Overwhelmed with new baby - please tell me it's normal to feel like this

[neuroticlady]

Our baby is just over a week old. My DH and I are in a state of shock, I think. Everyone warns you what hard work it is but the reality has hit in a way we never expected and, if I am honest, we are both looking at each other and questioning why we had him. We both have had difficulty admitting this to each other but at least we're talking to each other about it. What makes it worse is that this is very much a 'wanted' baby - we went through years of trying before he came along. It makes how we feel so much worse to deal with.

Baby is currently screaming and we can't work out why, we're both exhausted and feeling pretty miserable, the house is a tip, our old lives look pretty good right now. Please can someone tell me they had similar feelings and that it will get better....? Thank you from a stressed new mum and dad!

How are you NL?

Hi NL,

Sorry you had a bad day. It is really tough your folks leaving.

Try to think of that calmer period you had a few days ago. It is a great sign and in recovery you will lurch back and forth for a while and the good times will get longer, the bad shorter etc.

Please lean on your supports this week, and if the unit is still an option it could be good for you to have a break for a week or two - any news on this?

Isn't it amazing to see ow many other ladies have survived this with their mental health and relationships in tact? I hope this is giving you some strength.

Thinking of you.

PP

HI NL. I have been reading your thread but this is the first time I've posted. I can so relate to what you are feeling, I found motherhood a huge adjustment, DS was colicky/refluxy, I got what I now look back and recognise as PND. The constant state of anxiety and panic, the absolute brain fog from no sleep, holding DS and both of us sobbing inconsolably...

As so many others have posted, it does get better. Impossible for you to believe right now you are in the middle of it but I promise you, it will. Exactly when will depend on you and your DS. For me, I really didn't enjoy the first year, but I was feeling 'better' (relatively speaking) much sooner than that. My DS is now 2.4 and I am 8.5weeks pregnant with #2, so galvanising myself to go through it all again, something I thought unimaginable even 6 months ago.

Hang in there - you do have the strength to get through this if you just take it an hour at a time, like you've said.

Just a note for those suggesting Gaviscon, Losec is a prescription medicine that is a step up from Gaviscon, here in NZ they will start a bubs on Gaviscon and if that doesn't work move on to Losec or similar.

Hi NL,

I've been offline for a few days, and read your beautiful posts with tears in my eyes. I wanted to pick up on what you'd said about the infertility and miscarriages meaning you felt you didn't "deserve" your baby. I know you know deep down that isn't true, but sometimes it helps to see it written down. I lost my first baby at 21 weeks, and have just miscarried again, and so know a bit about how awful it all feels, and how much you promise yourself if you can just please have a living child. And everything falls by the wayside as you turn turn out to be human after all. Having a big setback because your parents are leaving is utterly understandable, though so hard for you - it is logical, to be honest - the support you've had all your life and which you've leant on so recently is not as close at hand (but remember they ARE there for you, all the time, even if it's just on the phone).
As for your worries about you being like your grandmother - you care about all this - that's the difference. It matters so much that you write it all down (astoundingly honestly and beautifully) and open your heart and life to strangers. That is not the action of an uncaring person. You are truly amazing, and your son will benefit enormously from your kindness, honesty and strength. It will get better, it will, and as the love and bond develops you'll have your own way of understanding and describing it - it may match what you've read on here, it may not, but it'll be yours and your son's.

One hour at a time, sweetheart. That's all you need do for now.

I just wanted to add my support to you too NL. Your first email said exactly how my dp and I felt when our babies first arrived (twins). Fortunately, so far, those feelings generally passed in a few weeks- but our babies are still only 8 weeks old, so we know things could take a downhill slide. I was so surprised by how I felt, that I was honest with the people around me, and to my surprise to a greater or lesser degree everyone who had children could relate to what I was saying and said they felt something similar. But nobody ever vocalises it and the media portrays looking after babies as this idyllic time- which to be honest I didn't find. I found it an endless round of nappies, feeding, washing etc etc (and still do) and wondered when the blissful times were going to come. I kept getting all these congratulations cards etc and wondered why I was being sent them- it felt like hell, rather than something to be congratulated on! But now 8 weeks later, I wish they could be resent- as I am starting to feel so proud of my little ones- and feel like I (and you) should be congratulated on surviving these first few weeks!!
There are so many of us thinking of you- particularly in the days and weeks ahead. You have shown incredible strength, and somehow you will get through these days too. I can't add much to what everyone else has said except to add my voice to theirs- you are doing really well- and you are- and will be a great mum.

