Overwhelmed with new baby - please tell me it's normal to feel like this

[neuroticlady]

Our baby is just over a week old. My DH and I are in a state of shock, I think. Everyone warns you what hard work it is but the reality has hit in a way we never expected and, if I am honest, we are both looking at each other and questioning why we had him. We both have had difficulty admitting this to each other but at least we're talking to each other about it. What makes it worse is that this is very much a 'wanted' baby - we went through years of trying before he came along. It makes how we feel so much worse to deal with.

Baby is currently screaming and we can't work out why, we're both exhausted and feeling pretty miserable, the house is a tip, our old lives look pretty good right now. Please can someone tell me they had similar feelings and that it will get better....? Thank you from a stressed new mum and dad!

Exactly NL.....one day at a time.

You are truly inspirational.

P.S. claraquitetirednow - sorry I didn't mean to ignore your question. You're right: I haven't ever said what our baby is called. I feel I have no right to bring him to life that much while I am dealing with such horrible thoughts and feelings. I would very much like to 'introduce' him to you at some point; it's a goal to work towards as it would mean I have got to a place where I feel I deserve him. I hope this makes sense. x

NL, sorry I haven't emailed recently...RL & all that!

Just wanted you to know that I am following your progress & you sound much more positive than a few weeks ago. I hope this continues.

You will [do] love your baby, the fact that you are here, trying to find a solution shows that you care.

In the first weeks I found it hard to believe I was a mother, I was waiting for someone to come & get dd, as if I were just babysitting her! It just felt unreal.

Hopefully when your clouds start to lift & you start to enjoy you baby, you will realise that the love was there all along, just sometimes it is hard for it to bloom when things are so tough!

I had all these feelings with my D1. honestly, honestly. I expected that initial "whoosh" of love and it never came - all I felt was a massive sense of rsponsibility and protectiveness, which felt like a burden. I was forever giving him to other people to hold.

In fact, my DH looked after DS1 for the first month so I always felt he was DH's child, not mine.

Thank God you had this place to vent and release your worst feelings. I just used to chain-smoke in the garden, twitching with guilt. You are honestly not alone.

nl - of course you must decide when the time is right to tell us more about your baby boy. i am going to keep reading and wait for that day as i know it will mean you have reached a better place. it sounds to me like you are getting there. i have no first-hand experience of what you are going through, but pnd is an illness like many other illnesses and with the right support you will get better. and once you are better i am sure you will learn to love your baby.

i hope the time change doesn't throw you too badly. the clocks have gone forward here which means none of the little ones want to sleep!!! xx

When you do come to love your baby unconditionally, you shouldn't feel ashamed of how you felt in these first couple of months. PND is a real, biological illness and you're no more responsible for your negative thoughts than a schizophrenic is for theirs. Honestly, you're just sick. It's not the real you. That's why it's so frightening.

Will you have internet access at the clinic? We'll all be missing you if not.

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Hi NeuroticLady
I've not posted on this thread before now but have read through most of it and, without wanting to repeat what so many others have said, I truly applaud you for your honesty and the way you are dealing with this tremendously difficult, emotional time.

God, I didn't even have PND - although I had a severe case of the baby blues - after my first child was born and I STILL had all those feelings of panic, of screaming "shut up!", of wanting life to go back to be just my partner and me again; so I think you are doing extremely, extremely well given your PND and the fact that your poor little boy has reflux. You have displayed through your posts on here a profound emotional intelligence, honesty and strength that in the long run are going to benefit you and your baby tremendously.

For a good number of months after my ds1 was born, I thought - like you - that i just wasn't cut out emotionally for motherhood and I desperately missed my "old life".
But - and I wouldn't have believed it if someone had told me at the time - two years later I am head over heels in love with my little boy. I would hate to go back to my "old life". I love being a mum. My little boy has brought me so much joy and laughter (stresses too, of course) - so much so that I've just had another baby!

You will get there.
Well done for getting through these 8 weeks. This time will pass sooner than you realise - you WILL get better - and before you know it, you'll reach that light at the end of the tunnel. Honestly.

