Overwhelmed with new baby - please tell me it's normal to feel like this

[neuroticlady]

Our baby is just over a week old. My DH and I are in a state of shock, I think. Everyone warns you what hard work it is but the reality has hit in a way we never expected and, if I am honest, we are both looking at each other and questioning why we had him. We both have had difficulty admitting this to each other but at least we're talking to each other about it. What makes it worse is that this is very much a 'wanted' baby - we went through years of trying before he came along. It makes how we feel so much worse to deal with.

Baby is currently screaming and we can't work out why, we're both exhausted and feeling pretty miserable, the house is a tip, our old lives look pretty good right now. Please can someone tell me they had similar feelings and that it will get better....? Thank you from a stressed new mum and dad!

Hi Nl, I've not been able to get online for a few weeks and the change in you is amazing. I'm so glad that you are enjoying your time alone with your baby and that the fear of your parents leaving was worse than the event, and it made me LOL when you went back in the house, dried your eyes and made a cup of tea, you can take the brit out of England....

I'm proud of you (I know that I'm a stranger that you've never met, but I'm still proud). Good luck for the next few hours/days/weeks. I look forward to hearing how you improve x

NL - I wanted to say "well done you" but then thought it was a little patronising and the sort of thing I say to my 2 year old when she uses the potty, but the sentiment is there! Don't worry about the fact that it is probably the meds that are making you feel better - that's what they are there for. When things are easier with your ds (which they will be - things really do get a LOT easier when they are a few months old and weaned, sitting up etc) you can think about reducing them.

As for the pull to your family, I think this is very common and normal once you have children of your own. I know I love spending time with my family now I have two daughters, but in a few months time I will be moving overseas with them and am very sad that my parents will not get the time with them. But we use SKYPE to talk every week or two with my DH's brother in Florida, do you have this? I know it is not ideal and not nearly as good as seeing them in person but it does help you feel closer to them and help them to feel like they are a part of your little ds's life as he grows up.

I had a moment today, a GOOD moment, that I wanted to share with you. It was dark early (which I was afraid of only a week or so ago)and raining hard outside. We had the heaters on as it's getting quite chilly at night now (no central heating in Australian homes - they're in denial it gets cold) and the lamps on, and a casserole that I'd managed to chuck together at lunchtime was cooking away in the oven. I looked at my baby son in his electric swing chair (thank you to all those who suggested one!) and felt glad we were all cosy together in the house, warm and safe. I had a contented glow around me that I have simply not experienced before now.

I'm so cautious about saying anything too smug about starting to feel better in case the next crash is around the corner. I know there are going to be plenty of challenges ahead. But it has been a good day. And tonight was really nice. Just a small moment, a glimmer, of how it's meant to be.

I must look into SKYPE, claraquitetirednow. I don't really know anything about it, but I have heard people mention it. Anything that's going to make me feel better about being apart from my family, really.

And thank you calvemjoe for saying you're proud of me. I've found the depth of understanding and support here just astounding. I know there are many 'regulars' who keep checking in and seeing how it's going. The kindness of stangers... even though you don't really feel that unknown to me now.

I still don't feel great from this cold but angel1976 yes I'm keeping a close eye on the baby in case he catches it (surely a miracle if he doesn't).

In the meantime it's the first meeting tomorrow evening of the PND mothers' group. I'm actually really nervous and will have to force myself to go as it feels like I'm taking a step backwards by going. I'm so desperate to move on and leave all this behind me and I'm not able to pretend this never happened and it's all normal by joining this group. But I know, ultimately, it's got to be a beneficial thing to go along and talk to others who are in the same boat. It just feels a bit challenging right now.

Back to the psych on Friday. It's very tempting to start feeling like I could go longer between these appointments but he cautioned me that within a few weeks I would start to feel exactly this way - even to the point where I'd want to chuck my meds away - and he said whatever I do I must keep going with the appointments to see him and with the meds. I'm glad he said that to me. I genuinely thought he was lying at the time when he predicted I would be starting to feel better within weeks. I felt so bad, so utterly out of control, so genuinely insane, I simply couldn't see beyond the suffocating panic of that moment. I have learned to really trust him, so I'm going to trust him on this one, too, and keep going with everything just like he's telling me. The thought of any setback at all is incentive enough; it's terrifying.

