What is it all about???

[NAB3littlemonkeys]

DS1, 6 and 9 months just got in a mood because I asked him to tidy up, etc etc. Said he wanted to be killed, said he didn't care if I went, refused to listn, said he would wee all over the floor when I said he had to wait to use the loo and called himself an idiot boy.

DD now crying and has an attitude as well. DS1 has turned the light off and left her in the dark.

Have come downstairs after telling them to put themselves to bed.

All I want to do is cuddle DS but I know he will push me away or tell me to go away.

Can't work out DD at all.

If tidying up is the issue that makes the whole family feel like this don't bother for a few days, live in mess or tidy after they are in bed. I know it should be there job etc but it is not worth feeling this way for.

DD is seven, she is the worst tidierer-upper I have ever met, she is just a naturally messy child, she eats messy, she dresses messy, her hair is always messy, her room is always messy etc etc.

At first it drove me insaaaaaaaaaaaaaane but I just learnt to accept that like adults, children have traits, dd's is messiness, ds's havent really shone through yet, I think he is a bit young, DP whinges, I'm pretty bloody intolerant etc. They are people after all.

So with the tidying up thing, I tell her that her room needs tidying, and help her. TBH, throwing a few toys back in boxes and stuff doesnt take long and we tidy it properly once a week. Sorting the washing, however is something she is good at, so I tailor their 'jobs' to what they find easy.

Oh, I also agree that you need time alone with ds, not shopping necessarily but something. Maybe for christmas you could have a 'day out' gift?? So you take DD somewhere one day and DS somewhere another, as part of their present?

It's an easy trap to fall into, but try not to expect adult levels of understanding and reasoning from a 6yo. He won't find it easy to explain how he feels in adult language.

You've got into a cycle of being negative towards each other, breeding more negative interactions. 'It's not good enough' is really not a great response to an apology. And of course he doesn't want to tidy up, he's 6! You have to come up with ways of encouraging him to do it.

Races, timer and books all look like good things to try. And give yourself a break - you are only human and it sounds like you don't have much experience of good parenting from your own family to draw on. Maybe if book doesn't help, you could think about asking your HV for some more specific help?

edam is right about the communication thing, IMO.

Please don't take this the wrong way, but from your threads you seem quite stressed out alot of the time. Overly stressed about things that don't necessarily matter iyswim. If I were you I'd try to just let things go a bit more. I would assume that the children feel the tension in the house which is why they behave that way.

I know when I'm stressed the kids are little feckers, but the days I could handle anything they throw at me, they are angelic little darlings

I think Janitor is right about having time alone. Not doing normal things but making a big deal out of a mummy and ds1 day- maybe between christmas and ny if your dh is off?
When my dd's behaviour is a bit off we have one of these days-we have been to the british museum recently and we really saw a change the next day.

This is the whole point. Clearly I am wrong for expecting 6 and 4 year olds to tidy up their toys. I didn't think I was asking too much but maybe I am. I do help them so it at times but are usually doing other things too. BTW I am not being sarcastic with that first comment.

I really praised DS1 yesterday for doing something immediately I asked for DD but he just looked unbothered. I really praise them when they are good, kind, etc but they don't seem to respond to it.

I just need someone to tell me how to be a parent as I am making a pig's ear of it.

The HV is interested now he is at school (where incidently the i afternoon a week teacher commented to his main teacher how well behaved he is!)

I am very stressed, as well as suffereing with depression, but that isn't my fault, just as much as it isn't the kids and I am trying my best.

NAB
hi there
By nuclear I just mean the intensity of what you are saying to each other. It always sounds very emotional and significant when actually kids are all about laughing at pooh jokes and stuff at that age.
My DD is only 5 so not so far from your DS.
to be honest he just sounds as though he doesn't want to risk anything because its as if he doesn't want to be disappointed. Its a bit like a kid saying "well I didn't want to go anyway" when they haven't been invited to a friends party.
The old adage is that in order to keep a childs esteem high they need 8 good comments to counteract one bad one. Does he get praised much or is he now convinced that he is just always in the crap.
I ask because that is what i did to DS1 for a while. I was so careful to keep an eye on DS2 with all his problems - and of course ds1 seem grown up and capeable compared to ds2 that i suddenly realised that the poor boy was being nagged at and told off from morning until night. I never ever intended that but that is how it ended up. He didn't behave like your ds but he did get very quiet and worried about things a lot.
It took some heavy months of just constantly praising him and reassuring him to get him back to how he should be.