I feel really choked up after reading your beautiful messages. Thank you so much for thinking of me. I was feeling like I spinning out of control again when I wrote my last post. Writing it down here is like therapy: it grounds me and helps me make some kind of sense about what's happening.

Well, I bawled like a little kid as I watched the car disappear down the driveway, with my parents waving from the back window. Mum was crying, Dad was trying hard to hold it together, and I was just utterly hopeless. I walked back into the house and wept and wept.

But you know what? After I'd dried my eyes, made a cup of tea, taken a few deep breaths, I was surprised to find I felt so much better. Relieved. Lighter. I think I had been building myself up to their departure for so long, even before their arrival, that it was like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders once that moment had passed.

I was even more surprised to find I actually quite enjoyed my time alone with the baby. It felt like I was playing at it, the novelty of spending time alone with him, as it's been so long since I've trusted myself to be on my own with him. And the last time, weeks ago, he was tiny. A prawn. Floppy, alien, fragile. Terrifying. Five weeks on he is robust, responsive, smiling. Interesting. I find I am more curious about him than afraid of him. I didn't expect this at all. I thought I would be in a heap, wanting someone to take him away, make it all better. But I've had two days with him, and I've coped. Through sheer force of habit, repeating the same things over and over again for the past eight weeks, the amount of tasks that need to be completed each day is not so daunting. Where it felt endless and suffocating, I am now finding it's simply becoming automatic.

Nobody is more surprised than me. I still feel scared something is about to go wrong. I'm still holding my breath for the next bad day. I still feel self conscious around the baby, like he knows what's going on in my head. I still feel a mild sensation of panic when I hear him start to cry (as he is right now, and has been for the past two hours since he was 'settled' in his bassinet for the evening. But the horror I was expecting when my parents left me didn't materialise. I didn't fall apart.

I know it's not going to take much to derail me right now, so I feel really cautious about saying this may be a step in the right direction. It seems the minute I say anything like that, I crash again.

But right now, it's ok. I'm ok. I'm very surprised about that, but I'm ok!

One day at a time...

Thank you all so much again. Sorry I don't have the time to say more in response to each message - please know I read them all and make notes of all the suggestions that I think will help.

Oh - finally: I have a date for the mother and baby unit. Monday 5th May, for a week. That's the best they can do, though if there's a cancellation I'll get bumped up the queue. They only have room for 12 families at any one time, and a massive waiting list. I'm just glad I know it's coming, should I need it to fall back on.

I must go to bed. Hope everyone back in England is having a good day. I miss it! x

Wonderful news about the mother and baby unit. You sound like you are doing amazingly- better than I was at that stage. I'm so proud of you for being so strong and continuing to be so honest.

I know I've said this so many times but you will be fine. I still find the days on my own with ds very hard but that's more the lack of adult company than being scared of him. You are doing great and things will eventually fall into place. Sometimes even now I feel I have to go into 'automatic pilot' mode just to get through but I do get through. Somedays (most days) I adore being around my son, even when he's miserable and cranky! It will get better. Hopefully the time on your own with him will give you more confidence and let you get to know him as a little person instead of just a screaming baby that drains you.

How's the reflux meds doing? Any improvement?

Anyway, we are still thinking of you. Take care of yourself and get some sleep!

Oh, well done you! Don't be afraid to celebrate and relish the little victories and moments of joy. You know that there will be bad patches and good patches, so when the good times come, enjoy them, wallow in them and accept them for what they are. They will give you strength and courage to deal with the bad patches. It's not tempting fate to allow yourself to be happy!

I know what you mean about feeling better than you thought you would - anticipation is often SO much worse than reality. I'm glad you have a date for the unit - it's a shame it's a while off, but it gives you something concrete to move towards. Onwards and upwards, lady - it will get better, little by little.

Well done NL.

I didn't say it before, in case it didn't happen to you I didn't want to make you feel bad. But I dreaded the day my husband went back to work, leaving me alone with DD- I begged him to put it back by two weeks, which he did- and then when the day came I was soooo scared. But believe it or not, I actually felt better looking after DD on my own. We had our own little rhythm to the day, our own time. I didn't need to pretend to him, or anyone else, that I was fine. I just had to do the tasks which I knew about- the feeding, the jiggling, the changing. Like you say, they don't change- you just do them again and again! And each time feeling more confident.

