Smacking! At what age do people thinking it's appropriate

[AlanasMum]

I was at coffee morning the other day and my 15m dd was playing up a little. Another mum commented and said wow I bet she gets a lot of smacks. I must have looked a bit shocked as it hadn't occured to me to smack dd before.

I've always been on the fence on this subject and figured I'd cross that bridge when I came to it. Which appears to be coming quicker than I anticipated.

But you have no idea of how many strategies I use and you are not in a position to judge the effectiveness of someone elses's parenting techniques when you know nothing about them or their children.
To make blanket statements that this that and the other is 'wrong' is very narrow minded.
I am sure I could come round to your house and find you guilty of "lazy parenting" in many areas and could point how how I was not at all lazy in that respect. It's not my business though is it?

I am not here to make judgemnets on you as a parent because you DON"T smack, even though I think you are wrong to make such sweeping generalisations about it and about a person you have never met and know nothing about.

Now for all I know you say you don't smack and therefore that makes your disciplining somehow better than mine but you could parent/discipline your children in a way that I find really inappropriate and offensive. Neither of us is right or wrong.

I hate this 'smacking is one of the most the most hideous things you can do to a child' .
No it's not.

You will find that children can be damaged far more by non physical means of discipline, emotional control, verbal put downs, undermining of confidence etc than by a quick smack.

tbh kitty I don't much care about your parenting techniques and the strategies you use, you're right I am not in a position to judge.
it's just I don't much like children being hit.
I think hitting children is wrong.
I wouldn't much like it if your dh was hitting you either.

That's fair enoug. But I think each situation needs to be looked at indivudually .

I agree I am certainly not in a position to judge you or anyone else as a mother, or your choice of discipline however I totally disagree with smacking and even if each case is looked at individually I would still not accept that smacking is the answer. But that's my opinion and I respect your opinion too

The arguements used by pro-smacking people regards smacking their children, are almost identical to those used in the past by pro-smacking groups regarding wives. Yes I wonder how many people nowadays would think the latter was acceptable.

kitty, hitting a child is one of the most hideous things you can do to a child. Hitting IS wrong. I don't think we can always say 'neither of us is right or wrong'. Sometimes in life things are wrong and should not be done. Simple as that.

Yes, I'm not saying I am the perfect parent and you may come round and think I am not parenting as well as you in some ways; but I will never hit my son and that makes THAT bit of my parenting the best it can be.

It's just wrong to hit a child who looks to you for it's care, development and security and who is by definition, vulnerable. As I've said before.

Hula, your point about it being just as acceptable some years ago for men to hit wives, is spot on.

I'd always assumed my dad smacked me, as he was such a bad-tempered unreasonable man and that my mother hadn't as I have always had a very close relationship with her. It turns out he NEVER did and she did quite often ! I am NOT in favour of smacking, but there really is a danger of getting too hung up about long-term damage to children if they get the occasional smack from a frazzled mum. Right now, I'm thinking about the mums who are finding parenting very difficult and who might have given a smack - as I did when mine were little. They're now 10 and 7 and I haven't resorted to smacking for five years but at that time, had I come on mumsnet and been told my behaviour was 'hideous' by fellow mums I think it might have tipped me over the edge. Smacking does not work, imo as a discipline strategy, but in the context of an otherwise loving family we need to get it into proportion. I can, however, say that I have NEVER shouted horrible things at my children or called them names and to me, that is more of an achievement than being able to say 'I never, ever smacked them'.

mmm, yes steiner mum actually I agree, 'hideous' a bit much! but i used kitty's word and typed in a hurry, so didn't give that enough thought. I wouldn't choose the word hideous for it. Point taken. But I did say aaaaages down the thread that I totally understand that a smack can be resorted to by a frazzled mum, it happens. But when it happens it's a failure and that's different from sitting back and saying, yes there's a place for it. Many mums who resort to the odd smack when at the end of their tether, still don't agree with smacking or think it has a place! That's where kitty's view seems different.

IMO a smack on the bottom is just about acceptable but only as a last resort. What really shocks me are parents who beat their children, punish them bodily "in cold blood". I knew lots of kids at school whose parents gave them serious corporal punishment, as in beating them with a hairbrush or with the dreaded belt ("Just wait til your father gets home!"). This was in the 70s, btw, when smacking, spanking, etc was definitely commonplace.

Thank you, Sunny, that was a nice reply.

When I was about 9, I had a friend whose dad was a major in the armed forces & regularly gave out severe beatings. My friend was about to get a massive thump from his dad. At the last moment he ducked down, his dad's hand consequently hit the wall & he broke 2 fingers!

I agree that verbal put-downs and undermining confidence can be worse than the odd smack, but I wonder if it's any coincidence that the two families I know who smack as part of a 'strategy' for dealing with bad behaviour rather than when they get to the end of their tether are also the ones who I have witnessed being really horribly emotionally abusive to their children too Not saying that the two always go hand in hand but it certainly isn't one or t'other.

I'm guilty of frustrated smacks. I hate it, it doesn't help and I always apologise immediately and profusely.

There's a huge difference between the oidd smack on the bum and beating a child, physically OR verbally.

I find the whole concept difficult. I hope I never smack but I thought I'd never use a dummy or leave DS for even a second if he's crying. Never mind . However, I hope to never smack. I'm not too sure whether a smack on the hand really leaves any lasting damage but I think having smacking as a discipline 'policy'(like SIL who has levels of smacks for various mideameanours for 21/2 year old) reflects a bad attitude towards the children.