Does any of that echo with your experience at all or is your situation very different. It is so difficult to describe things on here isn't it.

Have tried the timer but while DD age 4 likes it when in the mood, DS1 isn't bothered. He will only tidy up if he is getting something for it, the tv, computer, tree put up, etc. I am probably wrong but I don't see that I should have to bribe my kids to do things all the time.

I think tension is a big factor and preparation is the key to counter it!Think through your usual arguments over routine and prepare your answers and your reactions. Stick to them and relax.

It's not your fault in the slightest. We all get stressed, dp is terrible for it, the kids do roly polys upstairs and he gets in a real strop about the noise, I have to say to him 'What harm is it doing??' and remind him the only harm is that he is getting stressed out by it.

As for expecting children to tidy their own toys away, no you were not being unreasonable. DS tidies his bedroom perfectly, he will be 3 in two weeks, it just isn't one of dd's strong points.

BTW I have decided to not ask them to tidy up today.

This thread has turned in to tidying but his behaviour is so much more than having a sulk over it.

This morning he went in to school and said his heart felt funny, like he had a stone in it. Said it didn't hurt. Have mentioned it to his teacher and she was going to keep an eye on him.

Ever since his horrendous birth I have had this feeling there is something wrong with his heart and he will going to just die. So when he says things like that I get scared, worried and panicky.

QUICK ASIDE:Janitor- I got the feeling I wound you up yesterday. It was unintentional, I hope we are still friends

NAB - I do have to echo what others are saying. I have three aged 14, 11 and 5 and asking them to go and tidy on their own comes a bit later - especially for boys. DD will have a good go but like sme to be with her. they will get the hang of it but if the stress is as great as you describe then for me it is not worth it just now.

Sometimes a snuggle under the duvet is much much more productive in the long term

BTW you are definatley not doing a bad job of it, you are having a hard time and perhaps need to take astep back and gain perspective but this is very easy to say when it is not your own family. i also suffer from deppresion and have had to come off my tablets 5 weeks ago for an upcoming operation. I have noticed that since I came off my tablets my 4yo dds behaviour has gone right downhill. This proves that it is me causing it but doesn't neccesarily mean I can gain the perspective needed to change it. I just think you need a break. BTW my dd1 has never tidied anything up inher life and I gave up fighting about it a long time ago. My 30mth old dd2 tidies up her toys without me even mentioning it. Just personality traits i think. Point being don't make your life miserable for something that isn't really important iykwim.

I do try and praise him but he doesn't really react.

Sometimes he is so good and so helpful it is a bit scary and unnerving!

NAB, I understand that his behaviour is not all about tidying up, but if you can keep the stress down to a minimum (tidying up yourself, or with them may take an extra 5 minutes, but it's less stressful than the arguments over it) then you will become less, the house will become less stressed and in turn the children will too.

Try not to worry too much about his heart, if you're bothered by it, take him to the doctors, but it will just make you more fraught when things aren't perfect between you.

NAB
The thread has not turned into a tidying up thread - it has turned into a "is the tidying up actually worth the stress
given that the children involved are so little" thread - which is entirely about all of your DS's issues.

are you getting help with your depression. Our children will pick up on our tension and anxiety regardless of how hard we try not to let it affect them. Your son sounds very anxious for such a little boy.

I am completely heart broken now. My 6 year old stressed.

I do tell him how much I love him , that I couldn't be without him, that my stomach flips when I think about him, that I can't wait to pick him up from school. What can I do if he doesn't believe it?

Your 6 year old isn't stressed as such, he is feeling your stress.