And I still haven't moved on enough to not wake in a sweat... But I do now think I believe it will happen at some point.

Thanks again everyone for thinking of me. Hope those of you with snow back home (seen it on the news) are enjoying it..! Good old English weather... x

Hi NL,

What a vast improvement! You certainly sound like you definitely are moving in the right direction. It's so normal for new mothers to feel overwhelmed. I don't have a history of depression or think I suffer PND BUT on Friday, when my LO was sick, I felt so overwhelmed. I looked at him and cried. Cried for the life I no longer have, cried for how little I could do for him even when he is sick and cried with how much love I feel for him. And I was so homesick. Your little man must be so strong to resist the cold!

Also, the last two days, my LO has started napping on his own (still fusses a couple of times during his naps!) but what an improvement from sleeping on me all during the day. I feel human again, I've even started to dress up a little (still haven't ditched the trainers as NOTHING else fits!) and started to eat my breakfast and lunch again. I have no idea how I made it to pass 6 weeks but I have. And you should give yourself a pat on the back for making it longer than that!

I second the skype idea. We have it and it makes it all the more bearable for my family that they can see his progress week by week till we see them in September. It's really easy to sign up and get an account and all you need is a cheap (not too cheap as you don't want a rubbish quality picture!) webcam that works with your desktop or laptop.

I lived in Sydney for 5 years and I loved it there... Enjoy the mild winters (that are warmer than summer here... LOL). Take care and we are all thinking of you here!

Ax

Oh wow -- that is so lovely NL! I still find myself going back to one particular moment when I first felt happy post-DS; I can remember everything about it, where I was, how the sun fell on the floor... even 3 yrs on it's an incredibly strong memory. You'll have more of them, and then they won't seem quite so exotic

Hope the group goes well. Give it some welly. I'd imagine by working your way through the PND thoroughly with the psych/group etc, you will chase it away properly. What a resource to have.

oh, i'm so pleased for you - i posted on this thread near the beginning and have been watching it since. i feel almost teary myself reading your most recent post - i have really felt for you these past weeks

i'm so glad people here have been giving you such good advice and that it and your meds have helped you so much

you'll get there - even if it's just a glimmer, it's definitely a little bit of light at the end of the tunnel. you're doing so so well - keep going.