Bit by bit, day by day.

Your DS sounds lovely and smiling. I am so pleased that there is finally a date for the mother and baby unit.

Hi again NL - just wanted to say that I am thinking of you, and glad that you are (at least so far) coping with the departure. One thing that is clear to me from your last post - something that I thought about myself when looking back on the first two years of motherhood (and in fact on many aspects of my life generally) - you are stronger than you think you are. I find it helpful to hold that thought whenever I start to feel overwhelmed by stuff - don't analyse or revisit it - just take it as an immutable truth that you can use to try and orient yourself in the bad moments.

hope today is a good day.

It sounds like you are doing fabuously. And now that you have a date for the Unit, you can look forward to that time to get some respite, to be able to spend some time looking after yourself as well as the baby and to be able to take stock of where you are and how far you have come.
My dh went away on some residential courses when my younger daughter (now 16 weeks) was only 8 weeks old; I also have a 2-year-old. I dreaded being on my own day and night so much that I found the first few weeks of the new baby harder than it should have been because I kept thinking I needed to learn to cope on my own rather than get all the help available to me at the time.
In the end, some of the time he was away WAS hard. But like others have said, you can find your own rythm, you find ways round things and then at the end of each day you can take immense pride in having survived another day. In my opinion, you will have just survived another day doing the toughest job in the world.

fabulous post NL, great you you can see/feel how far you/ds have come. I'm so chuffed. Fingers crossed and all that.

Just wanted to add that one day, even the shittiest of days will be so much better than you feel or can imagine feeling now. I had the day from hell yesterday, however, compared with the first 3 months- it was a breeze! Sometimes it's only when looking back you can truely see the little improvements that make all the difference. You start to feel human again. Dispite it being the hardest thing I've ever done, I do feel like ME again! It takes time but you are doing so well. I was a complete wreck for the first 3-4 months. Couldn't even have a coherent conversation. You are clearly strong and brave and you'll be fine. Wishing you well. x

Hi NL, like Wobbegong I didn't want to say it before in case it built you up to false hopes but I find looking after dd and ds far far easier when it is just me and them. Obviously the workload is more than when dh is there to help but the pressure is off and I just get on with it more. You may well find the same with your parents gone, although of course you will miss them terribly and will have times where you wish you could just hand ds over to someone else. The thing to hold onto is that it is normal to want to do that, take a deep breath, put whatever is stressing you into perspective. Eg ds is crying and you want to have a shower-it doesn't matter, you can shower later or even have a long relaxing bath once dh is home, ds is demanding attention and you had planned to do the washing up-leave the washing up for later and enjoy your time with ds. I know I have wasted so much time stressing about what I wanted to do and couldn't rather than just enjoying what I can be doing with ds, now I've tried to chill about it things are much easier!

Good news about the unit too.

Sorry not very articulate today am seriously sleep deprived!

NL...fab news about the baby unit.

You have been on my mind alot these past few days and I am so happy to hear you are coping without your mum and dad.

You sound really together and positive - wait til your ds is older and he can talk and respond to you as a person...its great! You get so much more from then the older they get.

Take care, let us know how you are
xx

Just wondering how you are today. Hope you are doing OK.

Hi NL, been thinking about you. Your last post sounded so positive. Hope there have been more even more ups than downs since then. One day you will find that the good hours have all joined together to make a really good day and then the good days will start to join together too. It just takes time. Keep taking it day by day and hour by hour and don't beat yourself up if things slip back a bit, it's to be expected. Pleased to here that you have the support you need from the res unit and most importantly that you are starting to enjoy your DS. Can you imagine hearing yourself say that only a few weeks ago? You are so fantastic. Well done. Keep us posted.

When my DS1 was small I used to get in the car with a rug, drive round the corner and sleep there. Not at night, obv, but during the day between feeds. It was the only way I could get some kip. I couldn't do it if I could so much as HEAR him.

Sorry, haven't read everything (as my last post obviously shows) but I have to say with both my kids, the best days are when I have them all to myself. I don't have to pretend to be a good mother and we all get on GREAT!

