Smacking! At what age do people thinking it's appropriate

[AlanasMum]

I was at coffee morning the other day and my 15m dd was playing up a little. Another mum commented and said wow I bet she gets a lot of smacks. I must have looked a bit shocked as it hadn't occured to me to smack dd before.

I've always been on the fence on this subject and figured I'd cross that bridge when I came to it. Which appears to be coming quicker than I anticipated.

really, ditto mollymawk. Exactly for me too.

oh god haven't read everything but it just leaps out at me so so so strongly....

if it is not ok (in fact illegal) to hit an adult why on EARTH is it ok to hit a child?

children are more vulnerable that adults, more prone to deep sense of shame, serious mimickers of their carers behaviours...

smacking is just wrong wrong wrong.

i do not condemn parents that smack out of a loss of control (lets face it children can push and push and push us to the edge) and feel huge remorse, recognising that they have failed in parenting for a moment (and we all do that don't we?)

i ABSOLUTELY condemn those that take a philosophical stance that smacking children is fine and justified....it is obscene.

WIthin the law I'm not aprticularly anti smacking but I loathe it in small children who are unable to understand what's going on. Not a fan of it eeither I ahsten to add, but I do think there's a level before it becomes abusive (the whole red mark thing)

BTW legally its any red amrk. Hold your LO's hand and squeeze- it leaves a aamrk. Anything more is, rightly abusive. By law. Which is good, but so are so many other things I have to say- I hate it just as much when you hear 'Mummy won't love you if you do X' or anything like that. Kids are vulnerable in so many ways.

another vote for never

I have listened to other mums say that they don't know what to do with their DCs as smacking doesn't work so where do you go next?

I remember on a few occasions having my mums handprint in red on my thighs I remember how that felt and have vowed never to do that to my children (although they are young and I haven't been truly tested).

I never have agreed with smacking, even before having a child, and ds is five this year and has never had a smack.

I am not saying that anyone who has resorted to a smack when at the very end of their tether is a crap mum, far from it - we are all human. But as a 'discipline technique' it's just pathetic and crap and nothing to do with good parenting. It's easy enough to find other ways of dealing with kids that don't involve smacking.

Never.

Also they can easily get childline numbers so if you do it you're risking court action. Also if you leave a mark you break the law. If you don't then it can't really hurt so what was the point in doing it?

margo, this is something I have never really understood. When people say - I only smack if my child is in danger, why would you smack then?
I mean, if your child had its fingers up a dog's nose, then wouldn't you just lift the child out of the way? Why woudl you waste time smacking?

I am going to say "I agree with Xenia" really quickly because you never know when you might get that opportunity again .

Ah, now I have done that when DS1 ran in the road- it was an adrenaline response and not thought about at all, pure fear. Would never choose to do it, though.

oh, do you think so? yes that would make sense, an adrenaline response.
It always sounds really strange to me, to think of punishing in the middle of a dangerous situation, when I would have thought your first instinct is to protect.
the only time I have ever been driven to thoughts of violence has been at the end of a loooooong and prolonged tantrum or kick off.

Not appropriate at any age!

Harpsi

Because I was heavily pregnant and couldn't get out of my chair quick enough to move her.

But once something like this has happened you can replay it in your mind and think about how you can deal with it better the next time. And I have come up with other strategies which don't involve hitting her

It does seem strange when you think about it, yes- I guess its the fight or flight part of it?

I do wish people would understand the other harmful 'disciplines' though- just because it doesn't bruise its not OK. My 'friend' used to say 'when you do that it makes mummy stop loving you' and I thought Hell girl, that will bruise FOREVER

Not that thats an issue i'll ever contend with, ASD rather eliminstaes that one, and ds2 is too sweet to need much discipline

no fair enough margo, I wasn't having a go.
I agree that psychological abuse is very harmful too. this is the kind of thing that brutalises and damages.

Never - the only friend I have who smacked her ds as a matter of course (aged 12m to about 4) has got a real handful of a child now he's 12... really don't think it did him any favours... whereas mine are all lovely and unscarred!!

Thats okay Harpsi - I know it's an emotive subject and was prepared to explain my reasons why I did what I did.

But just because some parents say brand their children with irons doesn't mean if a parent injects them with drugs that's fine because one other bad thing is done. So the argument that if we shout at our children that can be as damaging is true (and if you look on the NSPCC web site they categorise the shouting etc as abuse) but that doesn't mean the physical violence is right.

I suppose the thread is about how some people are prepared to admit they break the law.

I would say the thread was about how some people are prepared to admit they have made mistakes, regretted them, learned from them and would like to share with other mums what worked and didn't work.

Slightly off the actual question of the op but I was with a group of friends the other day (5 adults, 7 children between us. My ds was the youngest at 2.5, others were almost 3, and 1 6 yr old. Smacking came up as there is a bill being passed here about smacking children and others were flabberghasted that I had never smacked ds, almost critical in fact!

I have one friend irl who has smacked her DS. She did it when he was a toddler, because she had severe SPD and couldn't lift him or restrain him. (Which are things I think everyone does with toddlers, right?)

She found it didn't work, anyway.

Before I had children, I thought that smacking was wrong, but something I would inevitably end up doing at some point. So far, I haven't, and I'm very happy about that.

I can see smacking as an immediate reaction to danger, without thinking about it. But I don't think it's necessary to do - we had a severely dairy-allergic child over, who grabbed a piece of cheese and put it in his mouth. All adults shrieked, got it back out of his mouth. Nobody hit him. But he was so upset (and he wasn't a delicate little boy), it was clear that adults being alarmed was an extreme enough experience for anyone ...

exavtly, NQC - I would imagine that shrieking would be enough to resolve a situation of danger. ~I don't know why hitting the child would be necessary or even helpful.

I got smacked once - very hard, on the leg by my dad - as I was about to stick a fork in a plug socket.

I'd like to think I would never smack my child, but in a similar situation, I don't know that I'd be confident that a loud shriek would distract him enough.

But in no other circumstance.

When we were on holiday in France last year, I saw a mother with two children (6 and 8, maybe)? The younger one was whinging and the mother snapped at her then cuffed her across the head! From the lack of reaction by the child, it wasn't an unusual thing... I found that quite distressing.

No age is appropriate! When would it be appropriate to give an adult a slap because we didn't like what they were doing?

I never knew there was such controversy at coffee mornings! I might have to go to one!