. Thinking about it though, there really was very little to enjoy. He was miserable, I could never cuddle him, just had to walk with him. He never ever seemed content, he squirmed and cried all the time he was awake. It was a total nightmare. I really want you to know that things do change. Dispite ds still being demanding and whingey, he doesn't cry anymore. Not like he used to. Now he just moans and grizzles to get his own way! There is nothing more distressing than the red faced screams a small baby can somehow produce but thankfully those days for us have passed.

Anyway, it sounds as though your ds is still struggling with the reflux. Have you asked the GP about any alternative medication for it? There are so many to try that it might be worth mentioning it.

As for the student's lecture you have been asked to talk in, I think only you will know if you are ready for that. It's a big step to take but I think it could be a positive one. It depends on how you feel about it and whether you feel ready to talk about it. The fact that you are even considering it shows real strength. If you think it would help you and other people to do it then I would go for it. Remember though, that just by starting this thread and being so honest than you have already helped countless people, and God knows how many people in the future will be comforted and guided by this.

Anyway, NL, I hope you did go back to bed and that you managed to get some sleep!

Thanks for thinking of me and keeping us all updated. Take care.

Abby

Hi NL,

Just a quickie to say I'm so happy you are stabilising. Also to add for me sleep took a fair while (months) to reach close to normal levels and even now I have poor nights (but that is just me I think!!) It does come back eventually as your body relaxes, hormones return to 'normal' etc.

No advice re the lecture but good luck. Hope you are enjoying the Aussie autumn.

PP

Completely normal! Haven't had a chance to read the other replies but I found the first few weeks really chaotic and scary. The baby (or in my case babies) don't do what the books say, the house is a mess, you are surviving on ready-meals as too knackered to cook and too scared to ask for help in case people don't think you are coping. We have all been there!

Things will settle down, you will get into a little routine, get to know your baby. Life will stop being so chaotic and your baby a lot less scary. Promise! Just keep talking to your DH, support each other as much as you can and take all the help that is offered.

Hi NL - just a quickie, wanted to say I'm glad things seem to be improving. Also, the night sweats you talk about - I think that's normal after having a baby? I certainly used to get it for several weeks after dd2 was born. I am not sure if it was related to her crying/stress or purely hormonal or a combination. Anyway, it doesn't happen anymore (dd2 is now 18 weeks old).
Hope you are having a good day.

Hi NL, we haven't heard from you in a while. Just wondering how things are going. Hope things are continuing to improve.

Hi everyone,meandmyjoe thanks for still thinking of me! I'm really sorry I haven't been on here for what feels like ages. I never seem to be able to get near the computer at the moment - I must owe about a million emails. Well that's a slight exaggeration but you know what I mean.

I have good days, I have not so good days. We had our first trip away last weekend, to stay with some friends eight hours away. I got a bit panicky while away from home and the negative feelings and low levels of anxiety put in an appearance, but I can pretty much see where it all came from: big journey, young baby, PND, being with people who were always our 'child free' friends and suddenly there's a baby in the equation... Lesson learned: stay close to home for now, just do what feels comfortable, hang around with others with young babies and not (for the moment) those without children who may bring on those 'past life' envy moments.

I'm definitely coping better, though. I still feel like I'm going through the motions with this a lot of the time, rather than embracing motherhood; I still fear it a lot of the time, fear the future. But it IS better. Hopefully it will continue to get better. The sleeping (mine and the baby's) will improve, the bloody awful night sweats will stop (I've also heard it's reasonably common, but I think that's only if you breastfeed and of course I'm not) and I will feel less of a failure about the breastfeeding disaster and more capable of being a mother generally. (Still feel 'surely I can't do this - other people have babies, not me' a lot of the time).

Well that's my five minutes up! Feeding time. I think of getting on here daily but just don't seem to be very good at finding the time yet. Thank you for asking how it's going. I really appreciate it. Hope everyone back home is having a good day x

hello nl - glad to hear you still sound on the up. Have to say that 'surely I can't do this - other people have babies, not me' is probably familiar to everyone, PND or no. It is getting better, I know, and will continue, I promise.

I know what you mean about trying to take a trip. Why go away and worry when you can do a perfectly good job or worrying at home? .

Glad you are coping better and that you have found a few spare mins to post.