Hi NL
Been lurking on this post since the beginning, but been reluctant to post - don't know why. You've been given such great advice by everyone, didn't know that i had much to add, also worried about giving you another gloomy story . However, as i too (and DD) are still here to tell the tale, if you will allow me to indulge, just wanted to tell you our journey so that you can believe just how much better it gets.
Our dd was also very much wanted - 18mths ttc, just about to start IVF when we got lucky by ourselves. Like you, DH & i been together a long time (13yrs), i was 37 at the time, and we'd has one of those selfish relationships where all we did was travel & party (sigh)
I didn't have a good pregnancy - morning sickness from beginning to end during one of our hottest summers ever. Looking back, i was over anxious even before dd was born (always a worrier, just like my mum).
Was in labour for 3 days - kept in hospital 3 days after the birth for various reasons. She cried constantly from the start - 2nd night in hospital i begged the midwives to take her away for the night. I already didn't want her back.
I also had trouble breast feeding - managed it for 6 weeks, but in the end EVERYONE was telling me to switch to formula for mine & dd's sake - "at the end of the day, your dd needs a HAPPY mum, crying every time you try to feed her is not the way to go about it".
I made great friends through the NCT, but they all SEEMED to have easy babies, no probs breastfeeding etc. My DD cried constantly at the start, then it got worse when she had colic, cranial osteopathy did seem to help that. She wouldn't sleep anywhere it seemed - most nights after another 2hr struggle to feed her, she would only sleep on my chest. Needless to say, i didn't sleep. I spent every day outside - walking endlessly - she'd sleep in the pram, but the minute i stopped walking, she woke up. I had to make myself a sandwich the night before, & eat it on the go the next day, just to make sure i ate. When i look back at that year's calender, i can see i planned something to do, morning & afternoon, every day for 12 weeks!
My DH was fed up of coming home to me & dd crying, every evening. I was ringing my mum constantly in tears, scaring her with how inconsolable i was. She only lives in Wales (i was in Surrey), but it seemed like thousands of miles away. Ended up staying at MIL for 4 weeks, which was a lifesaver.
Anyway, am rambling, sorry! Everyone else thought i had PND, but i was in denial. Finally gave in & was diagnosed when DD 12wks. I'd had the similar thoughts to what's already been mentioned - i told Dh i wanted her adopted, and several times thought no-one would miss us if i just drove the car into a brick wall. I felt NOTHING for her till she was about 5 months old. When i look back again, i remember leaving her to cry for about 15 minutes in the middle of the day whilst i drank nearly half a bottle of wine & sobbed my heart out. God it was bleak.
After 2 weeks, the ADs (Seroxat) kicked in. I started to sleep again (used to go to bed at 9, fell asleep about 1am & wake at 2am!)
Gradually started to feel normal again, but i think i was probably 2 weeks away from doing something really stupid.
The 2 things that helped me the most ;
a/ hiring a maternity nurse - only for 2 hours of her time, (couldn't afford her to stay over night), but she helped us start a routine, when to feed, put down for daytime naps, how to help her self settle. This was the best thing we could have done.
b/ i went back to the gym! Exercise is brilliant. I was very lucky to have a gym that had a creche, so would put dd in there twice a week while i did whatever for 90 mins. Apologise if you don't have this available to you, but if you can get to do something similar, i think you'll be amazed how it helps.
DD now 21mths - still high maintenance, but a real personality and the centre of my world. I came off the Seroxat 6 months ago, with no side effects, and feel better than i have in years. And, as other people have said, we're now ttc no2, which i NEVER EVER thought we would.
So, like everyone else has said, i promise you, you'll feel better than you ever thought possible. We all get there at different times, but you seem to have brilliant support, & the fact that you had that little moment today hopefully gives you a glimmer. Hang on in there, sorry for such a huge post, but just wanted to add another voice to the support.
You are a fabulous mum, the centre of your DS's world, he will not be aware of any of your low times, and you & DH will have a wonderful, happy & strong family. Sending you {{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}} from me, and i think of you daily
xxxxxxCCxxxxxxx

Hi NL, i've been dipping in and out of this thread, but I just wanted to say I suffered from terrible PND when my DD was born last September, but am COMPLETELY fine now with the help of meds and talking.

If you want to and it helps please feel free to look at the thread I started, I felt VERY VERY low at times.

here

Good luck to you, it does sound like you're getting there doesn't it. You truly have my sympathies for the bad days.

Good luck you and well done. x x x

Hi NL - I saw your first posts and just wanted to say how pleased I am to read your most recent ones. I hope you have many,mnay warm and cosy moments through your son's first winter

justee to add to all the messages ... my dd is 15 weeks. it is still incredibly hard but the fog is lifting. At first i just wanted her to go away and, although i miss my carefree life i love her so much and i am excited watching her grow and develop.

hang on in there ... week 6 was my worst week but it is getting better. Still good days and bad days but the more they smile the easier it gets!

Just read the whole thread and wanted to add my support for you NL. I can see how far you've come and how strong you've been and I think you'll be an inspiration to many mums on here.

I hope you get more and more of the good moments from this point on. I'm sure you will.

NL....so pleased to hear about your "glimmer" of hope....we all need those some days

Weather here atrocious but I like the smell after it rains!!!

Hoooooooooray for NL! The first "glimmer", or shoud I say, the first of many, I'm sure. How wonderful.

Hi NL,

I hope your PND support group went well.

I have just finished going to one and I was terrified to start with. The first meeting, another mum and I just looked at each other and agreed we felt REALLY depressed now!

I just wanted to say, if it was daunting, keep going if you can. I didn't realise the benefit until after a few weeks. It was really important to do something away from my dcs and to talk about myself for two hours a week .