Hi neuroticlady, hope things are settling for you. It can be such a whirlwind time!! Congratulations. If you wanted, we've got a postnatal group for everyone who was due in Feb. It's a good crowd and I've really enjoyed having a group of people who are in the same situatuion as me so when I'm at my lowest ebb and feel like I'm the only person in the world, I can go in there and tell them that and swap war stories!! It helps me put things in perspective but also it's nice to have few cheerleaders out there to pick me up when I'm shattered and smell of baby sick all day No pressure, but if you fancy joining us, you are more than welcome. I'll post you a link x

feb postnatal

Meant to say also it's really helpful as well cause you can swap feeding tips etc but I've also found that I've sat thinking 'god is that normal' gone into it and realised that others are going through exactly the same thing and it calms me somewhat!!!

Thanks for asking how it's going and for continuing to be so encouraging. You are all tireless in your support, despite the fact I often must seem to be going backwards rather than forwards. Thank you for being so patient and kind and positive! You all have been telling me over and over that I will get through this and get better, and I have needed to hear it again and again, but I think I can see that it might just happen for me now. I'm not out of the woods yet and in fact have been feeling really quite flat and a bit trapped again today, but at least now I seem to be able to keep it in some kind of perspective and know that it is just a bad day. My meds went up again recently and I have no doubt these are the main factor in my moods leveling out a bit.

Thanks too for the link to the Feb postnatal CountTo10. I may well join you all, it's a good suggestion.

I'm beginning to realise how much being so far away from my family is impacting on how I am feeling about everything. I have an amazing sister who is desperate to meet her nephew, and parents who absolutely love their grandchildren, and between then so much help and support and unconditional love for our baby... and where am I? On the other side of the world. I have such a pull to be near them. DH, though, wants to stay here. The idea of returning to the UK makes him miserable. But right now, the idea of staying here makes me miserable. I don't know how we will resolve it. Everyone is telling me not to make any rash decisions at the moment, and I can see that I don't really need any further upheaval to deal with, but I just miss them and wish I could be nearer them. We're going back for a fleeting visit in September which will be lovely but I just keep thinking about Christmas, the baby's first, and it being just the three of us. It makes me so sad. I wish family meant the same to DH as it does to me. Maybe it's a male/female thing...

We're also both fighting colds at the moment so not feeling all that great, but more than that I am so worried the baby will catch it. I know I have been feeling a bit better about everything because he has been settling a bit better (so I'm guessing the reflux meds are making a difference) and the idea of a run of sleepless nights with him being ill and fractious are filling me with dread. Isn't that selfish? I know it's inevitable he will go down with some kind of bug at some point, so why am I so worried about coping with it when it happens? Oh, I thought I was made of tougher, less selfish stuff than this.

But no doubt about it, I am enjoying moments with him. When he smiles at me it's really lovely. And I have quite liked having time on my own in the house with him, which I'm still amazed at. I've made sure I've had things to do and people to meet up with each day, and I'm getting to know some of the others at the mothers group, and it's all helping.

And so are you. I really don't know what kind of a state I would be in by now without the support I've had here. Thank you again. x

Keep on keeping on, NL.
Look how far you've come!
Onward, upward -- and naturally we're here if it all goes t*ts up

Wo, sounds like you are doing a fantastic job. I know it can't be easy for you bu you are really making a difference by talking. Great to hear you are enjoying moments with him. It took me ages to get to the point you are at already. You should be very proud of what you've acheived. Keep going!

Hi NL,

I haven't posted before but I've been following the thread as I have a 6-week-old and I cannot believe no one warned me just how much motherhood will change your life (you know they say it but you never quite process just how much it will turn your lives upside down!). I just wanted to say he came down with a cold on Friday and I was worried sick! But he's fine now. Babies are resilient little things... If your LO does catch a cold, just monitor him carefully and make sure he doesn't get a temp and is eating well (off to hospital otherwise, better safe than sorry!).

Also, because he was sick on Friday, for the very first time in a long time, I was REALLY homesick (my family lives thousands of miles away, ironically I am in the UK and they are in Asia!). My DH finally suggested we went to his parents for the night and it was bliss to have someone help look after my LO for a few hours. So do get some help (a babysitter, a friend to come and spend some time with your LO) if you really need to. It doesn't make you a bad mummy for doing that. I know it's easier said than done but whenever things go bad... remember there they thousands and millions of parents out there doing the same. And you won't feel so alone. Take care and best wishes to you!

Ax