Another child bit my baby in playgroup... Advice please!

[littletree]

I've finally gotten around to bringing my nearly one year old to a playgroup. It was all going swimmingly until the end when they brought out bikes and scooters for the little ones to push around/ride. My little guy was sitting on a horsey and a little boy who was 3 came along smiling and pinched my sons cheek rather hard. I took his hand away and said that wasn't nice and stroked my babys cheek and said 'gently'. The other boy then copied me and stroked my son. No harm done. About 15 minutes later he charged over to my son and I thought was nuzzling my son playfully. But then I noticed to my horror that his jaws were clamped on his shoulder in a bite. I was horrified and yanked my boy away. There was a general uproar and much sympathy from the other mums and the boy's mum finally came over and reprimanded him. I understand that this little boy is something of a bully and it was absolutely awful watching my baby get hurt like that. There is no violence in my home and I don't want him learning these things from other children. Help! Is this just a fact of life that I will have to accept? What should I do when this happens? Any advice and shared experiences would be greatly appreciated.

Yes, it is something that is going to happen. He will learn things like this from other children it is how you deal with it that is important. It's up to you to teach him that it's unacceptable for people to behave like that.

I have friends who were horrified and appalled when their child was bitten at nursery. Unfortunately, this child then turned into a hurter and they were forced to moderate their views. (The child grew out of it BTW!)

Oh dear, it is very distressing when your baby gets assaulted like that.
IMO the majority of three year olds should know better, that kids sounds like he may have some issues.
If I were you I would be extra vigilant at the next session, and if that kid comes near you baby again, don't do the 'no dear, be gentle' routine, just put your face on his level, look him in the eye and say quietly but very very frimly 'don't you dare bite my baby.'

It will shock him and he will know you mean busiess.
I feel that too often these kids get away with bullying the tinies because they know the worst that will happen is a bit of a commotion and then a 'say sorry'. When they come across an adult who speaks a different language it usually stops them in their tracks.

HTH

and your baby will not remember the incident and it won't deter him from enjoying playgroup.
Soupy is right, these things happen all the time, the trick is deciding which incidents are a product of the heat of the moment or calculated behaviour.

It is kind of a fact of life I'm afraid When my ds1 was about 18 months he ended up with huge gouge marks down his face where another little boy scratched him. If it helps at all - ds1 was and still is a gentle little soul who has never retaliated - I don't think they learn this sort of behaviour if it is not in their nature. Only advice is to watch him like a hawk (especially if he is near a child who is prone to doing this sort of thing), intervene when necessary, reprimand the other child if you feel you can (gently, as you did), make a big fuss of your boy and take him away from the situation. Exactly what you did do in fact! I know how horrible it is and how upset it makes you feel, but it does happen.

One other thing - the three year old is still a baby himself, struggling with his own frustration and lack of social skills - he's not evil Three year old biters are not that uncommon - and speaking as the Mum of a 2.5 year old biter (not often and never, thankfully, biting anyone other than me or his brother) I would say that the Mum of the little boy who bit yours is likely just as upset - I would be mortified.

That is just what I fear SoupDragon- I want a tough and assertive little boy- not an aggressive bully!

SuzyWong- that is very sound advice. It is assertive and to the point. This kids mother did not deal with it at all well and I agree that it felt like all the other mums backed off and turned a blind eye.

Don't worry, Littletree. DS1 (now 5) was frequently on the receiving end of the child I mentioned. They'd known each other from birth and saw each other a lot. He is gentle, kind and confident and is very rarely the aggressor in any acts of violence. He never retaliated to this child.

He does now fight with DS2 and a few of his friends but it's "mutual fighting" IYSWIM!

Marthamoo- thanks for the backup. I don't think the other mum was mortified. There almost seemed to be a slight sense of amusement about the whole thing for her. And, it was quite clear that the this was not the first time it happened. I

Sorry, but I do think this is just going to happen - i think mild amusement would be my reaction, honestly - and in fact has been on the (one or two occasions each way in the last 2 years) when nursery has reported ds as either biter or bitee. Its not like being bitten by a rabid dog, it's not really a big deal. Please don't stop going or get worried about the playgroup, it all sounds very normal to me! And please don't be too down on the mum - she probably has seen it all many times (and I don't just mean if her son is an inveterate biter - mine isn't, but it still happens occasionally), and just is quite laid back. I'm sure her attitude wasn't meant as an insult or bad treatment of your child, just a 'let them get on with it until a bone gets broken' attitude to parenting which i must say i have a great deal of sympathy with!

It's horrible to see your child get hurt. Just a thought, and I don't want to leap to the other mum's defence but it might be that big reactions are what the child is after. DS went through a pushy shovy phase (thankfully not biting) just before his 3rd birthday, and the bigger the fuss, the more he did it. Just removing him silently from the situation after one firm 'no' had a much better effect than forcing him to apologise etc. (I would be grovelly though!) It was thankfully shortlived, lasted a couple of months and then passed when he went to preschool and mixed with more children of his own age. It did seem to coincide with him becoming one of the 'big ones' at playgroup - it always seemed to be the younger children who caught it - and I know a couple of people who had the same thing. I wonder if they are confused about not being the babies any more?