I just wanted to say, I know a lot of people who just don't really enjoy the baby bit. My own MIL for instance, is a fantastic mum and granny but she openly only likes it from toddler up. She goes a bit rigid and holds my youngest (6mnths) at arms length almost!

Lots of my friends admit it when pushed, they can't wait for the baby stage to be over. You'd be surprised how many mums relax a bit and enjoy it once their children are walking and talking. Yet another thing people don't like to admit I think.

I remember that I used the expression "hit round the head with a brick" alot! It's awful at the beginning and I used to feel entirely as you are both feeling, sort of in mourning for my old life, I know that sounds dramatic and my DS was dearly wanted, but it just destroys the old world you had over the course of one day! However, once baby sleeping through the night mine at 6 weeks, everything turned a corner and we started to "live" again. It's such a hard place that you are in at the mo, but please trust me you do get through this and it does get better.x

I have been reading this post and now it is time I added my bit. My DS is now 2. I suffered PND/anxiety. Some days I felt so low, I just wanted to walk away and not come back. I came close to shaking him on a few occasions. ADs and counselling later and I am a different person. I love being a Mum and have a great bond with my DS. My life feels NORMAL and I wouldn't go back. I have even embarked on some new ventures e.g. night classes. Actually having my son forced me to face up to some more deep rooted issues with my family/past hence the counselling. IT WILL GET BETTER. I am even TTC number 2 right now having said never ever again when my DS was born. I really feel for you N Lady and I promise sincerely that you will get better and enjoy being a Mum. Breastfeeding is not the be all and end all of being a good mother. I also learnt that all those mums I thought were coping so much better than me were actually finding it tough too.

Hi NL, You sound like you're doing well. The 1st trip away is always tough with or without PND, well done. I Hope that you continue to improve x

Hi NL - just wondering how you're doing!

It is normal - I felt very much the same and think I was midly depressed for several months. Worst was feeling really bad that my dh thought I didn't love her. She's 7 now and just came in for me to do her plaits. She's fun, she's company, she's creative.

She was a tricky baby who puked up after every feed and then was hungry again. Breastfeeding was agony and I was exhausted. I was shocked to the core that some maternal instinct (I've always loved kids) failed to kick in. My second child was a breeze - but then I was hugely relaxed.

One tip - find a good mum pal(s) and spend your time walking around with your buggies, gossiping and having tea together. Its much better to be with friends.

hi NL,
i just wanted to add my support and send you hugs. I didn't have PND but i had awful anxiety and insomnia after my DD was born. I used to lie awake all night panicking about the next day and how I would cope with just me in the house and a 12 hour day to get through with a tiny baby. One night I even woke up my DH at 3am and pretended I'd been sick and had a bug, so he would stay at home the next day and help me look after the baby. It was a horrible time, i was totally wired up and exhausted and anxious, but could never sleep or relax. I don't know if i had PND or was just a very over-anxious new mum, but it was a horrible time.
I can't write much as i'm at work but just wanted to send you hugs. My DD is 15 months now and i am back at work, and really enjoying life. Things will change over time, and you will look back on this time and be so proud of yourself for coming through it.

Hi NL - not posted on your thread for ages but i'm really really pleased to 'hear' you sound more positive in your recent posts - well done you. Had a bit a teary eyed moment when i was reading them - silly woman!!! Will keep checking up on how you're doing

take care
xxx

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sorry sorry sorry, I haven't dropped off the face of the earth - thank you for still thinking of me and wondering how it's going. I've been in the mother and baby unit and now we have relatives staying with us (including two toddlers) so it's been full on, to say the least.

It was a strange experience at the unit. Up until now, I have been so grateful for any 'expert' who would step in and take over, so low was my confidence, and so mixed were my feelings towards the baby. At the unit, I was surprised to realise I felt slightly affronted at someone else telling me and showing me what to do. While I gained some useful knowledge about sleep cycles, I realised I've come quite a long way in a short space of time in terms of learning what my baby wants.

If I'm honest, I guess what I was REALLY hoping for by going there was a bit of a break . I assumed I would come home a bit rested after being taken under the wings of kindly nurses who would help me settle the baby then shoo me off to bed... Well it was a nice notion but of course the reality was that I felt like I experienced what it must be like to be a single parent for a week. At least at home DH can take over in the evenings for a while, but there there is absolutely no let up. Partners were welcome to stay but mine didn't due to our guests (which I'll admit I felt pretty pissed off about) and the worst of it was it was incredibly cramped with a shared bathroom between four families and the baby's cot in my tiny room. Consequently when he was sleeping during the day, and in the early part of the evening, I couldn't go in to my room to rest myself so I spent the time either pacing about, doing some washing or hovering outside the door ready to have another go at settling him. The staff were lovely but I was very glad to get home, and in fact on the last evening I ended up in tears out of the sheer lack of any time or space to myself.