All the very best. MM X

Hi NL. I am a new mom myself (11 week old) and whilst I have been lucky enough not to have suffered from PND or the associated issues that you have, I did have a rocky first few weeks as I didn't immediately connect with my baby and we also had some health issues which took its toll on bonding...so whilst I can't fully understand what you are going through I can certainly project and empathise...which brings me to the point of this post which is a practical one...its sounds like the next week or so is going to be a critical time for you as your parents will be leaving so I was wondering if you were still going to the mothers group you referenced and if so if you had or could confide in one or two of the new mothers there? Whilst they may not be able to fully understand they would likely be able to provide practical support (come for coffee, listen, watch your baby whilst you grab a little 'you' time). Most new mothers experience at least a little of the emotions that you write about so eloquently so I am sure that they would be able to provide a sympathetic ear? You may already have friends pn hand to do this so just a thought to make sure that you aren't left alone during the day....good luck and I hope you continue to make progress with this. You may be sick of hearing this but you will get through this and you sound like you are going to be a fantastic mother.

I feel in real danger of sliding right back to where I started.

Last night was a really bad night with the baby - I should have kept my big mouth shut about him starting to settle better. I was up and down to him all night, and got hardly any sleep. It was a relief when daylight broke and I knew I'd have some company soon.

We'd promised mum and dad we'd re-do the disastrous birthday lunch, which was exactly one month ago, when I had a total meltdown. I was so scared we were about to have a repeat performance: I was as tired today as I was that day a month ago; my head felt fuzzy and stuffed full, and I was disoriented. I could feel the tension building up in me again. My head started to fill with negative thoughts: I can't do this. I don't want to be here. He's going to scream. He won't sleep and that will mean he has another terrible night.

I could just feel the blackness was right behind me, hovering. It still is. I am so scared of crashing again. It feels too soon to be dealing with a big upheaval (mum and dad leaving). I have been emotional all day, and now I can't stop the tears. Mum cried when she had to say goodbye to the baby (they leave really early in the morning). That made me cry. I don't want to deny them their grandson, and I don't want him to not know them. I feel so guilty. Then he wouldn't settle, probably because he was picking up on my tension. He cried and cried this evening. That hasn't happened recently. In turn, I started to feel frustrated, impatient, overwhelmed. Afraid of him - back to where I was. And that lead to more panic. It's a spiral of negativity and I am whipping it up and making it so much worse for myself. DH is getting frustrated with me - we started to argue today. Again, a move backwards.

I am praying the baby settles after his feeds through the night. My confidence is so low, so easily shattered right now. If I have another really bad night with him, like last night, I will see it as a pattern, that it's my fault because I'm losing it again.

As I write this I know what I am saying is probably not logical. But that's what happens with PND. You don't think logically. Everything is a negative, a potential problem, something to get stressed about. Everything minor issue is exaggerated into a major problem. I can't focus on the positives, the good days. All I can see is when things are bad and that they are likely to get worse.

What exactly am I so afraid of? I don't know. I wish I did. All I know is that I am afraid of being alone tomorrow with him. I'm afraid it will come off the back of a bad night, so that I will start an emotional day exhausted and even less able to think rationally. I'm afraid I'll very quickly feel overwhelmed again, and that I'll sink back into the worst, most frightening blackness I experienced a few weeks ago. And I'm really scared that thinking like this will ensure it happens - a self fulfilling prophecy.

Forget day by day - I need to take this hour by hour. I have to go right back to the basics, remembering to breathe, focusing on staying calm. When I think of saying goodbye to mum and dad in the early hours I choke up, feel desperate, like begging them to stay - or to take me with them. Again, I'm reverting back to the helpless child I was when they arrived five weeks ago.

I need to get through tomorrow. This is so pathetic, I am being pathetic, what the hell is wrong with me - I am (normally) a capable grown up, and listen to me - I hate myself for being like this. I need to sit on the panic, tell myself I can do it, I can cope without them.