I think suzywong's suggestion is excellent - no fuss, keep it simple. A stranger is often more effective than mum anyway!

Everyday I am more convinced that you can not relax when todlers and babies are playing together, we had a 4 yrs old punching my baby's face at 6m (was so shocked I couldn't even react!) and just last saturday an almost 5 yrs old girl throw a shoe at him because he was bot paying attention to her. In the first case the mother just said "Oh, don't do that" in the sweetest and less efficient voice, the second case, well the mother didn't realise but shge is the kind of mother who always think her child is the victim and is really overprotective, if I have told her what her sweet girl has done she won't believe it, period.

i took dd to snakes and ladders once and mums are meant to go into the toddlers section and watch their babes mmmmmmmm well my dd 18months at the time was playing on the ball pool the another child took a chunk from her arm i mean he had a good set of teeth i had too pull him off i got dd blood was dripping the mother nowhere to be found i went o the help desk they said it was the mothers resposiblity then would you belive it this woamn came up to me shouting i touched her child when i showed her what her child had done to mine she said well thats kids for you and walked a way

I have never been back

Please don't take me wrong but when you get a child acting like this and the parent don't care about his/her behaviour, have you been tempted to whisper to their ears some thing in the like of "I'm a very bad witch, if you touch him again I'm going to come at night and eat your ears!"

Probably, I'm already a witch

Chandra you are a woman after my own heart

i have to say that biting should not imo be considered 'normal' or not a big deal and should certainly not be treated with amusement.

my ds (3 1/2) has never bitten (or hit) anyone. if he ever did i would be horrified tbh and if we were in a playgroup/park place i would take him home immediately.

possibly the reason theses kids dont think its a big deal is because their parents dont.

I'd never regard biting as a fact of life, that it's not a big deal or that it's amusing, fgs.

Neither of my ds's ever bit anyone and nor were they bitten. Dd1 was never bitten but she occasionally bit her dad. Dd2 didn't bite but was a victim of a biter at playgroup, whose mother throught it was very funny. What a shame she didn't witness my dd being too terrified to go to playgroup each morning because of that child. I had to remove dd, in the end, and send her elsewhere. I'm not sure what's so amusing about that.

Hi Littletree, if playgroup doesnt work out for you, if you cant cope with the other children being nasty, then I would recommend going somewhere more structured like jo jingles, hop skip and jump, some sort of baby/toddler music class where mums are sitting with their little darlings and there not so much chance of your little one being got at.
I have wanted to murder other children, lol, for example when a little s* picked up my dds bucket and tipped the sand on her head and it went in her eyes and she wouldnt go in a sand pit for another 18 months, it was her first time in a sand pit ffs and this kid ruined it and her eyes were red for 3 days after.
Anyway, I couldnt deal with playgroups with all the unsupervised nastyness and thats how i got round it and still managed to socalise me and dds.

OK, confession here. I'm chucky's mother, he has bit me today, it all started like a love attack, he came and gave me a very big hug, then laid his little head on my shoulder (ohhh) and when I though he was going to give me a kiss... snap!.

He did it a couple of months ago and I got very worried he could bite a child at nursery, one week later I was asked to sign the incident book because he was bitten by another child while disagreeing over a toy. He had a circle of teeth printed on his hand that I only thought of rushing him to the vet to get a rabies vacine, I know I shouldn't joke about this but he learned his lesson and didn't bite again until today, I will tell the nursery staff tomorrow to keep an eye on him if he hugs somebody. I'm so worried...

Both times I said NO, put him down and ignored him for a while, really hope it works, other wise I would need to tell him that there's a very bad witch who eats the ears of children who bite, I will need to wait some months though as he doesn't understand a word other than bottle at the moment. but believe me if I ever know he has bit a child he will be in serious problems.

IMO, most 3 year-olds should know better, but as we all know children develop differently. I do think that the child's mother should have told him off properly and made him apologise. Children will never learn not to bite unless there are consequenses. Having said that, I think you over-react a little bit. It's what will happen if you take your child to playgroup and it's quite normal. Just because your child was bitten, doesn't necessarily mean that the biter is a little thug or his mother a bad parent. Next time it can be your child who "attacks" another child. I think most children do at some point in their childhood.

I think you should accept that these things happens. When it happens, you can also tell the other child off and not wait for the mum to do it. Sometimes its worse for a child to be reprimanded by another adult. If the mum gets annoyed about this, I think you might want to find another playgroup where you find more ike-minded mums. While it is normal that children sometiems atack, it is not normal that parents aren't bothered by it!