I still miss being spontaneous. I miss having a tidy house, as shallow as that might be. I miss having time for me. And, of course, I really miss being able to sink into bed and look forward to a luxurious, unbroken night's sleep.

And I still worry about the future. I'm seeing first hand how relentless it is with the toddlers who are staying with us and how their mother openly admits she struggles. If I think it's tough now, when he isn't mobile, doesn't have tantrums, can't answer back, how am I going to cope later?

But that's me all over: never living in the present, always worrying about what's ahead. And right now he is a lovely, smiley baby who fascinates me and entertains me far more than he frustrates me.

It's a long, slow period of adjustment, and it's often one step forward and two back, but I'm coping, and considering where I was just a few weeks ago I guess that's good enough for now... x

Hi NL,
I don't have time to read the whole thread but from what I have read it sounds like you are doing brilliantly. I struggled with a lot of the things you are going through and at times I really thought there was no light at the end of the tunnel... but nearly a year on and I am actually enjoying being a mum It is a period of massive adjustment. Some people take to it like ducks to water, others... don't. I was one of the latter. It didn't help that my baby was extremely difficult spirited. I imagined a lovely cuddly gooing smiling baby... not a stubborn, strong willed, furious little character who isn't into affection (although he has started to give big open mouth sloppy kisses accompanied with a big MMMWAH sound that are a bit like headbutts ) I really struggled. At one point I said to my DH "why didn't we just get a puppy?" My point really is it does get better. I am also living in Sydney so am away from family which I have found really difficult. Making new friends who have babies helps.
I will stop waffling. Just wanted to say that I completely understand what you are going through, it will get better and you are being amazing.
x

Thank you Aquasea, but I need to add something after my smug post earlier.

For the first time today I decided to quit with the household chores and sit and read the paper while the baby slept. But he wouldn't settle. I kept getting up and going to him, calming him, tip toeing out when his eyes were closed, only to hear him start to scream the minute I was outside the door. And each time it got louder. This isn't the first time, of course. But this afternoon I am tired. And I have a stomach ache. I just wanted half an hour's peace on the sofa. I rang DH at work, just so I could talk, really. But he said he was in the middle of stuff and had to go. Our visitors are out for the day. I just stood there feeling really alone and exasperated. In the end I decided the best thing would be to put him in the sling. But even that didn't work. After about fifteen minutes of pacing up and down he was screaming more than ever, wriggling and raging and... I should have seen the warning signs: I started talking to him harshly - telling him to please stop, please shut up.

He didn't, and I didn't do the sensible thing when I knew I was really wound up, which would have been to put him down in his cot and to walk away. I'm really ashamed of myself, but I saw red. I tried to joggle him further into the sling as he'd got himself into an awkward position, but I did it really sharply. It was a split second flash of rage, but it was deliberate. He thumped against my side, then looked completely shocked, went quiet for a couple of seconds, then absolutely bellowed. I instantly felt absolutely terrible and cuddled him and said sorry over and over again - he was looking at me as if to say 'what did I do? Why did you do that?' and I absolutely hated myself. What is wrong with me? I'm stocked up on meds and I STILL lose the plot. It makes me afraid of myself. What else might I do? Why can't I control myself?

It's all very well having meds to take and psychologists to talk to and units to go and stay at, but what help is any of it when ultimately it comes down to me, these four walls and the baby. When there is no one to talk to and no one to help or pass the baby to, what am I meant to do to stop it when it all boiling over?

I thought twice about posting this. But I've been honest from the start of this thread, and if I can't do anything else right today at least I can have a bit of integrity.

Whether I'll own up to DH or the psych tomorrow is another matter...

Oh my god I wish I could give you a big hug. I know exactly what you are going through. I could have written your last post 10 months ago... in fact I think I probably did Please don't kill yourself about it. You were pushed to your limit and you lost it for a nanosecond. you are only human. You haven't harmed your baby. Where are you in Oz? If there is anything I can do to help, I would be more than happy. I have been where you are and I know what a nightmare it is.