I agree a smack from a frazzled mum is different from using smacking as a form of punishment, and as Kitty says a smack on the bottom is far from beating a child.

I still struggle with using smacking or the threat of a smack as a form of punishment. I can only see it as a form of bullying, at what age do you stop smacking - when they can hit you back?

Exactly McCadbury. Usually when they can hit you back. The last time my mum hit me was when I was 15. She gave me a stinging slap on the face, so without a second hesitation, I mustve snapped and I did exactly the same thing to her. What could she say? Umm, dont hit, its wrong... of course not. So she quietly went about her business, and I wasnt "smacked" again. But I have to forgive people like Kitty who are "pro" smacking, because I think controlled crying is a lot more hideous. After having my own child, I definitely see ignoring a childs pleas as an abuse of power, much the same way as smacking is. And yet these days it appears to be an acceptable form of abuse.

Last September when dd2 was born, we were in the ward waiting for dh and ds to visit (dd1 was at school) and there was this woman with a scowl in the bed next to me. Me being the chatty person I am tried to have a conversation with her, but she blanked me and carried on scowling.

When her dh/dp and ds (aged 3) arrived, all she did was complain loudly about the staff at the hospital.
Whilst she was complaining to her dp/dh, their ds was running around and looking under the beds and at the babies. He had loads of energy and was quite a cutie. He had a big smile on his face.

The next thing, the mum said to him "sit down and shut up or you'll get a smack!" I wasn't sure if I had misheard or whether she somehow was joking (not funny). My dh and ds had arrived by this point. I was feeling mightily uncomfortable. My dh and ds said hello to their ds. He looked sadly back. My ds ran around and chatted to everyone (who didn't seem to mind). Their ds was trying to get his mum and dad to talk to him by pulling on his dad's sleeve. Then the dad turned around and said "You've had one warning already. You won't get another one. These people don't want to listen to your noise. I should just throw you out of the window!" I, at this point was boiling with rage, and felt really sorry for this little lad and sad that their new baby would be treated, no doubt, the same. The little boy started to say something and the dad turned around and smacked him, right there in the maternity ward. The boy started crying really loud. I felt like crying too.

He hadn't done anything wrong. He was being a 3 year old boy. He had been introduced to the new baby, then ignored, then abused.

When he and his family were leaving, I called him over and showed him our dd2 and said to him "Enjoy your baby brother, won't you". He smiled at me and then left.

I wonder what sort of person he will be, and what sort of person he would have been if he was treated with respect and love.

i got smacked as child (not that often) but it was effective and hasn't scarred me and I presumed that I would smack my children. Now that I have children I would NEVER smack them. A stern voice is usually enough for my 2yo and failing that the naughty cushion/time out works very well.

I was belted once when I was 7 and I think that probably did scar me psychologically. It was cruel and unnecessary and a child should never have to endure that.

about 36

My mum used to hit me and my brother at least once a month or more often when she had too much to drink.
She used to say it was not her fault but it was the drink that she had to take for her manic depression.
Once we got to 8yrs old she resorted to using a carpet beater but not to hit us, just to scare the crap out of us.
She would whack the sofa with it and make a terrible noise and even now as an adult any loud bang like that will make me jump a mile and it anyone stands over me and they raise their arm i automatically cower and cover my head.
This has made me especially determined not to hit my two dds as i know what psycological damage can be done.
The last time my mum tried to beat me up was when i was 15yrs old and she dragged me by my hair. I gave her a black eye.
She never touched me again.
Even now she is affecting me, and i left home over 18yrs ago.
Her manic depression has got worse and she now has dementia caused by drugs that are stopping her going "hyper".
Hardly ever visit her, as she hit my DD1 when she was 3yrs old and having a bit of a tantrum, brought back all the bad memories.
AB

Ripeberry, thats awful.
My friends mum has manic depression and she is the only one in her family who will talk to her mum.
It puts terrible pressure on her becasue she feels if she doesnt look after her mum then noone else will.
She rang me in tears the otehr day and shes seeing a counsellor. She is afraid that she will end up like her mum becasue she feels so depressed.

When DS1 was very small DH1 and I were waiting in a shop to pay and DS1 was "walking" round and round my legs, and not wanting to go back in to his pushchair, the old man stood behind us turned round to DH and I and said "what that child needs is a good smack"
DH1 6 foot and 17 stone builder turns to him and said "oh we don't hit our child but if you would like a good smack then carry on".
As DH1 is the sweetest man on earth and has never raised a hand to anyone I stood there jaw dropped!!!
Old bloke shut up!

I was smacked as a child and usually felt some remorse for what I had done.

When mine were little they would have a 'tap' if they hurt each other. But I often look back and think it was probably pointless.

I stopped even this when ds1 was about 6. It just seemed wrong. As others have said - it's not acceptable to hit another adult and we should discourage children from hitting, so why use violence on them?

Looking back - I wish I had never even given the small 'taps' I did.

The idea that someone would feel that they should tell you you should be smacking your child is well out of order imo.

Ripeberry - that's awful and all credit to you for not repeating what was done to you as a child.

your all new age hippies.

with your 'i ws beaten as a kid stories'

jesus - there is such a thing as a smack in my world which doesnt involve the horrendous shit you lot are loading on it.