I have the final mothers' group meeting in the afternoon. I don't want to go right now, but I will make myself as it will be a welcome distraction. I don't know if I will mention that my parents will have left that morning. I'm only just getting to know a few of them and I will probably start to cry - nothing wrong with that, perhaps, except I don't want to do it. (Control freak again.)

The next day, I've made sure I've got my contact at Parent Support coming to the house, and a friend is coming to be with me, too. On Thursday I am going for half a day to the day care centre I went to before - they booked me and the baby in anticipating I might find this week hard. That only leaves Friday, and then it's the weekend and DH will be around.

But the hardest day will be tomorrow. That moment when DH leaves to take my parents to the airport will be the worst. I'll know, as I watch the car go, that my time for being the needy child, my time for being mothered, is over. I'll have to turn back round and walk into the empty house, knowing that for the first time in weeks I will be alone with the baby and no matter how tough it gets, from that moment on it's going to be down to me. I thought I was making progress (maybe I was) but I don't feel ready for this at all.

What the hell is wrong with me?

Hi NL. So sorry for what you are going through. You will get through tomorrow, you will... but I think you (or DH) need/s to get onto the psych again. How do you feel about the res unit -- do you want to go, or are you scared of the idea?

I think someone needs to push for this very hard now.

Having said that, you have come so far in the last few weeks: please hold on to the sense you've had recently of things beginning to feel slightly more OK. That's a MASSIVE step forward -- remind yourself of that at every step. Keep going back to good moments, tiny things which lifted your slightly.

I wish you could get the support to allow you to properly catch your breath -- this is how I see the res unit. Don't be tempted to put a brave face on it, just tell everyone how you are feeling. And don't over-analyse everything. It's the illness making you feel like this, it's not the baby or your relationship. And you'll get out of it.

PND! It's not that there is something wrong with you personally, you are doing well. Unforunately, pnd often involves some regression. What you are feeling is completely understandable considering that your parents are going home and your baby is still unsettled. It's nothing you are doing wrong and you should not feel ashamed or guilty.

Has the reflux medication made any difference? He is still very young and is bound to have episodes when he is hard to soothe (my ds is the same and doesn't have reflux so things must be tough for you).

It will get easier, things will change. This time next year everything will look very different!

So glad MyEye had something helpful to say. Do try not to be so hard on yourself and accept that you are ill.... sleep deprivation can be a complete mind f**k, without throwing PND into the equation, so I think you are doing brilliantly and so good to be posting on here regularly. Don';t be afraid to admit to feeling terrible, or airing your worst fears about yourself or your feelings, it must be a help on some level. Really hope you feel better soon and get the help you need asap. Wish I could be of more help....

This very normal... it gets better honest!
Try reading the "Baby Whisperer" it was very helpful and will help you to understand your baby and why it is crying. If you feed on time and the sleep is in some form of routine and the baby is not wet then it will help you in this crazy time. The routine does not have to be perfect and you can adapt it to suit you. It really helped me and my friends.

NL...You know you can say whatever you want to us and we wont judge you, because most of us have been there.

I am not going to repeat that it gets better because I dont think you believe it at the moment - and who could blame you?

You are having a really rough time with a hard to settle/poorly baby, bad PND and your parents leaving.....you are not pathetic but I can understand why you feel that way. I did too. Still do sometimes!!

You are so brave, you have asked for help and seem to be getting it...my son was 17 months old when my poor old body had just had enough of no sleep, no proper food and me pretending everything was alright. I was hospitalised for a few days and finally realised I needed help.

Keep posting, keep in touch with the psych unit, keep hoping for a better day tomorrow xxx

Neuroticlady, you ask "what the hell is wrong with me?". You have post-natal depression, and everything you are describing is directly out of a book of symptoms. It is not you making a fuss, it is not you being weak, it is not you being incapable. All over the world MN-etters are thinking of you in this difficult week. Take it hour by hour, and be as strong as you can. You know what you need to do, and we and all your support network in Australia will help you.