My ds was a biter. He is now 4 and has, thankfully, grown out of it. He was raised in just the same way as dd who never bit anyone. So to a degree I think that 'you get what you are given'. I always made it quite clear to ds that this was not appropriate behaviour, and would appologise to the bitten child and the mother. I always took it very seriously.

That said these things do happen, no matter how careful you are, with ds it was always because he became over excited. If you have been blessed with a child who doesn't bite thank your lucky stars.

And I'm sorry maisystar but 'possibly the reason theses kids dont think its a big deal is because their parents dont. ' is a load of nonsense. I took it very seriously but my son, at the age of 2 didn't.

Good morning all- Thank you for all of your comments. It is enormously helpful. Yes, I completely agree with all that say that biting/hitting/scratching, etc. will happen and isn't necessarily due to something being inherently wrong with the child. For instance, ds (when he was around 9 mos. old) clamped onto my shoulder a couple of times when he was teething. Clearly no malicious intent there. They are all exploring and learning what the limitations and boundaries are. Hey, I might have a little nip at a few people too if it were socially acceptable! . I suppose the reason we are debating this is because biting someone else is not a socially acceptable thing to do and it is very difficult when another parent does not deal with the issue in a way that I feel is appropriate. We can only ultimately discipline our own children and control our own behaviour, so I suppose I'm looking for advice on how to maturely deal with an issue when I don't feel the other end is dealing with the issue appropriately.

Fairymum, I'm afraid I don't believe my reaction was exaggerated. When my bubba is hurt it hurts me too. I turn into a mamacat and primal instinct takes over. The situation would be different if ds were similar in age and the strengths were matched. But he is a BABY for goodness sake and my job (IMO) is to protect and teach him not to behave like that other child was.

I will not be put off by trying a playgroup again but if that other kid so much as approaches my baby next week he just might get a little warning snarl

Well I've written on her before about the problems I have giving the correct response when my son hurts someone (pinching usually- hasn't happened a lot- and generally goes for adults- no children).

At 5 years old he should know not to scratch, he should also be able to dress himself, wipe his bum, talk, play, apologise to other kids, say hello, feed himself etc but he can't.

He has had 2 episodes of scratching, first lasted 2 weeks, second lasted one week- the reason that we managed to contain it is because a very consistent reposnse was given to the behaviour. The toruble is the response that has to be given has to be neutral- a very calm response- where he is turned away and we put our back to him. Shouting, jumping around demanding apolgies all goes totally over his head- and makes it more likely to lead to another scratch "oh look how interesting everyone is being today". In fact it was my MIL who escalated the behaviour in the first place by stomping around and shouting and yelping in response to being pinched.

Often this sort of behaviour is difficult to stop- and the only reaosn I was able to do it is because as soon as it started I had people I could discuss strategies with- and we could then put in place a consistent strategy.

The toruble is despite him being non-verbal and classed for govt purposes as severely disabled, no-one actually notices as he looks normal so we get the dirties for giving the "wrong" response.

My friend's son has been biting for about 18 months now- he has something undiagnosed going on- and she has tried everything and had a lot of professional support. She still had to take him out of various playgroups etc though. One thig the behaviour support team said- which I thought was very sensible is that adults tend to see biting as being somthing much much worse than say pushing. But to a child they're just the same- they don't distinguish between them and don't realise that biting is more aggressive- they just want the toy.

If my three year old bit another child I would certainly NOT respond with 'mild amusement' - what's so hilarious about deliberately hurting and injuring hurting other kids? What kind of message it that. It is NOT acceptable and my child knows that. Three is quite old enough to lay down the law with most children, who don't have a learning disability. I've had a nasty little brat bite my son and I know how horrible it is littletree - it scared my son and put him off playgroup for while (he's older than your son) and he's only just starting enjoying it really. But I don't think he will learn to be violent from other kids. Yes, children do push and grab etc, but at three I think they can - and should - be taught this is unacceptable and will be met with punishment - ie be taken home instantly. That's what I'd do.

littletree

I totally understand your reaction of wanting to protect. My DS (19m) at nursery has been bitten 5 times over the past couple of months by the same little girl (2ys), once I figure out which one, I'll have her!! But I have to trust that they deal with her appropriately and to be honest it is occurring less frequently now.

He has tried to bite me once, but only when very over excited. I dealt with this as other have been saying no firmly and giving him a "time out". So he hasn't learnt biting as a results, (although I know that could all change as he gets older).

The key thing that people seem to be repeating is that if it happens again, and unfortunately it will no matter how eagle eyed you are, to make a fuss of the victim and ignore the attacker, that way the attacker hasn't won. You could take DS to another area of he room and make a real thing of how good he is. Unless the mother is grovelling with apologises (as I would be) tell her calmly and then ignore her as well. i.e take the high ground

I am also in favour of telling off the kid yourself, esp if the mother is useless, thinks it's funny or other innappropriate response. Grrr!