What is it all about???

[NAB3littlemonkeys]

DS1, 6 and 9 months just got in a mood because I asked him to tidy up, etc etc. Said he wanted to be killed, said he didn't care if I went, refused to listn, said he would wee all over the floor when I said he had to wait to use the loo and called himself an idiot boy.

DD now crying and has an attitude as well. DS1 has turned the light off and left her in the dark.

Have come downstairs after telling them to put themselves to bed.

All I want to do is cuddle DS but I know he will push me away or tell me to go away.

Can't work out DD at all.

End of term knackered-ness, probably.

DD now fine. Have put her to bed and given her a cuddle.

Went in to see DS1 and asked him what he had to say for himself. He said sorry and I told him it wasn't good enough and all this sort of behaviour had to stop.

Dh now home and has made him come down and tidy up. DS is very quiet.

Please can any one help? Sat here with tears in my eyes drinking wine.

When you asked him what he had to say for himself, what did you want him to say? When he said he was sorry why shoot him down saying that his sorry is not good enough. I know what you mean and you know what you mean but perhaps it makes him fee not good enough whatever he does.
When he said he was sorry, maybe you could have asked him what you could both do to overcome the behaviour problems as they were making him and you unhappy and that wasn't a good way to be, was it?
I'm just guessing here and trying to help. I know it's easy for me to sit here without the emotion that's surrounding you and yours. I'm just thinking what I might have done with my children. Which, of course, I might not have done if I was tired and worked up.

What Juuule said was very wise I have no advice and would also be sobbing into wine having done exactly what you did (with much shouting first most likely )

Hubby says he says the things he says and does the things he does to wind me up and get a reaction.

I am off to bed now as I am exhausted.

I'd agree that the things you say he said in your op sound as though he wants a reaction from you but I don't think it's to wind you up. To be saying the things he does, I don't think your ds is happy with the situation. I really do think you need to sit down and talk it through with him and show him that you love him no matter what but that if you could both work together life would be so much better.

It's just taken me 2 hours to get my 4 yr old DD and 6 yr old DS to sleep and they didn't even have a bath tonight. Nobody warned me that boys have their teenager thing at 6! They are both very tired and very very excited about Christmas. A very unpleasant mix. I have bought a book called 'Your Six Year Old - Loving and Defiant' and am hoping to find some answers there rather that the bottom of my tumbler. There is nothing you can do apart from grin and bear it and do what I do and end your evening with a gin and tonic. It is Christmas after all...

This morning I stayed in bed and Dh got the kids up and did everything. DS1 asked where I was and DH said I had gone. DD looked shocked but DS1 didn't say anything. Dh told him it was what he wanted and DS1 said it was.

I appeared later on and he asked him where I had been.

He said something he shouldn't this morning and I looked at him, he said sorry straight away so I was happy about that.

DS1 isn't much of a talker, not about emotional things anyway. It doesn't help that I have no idea how to do any of this as I never had a normal upbringing and have loads of issues. When my children look a certain way or say certain things I immediately put my spin on it and assume they feel the way I did as a child.

I know this is barmy as they have a Mum and a Dad for a start so their childhood is a million miles away from mine but it is hard when one posts certain things on here and I am criticised. I don't want to have to qualify everything I post but it would be so much easier if I could just post things and people are a bit more understanding.

Thank you to all those trying to help.

It's hard. when i was a child i was famous for giving out 'looks' but i knew they got a reaction but didn't actually know what i was doing or why, expect maybe to get a reaction. i also used to say i wish i wasn't here anymore etc... some children do i think i just wanted someone to ignore what i'd done or whatever and maybe say something like 'it would be awful if you were gone?' i don't know but this is a guess.
i think when you've been hurt by something your child says you want them to say sorry but when they do it doesn't feel like enough you want them to explain why they said it when poss they don't know.
i read once that sometimes when you have children that are getting older it's easier to 'talk' while doing something everyday and not looking at each other.
you are a good mum because you are bothered by what he's said and you are looking for support in stopping it.
sometimes childrens purpose as they get older is to test us and check that no matter what they do you'll be there and still love them.
maybe next time just ignore him and his behaviour and carry on regardless or if something does have to be said next time you speak act as though it didn't happen? i don't know what would be best i think like everything trial and error. they become teenagers in their behaviour sooner.

i worry i've waffled

I have bought a book today, the only one in Smiths that was relevant and it is similar to Toddler Taming but for 5- 12 year olds.

NAB
I don't think anyone has criticised you. Perhaps some of your'spin' on things is that when people suggest things that are different from what you are doing you take that as a crticisism.
I had huge problems when my DS as I found it very hard to cope with his special needs and I also used to get defensive about what others said when looking back they were probably trying to help.

FWIW I think it would be great if you could all try and avoid such 'nuclear' language. From all the posts of yours I have read your home does sound quite highly charged ( as mine was !!) and perhaps that is why your son reacts so intensly - to get some reaction.

I am not sure I would talk to my child about one of us leaving - must be pretty unsettling even if he brushes it off. He is still just a little boy.
I do hope you have a better day today.
They are all pretty over excited about xmas just now. Hope the book helps x

It was just the comment about nothing my son did ever being good enough. I don't think I expect too much from him but I have never been the mother of a 6 year old before, only nannied for one!

Please explain what you mean by nuclear language and I can try and change.

I have never thought of our house being highly charged but may be it is??

Yes, we should have said Mummy was lying in etc etc but when DH has told him we are sad about his behaviour he has no response. Desperate times call for desperate measures. I don't need to be told about being abandoned, believe me, but I am trying my bloody best here and are running out of ideas.

He had the chance to come out with me alone on Saturday and din't want to come, admittedly it was only to Tesco for half an hour but that is still 1 hour alone with Mummy. He never gets time alone with me as I have the younger too but on a weekend wants to see Daddy. Might suggest DH takes him out on his own at the weekend.

My favourite time of the day is when he comes out of school and my heart lifts when I see him at the class room door, seems to all go wrong once we are home.

I was told that the book 'How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk', by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish is very very good.

One other thing I also remember reading about is that mothers tend to shut themselves off when they are angry, and they cut off the communication with the kids. Keep talking to him (within reason, obviously - if left unchecked I yak nearly non-stop ).

Try not to say what you do not mean, and do tell him how you feel. You are doing as much as you can, and can only be a good thing. You are also looking for help, and this is also a very good thing.

Just do not ever forget that your ds does NOT want you to go away, no matter what he says.

hold on to that moment, you sound like you could really do with a bit of support, do you have anyone whio can give you some totally on your own mummy time? You need to find a way to break the cycle and make all your lives fun again. Spend some time thinking about how you can do this and be like the positive super mum for a day it may not work but you will feel a lot better at the end of it. I think sometimes you can be totally over the top positive, would seem like sarcastic to an adult, and the little ones lap it up. Hope you are feeling a little happier, big virtual hug.(((((())))))

I said to a close friend this morning that I wonder whether I should have had kids.

I would die of a broken heart without DS1, why does he thnk I don't love him yet the HV says he is very secure because he behaves like this?

I always give the children a 10 minute time warning, followed by 5, 2 etc, that it will soon be time to start tidying up before bath time but they just don't want to tidy up. DS1 knows he will get sent upstairs if he behaves badly enough so he is getting what he wants really, getting out of tidying up. DH sent him back down yesterday to do it though.