My family are in Oz and they are still a huge part of my sons' lives. You can tell your DS about his grandparents and auntie at any age, he'll just love the sound of your voice. I made my first DS a key ring with photos of all his relatives laminated and attached it to his buggy so he would know who everyone was (a leetle bit OCD but who cares).

So pleased you are starting to feel better, you deserve ALL the credit for this for asking for, and sticking with, the help around you. My god, you must be exhausted!

Love from the English "summer" x

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Glad to hear you're on the up.

We're moving back to Sydney in November and when I catch up with you I'm sure I won't believe you were the same person who started this thread.

this is such a great thread offering loads of advice and support to tired, suffering mums - neuroticlady I just wanted to say that I also suffered from pnd after dd1 was born, plus we have no family to help us at all. I had sickness throughout the pregnancy and a traumatic birth, and afterwards I felt like I didn't know what the f**k I was doing! and she was a very unhappy colicky baby; she never slept; I got mastitis twice;I had insomnia ( linked to depression) and lost too much weight too fast;my baby cried all theh time,then at 3 months she developed all over eczema which made her life hell- she would scratch until she bled. When I think back to it now I actually feel like crying it was so awful.I won't bore you with all the details now but little by little , with the help of good doctors and HVs etc things improved and now dd1 is 6 yrs old and doing brilliantly. I was terrified of having a 2nd child because I felt I would nevre cope with a repeat of all the things I have described but amazingly it didn't get that bad and noww dd2 is 3 and blooming. So I just want to say that I , like lots of others here, know exactly whatyou are going through xxxx

More lovely messages - oh where would I be without you? So many of you saying you understand how this feels. I didn't think ANYBODY who had gone through infertility treatment and years of chasing this could have reacted the way I did. So very, very reassuring that I am not alone. Thank you for sharing your experiences with me.

Baby has suddenly been unsettled again in the last couple of days - crying, sleeping fitfully, whinging when awake. And guess what? I have felt flat again. It's not rocket science, is it? I think, at times, the line between what is PND and what is just the grind of dealing with a new baby daily is blurred.

I think (hope) I have enough perspective now to know that when I have flat days, they won't last.

I mentioned to the psych on Friday that I was actually a bit worried that I felt so content all of a sudden. I wanted to know if this was some kind of false high due purely to the meds. It seemed, to me, it must be bordering on some kind of mania to go from the depths of despair as little as three weeks ago, to feeling like the cat that got the cream the other night.

His response? He told me to imagine someone banging their head against a brick wall constantly, then suddenly stopping. He asked me to imagine how good that would feel after non-stop pain. It would feel amazing, he said, though all that person was actually experiencing was how it feels to be 'normal'. In other words, he explained, it has probably been so long since I have felt content and happy in myself, I have forgotten what it feels like and therefore to feel genuinely happy and 'normal' feels strange and a bit OTT.

So that kind of put my mind at rest. Well, along with feeling a bit rubbish again today - no manic happiness around at the moment...

As for the PND support group, well I know some of you may roll your eyes in exasperation at this, but I've decided not to go back. I really hated it and I just couldn't wait to get out. There were five of us, and although we were there for a common cause, I felt I couldn't identify with anyone else there. A seventeen year-old, two women with seven children between them whose issues were more to do with dealing with them all. And one girl who was so wound up she hardly said anything and just wept through the whole excruciating two hours and, to me, looked like she needed much more urgent help than simply sitting round in a circle in a horrid brightly lit room with a name badge on. There was so much negative energy in the room (as there would be, I suppose) it was suffocating. I realised very quickly that the support I am getting from various other sources (friends, the brilliant psychologist, mumsnet, the meds) is exactly what I need. It's all so positive and encouraging, and that's exactly what I need right now. It's all gradually steering me in the right direction. Whereas the despair in that room and being in a group environment was doing nothing for me except taking me back to how I felt at the beginning.