You say you spoke too soon about your DS settling. That seems to be the way of babies! I have found with my baby that we have good days and bad days intermixed. Just when I think things are getting better, she starts waking at different times, seemingly just to confuse me! One bad night is not necessarily the start of a pattern, please don't despair. As orangina says, sleep deprivation messes with your mind so much that it is hard to see beyond it. I was hallucinating at one point, seeing things in the playmat, imagining myself running out of the door and keeping running, feeling like throwing the baby out of the window etc. etc. It was just the crazy hormones mixed with sleep deprivation, and has not lasted. I love her now even though it is hard to smile when she wakes at 2, 4 and 5am (like last night). You know you are not alone in having these feelings. Please keep posting after your parents have left. Please let us know how you are.

Hi again NL, I'm so, so sorry you had another bad night. I'm sure youve been offered all sorts of practical advice to help you through this time but nevertheless I'll just add my penny's worth in case there is something here that can help you:

SLEEP DEPRIVATION - This will be making your PND ten times worse. It's a form of torture, for goodness sake! And with your sleepless nights it's no wonder you can't always think rationally and are constantly on the verge of tears. You need more sleep. Is there anyone there, once your parents have gone, who can take the baby/hold the baby/walk the baby so that you can grab an hour or two of extra sleep in the day? Honestly, it sounds so simple but it will make the world of difference.

ROUTINE - Is your baby in a routine? Even the biggest screamers/most unsettled babies benefit from a routine. Sure, if you're a laidback mum or if you don't mind a bit of unpredicatability in your life then feeding on demand or going with the flow is fine. But in your situation you really need some order so that you can wrestle back a bit of control for yourself. Does your baby feed at set times? Is he on a 3 hourly or 4 hourly routine?
After each feed your baby should have a little activity time, then sleep. And with a spirited or unsettled baby like yours it's really important to try and settle them before they get too tired otherwise it can just be a nightmare and they'll never sleep. I know, because my DS1 was like this. Once I learnt how to spot his tiredness 'cues' it revolutionised my days and improved his sleep and temperament no end. It's amazing how many babies are screaming through being overtired (altho obviously in your case the reflux is not helping).

Re: The Reflux. I wonder why your GP has not prescribed Gaviscon? This worked wonders for friends of mine with reflux babies - and seems a much more effective/simpler way of giving him medicine without having to give a tablet. But perhaps I'm being ignorant here as I don't know much about your baby's circumstances.

DUMMIES! - Do you use a dummy with your ds? If not, please try it. I wish I'd used one earlier with my first DS as it would have saved hours of screaming/tears. He rejected it after about 4 months anyway, once he was more settled, so if you're worried about him becoming dummy dependent, don't be. It won't happen - and you're in control of it remember!
It could really buy you some peace.

QUIET ROOM: Is there a room in the house where you can go where you don't hear the baby crying? Or the bottom of the garden?
My kitchen is great for being out of earshot of baby's tears. It's important when you feel like you're on the verge of breaking down, screaming at baby, etc - WALK AWAY. Go somewhere where you can't hear him crying for 10, 15 minutes. Have a cup of tea. TAKE DEEP BREATHS. Calm yourself down, until you feel ready to face baby again.

...
I have more but my laptop is running out of batteries!
THANK GOD, I hear you say.

I know that nothing I can say practically can take away the PND, but all of these can help make each day, each hour, easier for you.
If you're doing all the above, then that's great.

I hope this doesn't sound patronising. It's not remotely intended that way.

Sending you my best wishes. You will get through this.

MM X

NL, I've been following this thread from the start and the tone of your most recent post sounds as though you have found some calm.

Just wanted to say that I, too, fantasised about being hospitalised so that I didn't have to breastfeed and that someone else would have to look after the baby. I think it's within the realms of normalcy and even quite sensible in some ways! And shows that you're putting the baby first - you would rather take yourself out of the situation than your DS. That's the way I rationalised it.