To those of you who found such support groups really helpful, and who encouraged me to keep going, I hope you won't feel like I am being stupid to turn my back on this. I think if I'd felt I'd connected with just one of the others there I might feel more prepared to give it another go. But the whole experience was just awful. I guess not everything works for everybody. And I just can't face the thought of doing that again.

Just put the (un-pc) dummy in the baby's mouth for the hundredth time. He's tired - his eyes are shut - but he can't sleep. He's very windy today - farting loudly and constantly. To those who are more experienced than this novice new mum could that have something to do with him settling so badly again? He's on a special prescription formula which has absolutely nothing in it that could cause allergies or irritate the gut, so the only other thing I can think is that possibly he has a mild stomach upset or something?

Thanks, as ever... x

Hi NL -- if the group doesn't feel right, you should trust your instinct. If you weren't being seen by a psych I would worry but, as you seem to be working through major stuff with him, I shouldn't stress about it.

The key to this situation has to be talking and talking about it... getting everything out and aired.

And as you say as the baby gets easier (and he will every day) a lot of the anxiety should shrink back too.

So glad you have some perspective on this! You really sound as if you are on your way .

Sorry, have no wise words for coping with farty son! Just winding and more winding I guess. And making sure he's on his tummy a bit. I used to stick mine over my knee, face down, to massage the stomach. God knows if it helped... Is he on a new teat, could he have been gulping/drinking too fast?

Sorry NL no time to reply in full!

Re. farting baby - no idea about allergies etc. but to try and relieve him, have you tried putting him on his back, on your knees, with his feet facing you, and "peddling" his legs in the air, like a bicycle. It worked wonders for dd when she was colicy.

Lift both legs and try to reach for their little ears (pressing down on stomach gently). I did it this morning with DS and he farted each time (x3)! It was funny.

Hey NL - Have been reading this thread and feeling your pain. I also live far from my family but use Skype nearly every day with my sisters, nieces and nephews etc. Just go to www.skype.com and download it. Then all you need is a webcam (plus your family to download) and it is then possible to call another computer anywhere for free. My family get to see our baby everyday and conversation feels more casual than on the phone. It has revolutionised the way we communicate and made living abroad soo much easier. Please please try it. {{{large hug}}}

Hi NL, I'm glad that you have decided not to go back to the PND support group, I aggree that you are getting very good support elsewhere and if the atmosphere was not good for you then you've made a very rational decision not to return. I think, perhaps, a few weeks ago you would have grabbed on to the other ladies who were finding it tough and this really does show how well you're doing.

As for a windy baby, it's trial and error as to what works for your child, ds let go of his if you held him under his arms and tilted him from side to side (kind of like getting an air bubble out from under water) and dd let go of hers if you lay her down and then pulled her into a sitting position. HTH x

Hi neuroticlady,

Our DD was unplanned and during pregnancy I suffered a huge amount of stress- Dp was undergoing a custody battle with his x for his DD, at one point I had a breakdown at work and had to be taken home by DP via wheelchair and taxi. I felt no connection to DD for most of my pregnancy, save for moments of sadness and compassion that she did not deserve to be unloved. I really feared I would not bond with her.
Its so weird that I loved her the moment I saw her, but that didnt stop me from getting PND due to the combination of the stress of a newborn and the external stress of DP's ex. However because I had suffered severe depression before I went without hesitation to my GP and went on AD's- I had talked with midwifes about the possibility I would get PND before the birth.

DD is nearly 8 months old now and I came off the AD's months back. It's still tough sometimes, but overall DD is without wonderful and I love her so much!

My point in brief... no one can prepare for the shock of a newborn, its like throwing a grenade into your lives, everything changes. So if you feel yourself sliding into depression head without hesitation to your GP for help!

Hi there, My DS had reflux when has now totally gone and had many of the symptoms that you describe your baby to have. My DS was on all sort of meds to help it and nothing helped until we tried Enfamil AR formula which was a godsend, it completely stopped his wind, reflux, tummy pains in about 5 days. I am not sure if they have it in OZ, but in NZ a similar one is called Novolok (or something like that!). When he had really windy pain we used to give him a warm bath, massage his tummy with cream and then peddle his legs, this always resulted in some pretty full on farts!