Oh, and despite feeling that way at the beginning I don't feel that way anymore and I don't feel guilt at having felt that way either. Parenting is hard enough without putting blame or guilt or pressure on yourself. Plus what you're feeling is legitimate. You might not have chosen that way but the fact is that this situation has resulted in you feeling this way and I found that the sooner I accepted this the easier it was to move on.

You are getting there and you have made it to 8 weeks. Well done. Hope it goes ok when your parents leave. It will probably be hard for the first couple of days - I found that when my DH went back to work - but in many ways it's easier! You can then decide exactly what you want to do and how you do it. I found that it was less to think about when I just went with whatever I thought was best and easiest for me to do and didn't have to consider what anyone other than me and DS might think or feel. Sorry, this is a bit rambly but hopefully it might make a bit of sense. Thinking of you xx

oh gawd - sorry, i posted that without having seen your actual most recent post. I'm so sorry you've had a bad night and that the thought of your parents leaving is making you so unhappy. perhaps you could go out and leave them rather than them leaving you? I sometimes find this easier when saying goodbye x

thinking of you NL

Hi NL- thinking of you and hoping you are coping as well as you can without your mum and dad.

Have you tried RESCUU REMEDY? Made by Bach Flower Remedies. You can buy it in a spray from pharmacies/ health shops. I take it sometimes when I'm feeling stressed and it really takes the edge off/calms you. Just an idea.

When DD had reflux, before she was diagnosed (4 months by the way so I know exactly what you're going through), we co slept. Is that an option for you? I was breastfeeding too and it was the only way we all got a good nights sleep. Know it's not really recommended but I think it's worth trying anything that may help.

NL

I've been reading your thread and not posted because others have given such great advice and support, but it feels a bit voyeuristic actually, so I wanted to say hello.

Reading this thread has made me feel like a rabbit in the headlights to be honest. You have articulated my post-birth experience with amazing clarity - it has been hard to read.

My son is nearly 3 now. He is the absolute love of my life.

When DS was 3 weeks old he choked on his vomit and was rushed into hospital. He was diagnosed with reflux. When he was 5 months old, the health care professionals finally diagnosed me with severe PND. Those 5 months were horrific. I lived in constant state of anxiety and fear. I screamed at him. Every day was an eternity. He didn't sleep. I couldn't reach out for help. I really lost myself.

I am better now. A combination of AD's, counselling and a growing child have returned me to myself.

A few pearls of hard won wisdom from one reflux/PND sufferer to another:

It will get better.

I think/hope that you will actually feel stronger once the grief of your parents leaving has passed. For some reason I always felt worse when they were around (despite crying for my mum and wishing they lived nearer). I think they reminded my how much I longed to be a little girl and not have this responsibility, but of course ultimately he was my child, my responsibility. I discovered super-human strength when I was on my own.

Reflux comes and goes, good days/bad days. It is utterly soul destroying when you feel that they are starting to settle and then you are back at square one. Slowly, slowly it gets better. In the meantime, I found the only time I could really relax was when he was out in his pram with DH or a trusted friend. I didn't beat myself up about sleep (like you I was so anxious, and didn't want to be woken just as I dropped off) but used the time to mentally unwind.

I winded that baby to within an inch of his life! Lots and lots of back rubbing and rocking to bring up wind and help him get comfortable.

I really thought that our experiences in those first few weeks would irreparably damage my relationship with DS. Or somehow damage him. All I can say is that our relationship is loving, cuddly, funny, exasperating, and joyful (just like a 'normal' parent) and that DS is a sunny, quirky, happy 2 year old.

You cannot always meet the needs of a baby with reflux. You can feed/change/cuddle and still be faced with a screaming, uncomfortable child. I think if you stop trying to 'fix' it you might feel a bit better.

You need to look after you. Take your meds, carve out time to relax, rope in help, use your support networks, don't beat yourself up.

I really feel for you NL. It's like being run over by a truck this motherhood lark. I never thought I'd be 'natural' with DS, but I am.

I hope you are ok today.

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Thinking of you NL xx